Post: #1

Recently, I found out that my old boss - a man I thought I could be absolutely open and honest - with had actually been trashing me in a conversation he had with my in-laws.

The job was everything from putting in flooring at people's houses to new siding on a hotel. I was my absolute unfiltered self around him. Talked about everything from our wives and even sex lives to issues we saw in the Church.

Note I actually found out that my boss went to the same mega church my in-laws go to and that me and my wife have attended a few times.

My wife wasn't even supposed to know, but her parents told her everything my old boss had said and it planted massive seeds of distrust. He managed to tell the "truth" about me in ways that could hurt me most, while sprinkling a few lies in there.

When I found out, I was dumbfounded and flabbergasted. It almost felt like I had been cheated on - which shocked me as well. (It's like he had cut me.) I recall conversations with him in his truck with our co-worker back and forth about issues we saw in culture, church, family, etc.

In one conversation he complained about how people would broadcast from the rooftops their Christianity- currently I live in the Biblebelt - while doing all sorts of heinous things to people and being shady in their businesses, lives, etc.


What bugs me so much, and what keeps it stuck in my head is WHY? I thought for a second it could be a jealousy issue - his kids are adopted and his wife has had numerous miscarriages, meanwhile I'm on my second coming up. But I never saw him as a jealous type, just real down to earth.

In fact, I had kept in contact with him after he left me go - he had found someone with better skills than I had or could learn at that point - and I honestly thought he would have talked to me about any perceived slights, issues, etc.

To be honest, it's thrown me for a loop momentarily. So I ask all of you gentleman; have you experienced this and how did you handle/cope with it? I know a few of you have had some nasty backstabs and I'm wondering what you did to overcome the shock of it.

I take part of the blame in that I'm very honest about who I am and that made it easy to trash me. I do believe I need to be more selective in the future.

Post: #2

Not much you can really do about it now OP. Live and learn. I also have made many mistakes like yours in the past as far as sharing to much details with my coworkers. I've always lived my life like an open book and as far as being a man thats not good.

I have learned that people like your boss are probably just very unhappy in life. I call them misery leeches. Have spent 20 years working in a facory so I understand.

Post: #3

First, lets draw some line here. Betrayal by a woman is to be expected so I really wouldn't advise any sort of response, however betrayal by a man is different as men operate on, and understand what honor is.

Your reaction at the events is to be expected. I would advise a simple response. If you actually still talk to the guy, or can relay messages to him directly I think its as simple as.

"I've heard from my family that you have been saying unflattering things about me. I expected better didn't think you were the type to gossip like pre teen girl at bible camp"

He is a man, he will comprehend where he now stands with you.

I'd be curious as to what other member advise, as I tend to be told often that I am an over reactor. I however have also been betrayed by close male friends before.

Post: #4

So your wife told you, her parents told her, that your ex boss said...?

Here's a story for you:

In 1902, William Louis Stern, the man who coined the term intelligence quotient (I.Q.) developed an experiment in which a “chain” of people told and retold a story to study how each person would change that story just a little. By the end of the “chain,” the final story would often have little to do with the original story. It's human nature to use their own experiences, biases, interpretations, etc. and adding things that weren’t there, or taking out things that were.

I bet if you ask your ex boss face to face what he said he'll likely tell you a different story.

If he's the man you thought he was and earned your respect he'll tell you the truth.

If he's not, and he doesn't then you've lost nothing but a delusion

Post: #5

maybe he just doesnt like armenians? And if he IS Armenian himself, thems fighting words and he should know better

Post: #6

I don't think this calls for any action on your part. As was noted above all you really know is that your boss mentioned you in some context to your in laws. Let it be a general cautionary tale on the dangers of talking about people (positively or negatively) behind their backs. Word will likely get back to them and it's out of your hands how it will be interpreted by the time it gets to them. You should also be more careful about what you tell people you work with.

Post: #7

Post: #8

Before jumping to conclusions, always consider the source. Never put blind faith into someone else's claim, always do your own due diligence by conducting your own independent inquiry into the matter at hand.

Post: #9

Sounds more like your in-laws are trying to use this guy as a proxy to badmouth you to your wife.

Post: #10

(01-10-2017 01:46 PM)BortimusPrime Wrote:  Sounds more like your in-laws are trying to use this guy as a proxy to badmouth you to your wife.

Wouldn't surprise me.

I wanted to text him about it, but I'll bide my time and see if I can pry anymore details out from my inlaws.

Post: #11

(01-10-2017 01:51 PM)armenia4ever Wrote:  

(01-10-2017 01:46 PM)BortimusPrime Wrote:  Sounds more like your in-laws are trying to use this guy as a proxy to badmouth you to your wife.

Wouldn't surprise me.

I wanted to text him about it, but I'll bide my time and see if I can pry anymore details out from my inlaws.

I'm pretty familiar with backtalkers, and I can guarantee you that they'll react by feigning confusion and play dumb to take the heat off themselves. The whole point of involving your ex-boss was to give them plausible deniability.

Probably the most important thing is to make sure your wife knows her parents are attempting to persuade her.

Another note: the main thing that makes me suspect the boss wasn't the one driving the badmouthing is that men usually don't engage in catty gossiping, and the ones who do are obvious in hindsight as having other feminine social behaviors. My old college roommate was this sort, and he essentially argued like a woman trying to wear you down by telling you everything wrong with you instead of debating the actual issue, so in retrospect I shouldn't have been surprised that he also liked trashing people behind their backs like a woman.

Post: #12

OP, from the sound of your post, it seems as though your ex boss broke the honor system and divulged information that he shouldn't have, especially not to your in laws. It could be true that some of what they heard got overblown or taken out of context, but the point remains that he opened his mouth when he should have kept it shut.

When I was in my early to mid twenties, I had a similar issue. I used to share stuff with my coworkers, who would then take that information and spin it in the worst possible way. One time, my manager sat down nonchalantly and we started talking about our weekend. My friend and fellow coworker (who I'm still friends with to this day) called in sick (it was Monday morning and he was legitimately ill). The day before, he was at my house watching a football game. I mentioned this little detail when talking about my weekend. That manager took that little bit of info, went to the higher ups, and said that the two of us were getting drunk all weekend, and that the only reason the other guy called in sick was because he was hungover. I found out all that info from my friend when he called me asking what the fuck I had said--apparently he got a nasty phone call from our boss.

The good news was, he trusted my word that I hadn't gone around spreading rumors, and the entire issue eventually got cleared up. Ever since then, I don't share anything personal with coworkers. I've had smaller instances where it didn't do much harm, but where I learned not to talk to certain people. With my current job, I had a former coworker who tried to "befriend" me in order to get information that he wasn't privy to. Because of my previous encounters, I knew better than to fall for the trap.

Your ex boss could be like me, where he shared a tiny detail that your in laws then blew up into some huge ordeal, or he could be like my former manager who loved the stir the pot and cause unnecessary drama, and who was deviously malicious. If you still talk to him, I would confront him with what you've heard. If he skirts the issue or flips the table on you (i.e. says you're too sensitive, a little bitch, etc.) then he was likely being malicious. If he shows genuine concern and explains his side of the story, then it's more likely that he accidentally said more than he should have, but wasn't trying to hurt you.

Post: #13

Ask him about it without being confrontational - try to make a joke out of it. That's usually the best way to get a straight answer.

If it's a legit betrayal, and you value the job, just learn the lesson and don't be so open with the guy. If it was a misunderstanding, presenting it as a joke won't jeopardize the relationship.

If it's legit betrayal and you DON'T value the job, throw him a beating.



EDIT: I reread, it's your old boss? If he's not useful to your current career, ghost him.