Post: #26

I don't like sharing this but my father committed suicide when I was 14. Since then I'm different, I don't know what it is I'm just different. I don't seem to have any emotions anymore, I'm very apathetic. I still often get depressed.
For half a year after my father died I was very lazy. I would stay in bed all day and play video games.
I couldn't even motivate myself to go to school.
Then I kind of had a wake up call. I decided I didn't want to just sit around anymore.
I realized I had everything in life going for me.
I'm smart, good looking and good with people. I can achieve anything if I want to.
So I turned my life around, I focused more on my friends, stopped playing video games and applied myself more in school.
Now I have the best grades in my class, a lot of new and true friends and bang hot chicks regularly.
I still get depressive episodes every few weeks and get sad or melancholic when I think of my father but I always pull through again. When I'm sad, I think of what my father would want me to do. He wouldn't want me sitting around, he'd want me to enjoy my life and make something of myself. I know he would be proud of me, that's what keeps me going.
In some twisted way, I think losing my father early on in such a tragic way has prepared me for the rest of my life better than anything else I can think of.
I know that whatever is going to happen, it is very unlikely that it will be shittier than what I've gone through already

Post: #27

I can't imagine what you must have gone through. Thanks for sharing.

As for finding the death of your father a weird sort of preparation for the rest of your life. There is probably something in that.

Lots of successful people lost a parent at a young age. If you go through the list of most celebrities - you will often find stories along those lines.

I remember Ian Hislop (a famous newspaper editor/comedian here in the UK) saying this. He lost a parent at a young age. And he said it gave him a strange sort of confidence since he knew he had already dealt with the worse that life could throw at him.

At one time he was in court facing prison (after being sued by Robert Maxwell - a businessman - later found to be a crook) on libel charges. Even though it turned out what he was saying was true. And he said that he found the whole thing funny, as he held his toothbrush, and was facing the judge.

And he put it down to what he went through as a kid.

Post: #28

First comes shock and disbelief. You can't breathe, you think you must be having a nightmare. There must be a mistake.

You still hear their voice and expect to see them sitting where they always sit. You pick up the phone to call them but then you realize that they are dead. You call anyways, maybe they will answer.

Then comes the sadness and grief. The crying and pain.

Then, maybe some anger about what could have been done to avoid this or how you could have been a better son.

Then, more sadness.

And, finally, acceptance and appreciation.

Appreciation for the time they they were here.

The feeling of loss never goes away. I still miss them. I still talk to them when I'm alone.

Post: #29

My mom died ten years ago when I was only 11 years old. I remember the pain and suffering somewhat, but I rarely find myself ever even thinking about it anymore. There comes a point where you accept that life will go on and the grieving fades away, for me I'm thankful that it happened when it did, when I was young. I don't know if I could ever launch a career and keep my head up if I had that hanging over my head at this point in my life.

Post: #30

My dad passed away a few months after my 21st birthday but he had been suffering from kidney failure since I was about 15. I went to college a couple of hours away from where I grew up and whenever I came home for breaks, I could pretty much count on at least one trip to the ER. My mom is old school and cared for him for years after my dad became too sick to work. My dad and I didn't have a bad relationship but I can't say it was a particularly good relationship either, certainly not anything like the relationship my brother has with his two sons.

Anyway, I remember the day that I got the call that he'd passed and I had no idea how to feel. I barely shed a tear from the time I got the news until the funeral 5 days later, but I cried like a baby all through the funeral. I couldn't stop thinking about all of the moments we wouldn't have a chance to share such as him seeing me graduate from college 6 months later or me getting engaged or married or never meeting my kids. In fact, my nephew graduated high school last week and I got all choked up as my mom handed him a savings bond that my dad bought for him while he was still alive. I was really looking forward to forming a better relationship with my dad after college and I've recently become very curious about what kind of guy he was at my age (I'm 29 now). I've had bad days in my life since then but nothing compares to that day.

Does it change your relationships with other family members? Of course. My mom and I were always close but we became a lot closer for a while as she'd lost both her parents and her husband within 2.5 years. She's fine now as she spends most of her time doing church activities. My only brother became a father like figure to me for a while since he is 10 years older than me and as I was just starting manhood, he was able to help guide me when I first got out of school and was starting my adult life.

I always tell people that time with your parents is too limited when you're an adult and old enough to appreciate everything that they've done for you. Don't ruin your relationships with them over silly arguments because they're the only parents you have and one day, whether you're prepared or not, they will no longer exist.

Post: #31

The worst is having dreams about them. Really vivid dreams, talking to them like you always did, and then you wake up.

Post: #32

(06-01-2013 10:55 PM)thedude3737 Wrote:  The worst is having dreams about them. Really vivid dreams, talking to them like you always did, and then you wake up.

I made the decision to pull life support from my dad. Two nights later I had a dream and he told me to not pull life support, that he was ok and would live. Fucked me up for a day or two, but I know 100% I made the right decision, so it didn't affect me much. He always said if he was on life support to let him die, because he didn't want to be in that hospital bed anyways.

Post: #33

(06-01-2013 10:55 PM)thedude3737 Wrote:  The worst is having dreams about them. Really vivid dreams, talking to them like you always did, and then you wake up.

I have dreams like these every few months.
I always dream that my dad faked his death and was alive the whole time.
Always fucks me up for the next few days

Post: #34

My mother passed away from cancer yesterday and it feels so brutal. It is sucking oxygen out of my body and I just want to cry all the time. But she finally discovered peace in the midst of all this suffering and is in a better place. It just made me realize the unconditional love that I have for her and it reminds me also how everything she did to me and my siblings were because SHE loved us, not expecting anything in return. That's the love and memory will stay with me as long as I'm alive.

Post: #35

Hey guys
Hoping you can give me some suggestions to help clarify my thoughts.

Recently lost my father and now I'm staying at his house by myself. I'm a younger guy, 21, and after a few months of accepting the loss, it's getting to be time to try and clear out his stuff.

Whilst some things like photos and some special trinkets i'll try and store somewhere, what would you do with massive CD, book collections, not hugely valuable paintings, weight training equipment, tools, paint, camping equipment, lamps, computer ect?

I'm going to eventually rent his house out to get a location independent style income from that, as it's too big for one young guy, and I don't want to live in the suburbs, I'm not a possessions person.

Would you just put some stuff in the tip, donate some stuff to charity?
It's hard because a lot of these things, especially books and cds had a lot of meaning for him, but since i've read most of the ones that interest me, I don't have a big connection to them
Thanks guys

Post: #36

My Dad passed away a few years ago completely out of blue from a heart attack. I hurts like hell to make it worst I was in USA he in Spain and I couldn't attend the funeral as well. The only good thing out of it, if there is a good thing at all. I received the dreaded call on Friday afternoon, right at the working day end so it took the whole weekend to scrape my self from the floor after a lot of whining and uncontrollable tears coming out. The next a few months I worked my self to 80 hours a week preventing going insane.

In my humble opinion if you are not pressed to sell just store all off the staff in basement, attic, one bedroom etc. and rent out the house. In a year or two or more you will start to understand what you actually want to sell, what you want for yourself, what needs to go to donation and the most important what you want to handle to your future kids. Sometimes a single object could spark interest or the imagination of your kids just knowing that it comes from their Grandpa. And it could turn in to a career or life changing event.

Post: #37

(09-08-2016 12:20 AM)Drazki Wrote:  In my humble opinion if you are not pressed to sell just store all off the staff in basement, attic, one bedroom etc. and rent out the house. In a year or two or more you will start to understand what you actually want to sell, what you want for yourself, what needs to go to donation and the most important what you want to handle to your future kids. Sometimes a single object could spark interest or the imagination of your kids just knowing that it comes from their Grandpa. And it could turn in to a career or life changing event.

I agree. 369eyedea, you can probably make an arrangement with your future tenant. I doubt anyone would mind if you kept your dad's stuff in the basement or in the garage.

Post: #38

Cheers guys, appreciate the advice. RVF comes through for me again))

Post: #39

My dad died when I was 21.
Took me years to get over it, probably a good 6-8 years. I have a mental breakdown, lost my job, could not deal with so many things i should have been sailing through at that age, but just couldn't.

Mum died when I was 37, even though she was always the "main parent" if you get my drift, her death was easier to deal with, probably because I was "free" in a way to just get on with my own life then and not worry about her anymore. If you've been through the extended illness of a parent, and seen them deteriorate slowly, you will understand what I mean by the sense of "freedom" I felt when she died. It's not a selfish thing at all. At the very least she was not suffering anymore.

I got married soon after that and now have kids. I'm 47 and still miss them both, especially my dad, who I never really feel i got to know very well.

If I can offer any advice to anyone at all, it would be to repair whatever damaged relationships you may have with your parents while they are still alive. Unless of course they are complete arseholes and ruined your life, and damaged your psyche, then maintain distance for your own health and sanity.

Post: #40

(09-07-2016 09:57 PM)369eyedea Wrote:  Hey guys
Hoping you can give me some suggestions to help clarify my thoughts.

Recently lost my father and now I'm staying at his house by myself. I'm a younger guy, 21, and after a few months of accepting the loss, it's getting to be time to try and clear out his stuff.

Whilst some things like photos and some special trinkets i'll try and store somewhere, what would you do with massive CD, book collections, not hugely valuable paintings, weight training equipment, tools, paint, camping equipment, lamps, computer ect?

I'm going to eventually rent his house out to get a location independent style income from that, as it's too big for one young guy, and I don't want to live in the suburbs, I'm not a possessions person.

Would you just put some stuff in the tip, donate some stuff to charity?
It's hard because a lot of these things, especially books and cds had a lot of meaning for him, but since i've read most of the ones that interest me, I don't have a big connection to them
Thanks guys

CD's and books etc, if you like that music and it reminds you of him, and growing up with that music, I would keep it. The rest, donate to charity or pick a few to give to friends.

I hated the idea of selling my parents' things, and doing that whole grubby thing where people want your parent's possessions for cheap prices, the haggling and what not. I gave them to charity.

Post: #41

My mom went into a nursing home this summer, because she gave up on taking care of herself. She was in a bad mental place, she literally gave up on herself. She is recovering now, but it was scary. This is going to happen to me in the next 5 years or so. I dont know how I am going to handle it. I am just going to make the remaining time with them the best I can. Im repairing the past as best as I can. Its tough being far away from them, but I have been back to see them 4 times since it happened in June. Each time its positive and enjoyable, and not painful likes it been for years. I feel like I have turned a corner with her, and my dad who was really distant as a child. I love them both and want them to be here forever, but its only a matter of time now, at their ages. After they are gone I will have no one else. I have a few half brothers from my dads side who are totally ungrateful and unsupportive of him, except when they need money. They wont call him anymore because he said no when they ask for loans. I see him more than they do, and they live an hour away. It pisses me off so much. But when my parents are gone, thats it for me. I am an only child, and I will have to deal with this on my own. As much as I have seen siblings fight, maybe thats a good thing.

Post: #42

My best years with my mom were after she got Alzheimers and wasn't sure if I was her son or just someone who happened to have the same name. She had been a difficult person her whole life but with Alzheimers she was just too confused to argue or be angry for more than a minute or two. I feel fortunate that my final experiences and interactions with her were so positive.

(09-08-2016 12:20 AM)Drazki Wrote:  In my humble opinion if you are not pressed to sell just store all off the staff in basement, attic, one bedroom ... In a year or two or more you will start to understand what you actually want to sell, what you want for yourself, what needs to go to donation ...

A year or two can easily turn into fifteen, as in my family's case. Avoid putting anything into paid storage. I'll be helping clean out the unit later this month. Do the math = $20,000 USD to store stuff no one has looked at since.