Post: #226

(02-27-2016 04:07 PM)debeguiled Wrote:  This one is kind of a cross between a joke and a boast. I tell it to women who are English majors.

I say, "You know how you aren't supposed to end a sentence with a preposition? Well, I can end a sentence with 6 prepositions. Wanna hear?" Curious creatures always say yes. Then I say:

"Ok, so there is this kid whose bedroom is on the second floor, and he asks his dad to read him a bedtime story, but his dad brings up a book that the kid doesn't like anymore, and so the kid says,

'Dad! Why did you bring that book I don't want to be read to from out of up for?'"

I read a truly overkill variant where the dad gets the book from the attic and the book is about Australia. "...I don't want to be read to from out of about Down Under from up for?"

Post: #227

Reposting from another thread.

Post: #228

She can chain to me to the bed...




As long as I can chain her to the sink.

Post: #229

A couple get married in the 1940's and on the eve of their 10th wedding anniversary the wife asks her husband what he wants as an anniversary gift.

Husband "Well my love to be honest what Id really like is a blowjob"

Wife "Oh no honey. I cant do that"

Husband "Well why not?"

Wife "Because you wont respect me afterwards"

Husband "That's ridiculous..."

Wife "Nope. Not gonna happen because you wont respect me afterwards"

So he drops it and another 10 years go by

Husband "We've been married 20 years now. Can I please have a blowjob?"

Wife "No because you wont respect me afterward"

Husband begs but she wont relent, so again he lets it go.

So 30th anniversary, same thing, 40th same thing, still no blowjob.

Finally its their 50th anniversary:

Husband "Ok dear, we've been married nigh on 50 years. Ive been a good husband , we raised a family and you know I respect you. Can I please have a blowjob just once?!!!"

Wife "Well ok. I guess you deserve that and if you promise you ll respect me afterwards I'll do it ok?"

Husband all excited he finally going to get a blowjob

Husband "Yeah yeah ...of course"

So the go up to the bedroom, she pulls her false teeth out and gives the old man a blowjob. At the very moment he finishes the phone on the bedside table rings. The old man answers it

Husband "Hello?...wait one second". He hands the phone over to the old lady and says.

Husband: "Here...its for you CockSucker"

Post: #230

One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.

The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself. These are my cookies!"

Post: #231

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says “But sir, its just a sperm bank!”, “I don’t care, open it now!!!” he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says “Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!”, she looks at him “BUT, they are sperm samples???” , “DO IT!”. So the nurse sucks it back. “That one there, drink that one as well.”, so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, “See honey – its not that hard.”

Post: #232

Bernie, an old Jew who has spent many years in the clothing business, is retiring. His friend asks him: "What're you gonna do after you retire?"
He says: "I think I'll go down and join the New York Athletic Club"
They say: "Bernie, what are you crazy? They'll never let a Jew in there!"
And he says: "Well, I have my ways, I think I can get in"
Sure enough, after Bernie retires, he puts on a blue blazer with gold buttons, a pin striped shirt, red silk tie, Khaki Dockers, and boat shoes, and goes down to the New York Athletic Club to interview.
He gets taken into a sumptous room and a well dressed elegant man comes out to interview him. The man sits down opposite Bernie and says,
"Your name Sir?"
He says, "Ah yes, it's Bernard Throckmorten, the Third"
The interviewer writes it down,
"And what line of work are you in Sir?"
Bernie says: "Well yes, I'm retired now, but for many years I had a small boutique advertising agency on Park Avenue"
The interviewer writes that down, "Are you married, Sir?
Do you have children?"
"Yes my wife Mary does quite a bit of work for the Junior League, I have two children, Buffy and Chip. They will be matriculating this year at Harvard and Yale, respectively"
He says: "I see Sir, And your religion?"
"Ah yes, we're Goyim"

Post: #233

Post: #234

This rabbi retired and decided to take the box of penis skins he saved and make something out of them . the schmucks.

He goes to this leather maker and the guy says no problem rabbi come back in a week.

So the rabbi goes back and the guy gives him this tiny wallet. The rabbi says "where's the hutzpah! I thought you do better than this.

So the leather guy says " take it easy rabbi, if you rub it it turns into a suitcase."

Aloha!

Post: #235

(11-17-2017 11:34 PM)Kona Wrote:  This rabbi retired and decided to take the box of penis skins he saved and make something out of them . the schmucks.

He goes to this leather maker and the guy says no problem rabbi come back in a week.

So the rabbi goes back and the guy gives him this tiny wallet. The rabbi says "where's the hutzpah! I thought you do better than this.

So the leather guy says " take it easy rabbi, if you rub it it turns into a suitcase."

Aloha!

Me gusta!!

Post: #236

Husband Abraham and wife Sarah, two Russian speaking Jews in Odessa, are arguing:

[Sarah] Abraham, I know you've been cheating on me so I cheated on you too.
[Abraham] What the fuck, Sarah? That's wrong!
[Sarah] How come you can cheat and I can't? That's not fair.
[Abraham] You know, Sarah, when I fuck somebody it means we fuck somebody. But when you get fucked it means we get fucked.

Post: #237

A store has just opened that offers free husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the following instructions:

“You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors to choose from. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"

A woman goes to the store to find a husband.

She walks in and on the 1st floor door a sign reads "Floor 1 - These men have steady jobs."

She reads the sign and decides to go up to the second floor to see if they have anything better.

The 2nd floor sign reads "Floor 2 - These men have steady jobs and love children."

She thinks to herself that she can do better, so she walks up the stairs to the next floor.

The 3rd floor sign reads "Floor 3 - These men have steady jobs, love children and are extremely good looking."

“Wow,” she thinks, but she decides to keep going. She walks up to the 4th floor and the sign reads
"Floor 4 - These men have steady jobs, love children, are extremely good looking and help out with the housework"

She can barely contain her excitement, but she goes to the 5th floor and the sign reads
"Floor 5 - These men have steady jobs, love children, are extremely good looking, help out with the housework and are very romantic(will fuck you good)"

She is so tempted to stay, but she knows that the next floor has to be the best yet. She walks up to the 6th floor and the sign reads
"Floor 6 - You are visitor 62,985,471 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that you are impossible to please. Please take a complimentary cat on the way out."




Across the road another store opened that offered wives

Floor 1 - has wives that love sex.

Floor 2 - has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

Post: #238

A small town had two churches, Presbyterian and Methodist, and a Synagogue.
All three had a serious problem with squirrels in their buildings. Each in its own fashion had a meeting to deal with the problem.
The Presbyterians decided that it was predestined that squirrels be in the church and that they would just have to live with them.
The Methodists decided they should deal with the squirrels lovingly. They humanely trapped them and released them in a park at the edge of town. Within 3 days, they were all back in the church.
The Jews simply voted the squirrels in as members. Now they only see them at Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur.

Post: #239

This Buddhist walked up to the hotdog stand and said " make me one with everything."

Aloha!

Post: #240

(11-19-2017 03:05 PM)Kona Wrote:  This Buddhist walked up to the hotdog stand and said " make me one with everything."

Aloha!

The buddhist paid with a ten dollar bill, and got nothing in return. After waiting for a minute, he said "what about my change?"
The hot dog vendor replied, "change comes from within."

Post: #241

On a hot summer day 2 Amish women are in a field picking potatoes.

The first woman grabs 2 rather large potatoes out of her pile and says:

"You know these potatoes remind me of my husbands testicles"

The second one asks in amazement: "Wow.....are they really that big?"

To which she replies: "No.....they're that dirty".

Post: #242

A straight woman is sitting in a bar having a drink alone when all of a sudden a lesbian sits next to her and begins groping her.

The startled straight woman attempts to push the lesbian off and says: "Look here.....I don't know who on earth you are and let me be frank with you, I don't...."

The lesbian cuts her off mid sentence grabs her tighter and replies:

"Let ME be FRANK with you!"

Post: #243

Two Italian men get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:


"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."


"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"


"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

Post: #244

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and he says,

Kid -"All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother flips out and goes to the living room and tells her son,

Mom- "We don't use that kind of language in this house young man. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,

Kid- "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue,

Kid "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the boy added,

Kid-"And for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fucking bitch in the kitchen."

Post: #245

Why do women have the cleanest minds in the world?





They change them all the time.

Post: #246

You know why women wear makeup and perfume?

Because they're ugly and they stink.

Aloha!

Post: #247

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."

Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.

"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."



Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.

One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it."

But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess.

"Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.

"Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money."

She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

Post: #248

One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex.
The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.

Girl-“What are you doing, Mommy?”

The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer.

Mom-“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”

The little girl replies,

Girl-“Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”

The mother has a confused look on her face,

Mom-“Why do you say that sweetheart?”

The little girl replies,

Girl- “Because mommy, every time you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up

Post: #249

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'

Post: #250

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?”

The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?”

“Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”