Post: #1

Hey everyone,

Just curious. I have yet to suffer the loss of a parent. But - I am wondering what such a feeling is like?

Is it something you can prepare for? I'm guessing not.

And how difficult is it to carry on with life. To be honest - I am surprised more people don't commit suicide when this happens. Since many people seem to kill themselves over far less traumatic events. Indeed - it was the death of his mother - which led (fashion designer) Alexander McQueen to kill himself.

I'm guessing religion must be a comfort. But that won't help me since I am an atheist.

Anyway - I know it is a bleak question. But I literally have no idea how people are able to cope with such events. Which is strange since it will eventually happen to most of us.

Also - does it get easier to deal with when you go through it as an adult? As opposed to when you are younger?

Lastly - when one parent dies. Does it change the relationship (in some subtle way) you have with the remaining one? I would imagine it does. Yet - it is a bit surreal to imagine hanging out with one parent after the other one has died.

Sorry if the above is a bit dumb. It is just that I often find myself thinking about the simplest and most basic questions.

Post: #2

There are people who have no parents at all so such a loss must be bearable. When I lost my dad it wasn´t difficult as I didn´t have an connection to him and I didn´t like him. Thinking about suicide and doing it is very different. I am also an Atheist but I guess I am so used to living that killing myself would be quite difficult as long as I am not broke and ill and weak.

Post: #3

I think the reason is entirely evolutionary. It is completely natural for parents to die before their offspring. Obviously in humans and our closest species cousins, some grief when losing a close family member is entirely natural, but not so debilitating that it hinders the survival of the offspring.

I think the death of a child would be much harder to take as it is relatively rarer.

Post: #4

The best I've ever read on the subject of losing a father; it's even worth reading just for his superb use of English:

http://www.spectator.co.uk/columnists/ma...-voice-12/

Post: #5

I subscribe to The Spectator. It is a fanatastic magazine. I couldn't live without it.

And yeah - I remember Penn Jillette making a similar point to Matthew Parris as well. It is a good way of looking at things.

Post: #6

I am actually afraid that I won't feel crushed when my parents die, even though I love them. It's like in Camus's famous novel "The Stranger". The thought simultaneously makes me feel relieved and ashamed.

Post: #7

(05-29-2013 12:43 PM)cardguy Wrote:  Hey everyone,

Just curious. I have yet to suffer the loss of a parent. But - I am wondering what such a feeling is like?

Is it something you can prepare for? I'm guessing not.

And how difficult is it to carry on with life. To be honest - I am surprised more people don't commit suicide when this happens. Since many people seem to kill themselves over far less traumatic events. Indeed - it was the death of his mother - which led (fashion designer) Alexander McQueen to kill himself.

I'm guessing religion must be a comfort. But that won't help me since I am an atheist.

Anyway - I know it is a bleak question. But I literally have no idea how people are able to cope with such events. Which is strange since it will eventually happen to most of us.

Also - does it get easier to deal with when you go through it as an adult? As opposed to when you are younger?

Lastly - when one parent dies. Does it change the relationship (in some subtle way) you have with the remaining one? I would imagine it does. Yet - it is a bit surreal to imagine hanging out with one parent after the other one has died.

Sorry if the above is a bit dumb. It is just that I often find myself thinking about the simplest and most basic questions.

I think the most important thing is to not do anything too stupid, i.e. start taking unnecessary risks, suicide, etc (not that this is a huge issue, but you never know). Other than that, putting time between you and the situation is about it. It's going to suck, really really bad, especially if you were close. Hopefully you have siblings that will help out with final arrangements (funeral, burial, and then estate related issues). Spend time with whatever family is left. Ask questions - find out about how they were when they were young, keep a small collection of their personal items, stuff that reminds you of them. You would be amazed what stories their friends/siblings/whomever can tell you that reveal more about them than you ever knew.

Again, no real magic bullet on this one. Just let time do its thing.

Post: #8

Lost my dad when i was 22. Still crushes me. He was the only guy I could talk to about sports and about and life. I thank god he died when the Lakers where on top in 2010 and didn't see them as they currently are now, he was a life long Lakers fan and turned me onto them. He never got to see the Washington Redskins above .500 for years. I think he would've LOVED RGIII. He didn't see my bro graduate from college. Sorry for sounding like a bitch guys.

Post: #9

Pablo Picasso once said a man couldn't truly create art until the death of his father.

PT, there's absolutely nothing "like a bitch" about mourning the loss of your dad.

Post: #10

I seriously wouldn't know what to do if one of my parents died...

Post: #11

Despite all the differences one might have with their parents, if one of them dies, they will be missed greatly! I suppose it would be very difficult to deal with it at first.

Post: #12

Losing my loving, funny, humble mother was by far the most painful thing for me in my entire life.

It was months before I stopped crying at least some every day. I was pretty dysfunctional as far as working for at least two weeks, I would go to the bathroom and cry.

The only thing I can say that will be helpful is that that clawing pain of grief in your stomach that keeps coming back after the loss only comes a few minutes at a time, you simply can't take any more at one time.

It comes back less frequently, for shorter periods, and eventually is a more mild sadness. Also, you later can remember your loved ones in a pleasant way, remembering the good things about them and what they enjoyed.

Post: #13

I think the more unexpected the death is, the more intense the pain will be.

Assuming you love your dad:
If you lose your dad to a car crash when he is coming home from work you would be devastated.

However, if your dad is suffering from Alzheimer's for seven years and then passes, you will feel less pain when he passes.

That said, I think the pain of losing a parent is fixed. The intensity of the pain is dependent upon the duration between discovering a terminal disease/illness to the actual death. The intensity of the pain is not fixed.

Post: #14

I've heard from my uncles and other family members that my father completely changed after his father died.

Post: #15

(05-29-2013 03:07 PM)Handsome Creepy Eel Wrote:  I am actually afraid that I won't feel crushed when my parents die, even though I love them. It's like in Camus's famous novel "The Stranger". The thought simultaneously makes me feel relieved and ashamed.

I think this too, but I'm sure it will be the opposite.

Post: #16

I remember Penn Jillette saying that he loved his parents more than anyone in the world - and he hinted that he was including his kids in this.

Of course he loves his kids immensely - but there was something about the bond he had with his parents which he couldn't get over. Even now he starts to tear up when he talks about his mum.

Now - I will never have kids. But - to me - it seems logical that you would love your parents more than your kids. Since you have known them longer - and the love you have for them is a reflection of the simple strong emotions you had as a kid yourself growing up. Don't forget as well - that even though we are not children for long - it feels like it lasts a lifetime.

Yet - it seems as if people are scared to admit they love somebody more than their kids. I remember slowly getting a woman I work with to admit I had a point, and that she also probably loved her mother more than her kids.

For some reason it is a taboo to say this! Weird. I mean - if you take men for example. It seems many more men are able to walk out on their kids than are able to cut off all contact with their parents.

Post: #17

It crushed me. I was drunk for two weeks straight. I don't even remember the funeral. I am told I called my sister a cunt during the layout. It really hurts losing the only woman I could ever truly trust. It still hurts to think about.

Post: #18

I don't think you should be focusing on something like this. Just try to spend as much time as you can with both of them. Maybe that's Beta though?

Post: #19

I had a turbulent relationship with my mom growing up. I almost got kicked out a couple times. Two big personalities under one roof.

After I moved out we became great friends. It wasn't long after she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Docs gave her 6 months, she lasted 6 years. Incredibly strong woman. She was a marathon runner.

Over those 6 years we became close, but not as mom and son, just more like really great friends. We'd get stoned together. She'd hook me up her morphine pills when she didn't feel like finishing her prescription. We never knew about each others' party habits until she was diagnosed. Terminal diseases have a funny way of eliminating boundaries and traditional family roles. She found out all my secrets and I found out most of hers. It's a lot more "human" experience. I remember what it was like having a "mom" and "dad" that I looked up to and had all these expectations, and I sense they went through the same thing; having a son like me with various expectations and preconceived notions of what a "good son" is. Regardless of fulfilling those roles, my mom's gone, and my dad and I talk like acquaintances, although he does talk down to me still as if I'm a retarded teenager.

Losing a parent creates a void that never gets filled. The best thing you can do is acknowledge that void, acknowledge you have a pain that many other people don't understand unless they've lost a parent too. Don't expect anyone to understand. Even my sister and I have VERY different views and feelings about our mom's death.

I'd read a lot of Ram Dass before my mom died. The guy spent years dealing with sick and dying people and easing them into their transition into death. It's some heavy shit. It's a very western coping mechanism to panic and avoid the topic of death until it's too late. Eastern religions and philosophy teach that a decent portion of your life should be spent preparing for death. I'd read all these stories about Ram Dass hanging out in hospitals and talking to terminally ill patients about their own death. In doing so, he was able to relieve a lot of stress and suffering, even getting people to laugh about death. So one day I got pretty ballsy and asked my mom point blank, "Are you afraid of dying?" She was pretty far gone at this point and we all knew it, but I really wondered: how afraid was she? She shook her head and said, "No, no no, I'm more worried about you guys." It was really painful to talk about but it was good to clear the air. Noone else talked to her like this. Her friends, some of them from childhood, would show up and hang out at the side of her bed, completely awkward, just staring at her. You could feel the tension from their own lack of coping with death. People would make ridiculous small talk. Not once did anyone ask her if she was afraid, if she hurt, if they could help somehow. I witnessed a very immature culture in dealing with death. Not all terminally ill people are open about it either. Some parents can be really closed off about this shit, but like I said, I was getting stoned with my mom and we spoke openly about everything.

The end result of that is by the time my mom died, of course I was traumatized, but I let her go without attachment. My sister on the other hand, held onto anger and resentments from all the way when we were growing up and how shitty of a mom we had at times. As we were walking up to the spot where we were going to spread my mom's ashes, my sister broke down and started sobbing, telling me she was still pissed at mom. I was simultaneously angry and sad, that my sister didn't clear the water with our mom before she left. I felt like I was the only one of our family that gave her a proper goodbye.

If I could impart any wisdom to anyone who has a terminally ill parent, or even a healthy parent, it's this: old resentments are hard as hell to talk about, but it's worth a shot. Some kids never got music lessons, others got locked up in a basement. Whatever the case, if you have something you're pissed at a parent for, something that goes back 10, 20 years, bring it up. They might not respond well, but it's worth a shot and you might just develop a closer and stronger bond that transcends the "parent-offspring" relationship. Talk to your parents openly about death. Get out of the mindset of wondering and speculating about shit, and just get it out there in the open. One day, they will be dead. The worst thing you can go through is letting them go while holding onto things that were never said.

Post: #20

Doug Stanhope (one of my favourite comedians) held a suicide party for his terminally ill mum. They got completely hammered on alcohol with her and waited for her to take the suicide pills.

The story is amazing...

Post: #21

I went to my great-grandma's funeral today (she was 95 and lived a full life until about two weeks ago) and most of my grandparents and great uncles spent the time in the reception hall joking and remembering funny stories about how much my great-grandma swore and called people "fat bitches" and "assholes", despite being a Sunday School teacher for probably fifty years. She had been deaf as a post since the Reagan administration and went a little berserk every time somebody surprised her from a nap. All of her friends were in their 60s - 80s and she had outlived nearly all of her direct relatives and several of her children.

It's possible that by the time your parents die, you will have seen so much death or they will have declined for so many years that you've become more accustomed to the inevitability of it. My grandparents had been quietly discussing what would happen in the event of their mother's/in-law's death for the last six years or so because she had been on a slow decline.
I would think that the death of a child, spouse, or sibling would be harder than the death of a parent, because ideas of your own mortality hit much harder.

@cardguy - great video
if I were to have terminal cancer, I would try to go out the same way
completely shithammered and surrounded by friends

Post: #22

When I lost my father it was a blow.. I really thought he was the greatest guy on earth, and to watch him deteriorate with cancer was tough shit.. but once it happens, you get used to it and move forward even though you will always miss him and the fact of it will always suck.

Post: #23

My dad died a few years ago. We were really close. He had 6 kids but I was the only one he was close with. We were the most alike, though I am much more mentally stable than he was, and he and my mom had a good relationship. He was friends with my stepdad, since they are both old school bikers, so he was always more than welcome in our home. I looked up to my dad and respected him 100%. He would come to see me every chance he got. He had several other sons, but I was the one he meant when he talked about his "son".

He had cancer and I don't think I realized he was going to die until a couple weeks before he did. I'm not sure why I didn't realize it. I guess my mind just kind of shut it off. My dad was the leader out of all of his friends. All of these big, bearded, tattooed, gnarly biker guys. Real bikers who built their Harleys, not lawyers who bought them new off the showroom floor. Everyone respected my dad, mostly because he was the most violent. Never to me though, he was always awesome to me.

Everyone thought my dad was too strong to die. He had spent lots of time in jail, stabbed people, arrested for attempted murder for shooting at someone, etc. Then, two weeks later he had a bone marrow transplant. He slipped into a coma, his body retained fluid so he looked like some old, fat 250lb man. His skin turned green. I shaved his head and beard. Before that he had fairly long hair and a long beard. He was unrecognizable. Tubes in his throat, needles in his arms.

Shortly after, we made the decision to pull life support and he died right in front of me, gasping for air. His skin almost instantly turned dark green and black, like a zombie.

We left the hospital and I started driving us back to the hotel. No one was talking. I just kept thinking over and over for him to give me a sign that he was ok. I turned on the radio, and the first song that came on was Steppenwolf - Born To Be Wild. Everyone in the car started balling. It made me feel better, thinking that maybe there is some kind of afterlife out there, and that I will see him again. I'm not sure if I believe that or not, but I hope it is true.

Ever since my dad passed, I've been scared shitless that my mom will pass away soon. She's really the only person I am close with. I am not close with my other family. My mom had smoked since she was 14, and lived a rough life of partying the same as my dad. When she dies I will be completely lost and basically alone. She's the only person I call from Thailand on a regular basis. I imagine I will be a very distraught individual when this day finally comes.

Post: #24

(05-30-2013 02:06 AM)Yano Wrote:  I think the more unexpected the death is, the more intense the pain will be.

Assuming you love your dad:
If you lose your dad to a car crash when he is coming home from work you would be devastated.

However, if your dad is suffering from Alzheimer's for seven years and then passes, you will feel less pain when he passes.

That said, I think the pain of losing a parent is fixed. The intensity of the pain is dependent upon the duration between discovering a terminal disease/illness to the actual death. The intensity of the pain is not fixed.

I lost my dad in a car crash in 2007. It wasn't unexpected as my family had been dealing with his alcoholism for years.

I miss him everyday. The worst part are the dreams: I regularly dream of my dad. Generally, he's well and we're doing something fun, like hunting, fishing, playing ball. But in the dream I'm completely melancholy as I know what's going to happen to him.

His death constantly serves a reminder that life is fleeting and to enjoy it now while you can. I've made many changes to my life since then, one of them being to get better with hot ladies, whom I've pined for my entire life but couldn't figure out. Hence my reason on this forum.

Post: #25

Man, I don't even wanna think about this. I am close with both my parents and they are still together. I am pretty sure it will take me a while to deal with it whenever it does happen. Thankfully, they are both still in their 50s and I hope we still have a lot of time left together.