Post: #176

(02-07-2017 02:45 PM)ksbms Wrote:  So Valentine's coming... and I'm single and no prospects (though been trying hard) and that makes me sad. And have irrational thoughts of re-contacting my ex. Even though I know she's seeing a new guy. What's the point, then? At best, I'd be politely told to go away. I guess it makes me angry that pretty girls have it so easy...

In my hometown in the Deep South, the weekend before valentine's day is when you can pick up top tier girls who realized they were too busy shitting on men to grab one for valentine's day. I'm not sure about the situation where you are, but definitely give it a try this weekend. Nothing to get your mind off one woman like another.

Post: #177

(02-07-2017 02:56 PM)YoungBlade Wrote:  

(02-07-2017 02:45 PM)ksbms Wrote:  So Valentine's coming... and I'm single and no prospects (though been trying hard) and that makes me sad. And have irrational thoughts of re-contacting my ex. Even though I know she's seeing a new guy. What's the point, then? At best, I'd be politely told to go away. I guess it makes me angry that pretty girls have it so easy...

In my hometown in the Deep South, the weekend before valentine's day is when you can pick up top tier girls who realized they were too busy shitting on men to grab one for valentine's day. I'm not sure about the situation where you are, but definitely give it a try this weekend. Nothing to get your mind off one woman like another.

ksbms - I would be out in every bar, lounge, hotel bar, etc in your city over the next week or so. This is the time to go on the hunt, girls are all over the dating apps right now too. This is when their usage peaks. Its probably the easiest time of year. Dont contact her, and relish the fact you are alone and can do whatever you want. Whats worse, being with a bitch on Valentines Day who criticizes your gift and everything you have done, or being on your own, doing whatever you want?

Post: #178

Women are applying massive pressure on one another too and there is a huge marketing angle by companies during the lead up.
Get on the Valentines Day bandwagon!

I had a second date with a flakey chick 2 weeks back. Toward the later part of the evening she said she felt ill and made excuses that she should leave and shouldn't kiss me as 'she didn't want to give it to me' (Hamstering). I thought it could be BS but was polite and played along, however I decided to stay out as I had run into friends and didn't feel the need to cut my night short because she wanted to leave.
The following day I didn't contact her to see if she was okay. I didn't bother contacting her for another date either. It wasn't that great but I was still evaluating whether I would continue to pursue it.

I am so glad I didn't bother. I fired up Bumble (like Tinder) and got two new dates with women 3 and 7 years younger than her.
MUCH BETTER!

Don't look back gentlemen.

Post: #179

Its been a while since I had oneitis, but I do. Think it's because the sex was great. Long story short, we've been fucking around for the last month or so while her man was locked up. She bailed him out, stayed with him for a coupke weeks than came back to me for that "good D" as she so elequently puts it. I kept selling her the relationship dream to keep her around. Her ex found out about me and sweet talked her to going back to him. She texted me the other day playing dumb about it when I called her out on it (an amatuer move on my part I know) but now having thoughts of hitting her back to see "how things are going with her". I went to the mall the other day and got a solid lead but until I seal the deal with this new plate I know the oneitis is not going to go away. If anyone wants to remind me how vile these chicks are, i'm all ears.

Post: #180

(02-15-2017 04:33 PM)S3K2 Wrote:  Its been a while since I had oneitis, but I do. Think it's because the sex was great. Long story short, we've been fucking around for the last month or so while her man was locked up. She bailed him out, stayed with him for a coupke weeks than came back to me for that "good D" as she so elequently puts it. I kept selling her the relationship dream to keep her around. Her ex found out about me and sweet talked her to going back to him. She texted me the other day playing dumb about it when I called her out on it (an amatuer move on my part I know) but now having thoughts of hitting her back to see "how things are going with her". I went to the mall the other day and got a solid lead but until I seal the deal with this new plate I know the oneitis is not going to go away. If anyone wants to remind me how vile these chicks are, i'm all ears.

Pay attention to what she DOES, not what she SAYS.

She went back to her ex after she told you had the "good D". That should be all you need to know.

Go No Contact with her immediately.

Post: #181

Thx for the feedback bro, appreciate it. No matter what level your games at, we all have weak monents.

Post: #182

I want to call my ex, but I wont. Its been 6 months since she broke up with me, after I attempted to break up with her a few times. We were really close for a year, then, we are not. I initiated no contact. She said it was over, but I know if I called or texted she would pick up, just like before. She never shut me out completely, I walked away. Part of me thinks that I did this no contact to try and get her back, as if walking away cold would "raise her interest level." When I found out about how all of her exes were such good "friends", I threw up a little and told myself I would never become a pathetic orbiter. And so I haven't contacted her. But its just weird to have so much life experience with someone, then, its completely gone. I guess this is what I am having a hard to dealing with the most.

Post: #183

(02-16-2017 11:20 PM)Vaun Wrote:  I want to call my ex, but I wont. Its been 6 months since she broke up with me, after I attempted to break up with her a few times. We were really close for a year, then, we are not. I initiated no contact. She said it was over, but I know if I called or texted she would pick up, just like before. She never shut me out completely, I walked away. Part of me thinks that I did this no contact to try and get her back, as if walking away cold would "raise her interest level." When I found out about how all of her exes were such good "friends", I threw up a little and told myself I would never become a pathetic orbiter. And so I haven't contacted her. But its just weird to have so much life experience with someone, then, its completely gone. I guess this is what I am having a hard to dealing with the most.

It's weird isn't it? For a period of time, they are one of the most important things in your life, and now, they don't even exist.

I still think of mine from time to time and foolishly lament on some of the what ifs. We have to somehow remind ourselves that it's a waste of time though and it it serves nothing but to weaken our minds, our resolve, and keep us trapped in the past.

Post: #184

(01-30-2017 02:52 PM)Ringo Wrote:  

(01-30-2017 09:45 AM)ksbms Wrote:  Yup. It's called fading affect bias. The good stuff lingers in your mind, the bad dissolves into the ether. And you don't want to think what dirty stuff she's been up to since you've broken up.

But we shouldn't be too hard on ourselves - we're only humans, after all, not emotionless machines. There's never perfect information available so you can't tell if getting back necessarily would make it worse. Personal experience and circumstantial evidence points for the worse long-term, though.

What screws with my head is: while my gut tells me to consider getting back with her, I really believe jariel's rule for ex's exists for a reason. As I said, I've been sucked back into a relationship before.

So, what do you do?

Follow the gut, at the overwhelming risk of being disappointed and digging an even deeper hole from which you'll have to get out of?

Or do you follow a personal rule, created for a reason, at the cost of having your instincts constantly nag you?

I've no plan on breaking and going back but the above is often on my mind.

You've got it reversed. It's your brain, not your gut, nagging you to get back with her. Your gut knows its wrong.

Post: #185

Thought I'd contribute a bit to this thread. My ex was a stage-5 clinger. I tried to read her the riot act on this behavior in order to tamp it down but it didn't work and after a few breakup/makeups it got to the point where I actually had to threaten her with a restraining order to get her to stop texting me.

Anyway, I met her on Match and by that point I had blocked her on Match so I'd never see her again. I got a msg from a woman on POF so I started hanging out there again and as I was browsing around, guess who shows up? My ex.

Unfortunately POF doesn't have a block feature unless you've at least messaged back and forth once, so that means my ex can probably see me and read my post-breakup profile just as much as I her.

This is a cautionary tale to those who use online dating. There's a limited pool of available singles in your demographic. If you start working your way through them you're going to wind up seeing some familiar faces circulating around. It's almost like dating a coworker or someone in your hometown where you're going to wind up bumping into them due to proximity.

Post: #186

(02-16-2017 11:20 PM)Vaun Wrote:  But its just weird to have so much life experience with someone, then, its completely gone. I guess this is what I am having a hard to dealing with the most.

(02-17-2017 12:35 AM)BetaNoMore Wrote:  It's weird isn't it? For a period of time, they are one of the most important things in your life, and now, they don't even exist.

This is one of the most difficult things to see past that lingers on - getting over the memories and sort of life you built/started to build together.

It's important to remember that your ex does not define you or complete your life. They were a part of your life for a period of time and now they've moved back out of it. It's always been you. Who you are, what you do, and where you are going is not dependent on someone else.

Look out for #1 always.

It takes time but eventually you will appreciate the experiences you had with exes as just that: things you did in the past. They were cool/fun/memorable and you will create plenty more.

Post: #187

I've come to think of relationships like following a serial TV show like Breaking Bad. The commonality is you're investing your attention across a steady span of time. There was a reason you tuned-in and a reason you tuned-out, after which the story continues without you and vice-versa.

Post: #188

Between all this shit, the thing that still bothers me the most is how you would dare to degrade Marshal Stalin, the great leader of the Soviet Union, to a mere general? Who you think you are? - the Central Committee???

Post: #189

I just cut off relationship with a girl I really liked. It's 4 am here and I am just slightly sad. In fact, I am motivated to work out for some reason right now. Will hit the gym in 2 hours.

Regarding this girl:
Met her at the "Ganesh festival" here on sept 10 or 11 (don't remember). Liked her from the very beginning. It was a festival mood so it took me some time to isolate and game her but I eventually got her number. For some reason we just "clicked" just like that.

We had a really great time these past 6 months. We went on a few NE India tours, just the both of us. Enjoyed a lot. Felt like I'm truly free and happy in my life.

I would be lying if I said that our relationship was perfect. She did create a huge drama atleast once a week. I have to next her constantly. But it was fine and always worked out in the end.

She is a 4th year b.tech (final year undergraduate) student. She somehow secured a foreign job in USA just a few weeks ago. She'll be leaving in a few months. So, I had no other option other than to break up with her. I just broke up with her 6 hours ago. We didn't quarrel or anything like that. I just called it off and she started crying like I have never seen before (had to calm her down and give her a sleeping pill). Now, she's sleeping beside me as I'm typing this post. Damn, I love her hair! I like how it's spread out .

First thing I wanted to do tomorrow morning is to take her out and make sure that she's okay with it. She's currently in a tight spot in her life (exams , project and mentally preparing for her future job). I don't want to be the bad guy here. I have to absolutely convince her that it's not going to work in any way and that you have to make some hard sacrifices to succeed in life. It's a pretty tough job and I am already exhausted because I didn't sleep.

The most important reason why I like her is because she's a hardworker, just like me. Her parents are literal sociopaths. She told me that they were emotionally distant during all of her childhood and that it fucked her up right after she entered college. She had to get her shit together and solve her problems one by one. I respect her for not taking the easy path and become an attention whore in college.

I am not like sad or something right now. Fuck, I didn't even feel anything after I broke up with her. All I'm thinking right now is about the trading setups in the gold chart and how I could make money off it after the market opens on monday. No I am not a crazy guy. Maybe after all these years of breaking up with women, it somehow became a 'natural' task.

Ignore this post guys. I just want to get this off my chest. It's 4:30 am and all of my close friends are asleep so I'm posting it here.

Post: #190

Broke down today, after seeing my ex had made a whole WEBSITE for herself.

Unblocked her on FB, sent some bs message. Was blocked pretty much immediately.

I have issues.

Post: #191

(02-21-2017 07:23 PM)MaceTyrell Wrote:  Broke down today, after seeing my ex had made a whole WEBSITE for herself.

Unblocked her on FB, sent some bs message. Was blocked pretty much immediately.

I have issues.

III. Commandment

You shall make your mission, not your woman, your priority.

[...] Despite whatever protestations to the contrary, women do not want to be “The One” or the center of a man’s existence. They in fact want to subordinate themselves to a worthy man’s life purpose, to help him achieve that purpose with their feminine support, and to follow the path he lays out. You must respect a woman’s integrity and not lie to her that she is “your everything”. She is not your everything, and if she is, she will soon not be anymore.

What are the issues? I don't know. Perhaps it's got something to do with how you reference your self-esteem. If you base too much of your self-worth on how women treat you, you'll be always exposed to their capricious, inscrutable, whimsical decisions and behaviours (which they themselves often would have a hard time to explain).

The more external self-esteem and self-wroth is, the easier it is to unbalance the man. The more internal it is, the more difficult it is, in male-female relations, for any given woman, be it a girl you had a one night stand with or a long term relationship, to unbalance a man in any way because your value, as a man, is or will be, in a significant proportion, built-on your mission in life, whatever it is you decide to make your mission(s).

Undeniably, an important part of being a man is to have women in his life. But no woman should have a special status, of being the 'one', being your everything. The less you will care about any particular woman, the more indifferent you will be, the more she will care. Hence, once more, Heartiste's wisdom:

They in fact want to subordinate themselves to a worthy man’s life purpose. [...] She is not your everything, and if she is, she will soon not be anymore.

I, clearly, was guilty of that (and still am to an extent), of putting to much of my self-worth on how girls perceived me and treated me. That's one of key hindrance why most men never approach women they've never been introduced to because they'd take it too personal, got bruised all over their bodies. to strip it down, to let yourself exposed to your bare bones, can be only possible if no particular woman becomes the 'one'. Re-orienting your self-worth on valuable mission will ease the pressure to have women validate you.

So, what you should do now? If you can, take a few days to go on holidays to another city, another country if you can. Reset your mind. Make a good short-term plan regarding your mission, whatever it is, and stick to it. Spend as much time on it and other activities so that particular girl is out of your mind. And if opportunity presents itself, talk to other girls. Eventually, you'll find a better one even though you don't believe it. Yet, it is true.

Post: #192

Self-esteem issues GALORE. I'm unpacking them now.

I do base much of my self esteem on how women treat me.

Part of what I think is bothering me is that I did secure two new notches over the past 30 days - both of whom, after telling me about their lives, are some of the silliest women I've dealt with. Or rather, the older I (and women) get, the more silliness they seem to dabble in and accept. That made me miss my 2016-TR, as she's actually a grounded, put together person. Hell, she has her shit together better than I do, despite being 3 years my junior.

Post: #193

Not specifically on-topic but very related - I realize as more times goes on from my last serious relationship I've had, the more detached and distant I get from those memories and feelings I had about recuperating from lost love.

While I can still offer actionable advice, I feel like I can not as easily relate to folks feeling the anxiety, desperation, and emptiness of a fresh break up as I could when it was more recent history for me. It's been so long since I let myself get very close and attached to a woman that hurt me.

I feel I am better for it as I am still able to form great relationships with women. To that I would say just based on my personal experiences, I would recommend anyone in this thread sweating over a recent breakup - get out and spend a year hooking up with women and forming relatively emotionally detached relationships with them. It will help to desensitize you a bit to the trappings of being a "serial monogamist" or any other habits of becoming quickly and deeply attached to a particular female.

Post: #194

There's a direct correlation between the number of women I've banged (current prospects and contemporary girls) and the fucks I give about past flings and relationships. Can be tough to move on when you genuinely liked a chick and wish she was still in your life- but the key is to get back out there and build an abundance mentality. I've tried to limit the number of 'restart' texts I'll send to old plates or leads. Primarily occurs when I'm horny or genuinely want a sense of where the interaction stands (blame my libido and ego). Not only do most of these go nowhere (even if she does respond)- I've found it's just better to move on entirely.

Post: #195

(02-21-2017 07:23 PM)MaceTyrell Wrote:  Broke down today, after seeing my ex had made a whole WEBSITE for herself.
Unblocked her on FB, sent some bs message. Was blocked pretty much immediately.
I have issues.

Thought experiment:

Imagine if you had a 24-7 camera feed of her walking around, taking dumps, using her vibrator, banging new guys, typing every text, etc... What's it going to add to your life in the end? The time you'd spend watching her live her life like a reality-TV show is time you could have spent living for yourself.

There was a moment in time when you never knew your ex existed, and you didn't care. You need to get to the point where you've boxed up the memories of her so you can get back to that feeling of not caring. She was only worth caring about when she cared about you. Now that she's gone you have to try to pretend she doesn't even exist.

Post: #196

I like this. Thank you.

Post: #197

(02-22-2017 01:54 PM)General Stalin Wrote:  While I can still offer actionable advice, I feel like I can not as easily relate to folks feeling the anxiety, desperation, and emptiness of a fresh break up as I could when it was more recent history for me. It's been so long since I let myself get very close and attached to a woman that hurt me.

I remember those days. Especially how righteously indignant I was after my last ex. I look at some of my posts from back then and I can see that in what I write too, I am trying to help guys with breakups and oneitus and I can obviously not relate at all.

I look at my post on this thread from the last week, and I could care less now. I felt that way even after banging several girls afterward. This past week I read a few good books that put me in a new mindset, and took an honest look back with some help and it wasnt all rainbows and unicorns with her. I could be out banging away this weekend but I am taking the weekend off, and have a whole new pipeline of girls now. I approached this week too a few times a day, plus going to the gym everyday, etc. Its like a compound effect thats all coming together. I actually feel that sexual confidence again to go out and look and approach, that I didnt have before. One part not giving a f&^%, and the other just having fun with it. I have no desire to contact, reminisce or look her up. This shit is over. Now I can move on, and focus more on my life.

Post: #198

(01-22-2017 05:10 PM)ksbms Wrote:  It's been almost a month of NC since the last time me and my ex have spoken on the phone (and nearly 2 months since we've seen each other last time) and I'm getting nostalgic... The fact I didn't get laid since then, doesn't help either but I keep approaching on a daily basis.

It rubs me the wrong way that I try to rationalise it by saying it was me who initiated soft next so I wasn't dumped (however during the last call I asked her to 'think about it' without clearly saying what I meant but it was obvious anyway). Alas, by the time we spoke the last time she said she's been seeing someone else and happy with him which almost certainly means she monkey branched or had a back up guy lined up for weeks...

So I'm staying strong but takes a mental effort to do so.

I think it's time for an update as I'm contemplating my having entered the NC mode.

Full, two months have passed and I've stuck to my resolve, I haven't contacted her (neither she has me). I feel good about it, that I managed to stay strong and preserved my self-respect. I have an intuition that, roughly, two months make a sweet spot, less than that is not enough. By now, I know I will never reach out to her again.

Emotionally, I think I'm not 100% over yet - I do still sometimes think about her, I'm somewhat romantically inclined guy, and harbour timid thoughts she'd reach out to me - it would have felt good to have my ego massaged, to say the least. Not sure what I'd do, if she contacted me, but it shows that I still care.

Perhaps it's got something with the fact that I just don't see as many sexy and good looking girls here, in Scotland, but I keep approaching whenever I can! Seeing around town many as attractive girls and, ideally having banged a sexy, young, pretty girl(s) would've helped a lot to move on and forget about her.

Ironically, being able to hold on to NC without banging a single new girl since we've parted only show's a much stronger, I believe, frame, albeit unintentionally.

I would like to thank all the posters in this thread and everyone who commented on my posts. It did help to share experiences, get insight,and advice to stay strong.

Post: #199

(02-26-2017 10:43 AM)ksbms Wrote:  

(01-22-2017 05:10 PM)ksbms Wrote:  It's been almost a month of NC since the last time me and my ex have spoken on the phone (and nearly 2 months since we've seen each other last time) and I'm getting nostalgic... The fact I didn't get laid since then, doesn't help either but I keep approaching on a daily basis.

It rubs me the wrong way that I try to rationalise it by saying it was me who initiated soft next so I wasn't dumped (however during the last call I asked her to 'think about it' without clearly saying what I meant but it was obvious anyway). Alas, by the time we spoke the last time she said she's been seeing someone else and happy with him which almost certainly means she monkey branched or had a back up guy lined up for weeks...

So I'm staying strong but takes a mental effort to do so.

I think it's time for an update as I'm contemplating my having entered the NC mode.

Full, two months have passed and I've stuck to my resolve, I haven't contacted her (neither she has me). I feel good about it, that I managed to stay strong and preserved my self-respect. I have an intuition that, roughly, two months make a sweet spot, less than that is not enough. By now, I know I will never reach out to her again.

Emotionally, I think I'm not 100% over yet - I do still sometimes think about her, I'm somewhat romantically inclined guy, and harbour timid thoughts she'd reach out to me - it would have felt good to have my ego massaged, to say the least. Not sure what I'd do, if she contacted me, but it shows that I still care.

Perhaps it's got something with the fact that I just don't see as many sexy and good looking girls here, in Scotland, but I keep approaching whenever I can! Seeing around town many as attractive girls and, ideally having banged a sexy, young, pretty girl(s) would've helped a lot to move on and forget about her.

Ironically, being able to hold on to NC without banging a single new girl since we've parted only show's a much stronger, I believe, frame, albeit unintentionally.

I would like to thank all the posters in this thread and everyone who commented on my posts. It did help to share experiences, get insight,and advice to stay strong.

I don't believe in karma or anything of that sort but, for better or worse, the first time we had sex was on... April Fool's Day. Life can be by way of a joke, literally, sometimes. Go figure .

Post: #200

(02-26-2017 04:41 PM)ksbms Wrote:  I don't believe in karma or anything of that sort but, for better or worse, the first time we had sex was on... April Fool's Day. Life can be by way of a joke, literally, sometimes. Go figure .

Good on you for no contact. As long as you hold out, its on her. And if she contacts you, then you own her. She knows this and its why shes staying away. Let her make the first move, then go on and live your life, and focus on recovering. Read books about it. Read Rollo's Rational Male, and there are a few other books out there. The Love Systems break up book was good too, horribly over priced IMHO, but good for the stage you are in.

Also, KSBMS, I think you need to take a trip somewhere warm right now. Maybe Spain, or Miami. Something man. If its money save up for a few months. Whatever it takes. It will help your perspective. Or just get in your car and drive to Manchester.

I saw one of my exes best friends this weekend. Literally bumped into him on the street. I said hi, it was ok. But, I walked away kicking myself for saying anything. Beat myself up a little bit over it, but I was just doing what I normally do. Weird coincidence though, at first I was pissed at myself now I am over it.