Post: #1

Met a girl online. We hooked up. Kept hanging out. She begins to do relationshipy things with me, texting me everyday, meeting more than 3 times a week. My big mistake was going along with it but I enjoy her company. I go along with it but make it clear I am not looking for a relationship, not going to be exclusive.

This all happened in one night.

We're at the 3 month stage and she's telling me she has feelings, begins blaming me for her behavior and says we are in a relationship and despite what I said it doesn't matter because she thought we would get closer and I was acting relationshipy. She said I am her perfect type and she wants to lock me down. Begins demanding that I close my online dating account. I tell her no but that I care about her, "How could you care about me if you're dating other people?"

this begins a lot of bs, crying, arguing, etc. I didn't hold my frame too well and I did say some beta things(I don't want the girl to meltdown and I care about her) but I never relented on the exclusivity thing. I told her I cared about her but I wasn't looking for a relationship because I was hurt in the past, etc. I hugged her and kissed her and attempted to play things off her but I didn't agree to do what she wanted. also I told her to close her account, which was closed until she opened it to find out mine is still open.

To her credit she's a decent girl, doesn't talk to other guys, very submissive, pays for things almost as much as me, takes me out, etc but I'm not going to get trapped into a relationship.

What's the best way to keep her around but not get exclusive? It's workable as she likes me VERY much and is attached.

Perhaps my fault was being completely honest with her about not being exclusive and so blatantly dating other people. Maybe I should give her some limit, "If we pass six months I'll be exclusive"

Post: #2

You've got to cut her loose dude. Easier said than done, but you've already fallen into her frame in the "relationship" you've had with her.

If you don't want to date her exclusively, you shouldn't have to. If she doesn't oblige, good riddance.

Post: #3

Quote:I hugged her and kissed her and attempted to play things off her but I didn't agree to do what she wanted. also I told her to close her account, which was closed until she opened it to find out mine is still open.

I'm willing to bet that wasn't the reason it was reopened. She sounds like she needs lots of attention and validation, which would be easy for her to get from online dating.

Post: #4

I don't see anything wrong with relationships if the quality girl is in play. But ultimatums are often a big red flag. Is she older than 25? Traditional family? What's her sexual past? You need to know this in order to know if she is just trying to lock you down in order to undo her slutty past or if she is a genuinely nice girl who is a relationship material.

Just as you as an aspiring quality man wouldn't want some girl to waste your time with bullshit delaying of sex, quality girls don't want to waste their very short best years being a fuck buddy.

Post: #5

(11-19-2014 06:30 AM)ryanf Wrote:  

Quote:I hugged her and kissed her and attempted to play things off her but I didn't agree to do what she wanted. also I told her to close her account, which was closed until she opened it to find out mine is still open.

I'm willing to bet that wasn't the reason it was reopened. She sounds like she needs lots of attention and validation, which would be easy for her to get from online dating.

nah I've seen her phone, her computer, everything is open with me. I've never seen a girl into me as much as this.

Post: #6

(11-19-2014 06:37 AM)funkyzeit Wrote:  I don't see anything wrong with relationships if the quality girl is in play. But ultimatums are often a big red flag. Is she older than 25? Traditional family? What's her sexual past? You need to know this in order to know if she is just trying to lock you down in order to undo her slutty past or if she is a genuinely nice girl who is a relationship material.

Just as you as an aspiring quality man wouldn't want some girl to waste your time with bullshit delaying of sex, quality girls don't want to waste their very short best years being a fuck buddy.

very low partner count, her story checks out. not old. Her attractiveness isn't that high and some other qualities are average but character wise the girl is good.

I'd like to keep this thread on topic which is to address what the best way to deal with this girl demanding exclusivity, how do I address the issue while maintaining my frame and keeping her as a plate.

Post: #7

You may have already "blown" it a bit, but maybe you have another chance to reframe.

Maybe something along the lines of "look, clearly nobody else I see is snuggling like us, cuddling, having that *real* connection you and I have... I like you a lot, more than just physically..." and don't explicitly mention how you plan to keep seeing other girls. Just make it seem like you just don't want to "say" exclusive, but her good behavior will make you de facto exclusive.

Post: #8

To add to the above though, while it's great to have a girl be the more interested partner, it's probably NOT very healthy to entertain relations with a girl you are just meh about.

You say she's so-so looks wise, but has good character. Would you be proud to introduce her as your girl, even to buddies? Or bring her around as "a" girl?

If she was not super into you, would you still consider a relationship? If not, then drop her. There's an opportunity cost for you to meet a girl who is super into you AND you are super into.

Post: #9

She's not hot/young enough for you it's clear. I am going to guess is 5 or maybe low 6.

You need to not sweat easy pussy and cut her loose if she takes even an iota of extra effort to keep in check. The energy you expend on this should be used more wisely.

Post: #10

Women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of relationships.

Just as men don't get to decide that a woman should have sex with him, women don't get to decide that a man should have a relationship with her.

She is, of course, free to walk- if she feels that she wants or deserves more commitment than she is getting from you. But women are always free to leave at any time and for any or no reason. That is just how it is.

Post: #11

(11-19-2014 06:42 AM)Valhalla Wrote:  

(11-19-2014 06:37 AM)funkyzeit Wrote:  I don't see anything wrong with relationships if the quality girl is in play. But ultimatums are often a big red flag. Is she older than 25? Traditional family? What's her sexual past? You need to know this in order to know if she is just trying to lock you down in order to undo her slutty past or if she is a genuinely nice girl who is a relationship material.

Just as you as an aspiring quality man wouldn't want some girl to waste your time with bullshit delaying of sex, quality girls don't want to waste their very short best years being a fuck buddy.

very low partner count, her story checks out. not old. Her attractiveness isn't that high and some other qualities are average but character wise the girl is good.

I'd like to keep this thread on topic which is to address what the best way to deal with this girl demanding exclusivity, how do I address the issue while maintaining my frame and keeping her as a plate.

If you're worried about losing a plate, regardless of high or low quality, do you still have frame?

Post: #12

You lost some of your frame man, hate to say it.

The only way to recover is to tell her you'll make it official ON YOUR OWN TERMS, not hers.

You're not going to do anything rash and make a quick decision, if she can't accept that, tell her to deal with it, if she goes with it (you've regained your frame).

She does seem extremely needy, cut back to seeing her once or twice a week.

Let her chase you, but be well aware, find other plates.

You can make it official with her, but I'd hope you'd still be banging girls on the side.

Post: #13

Any woman issuing me an ultimatium is a big red flag.

She's setting the course and controls your frame. You're buying into it OP.

Post: #14

(11-19-2014 05:22 AM)Valhalla Wrote:  What's the best way to keep her around but not get exclusive? It's workable as she likes me VERY much and is attached.

This particular girl? You lie to her. (which you may not have the stomach for when she doesn't know your banging other chicks, and won't definitely have the stomach for when she finds out)

A typical girl, "Let's just see where this goes"

or the Jay Z line, "When we're together, we're together, when we're not, we're not"

The problem here is that she's attempting to monopolize your time and attention.
This is a red flag, stage 5 clinger.

I'm wondering if there weren't any signs of this co-dependent behavior BEFORE you banged her.

And if she cries at the drop of a hat and gets you to cave, get ready for a whole more crying.

I've already dated this girl, it didn't end well for me, probably won't end well for you. Better to rip the bandage off now.

WIA

Post: #15

(11-19-2014 12:35 PM)456 Wrote:  To add to the above though, while it's great to have a girl be the more interested partner, it's probably NOT very healthy to entertain relations with a girl you are just meh about.

You say she's so-so looks wise, but has good character. Would you be proud to introduce her as your girl, even to buddies? Or bring her around as "a" girl?

If she was not super into you, would you still consider a relationship? If not, then drop her. There's an opportunity cost for you to meet a girl who is super into you AND you are super into.

Honestly? No. That is the crux of the problem. I wouldn't want to be seen around her but....

She gets my dick hard but I cannot ascertain if it's due to a subconscious taste I have in women that she fulfills or if it's due to the emotions and comfort involved by being with someone for a few months.

As travesty guessed she's a 6.

Update:
Turns out this whole issue was brought upon due to her various girlfriends asking about what we were

Post: #16

its very obvious what you need to do. The next time she brings this up, you basically have to say in no uncertain terms, tell her to either get with the program and continue as you are as fuckbuddies or walk.

either that or just end things and date other women and break up with her completely.

The arguing, crying and shit just isn't fun.

Post: #17

Try to frame her demand as something that is likely to ruin everything between you both. it might go a little something like this...

"You have to realize is that the way you bring this up is wrong. you basically just gave an ultimatum. and that's fucked up. i like us, but we can't have relationship where you can just bring ultimatums and get satisfaction by making threats. it's unhealthy relationship. so even if want to say YES to you i cannot do it right now. we ca still discuss this but if i were to say yes it would be wrong so much. but let's talk about it.

do you want relationship just out of obligation to live up to the standards or want it cause we enjoy ourselves and every moment we are together it's cause we've chosen that's what we want to do more than any other thing in the world. which sounds more appealing to you? cause i don't believe in labels however i think it's important in the context of the conversation that you know that i do like/love you and regardless what's next i will always like/love you and respect you as a person.

i don't want to hurt you so if us being together is hurting you, if it causing you more pain than pleasure then you should leave right now.

if you leave i accept that, i'm not hateful person, you always come back, the door will always be open for you untill one day when it won't be. cause right now i'm young i'm searching myself but you're definitely in that category of girl i would like to settle down with but if you're not there then the door might be closed already.

let's split and think about it for now and come back and let me know. i don't want to leave, i'd like to stay but i'll deal with whatever you decide to make you happy"

Post: #18

George Harrison wrote a great line in his song "Something".

"Your asking me will my love grow. I don't know, I don't know.
Stick around and it may show. I don't know, I don't know."

At totally non-commital, and truthful response. You really don't know what the future will be between the two of you. You don't know when you'll be ready to take that next step towards "marriage".

Saying that word should shock her a bit. After all, that's exactly what she's trying to do. Throwing that M-word out there shows you take exclusivity very seriously while at the same time might show her how ridiculously fast she's moving.

Not sure if that will work, but I think it's something I would find myself saying.

Remember, women can be very feminine and sweet while they are trying to get something they want. Put her in a tough situation and see how she handles it. That's when their true colors come out.

For example, I was traveling upstate one weekend in the late fall and it was an alumni weekend for all the universities in town so there were no hotels. Imagine the frustration in trying to find a place all night. Eventually we slept in the very cold car on a street. Not once did she complain, she didn't even frown and was always content and smiling.

She was a woman of impeccable character, but the sexual chemistry just wasn't there. We need a woman that has the right balance.