Post: #1

Hello everyone,

I am creating this thread as a means to express myself to people who I hope can relate, offer crucial and much needed advice as well as deal me harsh truths should such be needed.

I write everything here with a heavy heart, one so torn and ravaged it beats uncomfortably in my sunken chest. But know it is all the truth, nothing will be held back and I wouldn't dare disrespect this place or its members by even attempting any deception.

My name is not important but what is ... The hole I am in.

I am a 27 year old man living at home with his parents in Ireland. I will be 28 soon and feel the sands of time slipping through my fingers, as if I am relegated to sit idly by and bitterly swallow all possible realities perish.

I have fallen in love with a woman who I can't have a future with. She is 42 years old, has tattoos, has slept with somewhere in the region of 15-18 different men and who has broken my heart more than once.

I do not know why I fell in love with this woman so deeply, oneitis has gripped my very soul and won't let go. My heart longs for her and my mind obsesses. She was and somewhat still is my world and primary driving factor.

I am unemployed, never really had a job to be honest. Went to college and got a unusable degree in arts because it was the easy option. Also am afflicted with relatively severe scoliosis, a small skeletal frame, poor sinuses, almost inept digestion and had a lung removed. So all in all, I am not the best.

Lost my virginity at 18, slept around to avoid intimacy with women and never tried good girls because of a fear of rejection from those I valued. Came across Rachel (the name I will give her here for some privacy) around 4 years ago now.

It began as just sex but I developed feelings quickly. The sex is amazing and the connection like none I have ever had with another human being before. Safe to say she is in deep.

I do not want to bore you with every little detail - just know we began as fuck buddies, then became bf and gf. I kept her as much a secret as possible. Never let her meet my friends, family or wouldn't go out in our local town with her either. Have met some of her family and went away together to foreign countries. Many amazing times have been shared together.

Was always angry, jealous and insecure about her past and the men in it though. It ate away at me more and more as time went on. The more I found out the worse it got. Over a year ago I broke up with her on a Friday, packed up my stuff and left.

Except we never cut contact, had sex occasionally and would talk about being together. Found out tonight she had sex with a man while we were broken up. She slept with him several times. We were talking about getting back together and giving it a proper go.

However, here is where it gets really twisted ... I have never intended on getting back together with her. I am truly ashamed and embarrassed that I've fallen for such a woman and that I can't seem to do any better. I will never be a public, proper couple with her. It's an impossibility.

Throughout our relationship also I cheated on her MANY times and gave her chlamydia twice - which I convinced her was her fault. In fairness, the first time it may well have been.

You might wonder what's the issue here? Well since I have broken up with her I have been plagued with a dark, malevolent and viscous depression which has me contemplating suicide almost daily.

Frighteningly, this darkness subsides when I am with her. Her presence, love and support makes the world seem somewhat tolerable and I can breathe.

Have been seeing a counselor since we broke up which doesn't seem to help and am in a dangerously bad place. Counselor and two close friends know of my suicidal mindset.

It is hard to explain, but the desire to end it all seems the only logical explanation and I do not believe that this life can be something for me. I come from a home with both parents incase anyone is wondering if I am the product of a single mother.

With regards to my ex Rachel - I am manipulative, vindictive, cunning, loving, supportive, masculine, childlike and a host of other adjectives in between.

I know not who or what I am. Pain defines me. I see no way out. No hope.

I write this thread to bare all. Not seeking to be judged, abused, coddled, ridiculed or congratulated. I simply must bare all to an audience I have respect for. No longer can I permit this all to exist solely within my mind, eating away at my soul like a cancer.

If you have taken the time to read all of this I must thank you sincerely.
If a mod wants to delete this thread I will respect that also.
Also, if it is in the wrong section I aplogize in advance.


Cliff Notes:-
Oneitis with 42 year old slut who I kept as a secret gf for years.
Deep suicidal depression after breaking up with her and it only goes away when I'm around her.
Am very physically and mentally messed up.
See no way out.

Post: #2

Hey man look on the bright side, you gave Rachel an STD and she still stayed with you, that’s some tight game right there.

Post: #3

Hey bruh, take a step back and lurk around. You can learn from guys on this forum that have been through some major challenges, some worse than yours. Don't get involved with the old skank, and find something, anything that you enjoy in life and focus on that.

Until then, as a Noob you shouldn't be creating threads like this.

Post: #4

Trolls gonna troll, obvious female. All it needed was a Friend's gif in it.

Post: #5

Are you Malaysian Chinese by chance? This story seems very familiar

Post: #6

On the off chance this isn't a gag, here's your antidote:

1) Time: Dating a lot of women will teach you that MOST are skanks who behave the exact same way this one does. Once you realize that most women are basic and predictable, two good things happen. One is that you simply can't have deep feelings for such a common, predictable creature. The other is that you appreciate the (very very few) good women you may run into. But even if you marry one of those, you'll never tie your happiness to being with her. If she leaves, you yawn. The reason is that most women have the emotional consistency of a six year-old. Hanging your mental health on THAT is obviously stupid, and its beneath you.
2) Get help for whatever "physical" issues are bothering you. It sounds like you may other stuff going on - addiction, whatever. It wouldn't hurt to hit the gym every day. Stop being a little pussy and pick up a weight.
3) Hit the pause button on the thinking. The fact that you see "no way out", despite the fact that there is nothing really hanging over your head - no prison time, no 18 years of child support payments, no cancer - tells you that your perspective button is broken. So give it some rest and just stop thinking so much.

In short, keep your pecker up -you have no real problem and there's a stadium full of guys who would trade places with you. You've just caught a nasty little oneitis virus. Eventually you will become immune to it. Its no big deal, lots of us have been there.

Post: #7

Cheer up my Irish friend.

As we say in the USA "you do you, girl"

Take some time and deal with your health issues. You can't feel completely good if you're in as much physical pain as you may be. Go see Sheamus O'chiropractor and get that scoliosis fixed. As far as the lung goes, I don't know, get a transplant.

Once you feel better physically you'll feel better mentally.

You got me in your corner buddy.

Aloha!

Post: #8

To cheer yourself up, why not bike across the country? And after lunch, you can ride back again!

Post: #9

(08-15-2018 09:22 PM)The Father Wrote:  On the off chance this isn't a gag, here's your antidote:

1) Dating a lot of women will teach you that MOST are skanks who behave the exact same way this one does. Once you realize that most women are basic and predictable, two good things happen. One is that you simply can't have deep feelings for such a common, predictable creature. The other is that you appreciate the (very very few) good women you may run into. But even if you marry one of those, you'll never tie your happiness to being with her. If she leaves, you yawn. The reason is that most women have the emotional consistency of a six year-old. Hanging your mental health on THAT is obviously stupid, and its beneath you.

This is the timeless gem that I had to learn in the last few years.
It's sad when you realize it, but life was never all fun and games for men who are after the truth.

Post: #10

Thank you for your advice "The Father", I appreciate it and am taking on board what you have said.

I assure the rest of you I am not a troll.

Also, thanks to everyone else who has posted positive messages - it is greatly appreciated.

Post: #11

Hey Ryoto,

If this old skank genuinely makes you happy, why don't you just be with her? I assume she must make you happy, if she is the only thing in this world making your suicidalness subside.

Are you ashamed of her because of what others think? Who gives a fuck what others think, do what makes you happy.

If you are ashamed of her due to the expectations you have put on yourself... well... are they really your own standards or just more internalised projections of what you think others expect?

If they really are your own standards, surely it is odd that she is so enjoyable?

That shit I just wrote is rambling but you get the point

Post: #12

You never developed the ability to create your own happiness. Instead, like every brainwashed westerner, you've surrendered that power to someone else. When you give someone the power to dictate your happiness, you give them the power to take it away.

Why is this written as some shocking revelation?

Post: #13

Hey Ryoto, reading your post was one of the most surreal moments I've had on this forum. We're the same country, almost the same age, and more than just that. I was lost in the wilderness for years with health issues and still am to an extent, I can't write a long post at the moment, but you can PM if you have any questions.

Post: #14

This is a gradual project man, self improvement. Take it in steps.

Step 1: Secure employment. If that's not possible get in school/ training/ apprenticeship immediately to open up your options. There's no excuse here for not occupying your day with something productive. Limit internet use if necessary.
Step 2: Get out of your parent's house. The sooner the better. Maybe even leave your town if you really need a fresh start. Only do it when you have the means to support yourself.
Step 3: Work on your health. I can't be of much help here given your health issues, but start working out daily if possible. Initially it's a pain, but you'll feel better about yourself after a few months. (I'm assuming you don't have any drug/ alcohol issues, but if you do, cut out the bad habits).
Step 4: Only at this point do you worry about women. Employment, health, good social habits and even a hobby will make you more interesting.

Post: #15

You live in ireland, thats your problem.

Post: #16

Genre: Formal
Female = 2056
Male = 1146
Difference = -910; 35.79%
Verdict: FEMALE

Post: #17

What the Father wrote is absolutely Bang on... and would fallow what he wrote to a T. After you get your shit together & feel better... Writing might be part of your future my man! When I started to read your post... I felt like I was reading a published book! Crisp sentences vividly displaying your depressed state! Just food for taught for when you're ready my friend.

Post: #18

Take a trip to Mexico, your depression will be cured in 1 day

Post: #19

(08-16-2018 11:40 AM)Mikestar Wrote:  Take a trip to Mexico, your depression will be cured in 1 day

Yep, pretty hard to be depressed after you've been disemboweled by a random cartel

Post: #20

Get a job and start building a life around your own agenda and the old tatted-up skank will lose all meaning.

Right now, you're the equivalent of an old man bitterly feuding with the grocery store manager over their refusal to accept an expired coupon. The coupon feels extremely important because it is the only thing in your life.

Your career is over, your kids are gone. It's all about this fucking coupon, and you aren't leaving until they give you twenty-five cents off the cat food you're going to have to eat tonight because you failed to save for retirement.

The coupon is expired, though. It belongs in the trash. This is all a fight about nothing.

Get a life and you will see things from a more honest perspective, and come to resent this clattering cum disposal's demands on your time.

...and at 42, that's what she is. She is not the future mother of your children. She is not your spirited muse. She will not be there to help you when you're a tired old man with tired old eyes and ears. She's something that you cum into and will only rapidly decline as her needs for your help increase, and you are not in a position to help anyone. You're jobless and live with your parents. This is a charity project you should not be investing in. Tend your own garden.

Your health is your health. I would recommend the gym as a starting point for depression/anxiety. This is not a clinical solution and I can't speak to whether or not it's contraindicated by any of your other health issues, but you will find that an hour of weightlifting has surprising mood-enhancing properties.

Post: #21

I too have made the mistake of falling for an older women. We found each other when we were both in dark places of our lives so it seemed like we made each other happy...but I quickly realized she knew she was older then me (something every man should think about before dating a woman older then them) and would inject that into every facet of the relationship.

Like all the guys were saying and what my doc told me. Hit the gym. It doesn't have to be 600 kilogram deadlifts, just start with 30 mins of cardio and some light weights. Do that for a few weeks and you will feel way better.

If you need a friend to chat with, feel free to PM me. It seems we are in similar stages in life and the same age.

Post: #22

Many years ago, a friend of mine was living with a much older woman. She was an ugly drunk with a bad temper, a foulmouthed and bitter woman chewed up and spit out by life. My friend, although very intelligent, apparently accepted the situation. Maybe because he was shy, not good looking, rich, or jacked, or because he never had a girlfriend before. I don't know everything that happened in between, but today he is a millionaire, runs his own business out of his opulent home, has a cute, younger wife and a couple of kids. I don't know exactly how he got out of the toxic relationship he had way back then, but one thing I know for damn sure is that he never for even one moment regrets getting rid of that princess of darkness. Ditch the bitch!

Post: #23

Quote:contraindicated

Quote:verbMEDICINE
past tense: contraindicated; past participle: contraindicated
(of a condition or circumstance) suggest or indicate that (a particular technique or drug) should not be used in the case in question.

...and I continue to learn more from every Jetset post.

Post: #24

Let's start with the things working in your favor:

1: You're still young. At 28 you have plenty of time to turn your life around. It won't happen over night, but take solace in the fact that it can be done! Even better, you can do it.

2: You recognize you are having a problem and are reaching out for help. That's the first step to changing your life for the better.

So, what are you going to do? Luckily, this is an area I'm very familiar with.

1: The first and most important thing you need to do is outline all the pain points/problems in your life. So far it looks like:

-You need gainful employment/a career track that you like.
-Your body is in a less than ideal place
-You're lacking a direction in life
-Your women situation isn't ideal

Etc.

Once you have these listed, you need to write down EVERY step it's going to take to change those situations, and the resolve to pay the price. You mention yours is a life of pain. In the words of Jocko Willink (Navy SEAL and all around badass)

"Good"

There's going to be more pain ahead. If pain defines you, then you're already miles ahead of those who have never experienced the deep and soul crushing hurt you feel right now. Pain is your strength. Understand that it will be painful to take steps towards fixing the problems in your life. You've survived this, and you will survive even when it fucking burns as you pull yourself up by the bootstraps.

2: Once you've taken the actions required to address the areas of pain in your life, you need to get the eff out of Ireland for a little bit. Ireland is a depressing morass half the time. I have no idea how people live there. Travel somewhere warm and exotic. I promise you, it will light a fire under your ass that you'll need to keep attacking other areas in your life.

3: Stay away from women. When you're struggling, women hinder as much as they help. I shouldn't need to elaborate on this one.

4: In order to change your thinking, you need to change what is going into your brain. That's going to mean building an entirely new identity. Start with reading. Read books such as Maximum Achievement, Extreme Ownership, How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World, etc.

Progress this into making friends that share a growth mindset. It's really fucking hard to be depressed when you've got a dream and are working towards making it a reality every day. There's a reason they use a ship without a rudder as an analogy for depression.

5: Do the fucking work. It's going to take a LONG time. You will face setbacks. It will suck at times. The good news is, with hard work and effort you will get a little bit better every day. Before long, you'll be hooked on the law of momentum. Once something gets rolling, it's easier to keep rolling and even easier to roll faster. That's why gains are slow at first, and then come rapidly.

Good luck. Spend some time with us here, if you're not a troll, you will find one of the most supportive communities of men anywhere on this Earth. We're behind you brother. Welcome to RVF.

Post: #25

Ryoto, if your self talk is even remotely similar your initial post, cut that shit out!

Stuff like "a heavy heart, one so torn and ravaged it beats uncomfortably in my sunken chest" is pure poison. Not only is it negative, but it also gives a visual to how shitty you feel, which in turn makes you feel more shitty. A man of arts (literary?) surely gets that.

We all have our oneitis stories. Instead of dwelling on it, follow the advice folks have given you here. A bit of work will take you a long way. Then, your accent alone will get you laid in some places, you lucky Irish bastard!