Part 2.... The Yoga Center
As the only foreigner, I immediately stood out. As soon as I got there, all the chicks went into giggly-asian mode. For the first 3 days, every time I made eye contact with them (or opened my mouth to say something, no matter how mundane), they would all bust out laughing and blushing. They would approach me, to ask about me and my country, and practice what limited English they had. On my second night there, the director gathered everyone around a fire to introduce me, let me speak about my travels/adventures and get my opinions and ideas on yoga and other related subjects. As I talked, he translated into Chinese, and the other people asked questions to me, which he translated into English for me. It was me, surrounded by a circle of giggly, blushing 20-year old girls, intently focused on me, asking me questions about my life and opinions. I'm not exaggerating. It was like I was a guru, at a satsang, surrounded by students. At one point, I was asked, "do you have a girlfriend?", to which I replied, "I'm accepting applications." They all busted out laughing (like they did at everything else I said, only a little more intense). They then asked me what qualities I'm looking for in a girl. I'm not making this up! I told them she has to be caring, adventurous, love animals, open-minded and eager to try new things.
Throughout the first few days, one girl in particular seemed to be the most assertive with regard to approaching me and talking to me. Let's call her Jing. Jing practically followed me around, and began touching me in little ways very early on. At first she took my bracelet in her fingers and asked "how to say in English?", but of course I knew she wasn't REALLY trying to find out how to say it, she just wanted an excuse to initiate touch. After that she would occasionally put her hand on my shoulder while talking to me, and things like that. I hadn't made a "decision" on which girl I was the most attracted to, so I figured I would just go for the one who seemed to be the most interested in me. The path of least resistance - like the Tao! Yes, grasshopper.
So of course I realized, due to her repeatedly touching me, that I had the green light to start touching her. But I didn't know how. And this was the first big challenge.
Touch - the very concept of putting one's hands on another person - seems extremely weird and unusual to me. I know, intellectually, that it's a perfectly normal part of being human, yada yada yada. Yes, I know. But it FEELS awkward. It's just... strange. Part of me is going "why would you put your HANDS... on a PERSON?" Even though I know that when a woman is touching you, repeatedly, you have a gigantic, glaring, 100 megawatt neon-green light to start touching her back, and it's completely appropriate - and in fact, it's creepy and weird if you DON'T touch her at that point. Yes, I know. But it still feels strange and unusual.
So I started looking for "opportunities" or "excuses" to touch her. Even though I knew I could, I still needed some kind of "reason" to do it. Like, what am I supposed to do, just plop my hand down on her shoulder, and just leave it there? What if she's standing across from me - do I just extend my arm out there, and leave it on her, like a bridge across the gulf? Do I do it while we're side to side? Do I touch the side of her nearest to me, or do I reach across to her opposite shoulder? Or am I supposed to hold her hand for a little bit first? Do I continue talking while I'm doing it, as if to say "ah, no big deal, yea I'm touching you whatevs, it's normal, so like what were you saying? anyway..." OR do I do it in a manly alpha sorta way, like stop the conversation for a second to show her "yes, i KNOW im putting my hand on you now, yea, feel that, I'm alpha beyotch and you're mine baby, yea, now, what were you saying?" Do I lock eyes while I'm doing it? Etc etc.
I'm not actually asking for answers to those questions, because I know that all of those questions are irrelevant. What I'm doing is showing my thinking process that's going on when I'm in situations like that. I know that there's no answer to those questions, except for "stop thinking so fucking much, and just TOUCH her dude!"
So anyway, after much stressing about the whole thing, I engineered a situation where we were sitting side by side, close enough that the sides of our bodies were touching. At first it was our knees, then our shoulders. I know there are some of you who are laughing at this. Go ahead, laugh all you want. I know it's funny.
In this situation, she started asking me deep personal questions, like about my family, and about my plans for the future. Eventually she got to the one question I absolutely dread:
"How many girlfriends have you had?"
Every time a girl has asked me this question, it spells the end. I don't know how to answer this. If I lie, they find out pretty quick. If I lie, I have to maintain the lie, and pile more lies on top of it. I don't like to lie. "No officer, I don't have any weed in my car" is an acceptable lie, but "I've had a few girlfriends and I'm no stranger to the realm of sex and intimacy" is not an acceptable lie. It doesn't work. It always comes back to bite me. So I don't lie about things like that.
But if I tell the truth, it doesn't bode well either. Anyway, I told her I haven't had any girlfriends. She asked why, and I struggled to come up with a response. I said "I don't know." She asked again. Again I said I just don't know. Scared that I may have been sending signals of being some sort of closet homo, I finally settled on a viable explanation: "because American girls don't make good girlfriends." It was the closest thing to the truth that I could come up with.
She responded that she thinks that people everywhere are the same, and didn't seem to buy my explanation. But apparently it wasn't a dealbraker, because she continued the conversation, showing me pictures of her parents, and her house, and asking me if I want children. She told me that she has a boyfriend, who lives in a city 700 miles away from her city, thus making it a long distance relationship, and further telling me that she doesn't like him anymore and wants to break up with him. She said he calls her all the time, and she finds it annoying. She told me he's possessive, and irritating, she doesn't feel it for him anymore. She asked me if she should break up with him, and if so, how. I told her the best way is to just be honest and tell him that she doesn't want him to call anymore. She asked me to help her change her phone number to avoid him. (lol!) I said just block the number.
She then told me her model of an ideal relationship. You guys are going to LOVE LOVE LOVE this. She said she wants a relationship where she's submissive, is basically a housewife, and where the man leads her. She said she doesn't want to be the boss, but would rather her man be the boss, and work and make money while she raises the children. She said she thinks man and woman should be a team, not competitive, and that each one should respect the other's role. I then elaborated on my explanation of American women, telling her that they try to reverse that relationship, compete with men to take the man's role away from him, try to supplant him as the leader, etc, and that's why I don't think they make good girlfriends! She laughed - the laugh of understanding.
In all this conversation, I still didn't really touch her though.
I was trying to find a "reason", or an "appropriate moment" where touching felt natural. But I couldn't find such an opportunity.
At this point, the group got together to do some chanting mantras. She got up and sat somewhere else for this, and when it was over, we ate lunch, and from that point on, something was different in her - she seemed more withdrawn, sullen, and gloomy. The next time I talked to her, she looked very unhappy. She even got combative; instead of putting her hand on my shoulder, she started hitting me. Playful hitting, but hitting nonetheless. She started karate chopping the air in front of me, doing karate kicks that fell just short of my stomach. I'm not making this up.
It turned from "gentle girl making conversation" to "combative tom-boyish girl trying to cocky-funny me, tease me, and bust my balls."
Later that day, in yoga class, she sat on her mat, not moving, for half the class. I saw that as an opportunity - and after the class, I went up to her asking her why she seemed so gloomy - and I PUT MY HAND ON HER SHOULDER in a gesture of comfort. Woohoo!!!!! YEs!!!!! Finally! I put my hand on her! Yay!!! All it took was an excuse.
By the way, if there's one thing I'd like to hear comments about, more than anything else, it's this touching issue. I'm pretty sure it's the #1 roadblock separating me from a satisfying existence in this life.
After that, she told me she was thinking about leaving the program early and going home. We talked for a little while, with her telling me her reasons for wanting to leave. I shared my feedback on the subject.
The next day, I had to come back to the city for a party that the school was throwing for Mid-Autumn day. After getting away from the yoga center and the situation there, I took a step back and got some perspective. She's only one girl. There are 10 more there. I can start paying attention to the others. They might play less head games. And if I pay attention to them, this one will probably get jealous and realize that she's in danger of losing me, and start pursuing me again. And that's pretty much exactly what happened. When I returned the following day, I started talking to the other girls more, and voila- everything was new and fresh. Jing started being friendly again. But she's still got the combative persona - she's still karate-chopping me. But it's more playful now.
Ummm so... that's where I'm at. I'm teaching class tomorrow, and will probably head back to the yoga center tomorrow night or sunday.
I'd like some advice on how to escalate. Things are a little complicated logistically because the girls are staying in dormitory-style living spaces. I have my own room (for now - there's another bed in the room, but no one is currently occupying it, since males are in rather low supply). So if a girl wants to hook up with me, we could do it in my room. [I want to clarify that I'm talking about at the yoga center - not my apartment in the city. My apartment in the city is all mine, completely private, although the girls at the yoga center aren't "allowed" to leave during the length of their program, so it would be hard to get one to come back to the city with me].
But either way, if one of the girls were missing from her bed one night, her roommate would undoubtedly go looking for her, all the way up to whispering/calling her name in the courtyard. If she were to tell her roommate that she's hooking up with me, that would not go over well. That's just... no. I don't know how else to explain it except that culturally it seems like a big no-no. The girls are in a sort of collective female hive-mind sort of thing. It's like they're all one organism. And they're big on following rules. For all I know, the yoga program probably has a prohibition on sexual relations. This isn't carousel-land. If one of them were to hook up, it would not go over. It would be a big deal, and could result in total shame and her being a persona-non-grata for the rest of the program, if not kicked out entirely. I don't know any of that for a fact, but it's the impression I'm getting.
So I'd like to hear your thoughts. Thanks for reading! Here's a picture of the mountain next to the yoga center:
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