Post: #101

(03-21-2017 10:39 AM)Dalaran1991 Wrote:  Re-reading this thread again gives me lots of great insights and a sense of clarity.

Thinking back, this is not the first time she did something like this. Except that the first time, I was in the wrong.

I can be a bit messy from time to time. A year ago when our LTR was still young, I just started my career and I was often exhausted. Last thing on my mind was cleaning the damn room.

Most of the time when she comes over, she happily helped me clean. One day, however, she was in a bad mood. She came to the room, saw the mess and had a breakdown: “I can’t stand this anymore, every time I come here this place is a slaughterhouse, I don’t want to come here anymore!” Then she stormed off into one corner.

I held the same frame then as I do now, so I told her sternly: “then leave” then I went downstair to get a coffee. Textbook freeze out.

She then came down, apologized and we clean the room together. Been 2 years and she still helps clean without asking, though I’m a lot less messy now.

This is why LTR even with a good girl might not be a good choice for guys who really value their independence and sometimes their ego.

Nevertheless, it raised a good question for many here: how would you react in a similar situation, when the girl loses it because you actually did fuck up?

It was without question that I should have kept a clean room. Shit that's the requirement to get bangs in the first place, at least with the kind of girls I like.

When I was single, before going out I do a ritual sweep of the room and the place looks 4 star. That period however I was still transiting from student to desk job so I was messy. She deserved to have a clean room to come to, she had a right to get mad. (well technically she didn't, but she was 19 at the time so I guess she is allowed to get mad)

Would you have apologized and started cleaning the room in front of her? I knew I would never have. Then again I guess I’m lucky.

Situations like this are also great in-depth screening for LTR material.

I have a decent amount of (failed) experience with LTRs.

There's a few things that I did wrong repeatedly and they were:

- Not in control of my emotions, being reactive.
- My way or the high-way even when I was wrong.

I think you got the being in control the emotions part really well. In the past, if I was in your situation, I probably would have flipped out. Even though you were "in the right", flipping out, letting your emotions dictate your actions, saying/doing things you'll later regret not only harms your relationship and the way she sees you, but harms yourself as a person.

Now in your situation, when you did screw up, the obvious choice is to not screw up. But since we're humans and we screw up all the time, I think it's necessary to acknowledge it, and take steps to not do it again. Even the most loyal girl will lose trust, and feel under appreciated it you're being unreasonable and acting like a tyrant. Good leaders foster trust by doing things that make sense. If you're wrong, then you must have the humility to admit it and correct your course of action. This of course doesn't mean you grovel and beg for forgiveness.

Post: #102

(03-21-2017 12:42 PM)birthday cat Wrote:  You don't have to decide if you will soft next her or break up with her. You don't have to decide if you will soft next her for a few days or a week or longer. All you have to do is take away the attention and you can make those other decisions after a couple days have gone by and you can think more clearly without any emotion.

Not getting what you're saying here. How do you take away attention if not by soft next?

Post: #103

^ I'm saying that you immediately walk away from the situation and stop giving her attention. At a later time you will decide if you will break up with her or if it will be a soft next and how long the soft next will be.

I know this may sound like a minor detail but girls can be very clever with how they create drama. For example, if you soft next a girl once when you are in an easy situation to walk away from, like being at her house with your car, then her next attempt at drama will be in a situation that is more difficult for you to walk away from, like when you are traveling together.

You want to train yourself to have an immediate, almost subconscious, reaction to her drama. You don't want to have to think about anything. She starts drama and you immediately go into soft next mode without thinking and then you figure out everything else later.

Post: #104

Okay thanks for the clarification. You make it sound like women are cold and calculating though, while I think that they operate more subconsciously. Who knows you may be right though. But what are you going to do, never get married or even go on a vacation with a girl because you can't get away if necessary? Sounds unrealistic.

Post: #105

^ I didn't say any of those things and they aren't very related to the point I was making. All I'm saying is train yourself to recognize drama quickly and immediately take away attention. Similar to the B.D. blogger who writes a lot about soft nexts and suggests that guys have a 20 or 30 second limit on drama before soft nexting.

Post: #106

21 y/o for LTR? Next bro.However there is an interesting topic of conversation in this question. How do you date someone with different political,religious and socioeconomic views than you. I asked my father this question since he has been with my mom for 30 years. He said "son, I made your mother an atheist, an anti socialist and a great cook. Any man can mold his woman into what he wants, you just gotta put in the time and effort" I don't know if this is true or not, but I guarantee you that my father has done it. Which brings me to my point, if you like this girl I'm sure you can change her perspectives with time, but do you wanna put in that time? But on another note, meat is actually very unhealthy, however steak is goddamn delicious

Post: #107

"I held the same frame then as I do now, so I told her sternly: “then leave” then I went downstair to get a coffee. Textbook freeze out."

yes. this sounded perfect - until i sobered up that is.

look, man. she didn't bitch/nag at you for hours. she didn't insult you. she didn't break your shit.

she simply pointed our your own WEAK SPOT and most likely spurred you - at least a little bit - into action. but. instead of choosing TRUTH, you chose a [pseudo-]frame.

do you know what is the direct result of it?

her reduces orgasmic capacity with you.

if, instead of receiving her righteous wrath fully and wholly, you FOLD inside to the point that YOU have to freeze her out, why would she feel free to feel free and share her ORGASMIC ECSTASY with you if, given the events of that night, it will most likely fold you exactly the same way?

meditate in THIS!

Post: #108

(03-21-2017 10:39 AM)Dalaran1991 Wrote:  Re-reading this thread again gives me lots of great insights and a sense of clarity.

Thinking back, this is not the first time she did something like this. Except that the first time, I was in the wrong.

I can be a bit messy from time to time. A year ago when our LTR was still young, I just started my career and I was often exhausted. Last thing on my mind was cleaning the damn room.

Most of the time when she comes over, she happily helped me clean. One day, however, she was in a bad mood. She came to the room, saw the mess and had a breakdown: “I can’t stand this anymore, every time I come here this place is a slaughterhouse, I don’t want to come here anymore!” Then she stormed off into one corner.

I held the same frame then as I do now, so I told her sternly: “then leave” then I went downstair to get a coffee. Textbook freeze out.

She then came down, apologized and we clean the room together. Been 2 years and she still helps clean without asking, though I’m a lot less messy now.

This is why LTR even with a good girl might not be a good choice for guys who really value their independence and sometimes their ego.

Nevertheless, it raised a good question for many here: how would you react in a similar situation, when the girl loses it because you actually did fuck up?

It was without question that I should have kept a clean room. Shit that's the requirement to get bangs in the first place, at least with the kind of girls I like.

When I was single, before going out I do a ritual sweep of the room and the place looks 4 star. That period however I was still transiting from student to desk job so I was messy. She deserved to have a clean room to come to, she had a right to get mad. (well technically she didn't, but she was 19 at the time so I guess she is allowed to get mad)

Would you have apologized and started cleaning the room in front of her? I knew I would never have. Then again I guess I’m lucky.

Situations like this are also great in-depth screening for LTR material.

Just came across this thread and wow.. so much to learn.

- I am actually pretty Red Pill/ Matrix/ Spiritual and all for helping / enabling deprived people in 3rd world nations.. / villages etc.. But modern SJW's are all about Virtue Signaling, not Doing

- I do believe our Environment is being fucked and exploited.. we cant deny

- I am veggie but I dont judge and easily coexist with those who are not.. Do not approve of factory farming, but do not bother with pushing any agenda on anyone.. In fact I find vegans more judgmental & annoying than veggies..

To a large part it not about having different beliefs or your room being messy.. Its about "tone & vibe" of communication/ expression..

Disagreement should not become Disrespect..

Its HOW we communicate & convey, which matters most.. So, if she was upset about having to always clean up your room.. Your STOIC self needs to do 2 things:
- Not be shaken by her "outburst"
- Calm her and tell her this is NOT the way to "communicate"
- Keep a better pad, but allow yourself lee way to LET IT GO, because you were so stressed/ busy etc (happens in life).. And firmly communicate that with her..
- No pushing on each other for "trivialities" of life

PS: One such girl helped be create a better hygiene routine for myself than I had before.. so there's always something to learn.. But "how its conveyed" is key.. with respect & love or with "anger/ aggression/ outburst/ negative tones"

Post: #109

Just re-read this thread from the beginning... WOW. So many gems here.

Bump worthy.

@Dalaran, you have an update to all of this?