Post: #26

Thanks for the additional comments.

Another morning of waking up in a tense anger thinking about her.

Questor70 - I have no idea, I'm just taking this day by day at this point. My anger is just intensifying though. One of the only comforting thoughts is to abandon interest in the whole marriage/kids plan. II'm looking into seeing a professional about it.

Post: #27

when the red pill crosses the blood/brain barrier you will not be blaming a woman for these problems. you will love them and realize they cant help themselves.

Post: #28

It's fine to privately think hateful thoughts--but don't try to exact any sort of revenge otherwise you'll wind up with a restraining order or worse.

Post: #29

This is an almost necessary stage a lot of men in our time inevitably go through to de-program themselves from being a sucker who gives and gives and gives to women in the hopes of winning her favor. Sacrificing tons of time, energy, emotion, and resources to women is not the ticket to winning her heart or making yourself happy. You'll also learn that being mad a women for taking advantage of your weakness is like being mad a dog for being a dog.

We live in selfish times, and selfish times call for selfish measures. This is not the 1950's. Women aren't raised to find a husband to cook, clean, and make babies for right after highschool anymore. Western culture is very focused on individualism, so everyone will always be looking out for #1.

You fucked up because you compromised a lot of yourself for a woman. Protip: women hate that and moreover - it's a serious detriment to your life personally aside from your relationship. Case in point, you are now in a professional and financial rut. You don't have your ex-girl to blame for that; only yourself. No one held a gun to your head and made you blow tons of money or quit your job or whatever else you decided to do for the sake of your 1-year relationship.

Once you start getting your life back in order, the next thing you need to work on is the next step which is learning how to keep your priorities in check with women going forward. What is it that you want with women? Start there. You want to find a wife to have children with? That is fine, and I'm not even going to suggest you fly to some far-off third world country to do it, I'm just going to suggest that you learn to keep your emotions in-check and be smart about how you invest yourself in the women you meet/date. Learn what red flags and deal breakers to look out for. Learn that YOU come first ALWAYS. Be about yourself not about your girl or your relationship.

Post: #30

MaceTyrell,

It's good that you have offered some more detail in regards to your situation. It can be hard to spill your guts openly, however you will not only get more useful and calibrated advice, you will get a lot of respect from the readership and myself for your openness (assuming you do some work to improve your situation, that is). With this in mind, I've noted a few, actionable suggestions for you to consider below.

Social

{1} Meet up with some RVF homies

In my experience there is nobody -- aside perhaps from a qualified "red-pilled" psychologist -- who can give you better advice or a listening ear than fellow game-aware men from RVF, PUA groups or similar tribes. You can start by posting in the NYC meetup thread, just keep in mind some of my tips in regards to setting up a meet.

(03-15-2017 08:42 AM)MaceTyrell Wrote:  My anger is just intensifying though.... I'm looking into seeing a professional about it.

This could be very useful. If you find a male psychologist that is also aware of principles of seduction tactics and advanced relationship management then you have hit the jackpot.

Bro, even though I've been in the game for 14 years and am now in a relationship, I still enjoy regular chats (some in person, some over the phone) with my long-time wingman and mentors. Check out this post by Roosh: "Your Internet Friends Can’t Duplicate Real-Life Human Connection", and the fun stories from Irish, like the "Big Guns Meetup". For a man to have the best in life, he must have a brotherhood. So put yourself out there, and have FUN!



By the way, don't just believe me, the science says so too:

Siedlecki, et al Wrote:Subjective well-being (SWB), thought to comprise a cognitive-judgmental dimension reflecting life satisfaction and an emotional evaluation characterized by positive and negative affect, has been linked to... larger social rewards, better work outcomes, greater coping abilities, better immune systems, to be more cooperative, pro-social, and charitable and to live longer than individuals who are not happy
[..]
One of the most consistent predictors of SWB is the quality of social relationships. People who have satisfying relationships report feeling happy more frequently and sadness less frequently, and report being more satisfied with their lives than those who do not have satisfying relationships

Source

Fowler, et al Wrote:While there are many determinants of happiness, whether an individual is happy also depends on whether others in the individual’s social network are happy. Happy people tend to be located in the centre of their local social networks and in large clusters of other happy people. The happiness of an individual is associated with the happiness of people up to three degrees removed in the social network. Happiness, in other words, is not merely a function of individual experience or individual choice but is also a property of groups of people.

Source

{2} Increase your social contact

Similarly, reach out to your social circle, add some value there, and say yes to any social invitations. Further, consider how to leverage your lifestyle/interests -- e.g., if you like hiphop go to a hiphop dance class. Keep up your regular incidental approaching (of attractive chicks) and socialising for its own sake (with everyone) wherever you go.

{3} Keep Mackin

Once you meet some like-minded players, head to the clubs once a week and have some fun. Although I see clubbing as a necessary trial-by-fire for new players, in this case I suggest doing it with some wingman as it will be far more enjoyable. Clubbing can be draining at times and therefore should be done in moderation if you're trying to stay positive.

Online game can likewise be rough unless you're looks/height are a distinct advantage so at this point I am not recommending it for anything more than an occasional source of distracting entertainment.

One key benefit of focusing on incidental approaching, social circle development and lifestyle/vocational avenues, is that you will tend to meet women who are more genuine, down-to-earth and trustworthy as opposed to focusing on hitting the clubs and doing online game.

That said...

I have only passed through NYC so cannot offer any authoritative thoughts on the city, however from my own short experience and reading that of others at RVF and elsewhere, I can conclude that: Generally speaking, for a man with reasonable game/looks/status, NYC can be great for banging out a lot (i.e., high quantity) but LESS SO for deep, meaningful relationships (i.e., low quality). This seems to be particularly relevant in the age of the ultimate choice-maximiser for women, tinder. So, although there are many many good girls in the world, I am also realistic about the amount of wifey-material chicks around your hood. No doubt, one of my keys to happiness = low expectations.

Going through a rough break up after over-investing is quite normal for a young man -- indeed I've been there myself. As General Stalin notes:

(03-15-2017 12:48 PM)General Stalin Wrote:  This is an almost necessary stage a lot of men in our time inevitably go through to de-program themselves from being a sucker who gives and gives and gives to women in the hopes of winning her favor. Sacrificing tons of time, energy, emotion, and resources to women is not the ticket to winning her heart or making yourself happy.
...
be smart about how you invest yourself in the women you meet/date. Learn what red flags and deal breakers to look out for. Learn that YOU come first ALWAYS...

Yep - take your time in the future before investing in women financially and emotionally. Don't take dating so seriously for now and have some light, detached fun, perhaps through some same-night or low-investment bangs with a couple of randoms. If they show potential for being "decent enough", slot them into a FB rotation while you keep on mackin. As Juicy J says, "they for everybody"...





And when you do meet a woman who you think is solid and worthwhile, nonetheless make sure you are not afraid to walk away if your standards aren't met. As a primer on screening, here's one example of how to screen for red flags or green lights from TravelerKai's incredible datasheet.

(08-05-2014 08:16 PM)TravelerKai Wrote:  Good and Bad Girls:

Positives:
[...]
9. Comes from a good family that is complete with a mother and father. (+5 points)
10. Would refuse to shave her pussy hair, even if you requested. (+5 points)
11. Always returns to her hometown for Chinese New Year (+5 points)
12. Very filial to their parents (+10 points)
13. Virgin (+10 points) add 5 points if Virgin between 18-24
14. Takes care of grandparents that are rude or mean without complaints (+15 points)

Negatives:

[...]
50. Has had more than 15 sexual partners before 25 years of age (-15 points)
51. Pushes old people in public lines hard (-20 points)
52. Slaps and fights men (-20 points)
53. Hair is as short as a boy’s haircut or nearly bald (-20 points)
54. Cries loudly/fights in public when she does not get what she wants (-20 points)
55. Is an er nai or xiao san for a married Chinese man (-40 points)
56. Ever worked as a sex worker or xiaojie (-50 points)

(click the link above to see the full list and explanation of the context)

By all means go and bang out - one of the best cures for oneitis is getting fresh lays. Just remember to enjoy it while it lasts, as ultimately such pleasures are fleeting. Indeed, the short-lasting pleasure from even a massive amount of bangs cannot come close to the deep satisfaction of being with one special woman.



Physical

{4} Sleep/eat/move: keep it healthy

Maintain a regular sleeping pattern, eat more unprocessed and healthy foods, and get some regular exercise - ideally 3-4 weekly weightlifting sessions at the gym along with some cardio on the side. This may sound like trite, well-worn advice. The truth is, however, that sometimes the most simple advice is the best, and that just because people know what to do, it doesn't mean they actually do it.

If you sleep, eat and exercise well on a regular basis, you will experience great benefits not just in terms of your physical health, but also your mental health and emotional resilience. For me, I LOVE having a good night's sleep, hitting the gym and then having a massive chicken salad. For me, weightlifting is meditation -- when I am lifting some heavy iron I am 100% in the moment. There is no space to think of the future or the past. This is pure presence.



Mental/emotional

{5} Take a more conscious approach to managing your own thoughts and feelings.

Without having detailed knowledge of your cognitive-emotional experiences and processes at this point, I cannot offer much in the way of detailed advice. That said, here are a few pointers to get you started:

Resources:

** Remember, the map is not the territory. As General Stalin and Dalaran suggested - take some ownership of your own situation and accept that much of what you're going through is due to your own choices, whilst understanding that you have the power to improve things.
** Have a read of Overcoming the Rating Game - here's the forward by Albert Ellis
** Check out thread by Dusty: Book Study: A Guide to Rational Living.



Tips:

** Stay BUSY with something that gives you a sense of competence, meaning and/or achievement. This will keep your mind on the present activity or oriented towards the future rather than in the past. It will also give you a sense of intrinsic motivation, meaningfulness and self-respect.
** Avoid the doom-and-gloom postings; don't forget H1N1's advice on The dangers of the red pill.
** Get rid of EVERYTHING that could remind you of her and, where feasible, avoid doing things that are associated with her.
** Read this thread by Mr Lemon: I had a heart attack and remember that anger destroys your body. As your anger is rooted in the past, practice acceptance and detachment through regular meditation such as mindfulness and breathing exercises.
** Before you go to sleep each night, write down 3 things you are grateful for in a 'gratitude diary'. See Guriko's "I am thankful for" thread for some inspiration.

Financial/Professional

{6} Change it up

If you've been unemployed for several months and you are not getting much luck in terms of interviews or even feedback on your applications, I would consider changing something about your approach.

This could mean not just changing your resume or method of approaching employers, but also doing volunteer work in the short-term if your finances permit it. I recommend considering some unpaid work as a stepping stone towards paid employment in your area of choice. You can stay busy, enjoy socialising, make professional contacts, develop your skills, improve your confidence, enhance your resume, and get a reference. Most of these things will make you more employable.

Otherwise, if you need some cash, I suggest thinking about getting a 'survival job', perhaps on a casual/part-time basis, while you keep applying for jobs more aligned with your long-term goals.

In closing

{7} Keep it simple

As all of this may seem overwhelming, I encourage you to do the following:

** Be gentle and patient with yourself; self-mastery is a marathon not a sprint, and post-breakup healing can take time.
** Reward yourself for any small gains and savour the progress, no matter how incremental.
** Write out your top goals in each of the above areas (social/physical/mental/financial/vocational) and stick it in clear sight from your most-frequented spot like your computer desk. (Here's a cheat-sheet to goal-setting below.)

Post: #31

Hi Mace

Top advice given here. I can't add to it apart from my experience. Divorce about 4 years after long term marriage. Lost half including some pre marriage stuff which pissed me off but I took the lawyers advice to not get into fight although very hard at times.
Then got tied up with a crazy, ended that. Then 4 months with someone who seemed fine. Turned out to be another bitch.
Anyway after that I just thought bugger them all and went 100% into my hobbies and work (self employed). Had a red pill zero fucks given mindset.

Now I have a foreign born partner who is great couldn't be happier after two years. She is wealthy as well not that that matters as I don't ever want a cent of another persons money. I keep frame and don't tolerate the odd shit test even the good women seem to be prone to.
So somehow don't let it eat you up, shit its hard at times but move on like the guys say. Things can go from shit to pretty good fairly quick.
Good luck with it all.

Post: #32

Thanks for the helpful advice everyone.