Post: #1

I'm still struggling too much with this and it's coincidentally sucking any semblance of joy or interest out of all my social interactions. Whenever I start a conversation with random people, my mind starts to go all over the place.

All these things happen simultaneously when I start a conversation:

-I start to try to employ the triangle eye contact rule so that I don't maintain eye contact to long, but I also consciously count the seconds in my head I focus on each part of the face. I then start to feel like they see my eyes moving frantically and then I start focusing on not moving my eyes, then I start feeling anxious about that and my eyes start jumping around more.

-I listen intently to the other person, frantically searching for something in my life that I can mention that relates to what they say or searching for an interesting question I can ask about what they told me.



-I'll think intently about my body posture and start alternating between crossing my arms and shifting around

-I'll try to track the length of the conversation and then I'll start to wonder if the person is getting tired of talking to me or if we've been talking to long

Post: #2

To learn how to become habitually mindful (i.e. your attention singularly focused on the moment) you should meditate.

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Once you learn how to stop thinking in quiet solitude you'll have an easier time doing the same in social situations.

Post: #3

When you engage in conversation with a stranger you never know where it will go.

Most of the time we're really not listening, we're just waiting for our turn to talk.

Instead I would suggest trying to be as present to them as you can.

The more you can be present to them, the more you'll know what to say (instinctively) and you'll also know when they are ready for you to talk and when they are ready to end the conversation.

They will also sense you really are being present to them and they will appreciate you more for that.

None of this is a guarantee you will enjoy talking to strangers, but it may help your performance and anxiety in interacting with them

Post: #4

What do you mean by "being present"?

Post: #5

(05-08-2016 08:17 PM)rapaz12 Wrote:  What do you mean by "being present"?

It's hard to describe. It's looking at and listening to a person in a different way than you normally do. You do it without thinking about yourself, your questions, your concerns. Your whole being is focused on trying to enter into and understand their reality. Who they are and what they are really trying to communicate.

It may sound odd, but we normally don't do any of the above when we talk to people. We are usually just thinking about how what they are saying concerns us, and of course waiting for it to be over so we can talk. Maybe seeing yourself doing that is the first step. Kind of sounds like you're already getting there.

Anyways, give it a try. It takes some practice. Once you do it, you'll know it. You might find it to be an uncanny feeling at first and kind of draining of your energy.

I don't always do this myself in typical conversation. Much of the time I'm on auto-pilot like everyone else, but if I decide I want to be present to someone I can turn it on.

Post: #6

Read the Charisma Myth. You'll gain lots of little tricks for drawing yourself back into the moment. It's rooted in REBT and most tricks based on pretty much clear-cut scientific studies about human interaction.

I think your main problem is a lack of inner confidence. I've experienced these symptoms at times myself, and I'm sure many others have as well, but the thing is this - it's hard to calm your behavior if you can't calm your mind. As the author points out, most of our body language is subconscious, so your subconscious feelings and anxiety will unfortunately be communicated through your actions.

If you're having troubles focusing and not being too self-conscious, it is likely being picked up on at least on the subconscious level by the people you talk with and deteriorating the dynamic. Take a breath - try not to let that freak you out even more. We all start out as amateurs, and the sooner you let go of the shame of it, the sooner you get to the other side.

No one expects a perfect performance from you.

But you cannot fake your way out of this because there are far too many variables to control, many of which are far from as obvious as the stuff you're noticing. So instead focus on the only variable that really counts - gain control over the inner game aspect, improve how you feel, and the rest will work itself out on its own.

The book ought to give you a solid primer on how to accomplish these things.

Beyond All Seas

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe.
To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it, you'll be lonely often, and sometimes
frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." - Kipling

Post: #7

Only pay attention to half the things being said then assume the other half is lies. Find something that you'd like to talk about then speak up.

I don't listen to almost nobody cause I'm burned out on that front so I ask the questions I need to know afterwards and most won't remember giving the answers a second ago.

It's like scanning reading material with speech.

Post: #8

The way I got over that is to consciously pay attention to keywords in her sentences and continue the conversation using that word. For example she says "I work at a yoga studio", keyword there is yoga, so talk about your yoga experience or talk about how you read an article recently about a new form of yoga called rage yoga where you do yoga while listening to heavy metal and drinking beer (which is actually true).

The trick is not to dwell in your mind but to consciously listen and pay attention to keywords

Bad response:
Her: "I work in a yoga studio"
You: "Do you like your job?"
Her: "No not really, i just count the hours until I'm off"
-- bad conversation already

Good response:
Her: "I work in a yoga studio"
You: "You know I read an article recently about this new form of yoga called rage yoga, where you drink and listen to heavy metal in class"
Her: "Wow thats crazy etc.. I'm not much of a drinker myself"
-- leads to good conversation

It's mostly tuning out of your own mind of what to say and really listening to her and searching for keywords.

Post: #9

stop thinking so much.

-> focus on being in the moment, start to ask the person questions that pop up in your mind!

it is all about practise. we've all been there. the thing that helped me the most was to expose myself to new people every day, just do it. don't slack.

eventually, you will start to have your first positive reactions/interactions. ones that go really REALLY well...

those moments build up on themselves and from then on it's just about how much time you invest to get better.

Post: #10

rapaz12, it sounds as if you may be caring too much. Try not ascribe too much value to any one interaction. And it does sound like mediation would do you good. It really helps to calm the mind down. But your mind can also be your ally if you've trained it through repetition and game. It will often whisper to you what's best to say. It's that masculine voice in you that gets drowned out by all the noise and has a "take it or leave it" positive attitude. Listen to that voice, not the others.

Post: #11

This sounds weird but you handle overthinking by just not doing it and to do that you need confidence, confidence in what you know, what you can do and confidence in the knowledge that at the end of the day you're still going to be you after the interaction.

Post: #12

This sounds a bit odd, but I stay in the moment by reminding myself to take off my "Social Hat."

Anytime an introvert tries (key word: "tries") to replicate an extrovert in social situations, he does exactly what you're doing. You're thinking about what's going on, what to say, and you're evaluating every single aspect of every single interaction. Say nothing for the fact that you're doing all of this while playing an extroverted role....

That's a lot of multi-tasking. Multi-tasking is doing a bunch of different things at once, poorly.

^ I'm not making fun. I did this exact same thing until very recently.

Now I say the following to myself before I go to a party or an event: "No place I'd rather be, no people I'd rather see, and no social hat for me."

"No place I'd rather be, no people I'd rather see," is something from Danger and Play. I'm here at this party, event, meeting, or whatever, and I'm going to enjoy it.

"...and no social hat for me." I'm not going to try so damn hard to be someone I'm not personality-wise.

So, I let the socialization come to me. I don't stress about any of the million little things (said and unsaid) that make up an interaction while conversing because I'm not trying. Again, this might seem odd, but it works.

I'm convinced that introverts can cancel out good qualities (looking good, having dope style, having good stories to tell) by trying to play an extroverted role. We're so conditioned to be that extroverted person that we naturally go into "social mode" when we're at an event. Whether people can explain why or not, they'll just thing that something's a bit "off" about you.

Remind yourself to take off your social hat and I bet you'll have better interactions.