Post: #1

I think its important in being "charismatic" to make other people feel good about themselves. Its like when you are having a conversation with somebody and the other person keeps saying stuff like "Yes I agree with you, you know this, you are good at this" etc. I don't mean in a suck up way but generally being a nice person that people want to hang out again with since you are making them just feel good about themselves.

Anybody got some tricks or suggestions how to do it?

Post: #2

Where does your desire to make others feel good come from? For me, it must come from a genuine desire to do so. Some people are social vampires, some are egotistical, and a lot of goodwill can go unreciprocated. If someone is being selfish or disrespectful, I quickly lose interest in the interaction. But if someone is enjoyable to be around, I naturally want to be respectful with them. I can only say what works for me:

- Give them your undivided attention and listen to them. Ask genuine questions.
- Don't pull out and mess around on your phone unless you're expecting an important message
- Compliment things they do. "Thanks for offering to get the next round. It shows you're a considerate person."
- Pull your fair share, don't take their gestures for granted.
- Provide value where you can. Be funny, be kind, share useful information when they show interest, share stories, offer to show them around places you know well.
- Don't try to talk over them. Let them talk. In our age of social atomization genuine human interaction is rare, and many people are hungry to be heard.
- Don't be negative. Try to keep complaining to a minimum. Negativity is draining. I still struggle with this sometimes.

Post: #3

Go back to your basics. Everyone has more or less been apeing Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People, and it's a worthwhile text to peruse if only for this single nugget: Everyone wants to feel important. Make someone feel important and they'll feel good about themselves.

Post: #4

Find out what they are most interested in, act like a child in wonder. Be inquisitive. As subtle as possible compliment them about how they participate in that interest. Act like they are a magician with a great act mesmerizing you.

It could be an old man talking about playing dominos or a chick talking about how she shops for make up.

People for whatever reason can easily sniff out false direct compliments. Most people are too insecure to truly accept a direct compliment anyways. Indirect flattery works better.

People are very easily swayed when talking about things they care about, and they then associate that thing they most care about with you.

Post: #5

I find that if you can get someone to talk about something they are passionate about or an experience that had a big impact in their life, and you show that you are genuinely interested in that subject and their experience, they will feel great.

I think the reasons for this are two-fold. 1. People like to talk about things that they are experts about or things that have a deep importance to them. 2. People like to meet other people that they can relate to and have things in common with.

Edit: Paracelsus and Travesty nailed it.

More edit: As thoughgypsy says,

Quote:- Give them your undivided attention and listen to them. Ask genuine questions.

If you can get them to go deeper into what they are talking about, that's a good thing. E.g. If they are talking about a subject they like, you can ask them about the implications of certain statements. If they are talking about a life experience, you can ask them about the emotions they were feeling as they went through it (whether they were scared, were other people jealous and how did they react, etc.).

Post: #6

(12-14-2015 09:56 PM)Paracelsus Wrote:  Go back to your basics. Everyone has more or less been apeing Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People, and it's a worthwhile text to peruse if only for this single nugget: Everyone wants to feel important. Make someone feel important and they'll feel good about themselves.

There's one danger with the Dale Carnegie strategy. If you use it on people who are tedious, they'll never let go. They've finally find someone who will listen to them. In that scenario, the best approach is to do the opposite: disengage, deliberately showing no interest in what they're saying.

Post: #7

^ Haha.

Yes if you run into someone you don't know well yet and initially charm them go to MikeCF's / WestCoast's method when you find out they are a waste:

1) Nod, smile, agree, excuse yourself asap.
2) Never talk to again.

I have charmed tedious people I have felt bad for and given them much of my time hoping they would improve. Most do not. The person needs at least the seed inside themselves to want to improve their social skills.

You can tell the people that are genuine and want to improve when they meet a person that is better at socializing they will gladly let them gentlely take the lead in conversation so they can follow along. Tedious people cherish the lead and have no idea how bad they are at controlling conversation.

Post: #8

Charisma is something unique. It's very very hard I think to be charismatic without having "it". All of the advice above will help you be charming which is good but is not charisma.

Charisma is akin to being able to sell something. When it comes to charisma, I've found it's almost like someone else is driving the car so to speak then the actual individual.

I can be charismatic, but I have to believe in what I am selling.

Post: #9

Listen to them and ask question, you always know less than they know.

Post: #10

I'm a big fan of making people feel good about themselves. It opens doors for you, and honestly, I just like to see them light up.

Easiest, quickest way is a no-brainer. Give them a sincere compliment.

It's a gesture that can thaw the coldest of people; everyone's favorite subject is themselves.

If you want to be more subtle, ask them about their life and actually listen to their replies.

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it, you'll be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." - Rudyard Kipling

Post: #11

I wrote about this in another conversation thread and think it's appropriate for this one.

"People May Forget What You Said, But They Will Never Forget How You Made Them Feel"...,Carl Buechner

Being more cognizant of effect, and less on content is the key

/thread-51413...pid1141589

Post: #12

(12-14-2015 09:56 PM)Paracelsus Wrote:  Go back to your basics. Everyone has more or less been apeing Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People, and it's a worthwhile text to peruse if only for this single nugget: Everyone wants to feel important. Make someone feel important and they'll feel good about themselves.

Always found Dale's text to be too cliché and simplistic, though that nugget is gold.

Question is: how do you make people feel important?

And I agree that it is very hard to fake that, unless the person you are dealing with is shallow and unimportant.

Post: #13

Give genuine complements and maybe go on to say why you find what they said or did to be commendable or interesting.

As with game, inner confidence is key. If you don't believe in what you are saying, you will be pegged as a sycophant. It's not the most Machiavellian thing to say but being true to yourself and to others is integral.

Post: #14

Post: #15

Agree with the posters.

Give them a sincere compliment, could be the way they are dressed, accessory or anything.
Smile, make eye contact.
Be genuinely interested in people, be charming, ask about them, their life, listen to them.
Be positive, be enthusiastic, be easy-going, relaxed, friendly.

Their are some good books out there, How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie and How to talk to anyone are very good books.