Post: #1

Hey guys, need some advice and help on this issue I've been dealing with lately.

I seem to come across as a shy person to some but confident to others?

I believe I don't have any issue with talking and gaming women. I am able to cold approach during the day and night and open to close fine with decent consistency. These girls mention that I am confident. So, I don't see that as an issue of confidence in that area. But, this could be biased as they know me personally, possibly.

From others I've been told that I come across as reserved and shy. When my perception of the social situation was different. Interesting dynamic to me as my internal perception is different to what other people see me as.

I do have doubts sometimes when entering social situations, just general anxiety of if I will come across as awkward or cool. Could it be a self esteem issue or a belief in oneself?

This is something that I want to change as my work and relations requires me to come across correctly and not wrongly. Any advice is appreciated, thanks.

Post: #2

My guess is you've got gamma traits and so are more comfortable talking to strangers(cold approach) than most guys, but less comfortable in a social circle situation.

I could be completely off base but I don't know much about you.

Post: #3

Can you elaborate on what 'gamma traits' means?

Post: #4

Basically, in this case gamma traits are those that are perfectly okay talking to strangers. Like, you do cold approach and talk to and vibe with girls well one on one.

You also don't sound like you have a regular social circle, of guys/girls who know you well enough to discuss this with. Do you know the term "beta orbiter"? That's the classic beta wanting to be friends with the girl, partly because he wants to fuck her, but also partly because he enjoys being social/friends and having a social circle. That's the opposite of what a gamma wants.

Can you say what type of people you seem shy to, and what type of people you seem confident to? If I'm right, you'd seem more confident in a cold approach/stranger type scenario and more shy in social circle. My advice is to be more authentic and true to yourself in social circles, even if that makes you seem more different to others. Just if you're gamma you're probably giving a weirder vibe than betas do- so keep that in check as well. Though again, I don't know you well enough to know for sure.

Post: #5

Don't take this alpha bêta scale too seriously, you need re adjust your internal self to how others see you.

Ex: You think you're cool but people keep telling you're weird, this will cause you internal turmoil so you have to take the feedback from the closest people around you who know you the best (usually relatives/professors/close friends) and ask them how they see you and tell them to be as frank as possible, this can be hard to hear but truth usually bring joy.

This is the same approach for someone who live in his head and want to work in sales :
You're setting yourself up for failure because you're going against your core self.

Now if you can work on yourself and do the actions that will get you the feedback you want, you'll improve in matter of weeks, keep in mind that change is painful.

Post: #6

I think it's more of a general anxiety issue of trying to perform in social situations. I want to do well in the social situation and that makes me more reserved as to not fuck up and tread carefully, I guess.

This is for example during a job interview or coming in for a job and not knowing the people and trying to do my best. Think my anxiety in this situation clouds my judgement of the social situation.

I actually started reading 'A Guide to Rational Living', yesterday and already been half way through it. It has cleared a few things already.

Post: #7

Just be true to yourself. Have a firm handshake. Speak confidently when you do speak. And don't beat yourself up when you make social faux passes.

Remember, some of those people who called you shy may have picked up on the fact that you consider it a negative and want to cut you down. Girls not interested in you will call you shy as a negative to push you away.

There is nothing wrong with being shy. It is often an advantage. Shy people don't make fools of themselves in important situations.

And everybody gets nervous in important situations like interviews. Your nervousness shows that you are a normal person, not a psychopath. So be happy about that.

If it really bothers you, start with building a simple habit to put your mind at ease. In every conversation try to make 1 good point. Don't put pressure on yourself to be the center of attention. Just focus on finding that 1 good point to make and count it as a success. From there you should be able to grow.

Good luck.

Post: #8

^^^ is good.

Introspection is good from time to time but too much is like trying to drive while looking at yourself in the rear view mirror.

It's not easy but try to shift your focus away from yourself and onto others and the situation in front of you.

Stop analysing youself in realtime, judging your own comments or actions as good or bad, let others do that as they will probably be far less critical than your own inner judge!

Its passive behaviour and you will come across as unsure of yourself causing others to be unsure of you too.

You will also be more easily influenced and lose social power which is what I think you are after in certain situations.

Try to almost forget about yourself, about doing anything right or wrong (because barring the extremes there is no objective right or wrong, there is just you)

Once you do your mind will be clearer to fully engage with people and the flow of conversations going on, rather than mentally observing everything from the outside, wondering what you 'should' say or do next.

You will fuck up, but keep going and take cues from people on the hoof and calibrate.
Don't retreat into your head every time you do and you will learn to fuck up less and less.

If some people really don't connect with the real you, that's ok, just move on and keep looking for people that do.

The more you can express your authentic self tho, the more people will like you, not for who you are or aren't, but just for simply being an authentic individual.

This positive reinforcement will cause you to like yourself more so you relax and express yourself more, leading to being liked more in a kind of virtuous circle.

The more comfortable you become in your own skin, the more power you will have in social situations.

For me this has grown with age.

Post: #9

(09-23-2016 05:53 AM)TornadoByProxy Wrote:  Just be true to yourself. Have a firm handshake. Speak confidently when you do speak. And don't beat yourself up when you make social faux passes.

Remember, some of those people who called you shy may have picked up on the fact that you consider it a negative and want to cut you down. Girls not interested in you will call you shy as a negative to push you away.

There is nothing wrong with being shy. It is often an advantage. Shy people don't make fools of themselves in important situations.

And everybody gets nervous in important situations like interviews. Your nervousness shows that you are a normal person, not a psychopath. So be happy about that.

If it really bothers you, start with building a simple habit to put your mind at ease. In every conversation try to make 1 good point. Don't put pressure on yourself to be the center of attention. Just focus on finding that 1 good point to make and count it as a success. From there you should be able to grow.

Good luck.

(09-26-2016 01:05 PM)MediumRare Wrote:  ^^^ is good.

Introspection is good from time to time but too much is like trying to drive while looking at yourself in the rear view mirror.

It's not easy but try to shift your focus away from yourself and onto others and the situation in front of you.

Stop analysing youself in realtime, judging your own comments or actions as good or bad, let others do that as they will probably be far less critical than your own inner judge!

Its passive behaviour and you will come across as unsure of yourself causing others to be unsure of you too.

You will also be more easily influenced and lose social power which is what I think you are after in certain situations.

Try to almost forget about yourself, about doing anything right or wrong (because barring the extremes there is no objective right or wrong, there is just you)

Once you do your mind will be clearer to fully engage with people and the flow of conversations going on, rather than mentally observing everything from the outside, wondering what you 'should' say or do next.

You will fuck up, but keep going and take cues from people on the hoof and calibrate.
Don't retreat into your head every time you do and you will learn to fuck up less and less.

If some people really don't connect with the real you, that's ok, just move on and keep looking for people that do.

The more you can express your authentic self tho, the more people will like you, not for who you are or aren't, but just for simply being an authentic individual.

This positive reinforcement will cause you to like yourself more so you relax and express yourself more, leading to being liked more in a kind of virtuous circle.

The more comfortable you become in your own skin, the more power you will have in social situations.

For me this has grown with age.

Thanks for the replies guys. These two posts are completely on point. I think I am too hard on myself and I do judge social interactions to a micro level where it gets to the point of over-analyzing. This is in real time and after, I tend to remunerate on things days after, which gets too much sometimes and I tend to only realize it when I'm conscious of it.

It would depend on the day but there are some days where I act confidently but after days of essentially filling my head with shit there would be days where I am a bit off. What you said about retreating in my head is true and I will now be aware of it and be more in the present and not delve on social situations. Yes, that mental observing is a real killer for me.