Post: #176

Post: #177

I saw a bloke on the train wearing a T-shirt that read, "This is what a feminist looks like." And right enough, he had a flat chest and facial hair.

Post: #178

An airplane flies across a desert with the pope, Michael Jackson and 20 kids on board when suddenly the plane starts falling down. The pope, Jacko and kids find out to their dismay that there are only 2 parachutes left. The pope and Jacko take the parachutes and when the pope opens the emergency door and is about to jump out, MJ asks "What about the kids?". The pope replies "Fuck the kids", to which Jacko replies "We don't have enough time"

Post: #179

This is old but I cracked at Obama Africanus and Hillaria the Elder

https://www.duffelblog.com/2014/01/natio...d-in-gaul/

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A delegation from the American Legion had a meeting today with several leading senators to demand suitable farmland for the nation’s landless veterans in the province of Transalpine Gaul.

“We swear here, upon Jupiter’s Stone, that if Consul Obama Africanus does not compensate us with suitable farmland in a quiet province, we shall not peaceably disband or leave the capital,” declared Mattis Magnus, former commander of the I Marine Legion and head of RUBICOM.

He spoke on the front steps of the Senate under a banner proclaiming “We came! We saw! We conquered!” and was dressed in full armor, brazenly armed with his gladius sword and brandishing the skull of a Parthian warrior he took at Fallujah.

Mattis called on Obama to come out from behind his Praetorian Guard and speak to them directly, or send co-consul Hillaria the Elder. He and other veterans then publicly spurned Obama’s offer, relayed to them by Coinmaster Petraeus, of free farmland in Afghanistan on the condition that they only grow cotton and not poppy.

“Afghan land is only good for growing poppies,” complained Decimus Verdus of Dayton, Ohio, “and [Obama’s] refusal to declare Afghanistan as a slave province means we will not have the necessary Pathan labor to properly farm it. Plus the plows keep hitting IEDs.”

Many other veterans who fought in the eastern campaigns seemed to agree, claiming this was only the latest in a series of broken promises going back to Georgius the Younger’s invasion of Mesopotamia.

“There is no more farmland left in my home province of Wisconsin,” noted Gaius Rufus Snuffius, a resident of Wausau who served with the X Mountain Legion. “It is all owned by patricians and worked by slaves from Hispania. For this I decimated Ramadi?”

Studies have shown that unlike their predecessors, younger veterans are twice as likely to end up begging in the marketplace or the forum, and four times as likely to end up fighting in the arena. Many veterans have also complained that they are alienated from their fellow countrymen.

“I swear to Pluto, I will run-through the next yellow-tunic wearing citizen who thanks me for my service,” said First Spear Centurion Severus Murfus Felix. “And stop asking me if I’ve crucified anyone!”

The Legion says this only proves the need for fresh land for veterans to help them beat their swords into plow-sheers. They have also ridiculed what they call Obama’s false statement that Gaul is too small for them and can only be properly divided into three parts.

“Without land, what other course do our men have, save banditry?” asked a Legion spokesman on condition of anonymity. “This is a bipartisan issue: it shouldn’t matter whether you’re an optimate or a populare.”

“I spent my youth marching up the Via Tampa to Babylon with the CI Airborne Legion. Don’t I deserve land, and slaves, and German women?”

Update: This report has been amended to indicate the preference for land in Transalpine Gaul, not Cisalpine Gaul, which is overrun with hairy Gaestati.

Post: #180

A man comes into a bar so heartbroken he's about to cry. The bartender asks him "What's wrong?"
"I just found out my son is gay!"

Next day, same thing, and the next.

Fourth day--the bartender can't hold back: "Doesn't anyone in your house like women?"

"Yes, my wife!"

Post: #181

Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Baby seal walks into a club.

Post: #182

Here's one from an old friend:

Why did Hitler kill himself? He saw the gas bill!

Post: #183

"Your mother is like the town bicycle - everyone gets a ride."

Post: #184

A young boy went to his father and asked, "Dad, what's the difference
between theory and reality?"

"Well, son, the best way to explain this is a practical exercise. Go ask
your Mom if she'd sleep with a stranger a million dollars and come tell me
her answer." Yes.

The boy returned and said, " She said she would, Dad." "OK," replied the
father, "Go ask your sister the same question."

The boy returned and said that his sister also answered yes to the
question and then asked his Dad, "What's this got to do with theory and
reality?"

"It's simple, son. In theory, we live with millionaires.
In reality, we live with a couple of whores."

Post: #185

I know a guy whose surname is Pewsey. He says if he has a son he's going to name him Grabham, and he's going to give him the ancestral family middle name of Bider.

If that little tale doesn't earn me my 3rd rep, I don't know what will.

Post: #186

If you don't know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.

I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.

Post: #187

Rich man and poor man discuss the Christmas gifts they bought for their wives. The rich man tells the poor man he got his wife a new Mercedes Benz and a 3-karat diamond ring. The poor man is confused and asks him why he bought these, to which the rich man responds: "If she doesn't like the diamond ring she can take it back in the new Mercedes and still be happy about it". He asks the poor man what he got his wife. The poor man tells the rich man that he got her a pair of slippers and a dildo. "Why did you buy her a pair of slippers and a dildo?" he asks. The poor man replied: "If she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself."

Post: #188

There's a time and a place to be spontaneous.

Post: #189

A Russian boy asks his veteran grandfather.

-Can you tell me a war story from WW2?
-During the battle of Stalingrad, a German radio operator girl was thrown into our trench by a blast wave. We had so much fun! Our battalion ran a train on her for 3 days.
-Wow, granddad! Tell me, did she give a good head?
-Grandson, I never lied to you and I won't lie this time. She didn't have a head.

Post: #190

Post: #191

Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I'll know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! What's happening?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Colin's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he says that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says.
"President Trump," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Colin says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Trump spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Argentina, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Colin asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,
"Who the f*#k's that on the balcony with Colin?"

Post: #192

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.
The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously, everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the worldwide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium, pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

Post: #193

Woman goes to the doctor and finds out that she has terminal cancer and will die in three months.

She asks the doctor for advice and he recommends her to marry an economist.

"Why," asks the woman, "Will that cure my cancer?"

"No," says the doctor, "But those three months will seem like an eternity!"

Post: #194

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette are having a girls night out and of course, the conversation eventually turns to sex.

Redhead, "I don't normally smoke, but I love one after sex"

Brunette, "Oh me too!" then turning to the blonde, "Do you smoke after sex?"

Blonde, "I don't know, I've never checked"

Post: #195

An extremely drunk man walks into a bar, and sits down on the bar stool and orders a drink.

Looking kind of confused he asks the bartender...."Hey buddy, have you ever seen a penguin this tall?" And he puts his hand about 2 feet off the ground.

The bartender replies, "Yeah i've seen penguins that tall sure."

Then the drunk man slurs, "Well have you ever seen a penguin THIS tall?" and he puts his hand about 3 feet off the ground waist high

The bartender replies, "I guess so, I think I saw one that big on a nature show once."

Then the drunk man asks once more, "Yeah but have you ever seen a penguin THIS TALL?" And the drunk man puts his hand about head level.

The bartender replies, "No, I don't think penguins get that tall my friend."

And the drunk man says, "Yeah I didn't think so either...must have been a Nun I ran over then."

Post: #196

A cop pulls a brunette chick over for speeding. Comes up to the window and taps on glass. She rolls it down...

Cop: "License and registration miss"

She hands her license to him and when he looks at it in her picture she's blond

Cop: "Mam this doesn't look like you"

Chick: "Oh its me,Im naturally blonde but I dye my hair because I'm tired of all the dumb blonde jokes"

Cop just grins and starts to loosen his belt and unzip his pants. The chick sees him and

Chick :"Oh no!...Not another fucking breath test!"

Post: #197

A son comes back from school and asks his father "Dad, what does gay mean?"

Father: "It means happy, joyful"
Son: "Are you gay, dad?"
Father: "No son, I have a wife."

Post: #198

If I had a penny for every time a woman found me unattractive, eventually they would find me attractive.

Post: #199

What does a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common?

They can smell it, but they can't eat it.

Post: #200

If only Africa had more mosquito nets, then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes dying needlessly of AIDS.