Should I get back with my wife after this?
Guys this is will be the biggest decision I have taken in my life and so the background may make this a long post.
I realise you can't tell me what to do, that only I can take this decision, only I can know what I am willing to accept or not and only I live with the consequences.
That said, I would really appreciate your thoughts and advice as there seems to be some wise heads on here and I am surrounded by blue pill thinking family and friends, most of whom think i'm a monster.
For those who dont want to read it all, here it is in a nutshell;
After 10 years of marriage, at a point of intense pressure from other factors, I found out shit from early in our relationship that burst my blue pill bubble.
I lost it and beat my wife up.
After 6 months of of flip flopping between trying to make it work for sake of our kids and emotionally torturing her for putting me in this situation, I finally moved out 6 weeks ago.
I started gaming some girls but the space has cooled things off and i'm deciding whether to go back or not, my kids is the main motivator for this along with the fact that in all other aspects, particularly after finding the redpill and seeing the way women are now, she is actually a good wife with a pretty much redpill outlook on things.
Ill try and give as much detail but also keep it succinct and break it into 5 parts.
The turbulant 1st 3 years
the intervening 12 years
The shitstorm
Red flags
Current thoughts
The turbulant 1st 3 years
I met her through social circle when I was 20, and her 22.
I had only fucked 5 girls prior (and i'm talking 5 singular instances) and was coming off a 18 month dry spell.
As the best looking girl I had fucked by a long shot, I fell hard for her and the sex was amazing. After 6 months of romantic bliss, I start getting more and more bothered by the fact that prior to getting with me, she was a plate for another (Typical, asshole) guy from our social circle. I caused a lot of arguments about it but was too needy and weak to dump her.
The second 6 months were deteriorating due to this, eventually sex stopped and
soon after she dumps me for 6 weeks. The whole time, i'm listening to sad songs being a typical beta, hoping we'll get back together, hardly functioning really.
We get in contact and get back together, we rent a house together and stop hanging out with that social circle, but after 6 months, i'm still bothered by this other guy issue. I feel too young for this, that it's going wrong again so I pre emptively dump her rather than wait for what I felt was the inevitable. (Apparently I'm the only guy that has ever dumped her)
We were in Ibiza when I told her and it seemed to absolutely crush her. she begged me not to, fucked me the best she ever had but I stood firm and she bought an early ticket home. I put her on the plane only to see her get off it again in tears, begging me not to end it.
We got home and despite more begging and though I really didn't want to do it as I loved her, I thought it was for the best in the long run and dumped her.
We were apart for 9 months in total.
I found out she started seeing someone within a few weeks but it took me a month of moping about to start going out.
I started hanging out with a few players in another social circle I hadn't seen since school. After another month awkwardly talking to girls I started to get the hang of it and opened scoring with 2 bangs in 24 hours.
1st one was shit as I couldnt get it up properly with emotional thoughts of my ex, 2nd one was an 18 year old solid 8.
I went on to fuck 6 more girls in the following 7 months, mostly SNL's as I had looks. One had a boyfriend and yet even seeing how these and other girls were with my mates, I still didnt 'get it' about women, my blue pill eyes wrote those off as sluts but my girl was a good girl who had made a mistake (or 2!)
My hamster was strong.
Even though a couple of the girls I fucked were objectively better looking than my ex, my blue pill heart told me she was the one that got away and I wanted her back.
Anyway, I got back with her for 3 months, wasn't too bothered by that one guy as I caused it by dumping her and I had fucked much more anyway. True Love (Male hamster) can overcome!!
I should say that I wasn't a total beta, particularly after the 9 month break. I think I was a mixture of blue pill romantic naivety and red pill natural alpha as I never took any shit from her.
I Remember once she started having a right go at me for checking out another girls legs while driving, so I screeched the car over and when she wouldn't get out, I leant over, opened her door and shoved her out on the floor, threw her handbag in her face and drove off. I Came back 10 mins later and we went on to have a nice meal at a resteraunt and some newly discovered anal sex that night.
I Never made the connection till I took the redpill!!
Anyway, after 3 months back together, I still feel I need to fuck some more girls and don't like cheating so I dump her again for a couple of months, but only fuck one more girl. She was trying to get back with me the whole time and in the end I decide I need to get my life straightened out and got back with her. I had got into debt from partying and not working as much during our breakups.
We had the conversation, she swore it was only one guy and never asked about mine. Because she was so messed up when I dumped her, spending months in her room crying apparently, her family fucking hated my guts and didn't speak to her for a few months or to me for over a year after we were back together.
I was now 23 and she 25.
The intervening 12 years
The next 2 years were stable between us two but a lot of shit went on that tested us. I had the tax man chasing me for unpaid taxes, sending bailiffs to the house at one point.
As a Muaythai fighter, I started working nightclub doors in rough towns at the weekend to make some extra cash. This had a negative affect on my motivation for my self employed day work and also I was getting into a lot of trouble with police (arrested 6 times, 2 trials, facing time inside but luckily not) and occasionally coming home covered in blood.
eventually, she was carrying us financially from her job and I could feel it not looking good again. When I hid from the bailifs at the door, I hit rock bottom and decide I have to turn it around. I stopped the door work, put all my effort into my business and proposed to her. She paid the bills and saved and paid for the (modest) wedding, I paid off my tax debt and for the honeymoon.
We got married at 25 and 27, and have now had 10 years of relatively successful marriage. She fell pregnant within a few months and we bought our first house before the first daughter was born. I worked hard and business went well for me, she gave up full time work and we had another daughter and a son.
She works part time and increases hours as and when I need her to, but I prefer her to look after me and the kids. She has been a decent wife, still size 8, pretty, feminine, caring, always giving and looking after everyone else first, treats me well, with respect, cooks good healthy food, keeps the house well, never had a single social media account, never flirts and never denies me sex (Though we have had periods of boring sex, on the whole its good enthusiastic sex, 3-5 times a week with regular BJ's, P2M and anal as much as I want. The best sex is obviously when she is ovulating when it can be 2-3 times a day if I want it)
Unlike a lot of bitchy women, she never complains about the lack of things we have had (For example I had her on a budget of £50 a week for food for 5 of us for about 4 months, and she did it well, we also went 4 years without a holiday after our first child was born) on the whole just totally committed to our marriage and family.
However, I definitely look back and see that I became betaized in this period of the last 10 years, I gave up my Muaythai training, lost contact with friends, got a bit fat, focussed on work, work, work and became a soft, boring 'family man', even dressed boring, and generally felt worn out. Despite working my arse off and earning good money, I overextended myself by putting the kids in private school at 30k per annum so the fees along with saving for the rebuild meant I felt poor the last 5 years, living in a small, run down house for 4 years before I could build it, driving a shitty car, and cheap holidays if at all.
The shitstorm
So this last Christmas, I start building the house.
Its cold with only one log burner for heating and 5 of us are sleeping in one room.
I'm under financial pressure with increasing school fees and a lot of money to spend on this house.
About a month in, I had a dream my wife was cheating on me and I couldnt shake the feeling of suspicion. There is nothing obvious I can put my finger on so I start asking about old shit, about when we were broken up, I just know there is something she is not telling me about that.
She swears on the kids lives that there is nothing (ha)
I hound her for weeks then one night, she admits her n count is more than 8, she thinks its 12.
The next day, she is crying and I say there is still more, tell me.
Eventually she says "there was another person in the 9 month break, but I was so scared to lose you, If you knew who it was (i'll come back to this later) you wouldn't want to be with me, I knew how you'd react, I couldn't risk telling you."
My heart is beating and I say "who?"
then she says "it was a jnr doctor from work" (She was a student nurse).
I'm not happy but I could actually handle this, I say, "well that doesn't totally surprise me, 9 months is a long time" she says "yeah right, you wont be saying that when your beating me later" Famous last words!
I go off and later have a nap.
I wake up to her stroking my face, we sit in silence, then it dawns on me.
I say, "hang on, you were'nt working at that hospital during our 9 month break?"
She says, "Oh, it must have been the first time", like it didnt fucking matter!
That was the time she dumped me for 6 weeks when I was crying like a baby feeling sorry for myself.
I jump up, pace round the room calling her every cunt fucking whore name under the sun, getting wound up as I realise my whole fucking marriage and 15 years just went down the pan and I feel something go ping inside me, I lock eyes on her and her words from earlier go through my head "yeah right, you wont be saying that when your beating me later"
I lost it and rained punches on her, blacking both eyes and threw her across the room before she ran outside.
She called my dad to come calm me down but I couldnt. I called her everything in front of him, and told her to go. She eventually took the kids and went to her parents. The next night, the police arrested me from my bed, though it turns out to have been her brother that called them.
She wouldnt make a statement, so they let me go without charge after 20 hours.
5 days later, after a lot or nasty texts both ways, I tell her to come home, we will make a go of it for the kids sake. She comes home and tells me she has to get it all off her chest, there was another person in the 9 month break. So that makes 3 people during our break ups, the jnr doctor she dumped me for first time, the one I always knew about from the 9 month break and another I didn't.
I decide I will try to handle this for the sake of the kids.
She is all over me, extra submissive, extra loving and that night, she fucked me 3 times, kept waking me up through the night to fuck, sobbing and kissing me and fucking me really good. Amazing sex every night for a week.
But then I would get haunted by those thoughts again, and I would go cold on her, we would fight and then I would come out of it after a few days and say lets make a go of it, then she was happy. After another week, I could tell by her face there was something else, and say "there is more isnt there? "
She denies but I persist, suspecting there is a higher notch count still undisclosed.
Low and behold, she eventually says, she had previously never added up how many, she didn't like to think about it as she was ashamed of it, but didn't want to keep anything else from me so she worked it out, its 17. (13 before me and 3 during our breaks).
I didn't immediately react but I thought about it over the days and I began to feel more disgusted by it all.
Lovely a person as she was, she was a whore in my books and I just couldnt reconcile the facts with the person I had loved for so long.
I never wanted a wife that fucked so many guys.
She seemed for a long time like a stranger to me, I would look at her and think "I dont know you".
I felt hate to her for keeping this information from me, and allowing me to make such important life decisions as marriage and children without all the facts.
She knew I would never have married her If I knew all this.
She has put me in a position where I either have to go to save my pride but hurt my children or stay and swallow a steaming pile of shit that will likely repeat on me forever.
The main issues for me are;
A- Her dumping me for the doctor, so she basically settled for me as plan B when he had finished with her,
B- just the lies and loss of general trust.
That is probably the biggest to get over after so long together, the feeling that I have lived a false reality for 14 years, created by her for her own ends. I have been working and sacrificing my best years, money and pussy for a family life that I may never ultimately have, and if I do, not in the fairytale way I had hoped, but maybe that's just some of the blue pill fantasy remaining.
The thought that her friends and some of that old social group knew about this doctor and perhaps some of her past but I was the ignorant fool grates at my pride.
Now, how do I know there still isnt more? How do I know it is not 47 or 107 other guys?
Red Flags
Now I recall redflags that I wrote off before.
Daddy issues - childhood starved of affection by her harsh parents but regularly exposed sexual images and sexual acts between her parents from a young age.
Father totally stopped talking to her from 13 onwards until early 20's. She admits she looked for love and escape in her boyfriends, so #17 seems low for such an upbringing!
Slutty, cheating friends,whom she had girls holidays with.
In the first couple of months of our relationship, I smelled men's aftershave on her hair the day after a night out. Could have been laying on a chest?
Again in first few months, a text came through while we were both in bed saying 'do you want to meet for sex tonight?' she immediately deleted it before I had chance to call it back, when I asked why, she said, I was shocked and embarrassed at something like that while I was in bed with my boyfriend!
When she initially recently told me there was someone else in the 9 months, she said "if you knew who it was, you wouldn't want to be with me" but then told me it was a doctor, who I would not have known, who was actually on a different break up anyway.
Did she bottle out at the last minute from telling me about someone I know, someone that may still be around me to this day?
she says that she doesn't know why she said that, she was under pressure from me and that there is nothing else to come out.
She begged me to let her do a polygraph lie detector that basically asked, from the start of your relationship to today, apart from the issues discussed (The 3 people on the breaks) have you kissed/sexual contact/sex intercourse with anyone else?
She passed that but it doesn't cover her past and I don't know how reliable they really are, whether she could reframe in her mind when the start of the relationship was to suit.
Once trust is gone, everything is up for question.
So I wrestled with this shit for 6 months, going through a depression stage where the world literally looked blue to my eyes, going to see a counsellor for my narcissistic behaviour, going to see CBT counsellor to get these thoughts out my head, all the while emotionally torturing her from one week to the next with push/pull, yes I can do it, no I can't, you lying slut, but desperately not wanting to repeat history with my own broken fucked up family background.
All this time I was maxing my SMV with weights, MMA, sunbeds, hair/teeth/clothes.
Eventually, our 10 year anniversary came around and I tried to buy her a card for over an hour, but couldn't bring myself to buy something and write something I didnt feel. Everytime I walked to the counter with it, I had a really strong gut feeling I was putting my head back in a noose. I knew it would blow up next day when she got out all the gifts and mushy words.
6 weeks ago I finally moved out and have been doing a bit of gaming but things have cooled down between us and i'm kind of going back there, sometimes sleeping there, fucking her, kids are happy we're no longer arguing but asking when i'm coming back. She thinks we're making a go of it, albeit temporarily living apart. I'm in 2 minds.
Oddly, since iv been getting interest from other girls (though not yet fucked one) the old stuff about her doesn't seem to bother me so much.
I'm kind of in a happy place for now, got my space and freedom to game some women and chill out when I want, can always rely on home comforts when I want them, regular good sex and happy kids I can see whenever I want. No issues about other guys coming in etc.
I realise this can't last though and I will eventually have to move back in which will curtail some of my freedom to game and probably cause these old issues to rise up again or leave her properly and hurt my kids, see them one day living under another man's roof and possibly see their lives get messed up as a result.
This is now horrendously long but if nothing else, it has actually helped me to get it all out on paper, so to speak.
My current thoughts
I am still undecided about what to do, Rollo says the juice is never worth the squeeze with stuff like this.
I'm now fully redpill and know AWALT, even my wife.
This actually helps me understand that none of it was personal, like in a bluepill fairytale.
The known lies she told were concealing real n count and 2 people she was with during breakups. Red flags point to possibly cheating in early days.
I don't have that same love and respect for her I once had, this is probably a good thing.
I don't doubt her love for me NOW, after all I have put her through and the humiliation of airing her past in public and going to her family bruised but coming back to me, after finding texts from another woman, still doing anything to keep me. There is a lot of equity in this house now and she is in top 10% looks for her age so she has options and so much ammo to divorce if she wanted to.
I understand her love though is only dependant on her hypergamous estimate of the current situation, with my SMV ascending while hers declines.
She betrayed me 14 years ago when her SMV was higher than mine.
She lied to me about it so she could have her cake and eat it (No puns here please!)
I can believe she feared telling me as I have always had a violent temper (Though never hit her like that before, or kids ever).
Given her good track record over 14 years since, I could do a lot worse for a wife.
Fairly sure, after her reaction to finding texts from another woman, that I could discreetly game other women without her asking too many questions. As long as she's confident I wouldn't leave her.
My children would benefit immeasurably from a stable home life with both parents if it is at all possible to achieve.
It's possible I could still be living in oblivious humiliation by staying with her if there is more (worse) as yet undiscovered from early days, which the redflags point to.
Or, there may actually be nothing else to come as per her polygraph test, and those suspicions could just be fear/ego protection based.
Can I live with what I already know?
If so, can I live with possibility of more I don't know?
Can I really walk out on 3 young children based on suspicion alone?
Decisions, decisions.
If anyone has read this far down, what the fuck is wrong with you?!
Seriously, thanks and I'd really appreciate your considered opinion.
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