Hi fellas! It's me again! Miss me?
Time for another update.
Btw, I do apologize for the long delay. I was having a fairly good time, and didn't want to remind myself of my old situation by coming here and reading about how much life used to suck... lol. But it's been a loooong time. So here we go...
The previous update was in December. At the end of December, my English teaching job ended (the semester was complete), and they didn't rehire me. That's ok - I didn't want to keep working there anyway. I didn't connect with the other teachers, and I was freezing my ass off (southern China doesn't use indoor heating). I planned on heading south into Laos, or Thailand.
Just after the New Year, I was hanging out with Christian Girl, and she was flipping through my recent calls, and saw Rich Girl's name. She asked me if I was seeing her. I said yea. She asked me if I kissed her. I said yea.
That was it for that.
I tried to explain to her that her unwillingness to engage in any sexual activity disqualified her from being relationship material for me. I also reminded her that I had ready told her this, and clearly informed her of my intention to find another girlfriend. She knew I was looking for a new girlfriend. I told her so - on multiple occasions, just to make sure she understood.
But of course that didn't matter. She said she wouldn't speak to me anymore. She then said several "prophecies", about her future, and mine, and said that we'd meet again in 7 years. She also said that she was going to attempt a "dangerous spiritual mission" somewhere, and that she might die in it, and I might never see her again.
I was feeling quite bad. Lotsa guilt. Christians are great at that, aint they?
But inside, I knew that this breakup had to happen. We were NOT a compatible couple.
She still sends me texts from time to time, urging me to read the bible and stuff like that.
After all is said and done, I think I only made one mistake...
Being with Rich Girl wasn't a mistake. Making out with her wasn't a mistake.
I think the only mistake was not TELLING Christian girl.
I mean I did tell her - half. I told her that I was INTENDING to find another girlfriend, but I didn't tell her when I actually found one. In fact, after I made out with Rich Girl, I went back to my room, where Christian Girl was waiting for me, and kissed her. Yea. That was kinda bad. I admit it. But I learned from it.
The lesson is: if you do anything sexual with another girl, tell the one you're currently dating about it. Just tell her. She can respond however she chooses, including breaking up with you right then and there - but tell her.
So that's my only mistake, as far as I can tell.
I think I just didn't have the courage to take the initiative to break up with her. I wanted the relationship to end, but didn't want to be the one to do it, so I just allowed it to slide until she did.
Part of me was actually RELIEVED when she said it was over.
Actually, that's not 100% true...
I was actually hoping to get both girls to discover their innate bisexuality and start a three-way relationship with me.
Seriously!
I once knew a famous PUA-type guy who said "all girls are bisexual".
I have lofty ambitions, ok?
Well, anyway, on to Part 2.
Part 2: My first sexual relationship!
Only a day or two after that, Rich Girl invited me over to her place - a high rise downtown, and we did it!
We had to keep our voices down, because her 6 year old daughter was in the next room, and didn't know about her mom's new bf yet.
But yea... we had sex.
It wasn't quite a virginity-losing experience, because I had already done it with 4 girls, 2 in Costa Rica and 2 in the Philippines. But it was my first time with a person not employed in the sex industry! Hurrah!
Then she came over to my place a few times, and we did it there.
The sex itself was ok. It felt very empowering, very validating, very confidence-boosting... Very good for my ego.
But there wasn't a whole lot of physical pleasure. I didn't lose myself in it. It was nothing even comparable to the mindblowing experience I know that sex is supposed to be. When it was over, I congratulated myself, and felt more optimistic about my future. But that was it. It wasn't that fun. In fact, it was kind of a chore.
It's not because she isn't hot. She is. VERY hot. If she came to the USA, she would be rated a 9. At least. Probably a 9.5 in some areas. She's petite, tanned, has perfect soft silky skin, and long dark hair. And despite being Chinese, she has decent-sized boobs and a bubble-butt. Overall, she looks like a 17 year old girl with a grown woman's style and intellect.
Intellectually, we have a lot in common. She reads Osho and Krishnamurti, two of my favorite authors. She has a big-ass tome of Plato sitting on her couch, that we kept knocking over during makeouts.
I had to leave China by January 11th, for a visa-run. I told her I was going to Laos, and would come back within a week.
She broke up with me.
Huh?
She simply sent a text saying "it was fun, but we are not together anymore. Good luck." Then she deleted my contact information (in WeChat you can see when someone deletes you).
So I flew to Laos, and the night I got there, she sends a text saying "i miss you." With a sad emoji.
Da fuck... ?
I somehow knew she wasn't finished, and wanted some more o' what I gots.
But I had a dilemma. Laos was REALLY fucking beautiful in January. The high elevation made it cool and fresh - California type temperatures. And everything was lush, verdant, emerald green. Tons of flowers. It reminded me of Maryland in late April/early May. In fact, I had started to become homesick, in China, and being in such an environment really reminded me of home. I really really reeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaally wanted to stay in Laos.
But Amy (Rich Girl) and I were talking again, and sending eachother sad emojis, back and forth. She said she wanted me back, and asked when I'd be there.
I knew if I didn't take this opportunity, I'd be kicking myself for the rest of my life, wondering what "would have been."
Affer 5 days in Laos, I came back.
I got off the plane and went straight to her place and fucked. It was a little more fun this time.
The next day, she introduced me to her daughter. We kinda started to resemble a "happy family". Lol, well, sorta.
I mean, we had puppies too. The dogs that lived in the alley next to the school, had a litter of 4 puppies, back in December, and I was helping to raise them (mainly by setting up their doghouse and insulating it from the cold). By mid-January they were running around, and Amy and I went to see them almost every day, sometimes bringing her daughter. She even decided to adopt 2 of them. An idea that quickly soured after two nights of being kept awake cleaning shit off of every corner of the floor. She brought them back to their mother on the third day.
She also said that she was planning to go visit her home province (1500 miles away) to apply for a passport. (In China you can't mail in your forms - you have to go apply, in person, in the town where you were born). This was to happen some time in March, and she said I could come with her and meet her family.
I also introduced her to Chinese Herbal Medicine.
....the kind that just became legal in Colorado and Washington.
She was a little shocked at first, having been brainwashed to believe it's a horrible terrible thing. But then I showed it to her. She was fascinated. Especially when she saw the seeds. "These are the same seeds my grandparents eat! I watched them eat this every day as a child!" She was all giggly and giddy. For a few days she was glued to the internet reading about it, constantly asking me "are you use it today? When you last time used it?" and didn't allow me to drive her car anymore. But pretty soon she decided to try it, and we got high together and had high sex, which was, definitely, closer to the profound experience I had been hoping that sex was.
So here I was, suddenly living a pretty good life, by most measurements.
Hot girlfriend - check
Place to live - check (i was living with her)
Doggies galore - check
Child to help raise and practice my parenting skills - check
Money - check (she handed me another big cash envelope the day after i got back)
Cool city with plenty of hiking trails around - check (btw, someone asked what city I've been living in. It's called Lijiang. It's in the southwest, near Tibet, Myanmar, and Laos, and surrounded by mountains.)
But on the downside, I had no idea what to do with myself in the meantime.
My teaching job was over and there were no other schools hiring. My "mission", I felt, was calling me down into Laos. I wanted to live with the hill tribes, and get away from modernity for a while. I was really looking forward to that. For months, I'd been planning on it. But now I had a girlfriend in Lijiang. What could I do?
My mission was leading to Laos, but how could I just get up and leave such a... near-perfect situation? I had A FUCKING GIRLFRIEND! How could I walk away?
And what would I do with my time if I stayed?
I got an idea.
I decided to climb a mountain.
There's a great big snowcapped mountain that towers above the skyline of the city, with slopes starting barely 10 miles from the city's outskirts. There's a national park, and a chair-lift that takes you up to 16,000 feet, where the glacier begins. I had known about it, but it was prohibitively expensive. Taxi ride, park entrance fee, cable car up, cable car down, another taxi... Too much for a humble part-time teacher! So for months and months, I didn't go.
But then I got the idea - who needs a chairlift? I can just walk!
So I took the bus to the village that sits closest to the mountain, and just.... started walking.
On the first day, I found a mule-trail leading into the forest that covers the southern slope.
On the second day, I went up it for about two hours, and lost the trail, and just chilled and took pictures somewhere around 10,500 feet.
On the third day, I hiked back up to the same spot, found the continuation of the trail, and went up to about 11,500, where there's a great big meadow, sitting right before the main, stony body of the mountain, with (what I think are) heavily overgrown megalithic stone circles used by ancient long-gone peoples for religious ceremonies.
It's quite impressive, to me at least, since before this, I didn't even like climbing HILLS. When I went hiking, if there was any elevation-gain at all, I was like "fuck this." And there I was, climbing a mountain!
The whole way up, my legs were hurting, and I was just like, "Who the fuck CARES if it hurts? I HAVE A FUCKING GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!"
They say women can inspire a man to climb a mountain. Well... literally!
But...
...then she broke up with me again.
She said we two are not enough in common, no reason be togezzer, and also I love dogs too much, and it's weird, and she doesn't want to put herself or her daughter at risk for rabies.
This was totally out of the blue, never having mentioned rabies before, or complained about my affection for dogs, at all. Not once.
I knew it was just an excuse. I've read enough game material to know how women think.
So I was like ok, she 'broke up' with me like 3 times already. I'll just wait this one out. She'll be back.
So I didn't call her, didn't text (except one time to send a pretty picture from the mountain), and sure enough, after less than a week, she texted me saying she missed me and invited me back over her place. This was somewhere around February 5th or 6th.
So we got back to it again. Having sex.
But I was growing tired and bored.
Part 3: The Unravelling
I was starting to secretly hope for the relationship to end. The ego-boost of having a hot girlfriend and walking around town like "da man" was starting to lose its intensity. I still wasn't enjoying sex that much. I was starting to resent and dread it. It was becoming a real chore.
Why?
I have a few theories.
1. I wasn't getting into the type of brainwave-state that real, true, animal-drive mating-drive sex takes place on. I've been "up in my head" for so long, for so many years without even a gap, that I've really profoundly forgotten how to truly and deeply relax and let my body take over. I talked about this in detail in my previous update - just search for keywords "hypothalamus" or "cerebrum".
2. We just aren't that compatible. Yea she's smart, she reads Krishnamurti and Osho, she's open-minded (she tried weed for godsake), and she's into some alternative theories about this and that. But she's also very money-oriented, drives a big SUV, and thinks ecological protection (my life mission) is a worthy cause, but not something she's motivated to be personally involved in. This means that if something like a "Soulmate" actually exists, she's probably not the one.
So I started to want to seperate from her, in order to make room for my true soulmate, if such a person indeed exists.
I didn't break up with her though. I still considered it idiotic to throw away what I had. So I kept it up.
But then things started to happen.
One night, we were kissing, and I realized that her lips STUNG. Like I felt this weird, almost pain-like energy in my lips while kissing her, that felt like stinging. I though ok, maybe it's spices from dinner, and I'm high... So I tried kissing her elsewhere on her body, but it was the same thing.
Then I started having trouble getting my dick up. I tried fantasizing, and eventually started looking at porn in the bathroom right before sex, to arouse myself.
Then, the puppies were kidnapped. Some jerk snuck into the alley in the middle of the night and took them, all four of them, and we never saw any of them again.
Amy then went to her daughter's home province to get HER a passport, and I couldn't come because her ex-husband was going with them (it's his hometown). She was there for about 10 days, which I took advantage of to go visit Laos again.
But to my surprise, it was now officially Southeast Asian Smoke Season. The end of the dry season, where everything is dry, dust-ridden, and farmers burn the previous year's rice plants, and villagers burn everything in sight, including PLASTIC. Just imagine L.A. or Delhi, with brown sky. It had only been about 5 weeks since I had last been there, when everything was verdant green and beautiful. The contrast was so bad it really soured me on Laos, and possibly SE Asia altogether.
During this time, I texted with Amy, but the conversations grew shorter and shorter, and eventually devolved into saying "hey how are you", being virtually silent for 20 minutes, and then "alright well im goin to bed, sweet dreams! + sleeping emoji."
We were growing bored of eachother.
I think she was into me because of my nationality. She has a lot of money, and can afford to buy lots of toys. Her latest toy was, "an American."
And I was into her because she was into me.
Not that different from Christian Girl, really. Well, ok... if you add sex and subtract glossolalia.
I came back to Lijiang in early March, and we fucked a couple more times. I brought her up the mountain, all the way to the high meadow with the stone circles. She was quite a trooper.
But then somewhere around March 11th or 12, somewhere around there, she broke up again. She said we have not much in common, no future together, and wanted to just be friends... she told me this over lunch, in Pizza Hut (a fairly upscale restaurant here, to be fair). I remember after the meal, the way she just turned her back and walked away, without even a hug. The way she did it, it was just... cold. Empathy-less. In that moment, I realized she was right - we ARE too different.
There was another litter of puppies, three this time, born right after the breakup. I started taking care of those. Between taking care of them, and hiking... I wasn't really doing much else.
I did go on a few dates with girls I met at English Corner (a free event every Wednesday night where locals can practice there english with foreigners). I met some university chicks, one of whom fell hard in love with me after the first date. But on the second date, we went to a lake with two of her girlfriends, who interviewed me. It went pretty well, but the girl was just blushing and being quiet the whole time, and she never called me again after that. When I ran into her on the street a couple weeks later, she seemed uninterested. I guess her friends convinced her im not the right guy for her. Theyre probably right. She's cute and sweet, and I like her, but I didn't really envision us being a couple.
Then Amy went on her trip to her home province for her passport. Without me. I figured it's over with her.
In late April i went to Laos again, for another visa run. Too hot, too humid, most tourists gone for the season. Not really inspiring. I came back to Lijiang on May 4th.
When I came back I found all the dogs - including the puppies, AND the mother and grandmother - had been kidnapped. This time the school said they sent them to a shelter, where they had already been adopted by families.
This was utterly heartbreaking. The mother, whom we call(ed?) XiaoHuang (little yellow) was truly an angel in a dog's body. She was the light of the whole place. Everyone loved her so much. Students, teachers, kids, they'd all play with her on breaks. She would follow me all over the city. On hikes. She climbed with me to the top of the 800 foot hill at the edge of town. Everyone assumed she was my dog. And she brought another dog in off the street, who had clearly been abused, and helped him get comfortable with humans again. She was magical. She was perfectly behaved, and wouldn't even pee on pavement - she always went onto dirt or grass. She never lived indoors, and never had any "owner", or any training whatsoever, so don't ask me how she knew to do that. The school manager deliberately got rid of the brightest part of his whole establishment, the candle in the dark. What a fucking idiot.
I can only hope she found a good home.
So here I am now. Amy isn't getting back together, Christian girl went home, and now I don't even have Little Yellow anymore. I'm really sad, bored, and directionless.
I tried climbing the mountain again, this time getting close to 13,000 feet, almost to the spine of the thing - but it didn't do much for me.
Now my neighbor informed me that my parents have put our house up for sale, and could sell it soon. If I don't go back home now, I might not see the inside of it again.
So I've decided I'm going home. I need to rest, collect myself, and wait for inspiration on what to do next.
But I consider this year of my life a huge success. Let's take stock of the victories:
-I stayed away from the States for the longest period yet - more than 2.5 times as long as the next longest (my India trip)
-I held down a job in a foreign country - my first ever
-I got MY FIRST TWO GIRLFRIENDS! And i learned what it's like to have a woman to come home to, who cares about you
-I had MY FIRST SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP!!!
-I climbed a fucking mountain... like 5 times
-I added three countries to my list
-I completely stopped thinking about suicide. It feels weird that i ever did.
-I began writing something that I intend to publish, the first writing project that I haven't deleted a few weeks after starting. Stay tuned to see what it is.
Basically, I feel like a man now.
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