Post: #1

I've posted here several times. I always point out that I'm 70-ish years old and married to the same woman for 35 years. Nonetheless, I've learned a lot from the collective wisdom here. We didn't have anything like this back in the day and I'm thankful to be able to learn what I can and apply it to my life situation. Maybe you have some ideas about how to better game a problem I have.

My wife has a thing for really unattractive women friends. Multiple degrees, six figure incomes, all of them single but truly below average in looks. I mean fat, poorly groomed, and dressed sloppy frumpy with personalities to match. What's so wierd is my wife is just the opposite. She's 5'2"/115, works out at a gym 3 times a week and is extremely well dressed and stylish. We both dress well and she's always very together in​ her appearance whether in classic European fashion or edgey urban street style trendy. But, if she walked into a room full of a hundred women, 99 of them gorgeous and smart with great personality but one wildebeest carrying an unpublished poetry manuscript, she would walk past the 99 hotties without even seeing them and straight to the wildebeest​

I just can't stand hanging out with sloppy ugly women that don't take care of themselves or their health and appearance. It's affected our relationship, fragmented our social life and it's a major source of disappointment for me. The best I've been able to negotiate is that she goes to lunch with them, without me, but I don't let her bring them to the house. I suppose she's insecure and doesn't like competition, but I've never hit on any of her friends so there's no reason for her to think I would start. I'm interested to know if any of the older guys especially have run across something like this. It would be great if there is a way to work with this and not just give up and accept it as a failure.

Post: #2

Not an older guy but have noticed women doing this to feel better about themselves. So they stand out and feel like the Rose amongst the weeds.

Slim attractive women will often tell their fat friends its ok and encourage their poor health disguised as caring and being supportive when really they are subconsciously sabotaging the competition.

Post: #3

I have had a similar experience. I´m close to 40, got rid of my ex a few years ago. Was with her a long time. She had many girlfriends that were very overweight, whales to be exact. I used to hate being around them and hate it even more if she brought them to the house. These girls were always so fucking negative and always some drama going on. Talking shit behind other peoples backs was the standard. More then a few times I had to accompany my ex to dinner in restaurants with them, oh the shame.

The worst was probably my ex´s niece, also a whale which she invited without my knowledge with us on holiday for a few weeks. Worst fucking trip ever. This whale traveled half way around the world to sit by the pool and eat. Every day was a negotiation to get her out from the resort area to do something with us as my ex didn´t want to leave her alone. Something I would have gladly done.

I don´t know the reasons for my ex surrounding herself with whales, I didn´t exactly ask her straight out about it. I did however mention their lousy behavior and personalities and ask why the fuck she would want to know them. The answer was always that it was just me not seeing what great persons they were. Right.

In the later years of my relationship I started to see a shift in my ex, the way she did not take care of herself and dressed. So thinking back I can buy that theory that having friends like that around makes one more comfortable being like that yourself.

I will never make the same mistake of having a girl around that has such friends.

Post: #4

Yeah its probably best to discourage your girl from consorting in fatgirl groups. If they hang around fatties too long there is a risk the glutinous, lazy, negativity will rub off and her own standards will lapse. They will eventually attempt to shame her as the "skinny bitch" and the like too.

Post: #5

I think women tend to undermine other women. If they are single, they are competition. If they are taken, they are competition by proxy if the guy they are with has any apparent value; other high value men look at the guy, see a hot girl, and figure they want that too.

Don't know if the OP has noticed that.

Post: #6

OP. You've been married 35 years so I assume she cares what you think and about your happiness : Have you been openly direct with her about the issue?

Post: #7

Thanks for all the great and supportive replies. Actually, yes, I have discussed it openly with her. I'll give you an example of how this runs down.

We're both known people in the arts and performance and attract attention when we're out locally. I'm 100% fearless in approaching but usually people will approach us. About 2 weeks ago we went to a trendy galleria type mall to do a little browsing and shopping. While we were in a clothing store a really cute young sales girl recognized us and approached to start a little conversation. She started talking about her favorite restaurant which was just a block or two away and even went as far as to tell us what time she got off work. It was obvious she just wanted to know us, was being friendly and trying to make a date. So, my wife turned very cold and walked away like a bad wingman. I didn't close for the date. The conversation when we got home was "Look, that was an opportunity to have a positive social interaction with a nice young person and widen our social circle to include someone young and vibrant who's interested in simply knowing us."

These discussions never go anywhere. Over the recent years she's filtered out all of the people in our social circle that are attractive, fun and interesting to be around. What we're left with is separate social lives, separate groups of friends, and we just don't socialize together as a couple anymore. I think there are control issues there but the reality is when you're in an LTR you can't "force" someone to do or be what you want. You have to be on the same page or in the same boat in ways that are comfortable to both people in the relationship. It surprises me that several other guys have also experienced this, it's good to know that I'm not the only one. But if there's a way to work with the situation I haven't figured that out yet.

Post: #8

You didn't mention anything about anxiety, but I assume she has some. All women do, for the most part, even women who are very comfortable with who they are.

Interacting with attractive women is very tiresome for most people, but especially women. They have to run everything through the "ME" filter first. Anything an attractive woman tells her friends over brunch is taken as a veiled insult, a threat or at best, "is this about me?". After a while it gets to be too much.

Us guys don't filter shit and it shows with our interactions with attractive women. When she says something dumb or veiled, we don't address it or we tease them. Women don't know how to tease, or they are one step teasers without any layers so their conversations are either deadly serious or ridiculously silly. As women get older, the silliness and abandon of youth is replaced by all sorts of meaningless mothering. If they have kids, this puts them into the world of the absurd. If not, they become over bearing and anxious, trying to alleviate the mothering tendency.

If I was to guess, these self hating women are very open to new people as they are always looking for more company in their misery. No one lasts very long, as no sane human can stand it. So being accepting and open at the beginning is necessary for them, but given a bit of time and most people leave them alone, again.

Attractive women in their later 40's become busy in a way that only married men with families will understand. Their ability to forge new friendships outside of their hectic lives is almost zero. So when you mentioned "a really cute young sales girl" my immediate reaction was 'Perfect!'. No one seems to mentor anymore, so if I was you I would begin planting the seeds of mentorship on your wife. Make it about her.
"You have so much to offer the next generation, it would be a waste if you didn't!".

Good luck and keep us posted.

Post: #9

My gut reaction is that if this is the biggest problem in your marriage you are way ahead of the game. I think your wife's reaction to the sales girl is as would be expected. If I had to make a very speculative guess, it sounds like you might have had an affair years or decades ago, your wife claimed she was over it, but was not and still is not.

Who knows, this is the type of thing that can tie your mind into a pretzel in the attempt to assign logic to it.

Post: #10

Every post here has at least one pearl of wisdom. I really appreciate that. So, this is the biggest problem in my marriage, other than normal bickering, and maybe I am ahead of the game. I was very much the horn dog in my younger years. Maybe that has more to do with it than I thought. You've all given some great insights​. Partly it's my sense of running out of time to work things out. The days seem like minutes and it's over in the blink of an eye. Carpe diem.

Post: #11

One of a woman's biggest source of insecurity is her own obsolescence. It causes tremendous anxiety which often manifests very quickly as anger.

By the way...are you trying to set up 3 way with your wife and a younger woman?

Post: #12

You see them in the clubs and pubs, the obligatory fat ugly friend hanging with all the hunnis.

She is there to make them feel good about themselves, and to be the bitch and cock-block the boys, since no one cares about her image, including herself she can be a nasty bitch.

She is the bane of all players, the cock blocking ruination of many a great set, and the eyesore on the landscape.

Post: #13

Papaya Tapper, thanks for the vote of confidence my friend, however, when you get to your 70's you might remember things fondly without expecting​ them seriously.

Freud said sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. I say sometimes a dinner date with a good looking young woman is just a dinner date with a good looking young woman. I appreciate fast cars, Swiss watches, Gibson guitars, fine clothes and furnishings, and yes a pretty girl, but I don't want to fade out looking like a bad caricature of Hugh Hefner chasing the bunnies.

Post: #14

(12-13-2018 05:29 PM)RatInTheWoods Wrote:  You see them in the clubs and pubs, the obligatory fat ugly friend hanging with all the hunnis.

She is there to make them feel good about themselves, and to be the bitch and cock-block the boys, since no one cares about her image, including herself she can be a nasty bitch.

She is the bane of all players, the cock blocking ruination of many a great set, and the eyesore on the landscape.

The cock blocking friend will always have a home with most insecure pretty girls social circles, sad to say.