Post: #126

(10-16-2017 07:07 PM)Kona Wrote:  What's the best way to get a Jewish girls number? Roll up her sleeve.

Aloha!

Post: #127

Two unemployed fags live together. One of them finally gets a job. On his first day of work he gets out of bed and goes to the shower and to get ready. When he comes out of the bathroom he finds his boyfriend on the bed jerking off with a condom on so he says

(Best when imagined in real faggy voice)

Fag 1- "My word Sebastian, what on earth are you doing?"

Fag 2- "Packing your lunch"

Post: #128

An engaged couple, by sheer unfortunate coincidence, both die in separate car crashes on the way to their wedding. When they both show up at heaven's gate, they ask St. Peter if it would be possible for them to be married there in heaven.

St. Peter frowns a bit about this, promises he'll look into it, and asks them to wait. They hang around for about three months and then St. Peter finally comes back and has the couple married right there at the Pearly Gates.

Another three months pass and the couple aren't getting along. They discover they hate each other and they don't like the idea of being married for eternity, so they go back to St. Peter and ask him whether, since it was possible for them to be married, whether it's also possible for them to get a divorce.

St. Peter throws down his halo in disgust. "Fucking hell, it took me three months to find a priest up here, you know how long it'll take to find a lawyer??"

God save us from people who mean well. -storm

Post: #129

(10-16-2017 08:23 AM)Ruslan Wrote:  How many dead babies do you need to tile a ceiling?
Depends how thin you slice them.

I don't really get these macabre jokes, there's several in the thread...

Just seems an odd state of mind to be in to find humor in these.

Post: #130

This one works best if you ask the girl beforehand if she can handle a dirty joke...

Why did the tomato turn red?


Because it saw the salad dressing.

Post: #131

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.


Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.


Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.


"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.


The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

Post: #132

(10-16-2017 09:38 PM)Spaniard88 Wrote:  

(10-16-2017 08:23 AM)Ruslan Wrote:  How many dead babies do you need to tile a ceiling?
Depends how thin you slice them.

I don't really get these macabre jokes, there's several in the thread...

Just seems an odd state of mind to be in to find humor in these.

What do they call an abortion in Prague?
A cancelled czech.

If they drop an aborted foetus on the floor, what do they call it?
A bounced czech.

Post: #133

Down the sawmill a guy comes in to apply for the tree-felling job advertised in the local paper. The foreman's impressed with the guy: big, burly bloke, arms like pistons, chest like the front of a Mack truck.

"All right," says the foreman, "show us what you can do."
The guy takes an axe in one hand and chops down a tree with one blow.

"Jesus," says the foreman, "that's cool, but can you do it again?"
So the guy walks across to a tree that's twice as thick and twice as high, and chops down that tree with two blows.

"That's amazing, you're hired, but what sort of prior experience have you got?"
"Well, I used to work in the Sahara Forest."
The foreman frowns. "You mean the Sahara Desert?"
"That's why I'm here."

God save us from people who mean well. -storm

Post: #134

-How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
-AIDS

-What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe?
-A canoe tips.

-What's the difference between Trayvon Martin and Trayvon Martin jokes?
-Jokes are getting old.

Post: #135

Back during the Vietnam War, monks used to set themselves on fire to protest it. I'd like to do the same to protest Israel oppressing the Palestinians. Has anyone got a couple of monks I can use?

God save us from people who mean well. -storm

Post: #136

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of love?
A: The swallow.

God save us from people who mean well. -storm

Post: #137

What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese.

What do spinach and anal sex have in common?
If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

Why can't you fool an aborted baby?
Because it wasn't born yesterday.

What's the best thing about a blowjob?
10 minutes of silence.

What gets easier to pick up the more it weighs?
Women.

Post: #138

What do rednecks do on the Halloween?
Pump kin.

What's the worst part of being a black Jew?
Having to seat in the back of the oven.

What do you call a drunken Muslim?
Mo-hammered.

What do you do when you see someone having seizures in a bathtub?
Throw all your clothes in.

-What do a fat chick and a brick have in common?
-Eventually, both will get laid by a Mexican.

Post: #139

And now, Bernard Manning!

Two old maids on a beach, streaker ran past, one had a stroke, the other one couldn't reach.

Man says to his wife: 'Pack your bags, I've won the pools.' She says: 'What should I pack? Something light, something warm? Where are we going?' He says: 'We're going nowhere. Just pack your bags and fuck off.'

I don't believe Scots are as tight as people say, but I did hear that when two taxis collided in Glasgow recently 48 people were injured.

'Seriously folks, I didn't mean that. My grandfather died at Auschwitz' - crowd goes quiet - 'very sad. He fell out of the machine gun tower'.

I went to see that Pavarotti last week and he was a right miserable git. He doesn't like it when you join in.

So David, what about the stick after the Argentinian game? Oh, she was fine with it.

I feel sorry for people that don't drink, because when they wake up in the morning, that's the best they're going to feel all day.

A Scouser went to a prostitute. She said, 'Do you want a blow job?' He said, 'Will it affect me dole money?'

What's the difference between an Iraqi woman and a pilchard? One's ugly, greasy, with bulging eyes. The other's a fish.

I have a pakistani who lives next door to me, He said the other day to me "I'm a better man than you" I said "I never said you fucking wasn't, but what makes you think your a better man than me?" He said "I don't have a fucking Paki, living next door to me"

Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a group of kids. He said, 'For the last time, I haven't got your football.'

I went to Anfield the other day to watch a match. A scouse lad said, 'Can I mind your car for you mister?'
I said, 'No! And for your information, there's a Rottweiler in the back.'
The lad said: 'Put out fires, can he?'

Theres two fellas running down the road "Help! Help! a lions escaped" A passerby said "Which way did it go?" One of the fellas says "you stupid cunt, you don't think we're fuckin chasing it do ya?"

"Jackanory stuff, is for wimps. Grown men that work on building sites don't want to hear 'ecky thump' and 'ooh dammit'."

"I see they've found Donald Campbell's body - it came out of a tap in Huddersfield!"

A Yorkshire couple go to the Costa Brava for a holiday, but on arrival, the wife says "I won't be able to make gravy with your dinner, love - I've forgotten the Bisto"
The husband says, "Don't worry, there's an English couple staying in the next apartment, I'll see if they have any"
So he knocks on the door of the next apartment, and says to the man" 'Allo, 'hast any Bisto"
To which the man replies "Piss off, you Spanish prat!""

God save us from people who mean well. -storm

Post: #140

- "Dad, why am I black, but you and mommy are white?"
- "The reason is an orgy with 35 participants. Be thankful that you don't bark..."

Post: #141

Man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock."

The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet.

"973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to walk away.

"Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." Man says sure.

"You are an economist for a government think tank," says the shepherd.

"Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"

"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."

Post: #142

How do you get a redneck to suck your dick? Dip it in ranch.

Aloha!

Post: #143

A joke and a man named Kona walk into a bar.

The joke looks around confused and says to Kona: "I thought that we were still in Post #92."

Post: #144

(10-18-2017 10:20 AM)Handsome Creepy Eel Wrote:  A joke and a man named Kona walk into a bar.

The joke looks around confused and says to Kona: "I thought that we were still in Post #92."

The man loves his ranch!

Post: #145

An old professor used to start his lectures with a chauvinist joke. The female students got predictably triggered. One day, they decided to boycott the lecture and leave should the professor bring up another joke.
Next day, the professor shows up and says: „Good morning! Did you know there is a lack of prostitutes in India?“ The girls stand up and exit, as planned. Meanwhile, the professor shouts after them: „No need to hurry, ladies, the next flight to India won't leave before tomorrow.“

Post: #146

A young man starts his first job as a sheepherder. Far out on the range, he learns the ropes of the job from the older shepherds.

After about a week, around the campfire one night, he asks hesitantly, "Hey guys...what do ya'll do...you know, for women out here?"

One of the grizzled old shepherds replied, "That's easy, we just grab a ewe and take her off behind the bushes."

"Really?" The rookie was incredulous.

"Yeah, we all do it" they all nodded in agreement.

The rookie thought it over, then got up, found a ewe and did exactly that. When he returned to the campfire, all the other shepherds were howling with laughter.

"Wait! You said ya'll do it?!"

"Well, yeah, but you picked out the ugliest one!"

Post: #147

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

Post: #148

Group of fags are having a party sitting in Jacuzzi when all of a sudden a big cum wad comes floating by in the water and one of them says:

"Ok...who farted?"

Post: #149

Ever had sex while camping? It's fucking intents.

Post: #150

If a blind girls tells you you got a big dick, she's probably just pulling your leg