Post: #251

I had some bad Chinese food today. Oh well...you Dim Sum and you lose some.

Post: #252

A guy believed that his wife is cheating on him, so he hired a private investigator.

The cheapest he could find was a Chinese man. This was the Chinese PI's report about what he found:

"Most honorable, sir. You leave house. I watch house. He come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall out tree. I not see. No fee.

Cheng Lee."

Post: #253

A Jewish boy asks his father for $50. The father replies, "$40, what do you need $30 for?"

Post: #254

(11-22-2017 11:20 PM)Off The Reservation Wrote:  A Jewish boy asks his father for $50. The father replies, "$40, what do you need $30 for?"

But dad, it's only $60, what's the big deal?

Post: #255

A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow." I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says, "One".
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65 ".
The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

Post: #256

You know you"re Taliban if...

You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

You own a 3000 quid machine gun and 5000 quid rocket launcher, but you can"t afford shoes.

You have more wives than teeth.

You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

You can"t think of anyone you HAVEN"T declared Jihad against.

You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

You"ve often uttered the phrase, "I love what you"ve done with your cave."

You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

You"ve ever had a crush on your neighbour"s goat.

Post: #257

A man is walking down the beach and finds a lamp in the sand. When he rubs the lamp, a genie pops out and offers him three wishes. "But," the genie tells the man, "there is a price. Whatever you get, whatever you wish for, your ex wife gets double.

The man says "I'd like a red Ferrari."
Bam, a red Ferrari appears right there. "And as I said, I have given your ex-wife two Ferraris," says the genie.
The man says, "I'd like a million dollars."
Bam, a million dollars in unmarked bills appears in front of the man. "And as I said, I have now given your ex-wife two million dollars," says the genie. "You have one wish left. What will it be?"

The man thinks about it for a moment.

Then he looks at the genie and says "Genie, I want to be beaten half to death."

God save us from people who mean well. -storm

Post: #258

What happened to the lesbian chicken when she tried to eat out the other chicken?

She wound up with egg on her face.

Post: #259

(11-22-2017 11:20 PM)Off The Reservation Wrote:  A Jewish boy asks his father for $50. The father replies, "$40, what do you need $30 for?"

-Why are Jewish men circumcised?
-Because a Jewish womam wouldn't take into her hands anything that is not at least 30% off!

Post: #260

Did you hear about the gay guy that got fired from his job?

He worked at a sperm bank, and was apparently drinking on the job.

Post: #261

Did you hear what the gay guy fed his horse?

Haaayyyyy

Aloha!

Post: #262

Spotted this gem on a YouTube comment today:

These two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it'd be like winning the lottery. To my horror, it was - we had six matching balls.

Post: #263

Why are there no Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?

Because they don't work in the future, either.

Post: #264

(11-27-2017 02:56 AM)Paracelsus Wrote:  A man is walking down the beach and finds a lamp in the sand. When he rubs the lamp, a genie pops out and offers him three wishes. "But," the genie tells the man, "there is a price. Whatever you get, whatever you wish for, your ex wife gets double.

The man says "I'd like a red Ferrari."
Bam, a red Ferrari appears right there. "And as I said, I have given your ex-wife two Ferraris," says the genie.
The man says, "I'd like a million dollars."
Bam, a million dollars in unmarked bills appears in front of the man. "And as I said, I have now given your ex-wife two million dollars," says the genie. "You have one wish left. What will it be?"

The man thinks about it for a moment.

Then he looks at the genie and says "Genie, I want to be beaten half to death."

I've heard the same joke but with a slightly different punchline.

"Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."

G

Post: #265

(11-29-2017 10:27 PM)Geomann180 Wrote:  

(11-27-2017 02:56 AM)Paracelsus Wrote:  A man is walking down the beach and finds a lamp in the sand. When he rubs the lamp, a genie pops out and offers him three wishes. "But," the genie tells the man, "there is a price. Whatever you get, whatever you wish for, your ex wife gets double.

The man says "I'd like a red Ferrari."
Bam, a red Ferrari appears right there. "And as I said, I have given your ex-wife two Ferraris," says the genie.
The man says, "I'd like a million dollars."
Bam, a million dollars in unmarked bills appears in front of the man. "And as I said, I have now given your ex-wife two million dollars," says the genie. "You have one wish left. What will it be?"

The man thinks about it for a moment.

Then he looks at the genie and says "Genie, I want to be beaten half to death."

I've heard the same joke but with a slightly different punchline.

"Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."

G

Time for a modern twist.

A man is walking down the beach and finds a lamp in the sand. When he rubs the lamp, a genie pops out and offers him three wishes. "But," the genie tells the man, "there is a price. Whatever you get, whatever you wish for, your ex wife gets double.

The man says "I'd like a job that pays 5 million dollars a year with a contract that guarantees a minimum of 30 years of employment."
The man immediately gets a call on his phone and is offered the CFO position at Yahoo.

A helicopter arrives within moments and a HR rep and Yahoo's CEO join him for a quick contract signing.

After they depart, the genie informs the man that his wife has been hired as CTO of Google and will be earning $10 million dollars a year.

Then the genie asks him for his second wish. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "I'd like a million dollars."

Bam, a million dollars in unmarked bills appears in front of the man. "And as I said, I have now given your ex-wife two million dollars," says the genie. "You have one wish left. What will it be?"

Then he looks at the genie and says "Genie, I want to remarry my ex-wife."

"You've got it," says the genie.

A series of helicopters arrive, bringing a justice of the peace, witnesses and the man's ex-wife.

They marriage ceremony is quickly performed and the two are rejoined in holy matrimony.

Just as the man and his newly remarried wife are about to depart to start their new life together...again...the man says, "Hold on one second."

He calls up the CEO's office at Yahoo and informs the CEO that he is quitting his job.

Then he turns to his wife and says, "I want a divorce."

Post: #266

A guy suspects that his wife is cheating on him, and he wants to know whether his wife's whether she is or not, but he can't afford CCTV cameras or that stuff. A friend then mentions that there's a very intelligent parrot that's for sale at the local pet store which might be able to help.

The guy's a bit skeptical that he'd be able to afford a parrot if he can't afford CCTV gear, but he goes down to the pet store. Sure enough, there's the parrot on the perch, but to the man's surprise it doesn't have any legs. It's sitting there taped to the perch.

He asks the owner of the store about this. "Yeah," says the owner of the store, "that's why I have to sell him so cheap. But he's otherwise completely healthy, he doesn't mind being up there or nothing. He's a very bright bird, too, doesn't just repeat things, you ask him a question and he'll answer it, and he doesn't forget what he sees. Go on, ask him something."
The guy feels a bit self-conscious, but walks up to the parrot and asks "What colour jeans am I wearing?"
"BLUE JEANS, BLUE JEANS," squawks the parrot.
"Wow," says the man. "Okay, ah, how many people came in the store today?"
"TWENTY-TWO, TWENTY-TWO," squawks the parrot.
The store owner nods. "You're the 22nd guy who came in today."

The guy is elated and hands over his money and takes the parrot home. His wife coos and fawns over the parrot, so all seems to be going well. The guy leaves the parrot on its perch in the lounge room of the house when he goes to work the next day, leaving the wife at home.

When he gets home that night, the guy waits until his wife's out of the house for a while, and then goes up to the parrot. "All right, parrot, so tell me, what happened this morning?"
"MAILMAN CAME, MAILMAN CAME," squawks the parrot.
The guy's face darkens. "Then what happened?"
"MAILMAN LEFT, MAILMAN LEFT," squawks the parrot.
"So it's not the mailman," says the guy. "All right, what happened next?"
"MILKMAN CAME, MILKMAN CAME," squawks the parrot.
The guy frowns again. "And then what happened?"
"MILKMAN LEFT, MILKMAN LEFT," squawks the parrot.
The guy shakes his head. "All right, all right. Then what happened?"
The parrot squawks, "SALESMAN CAME, SALESMAN CAME."
The guy is getting a bit frustrated. "And?"
"CAME IN HOUSE, CAME IN HOUSE," squawks the parrot.
"...then what?"
"WALKED IN HERE, WALKED IN HERE," squawks the parrot.
"And then what?"
"TOOK OFF CLOTHES, TOOK OFF CLOTHES," squawks the parrot.
The guy feels his heart rate rising. "And then what? What about my wife?"
"WIFE TOOK OFF CLOTHES, WIFE TOOK OFF CLOTHES," squawks the parrot.
"Then what happened?" shouts the guy. He's sweating, wringing his hands. "Tell me what happened next, you stupid fucking bird!"
"GOT A CHUBBY, FELL OFF PERCH."

God save us from people who mean well. -storm

Post: #267

A guy comes home to find his wife packing her suitcase. He says "Honey! What's wrong??".

She says "I'm leaving you! I just found out you're a PEDOPHILE!"

Guy says "Pedophile?! That's an awfully big word for a six year old..."

(02-27-2016 08:49 AM)Requiem Wrote:  

(02-27-2016 06:30 AM)Suits Wrote:  

(02-26-2016 09:18 PM)Fitzgerald Wrote:  How do you make a 5 year old cry twice?



Wipe your bloody penis on his teddy bear.

That's probably the worst thing I've ever read.

Challenge accepted:

What's the difference between a burger and a dead baby? You don't fuck the burger before you eat it.

Hitler meets Eichmann in heaven. Hitler says "Eichmann! Good to see you. But why didn't you say something, I could have baked you a kike."

How do you make a gay man fuck a woman? Shit in her cunt.


Top that, motherfuckers.

Post: #268

(11-29-2017 11:26 PM)The Father Wrote:  A guy comes home to find his wife packing her suitcase. He says "Honey! What's wrong??".

She says "I'm leaving you! I just found out you're a PEDOPHILE!"

Guy says "Pedophile?! That's an awfully big word for a six year old..."

Guys, we're not supposed to make jokes about Mohammed.

G

Post: #269

Post: #270

From Tokyo Joe

(05-21-2015 02:01 PM)Tokyo Joe Wrote:  Gents: I'm bumping this hoary thread to share my own amputee story.

This is some fifteen years ago in the States, at a time when I did a bit of online gaming on one of the dating sites that was big then. One day I matched with a 21-year-old stunner. From the pics, easily an 8 if not a 9 -- smooth pink skin, long auburn hair, bright green eyes, bursting (strangely muscular) rack. And surprisingly, she had quite a decent personality. We set up a date to chill out at a bar I knew with good live music, but the only hitch was that I had to pick her up at her place: On this point she was insistent.

Saturday night rolls around and I drive over, knock at the door. Her father -- a rather imposing figure with a military bearing -- answers and lets me in.

"Wait here. I'll go upstairs and get Jennifer."

A minute later the father comes walking down the stairs carrying his daughter in his arms. Fuuuuuck! She has *no legs.* I'd find out later that she lost them both in a childhood accident.

Half tempted to turn and just walk out, I somehow maintained my composure and decided right then to do the decent human thing. Dad hands her over to me, I carry her out to the car, and go ahead with the date just as planned. We actually had a damn good time once I got used to the whole situation! But -- from the beginning I decided I wasn't going to go for the bang. It was just too damn weird to get my mind around: Fucking a chick with no legs?

The night wears on and it's time to go. I carry her back out to the car, buckle her in to the passenger seat, and set out for her house. A few miles out from her town, on a quiet unlit stretch of rural road, she suddenly breaks the silence: "Please stop. Stop right here."

I pull the car onto the shoulder of the road. Puzzled, I turn to face her.

"I want you to fuck me," she says flatly.

Stammering, I try to reply but she cuts me off. "Look, I don't get out much. And you're a great guy. I really would like you to fuck me now. Please."

From my face she must have read the confusion about exactly the best way to go about this. She pointed to an oak tree beside the car. At a height just a bit higher than my shoulders, a thick branch extended out from the trunk, parallel to the ground. Whoa, this just might work, I thought...

And indeed it did! She grasped the branch with both her arms (which were very muscular) and dangled there; I stood straight and it was perfect a match for insertion. I grabbed her hips and swung her back and forth, in and out, ... It was actually wild. Unfortunately I couldn't finish in her mouth, but I pulled out and shot a huge wad into the dirt at the base of the tree.

We cleaned up and I drove her the rest of the way home. Her father was waiting. When I handed her over in the living room, he said, "Wait here."

Oh shit... does he suspect something? This man could tear my scrawny body limb from limb. The two sides of the fight/flight instinct perfectly cancelled each other out and I froze, while he carried his daughter upstairs to her room and then returned.

"Thanks for bringing her home," he says.

"Whaaa, waa, well of cour..," I'm just stammering. I can't get the words out to express my mind: What the hell do you mean? Naturally I'd bring her home!

He interjects: "Most guys just leave her hanging from the tree."

Post: #271

A Marine sniper is in Iraq and at the end of every day, he reports his final round count and kill count to the Colonel.

It's Sunday evening.

Marine: Sir, 6 terrorists spotted, 6 bullets fired, 6 dead terrorists.

Colonel: Good job, keep up the good work

It's Monday evening.

Marine: Sir, 9 terrorists spotted, 8 bullets fired, 9 terrorists killed.

Colonel: Heavens, how did you manage the two for one?

Marine: Two of them were eiffel towering a goat and lined up just right, sir.

Colonel: [laughs] Good job, Kyle. See you tomorrow.

It's Tuesday evening.

Marine: Sir, one terrorist spotted, zero bullets fired, zero terrorists killed.

Colonel: What the hell happened?

Marine: Well sir, I spotted him not too far away from me. I was lining up my shot when he spotted me by chance and ducked for cover as I was about to pull the trigger. Thinking on my feet to get him out of hiding I yelled, "Hey Fuck Osama Bin Laden!" He yelled back "Fuck your Hillary Clinton!".

I couldn't shoot him, sir.

I couldn't shoot a fellow Republican.

G

Post: #272

A man is walking along one day and finds a lamp lying hidden away in the bole of a tree. When he rubs the lamp, a genie pops out and says "Yeah, I'm a genie, three wishes and all that, but here's the catch, you have to whisper them in my ear."

So the guy whispers his three wishes into the genie's ear.

"Done," says the genie. "Go home and you will find it will all be accomplished for you."

So the guy walks home, and it's getting on towards evening now. He gets to his house, and opens the front door. A massive pile of cash is sitting in the front room. The man smiles "Holy cow, my first wish was granted!"

Then he hears a noise from the other room. An 18 year old girl with natural double-D tits and an ass you could bounce quarters off walks into the room, smiles, and says "How about we go upstairs and fuck after you've counted your money?"
"Wow, my second wish came true!" says the guy.

Suddenly there's all this noise outside. Cars are driving up, there are people shouting. A sudden flare of light goes up in the front yard: someone has put a burning cross up on the lawn.

The front door crashes open. Five or six men in white hoods and robes muscle their way into the room. One of them walks up to the guy and asks: "You the one who wanted to be hung like a nigger?"

God save us from people who mean well. -storm

Post: #273

Here's a joke and a fact that could be in Encyclopedia Dramatica for Islam:

When you become AN HERO in Islam, you get virgins!

Post: #274

Sad news today. After years of medical training and hard work, a mate of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients so can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time and effort. A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet.

Post: #275

Eastern Europe is the only part of the world where they have an entire country just for the untidy people.