RE: Official introduction thread
Hi. I’m astrosleuth.
Been lurking this forum for some time now and I have read most of Roosh's 'Bang' books and follow Roosh on YouTube.
I heard of this forum through these channels. I'm always into learning about some type of self-improvement but figure I'll share my history/story here and 'love life' (or, lack there of):
My story begins on October 28, 1979 at 11:10 PM in Toronto, Canada. I was born with jaundice so I had to lay in an incubator for 13 days. My parents say I was a loud baby. I was also allergic to milk. At two, I would spell names of grocery and furniture stores out on the carpet with plastic letters and could tell time by three. I got a real watch for my third birthday. But, my mom started noticing I was a little ‘different’ from kids my age. She wondered.
A few years later, when I was five, I was a patient at The Hospital for Sick Children – Toronto. The doctors were perplexed, to say the least. Their analysis at the time was that I was ‘brilliant but with autistic tendencies’. That’s it. I also remember my mother saying to me after that the doctors just thought I was smart enough to ‘grow out of it’. This was 1985. Now, we all know you cannot ‘grow out of’ Autistic Spectrum Disorders and they cannot be cured. They can be modified with drugs (mainly to help alleviate other side symptoms that may develop later like anxiety and depression) but autism and/or Asperger’s ca’t be cured. After the hospital visit, I just remember shopping with my mother for plastic letters and being sent on our way. At the time, my parents just thought I was very bright for my age.
Over the years, people just thought I was the ‘weird, quirky’ kid. I’ve endured my share of insults and bullying; but regardless of that and my love life, I’ve also had some good times. I had a few friends in high school, particularly this other student who was considered slow learning. We developed a fast friendship and we continue to remain in touch to this day. I remember we used to sneak snacks into the movies we bought at the dollar store (buck store was infinitely cheaper). I guess looking back, we comforted and learned from each other. We were both considered outcasts.
I have always been scared to socialize, particularly with girls I don’t know as long as I can remember. This was one of the main reasons I couldn’t hack it in college. I developed a crush and couldn’t concentrate on my studies. I had to drop out. The weird thing was we would be sitting in class, and this girl would stare at me….as I her. Her name was Melanie. She would sometimes say ‘Hi’ to me in the hallways, but even if there was something there, I was too shy and not good enough at reading IOIs to respond.
After a childhood and adolescence of being ‘different’, my mom decided to get help. She had heard about this pediatrician and heard he did ‘wonders’. My mom had always suspected something was a miss all along, but nobody could really quite place their finger on it. The doctor was Dr. Madden. I always seem to think of football whenever I think of his name. I was finally formally diagnosed within minutes of Asperger’s Syndrome and Panic Disorder at the age of 21. I was born in 1979. Asperger’s didn’t become a distinct diagnosis until the early 1990s. It all made sense.
Since then, although helpful, a diagnosis wasn’t a ‘cure all’. There was still a lot of progress to make and a lot to learn. Sometimes I had guidance on this road, sometimes I walked alone.
I’ve went the stripper route also in my early 20s; looking for ‘love’ – even if false and paid for. I met a guy at the job I was working at the time and he suggested we go out one night – to the strip club. We became regulars. He introduced me to a world where (semi) ecstasy could be had at a price for a song. It was my first time seeing women’s naked bodies in real life, not in porn. I was enthralled, to say the least. But, it was all I had in the dating, sex and relationship arena and it felt like love and acceptance from the opposite gender at the time. Even if it was lies. I must have had well over 100 lap dances. Somehow, with the money talking, I wasn’t as afraid to talk to women now. Talking to strippers was always easier than talking to ‘civilian’ girls. Perhaps they were just good at their jobs, but easy nonetheless. I even ate there once….the bouncer cooked me a steak once. I ordered it off the menu and he says, ‘Well, I’m sure we can find a steak in here somewhere.’ Most men don’t go for the steak. I’ve had a stripper ask me if I wanted to ‘brush my teeth’ and she then pulled out a pack of Trident. I’ve also had a stripper by the name of ‘Candy’ lick my ear after sucking on a sucker. I admit, it was nice to be wanted, even if an act. In this joint too, if you asked certain girls, and the price was right, you could garner ‘extra favors’ from them. I did this too on a couple of occasions. But, I’ll relay a couple pieces of good advice here:
Do NOT resort to taking out cash advances with your credit card at an ATM for ‘dances’
AND
2. NEVER develop a crush on a stripper !
Especially the latter – believe me, it’s HELL! I’ve been there too. Take it from a former strip club veteran. To watch her gyrate around the pole for other men just magnified my own sexual inadequacies and her hotness in the DSR department. I finally got out of that scene, if just for my own sanity. I’d wake up mornings in a deep depression thinking about her.
My 20s were an especially dark time in my life. My meds weren’t right. Sometimes I drank (lots of times, actually) and either mixed my meds or skipped a dose for that night altogether. I had ‘oneitises’. I was patronizing strippers (good things or bad depending on perspective).
Nowadays to get my rocks off, I just either watch niche market porn, or masturbate. Niche market is easier for me to watch than regular porn because it’s less daunting. (Fat, old, etc.) I think to myself, ‘that could be me someday.’
I consider myself both love-shy and involuntarily celibate. Once I get to know girls, if a friendship is already established and I happen to develop feelings for them, I’m not afraid to let them know how I feel. This has happened in the past. I did this type of pursuing lots in my 20s, actually. I already knew them and developed feelings for some of them. But sadly, all wanted friendship and I had to leave it at that. I remember one particularly painful Friday night. The girl I liked from work offered me to meet her at her place after work that evening….only to break the news she ‘wasn’t interested’. I played it cool – until I left. Then, driving down the street, I let it all out. I cried. I had prepared myself immensely for that moment hoping things would be different. But that night, although we got on like a house on fire, she told me she had a boyfriend and she wasn’t interested. Hence – I was now incel by proxy. And, the argument could be made that love-shys don’t want to be in their situation so that in turn makes them ‘involuntarily celibate’ by proxy too. I’ve also asked girls to dance at school dances – all of 14 one time – and they all turned me down!
Things began to improve a little in my 30s….I discovered online forums where there were people going through the same thing I was going through. I got some steadier employment. I took up writing again. I discovered alternative sexuality shops in a cosmopolitan city a few hours from where I live. But, as they say….at the end of the day, it’s hard to fill the gap of incel.
I have been told I'm a handsome man, even though I believe I'm not. Aspergers while cannot be cured, can certainly be modified. But, sometimes I do think my situation is hopeless. No matter how or what I try (socially, sexually and professionally), I always seem to end up right back where I started. Sometimes I think 'What's the point?'. Will I die with my assigned socio-economic status.
There were lots of times where I'd see an attractive girl in the bar, wishing I could strike up conversation (or 'run game') with her but simply froze and/or did not know how to. This has affected my life greatly and the quality of life I have. A lot of pent-up, repressed sexual energy. I emailed Roosh once to see if he had any pointers even on just how to talk to women as friends and relate to them as people, then escalate of course. I didn't receive a response but it's totally understandable (with his busy schedule). Still love you Roosh and the work that you do, I'm still a fan!
Right now, I am open to working on my game, to bettering myself. I am currently making plans to get out of my small town and move to a larger city where not just sexual opportunities are more abound, but professional ones as well.
Anyway, that's me, my predicament and my situation in a nutshell! Glad to have found this place and look forward to getting to know all of you online and posting more in the future.
-astrosleuth
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RE: Official introduction thread 
