Post: #1

I have this dilemma. My parents (both retired) live in another city and are getting frail. In the case of my dad, he has had a lot of medical issues recently. I’m Middle Eastern, pretty close with my parents and love them greatly.

My mother has been pressuring me to have them move to Boston. I think that she is getting tired of taking care of my dad, wants to be closer to me etc. While I share her concerns and do want to be there for my parents, I see the following happening:

- I will be done with bedding new and different women on a weekly basis.
- My social activities will be significantly curtailed (e.g. My mother telling me to come home on time, can’t exactly come home wasted with a few college age chicas either)

I think that their thought process is that we will all live together and be happy. I just can’t see myself living in the same quarters as my parents – it seems retrogressive not just in terms of the social life.

Before you judge, please bear in mind that many Eastern cultures, parts of Europe parents and their adult age children living together. Moreover, I am on only child and like I said, I do want to be there for them.

So here is my dilemma: How can I both be there for my folks (get them groceries, take dad to Dr’s appointments etc.) while still maintaining my active social life? Since the conversation has started, I am feeling more and more boxed in by it. I know that my parents will around for only so long and I do want to spend some good quality time with them, while maintaining a balance.

Thoughts?

Post: #2

I have no relationship with my parents but have friend with same problem as you...

Do you live in a house or an apartment?

One of my Bengali friends lives in a duplex in which his parents live in one half and he on the other. Or if you live in a flat could they move next door/a floor up or down/down the street but not in your unit so that they're near but not close enough to hear you party with lizards?

Post: #3

Keep adequate distance. What that is is deeply personal, but you want to be able to give them the support they need without them affecting the essentials of your life ie: they aren't moving in with you. How far away you want them to be is a deeply personal choice, but in any event, avoid costly entanglements.

Post: #4

(09-03-2014 09:09 PM)Goldin Boy Wrote:  I have no relationship with my parents but have friend with same problem as you...

Do you live in a house or an apartment?

One of my Bengali friends lives in a duplex in which his parents live in one half and he on the other. Or if you live in a flat could they move next door/a floor up or down/down the street but not in your unit so that they're near but not close enough to hear you party with lizards?

Currently I live in an apartment. I was thinking of the duplex option, however even that would be "too close." Houses in Boston are old and noise travels up or down units. Besides walking in with my chicas could be problematic.

Hmm, your post does give me a good idea though. There is a city, Worcester, that's about an hour away from Boston. The cost of living there is cheap (RE is like the Midwest). Maybe I can convince them to move out there. That way, I can still come by for Sunday dinner, chill with dad whenever I want to.

The only thing would be hurting their feelings. I could come up with two things:

- It's super expensive to rent/buy real estate in Boston.
- I can tell them that I need to focus evening classes (Masters) and need to be in Boston.

Gotta finesse this thing. I appreciate your response.

Post: #5

(09-03-2014 09:16 PM)Capitán Peligroso Wrote:  Keep adequate distance. What that is is deeply personal, but you want to be able to give them the support they need without them affecting the essentials of your life ie: they aren't moving in with you. How far away you want them to be is a deeply personal choice, but in any event, avoid costly entanglements.

Agreed. This thing could get ugly real fast, if they move in with me -- last thing I want to happen is for me to resent my parents. Right now they're 5 hours away -- if I cut the distance to an hour, I think that it will be the right mix.

Much appreciated!!

Post: #6

(09-03-2014 09:35 PM)BostonBMW Wrote:  Worcester

'Woostah' right?, any reason in particular you guys pronounce it like this?

Same building will most likely create a bit of tension, however an entire hour may be a bit far. You mentioned groceries and doctor's appointments and roughly a 2 hour tack-on to those chores is only one of the costs to pay for that distance. If I were you I'd keep Worcester (Hour drive away) as the maximum distance just to prevent headaches.

Post: #7

Unless yr pulling every weekend, getting a motel isn't a shabby idea

Though I still find it hard to believe that renting out a studio near Boston is that expensive
.

Post: #8

(09-03-2014 09:50 PM)Skye Wrote:  

(09-03-2014 09:35 PM)BostonBMW Wrote:  Worcester

'Woostah' right?, any reason in particular you guys pronounce it like this?

Same building will most likely create a bit of tension, however an entire hour may be a bit far. You mentioned groceries and doctor's appointments and roughly a 2 hour tack-on to those chores is only one of the costs to pay for that distance. If I were you I'd keep Worcester (Hour drive away) as the maximum distance just to prevent headaches.

Hah, yea the Woo is indeed pronounced that way. Bawston accent.

Good point on tacking on the time 2 hours both ways. I think I'll need to do more research on this. All things considered, they need to be close enough.

Thanks for the response -- this thing is still evolving and I need yo make a tight case to my parents.

Post: #9

(09-03-2014 10:07 PM)Cyclone Wrote:  Unless yr pulling every weekend, getting a motel isn't a shabby idea

Though I still find it hard to believe that renting out a studio near Boston is that expensive
.

I have a rotation of 3, with females dropping out and being added in - they get suspicious with a hotel/motel.

Boston rents are up there with SF/NYC., probably top 3 in the nation. In any case, what are you thinking with a studio? Do I rent out a place as a Bang palace? That shit could cost me $$. Please elaborate.

Post: #10

The obvious solution is live in the same city as them but in your own place. Whether that involves moving them to your city or you moving to theirs is up to you.

Post: #11

Try to rent two apartaments in the same floor. One for your parents another for you.

Post: #12

What about Quincy? It's a lot cheaper than boston and it's pretty close. My sisters apartment on beacon hill was pretty cheap as well.

Post: #13

I'm sure they will be bringing $ to the table so just rent a house with an inlaw apartment. Do they own the place they're in? If yes sell it and buy something that fits the bill.

You take the inlaw suite and enjoy all the middle eastern food you like.

Post: #14

(09-04-2014 01:25 AM)the-dream Wrote:  The obvious solution is live in the same city as them but in your own place. Whether that involves moving them to your city or you moving to theirs is up to you.

I can't really see myself moving out of Boston. Work, school, life is here. I am from this city, my parents moved away when I was younger.

Post: #15

(09-04-2014 10:27 AM)mmedeiros14 Wrote:  What about Quincy? It's a lot cheaper than boston and it's pretty close. My sisters apartment on beacon hill was pretty cheap as well.

Quincy MIGHT be viable. Not sure if you know/live in the area but Quincy has been a hot city, with a lot of people moving in, rents rising etc.

Beacon Hill? Unless your Sisters place was a super small studio or she shared it with others, is super expensive. It's one of the most expensive neighborhoods in the City!

Post: #16

(09-04-2014 10:41 AM)el mechanico Wrote:  I'm sure they will be bringing $ to the table so just rent a house with an inlaw apartment. Do they own the place they're in? If yes sell it and buy something that fits the bill.

You take the inlaw suite and enjoy all the middle eastern food you like.

Thanks for the response, El Mech.

Yes they are bring $ to the table but I feel like the in Law apartment might be too close. My mother could drop in without any problems and I'm not about to have my chica of the day hide, while mom is doing my dishes.

It'll have to be a different city/town but close enough for my parents/I to travel without any issues.

In terms of positives, I will be getting all the good home cooking that I want, will be able to spend quality time with both of them, make sure that they are comfortable. I just need to convince them that this is right move.

Between work, school, and the rotation of chicas, I'd like to be able to do my thing, yet spend some time with the parents as well. This seems like the most reasonable option.

Post: #17

Ok then get a place with them and use the $ they bring to rent a room with friends at a discount cause youll only use when you score some tail?

Post: #18

Brockton shouldn't be to bad either. Cumberland and central falls Rhode Island are a little closer than Worcester and their cheaper.(they're shit holes though). Fall River is the cheapest city I can think of and it's 45 min out of boston I believe. I grew up in New England and everywhere is expensive as fuck. You could rent a little house here in Florida with the annual taxes alone my family pays in Rhode Island.

Post: #19

Buy a three family fix project house with one good unit. Live in the second best and Reno then Reno the third and rent it out when it's done., if I remember you are in this biz so should be a slam dunk

Post: #20

(09-03-2014 09:50 PM)Skye Wrote:  'Woostah' right?, any reason in particular you guys pronounce it like this?

First name 'Bertie'.

Post: #21

Surprised no one else posted this:


This Be The Verse

By Philip Larkin


They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

Post: #22

I have had a few asian friends go through this. The first and most important step is to step out of the parents/child dynamic and be upfront and no bullshit about boundaries. Tell your dad about the pussy, and that he needs to put your mom in line should she try to cross it.

Second do what ElMech suggested. With family money comes the advantage of capital. People in places like Boston are used to living in complete shit holes for insane amounts of money. Buy a place and start renovating. Use family connections, family labour, child labour, anything to get the third unit rentable. By the time your folks pass on there should be a decent amount of rental income from a three unit place and you can use the equity to buy a place that has heat and straight walls.

Post: #23

(09-04-2014 07:59 PM)Rigsby Wrote:  Surprised no one else posted this:


This Be The Verse

By Philip Larkin


They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

That's retarded.

Post: #24

(09-04-2014 07:14 PM)el mechanico Wrote:  Ok then get a place with them and use the $ they bring to rent a room with friends at a discount cause youll only use when you score some tail?

Sorry for the delay in response.

Yes, that can definitely work.

Post: #25

(09-04-2014 07:19 PM)mmedeiros14 Wrote:  Brockton shouldn't be to bad either. Cumberland and central falls Rhode Island are a little closer than Worcester and their cheaper.(they're shit holes though). Fall River is the cheapest city I can think of and it's 45 min out of boston I believe. I grew up in New England and everywhere is expensive as fuck. You could rent a little house here in Florida with the annual taxes alone my family pays in Rhode Island.

My point exactly. I mean I want them to be close to me but also not living in dangerous hoods either. I am considering the South Shore as well.

We'll see what happens over the next few months. The RE market in Boston is out of control.