Post: #351

I'm taking viagra for my sunburn. It won't heal it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

Post: #352

Knock knock
Who's there?
Lame joke
Lame joke who?
Just lame joke

Post: #353

What did the black kid get for Christmas?

Your bike.

Post: #354

Sorry folks. I know it's a jokes thread and everything, but this is still RVF. So, I'd like to remind everyone, especially game noobs, of the three unwritten laws of attraction:

1-
2-
3-

Post: #355

There was a farmer who had four daughters.
One night, he heard a knock on the door and found a young man standing there. The young man said,

"My name is Freddy.
I've come to pick up Betty.
We're going out for spaghetti.
I hope she's ready."

The farmer thought that this was cute, so he let them go out.
Pretty soon, there was another knock at the door and another young man was there. He said,

"My name's Lance.
I've come for Nance.
We're going to a dance.
Is she ready by chance?"

Again, the farmer thought that this was cute and let them go. Soon, another knock on the door with yet another young man standing there. He said,

"My name is Moe.
I'm here to get Flo.
We're going to a show.
Is she ready to go?"

Again the farmer was amused and let them go. Once again, there was a knock on the door and a young man was standing there. He began,

"My name is Chuck."

The farmer shot him.

Post: #356

A man sees a jew hand over a large stack of cash to a man near an alley. In exchange the man hands the jew a shiny penny. Amazed the man walks over and exlaims "I can't believe you paid so much for one little penny!"

The jew explains: it is a magic penny, each time you rub it, an extra penny falls out.

When the man asked how that is possible the jew says "its a foreskin from a copper baby"

Post: #357

A redhead tells her blonde friend: "Last night I did something wild and slept with a brazilian!", to which the blonde responds, "Oh my God, you're such a slut! How many is a brazilian?"

Post: #358

How much pussy does a priest get?

Nun.

Post: #359

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Desperate

===========

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command:
C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.

If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband to force run Beer 6.1 and Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall 'Another Boyfriend' program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support
_______________________________________________

#108

Referring to the aforementioned joke, Game 7.0 & Clean Slate 12.0 are good add-on modules for Husband 1.0 when the upgrade to Bachelor 8.3 is finished.
_______________________________________________
"It is good to meet girl in park, but it is better to park meat in girl."

Post: #360

An English guy gets back from a three month tour of North America, visiting Canada, the United States and Mexico. He is having a beer with his buddy who asks him what the women were like in all three countries.

Well, the Canadian girls were like ice, cold on the outside, but wet when you warm them up.

American girls were like a McDonald's burger, you had it when you were hungry enough but you feel gross after.

And the Mexican girls, well, they are like a pinata, they get sweet if you hit them just right.

Post: #361

Dark humor here.
"I can put myself together sir, but not everyone can diversify themselves like you, Mr Khashoggi."

Post: #362

What do you call 2 Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan.

Post: #363

This is probably my darkest and crudest joke out there in regards to events this year.

Did you hear about what David "Bread" Katz did after losing at the Jacksonville NFL Game Tournament? He raged, killed some people and turned himself into "Toast". Now he's having a Threesome with Adam Lanza and Nasim Aghdam in a love suite at the Shooters' Hotel in the afterlife.

Post: #364

(09-05-2018 04:22 PM)trippin_squares Wrote:  What did the black kid get for Christmas?

Your bike.

Gotta credit Adam Carolla for this:

Q: Why shouldn't you run over a Mexican kid on a bike?

A: Might be your bike.

Post: #365

My dick was in The Guinness Book of World Records!




Until the librarian threw me out.

Post: #366

What separates humans from animals?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The Mediterranean sea

Post: #367

At age four, success is ... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is ... having friends.
At age 16, success is ... having a driver's licence
At age 20, success is ... having sex.
At age 35, success is ... having money.
At age 50, success is ... having money.
At age 60, success is ... having sex.
At age 70, success is ... having a driver's licence
At age 75, success is ... having friends.
At age 80, success is ... not peeing in your pants.
_______________________________________________
"Wow wow wee wow it's a very nice! Great success!" - Borat Sagdiyev #197

Post: #368

Women's rights

Post: #369

My love life is like blackjack–I always hit on 16.

Post: #370

Woman drives into a gas station. While filling up, she lights up a cigarette, accidently drops it ai little puddle of gasoline. As she tries to pick up the cig-her arm catches on fire. She panics, starts running around screaming and waving her arms. A cop drives by and shoots her for waving a firearm.

Post: #371

Piece of wisdom: don't buy calamari rings next to a synagogue. Those are not calamari rings.

Post: #372

Ouch.

Post: #373

Today at the gym I asked a girl what her New Year's resolution was. She said "Fuck you." So, I'm pretty excited for 2019.

Post: #374

(08-30-2018 07:07 PM)Sgt Donger Wrote:  Here's a nice clean one that girls seem to like:

Q. Why was 6 scared?

A. Because 7 8 9

It's "Why was 6 scared of 7?"
Because 7 8 9


What time do you go to the dentist?
2:30 (tooth hurty)

Post: #375

Between the ages of 18 – 21 a woman is like Africa. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 – 30 a woman is like America. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade – especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 – 35 she is like Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 – 40 a woman is like France. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 – 50 she is like parts of Eastern Europe. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 – 60 she is like Russia. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 – 70 a woman is like Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70 they become Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
_______________________________________________
"If you want an Australian woman, look down under since she'll likely be walking on her hands." #273