Post: #1

Hey guys

About four months ago I met this incredible woman. Walked into the local watering hole, called Lucky's bar. Every Wednesday night is wet tee shirt night. After about my 10th beer I noticed this foxy little thing with nice cans. Turns out she won the wet tee shirt contest again for the 15th week straight. Good for her!! But, she seems really friendly with the staff. No big deal I guess. We fell madly in love that night. I can still remember it like it was yesterday. Making sweet love all night with Ozzy crankin in the background.

Fast forward 4 months later. I'm starting to think maybe I rushed into things to fast. There are acouple red flags I wanted to get your thoughts on.

She was in the Navy for 4 years. Has acouple tattoos. 1 on her lower back with an angel with horns. Says the tattoo artist made a mistake ( he's also her ex ). 1 on her buttocks that says, what happens at sea stays at sea, with a wink. 1 on her shoulder that says Big Al. But, her dads name is Al. Wierd..and she also has a tatoo of an anchor on her arm. Says U.S.N.

Al her friends are guys on facebook. I started looking on facebook and they all make references about her being the ship macot. Also, whenever we go grocery shopping and walk past the deli and see the packets of big sausages she gets this strange look on her face and makes comments about the good old days.

All my friends really like her alot. Whenever I return home from work my buddies are there with her. But, the wierd thing is their always all sweaty and laughing.

I asked her about previous vacations she had taken. Said she'd been to Turkey acouple times. When we argue about something, she makes comments about if she wanted shit on she'd go back to Turkey. I'll confused?

When I meet her she told me she came from a prestigious family in West Virginia. But, all of her pictures from her youth are in dirty trailor parks?

She has a big bull mastiff dog. Probably weighs about 130 lbs. She says he suffers from a strange condition that he can't go to sleep until she rubs his balls. ??? Sometimes in the middle of the night she goes to the kitchen to checkup on him and I hear this strange slapping noise. Then the dogs always out of breath.

She has a wierd relationship with her family. Told me her brother and her slept in the same bed until they were 17. She carries around a picture of him with his shirt off in her wallet. Also, whenever her dad comes to visit. He kisses her on the mouth and smacks her across the butt and calls her sweetie. Then tells me to go to the store for awhile???

Because of her bad back she can't work any more. It's okay, I don't mind putting in the 70-80 work weeks. She has begun to drink alot lately. Probably about a 30 pack of old mud a day. Said it helps her sleep. I started to suspect possible drug usage. Always finding burned up spoons laying around the house. If I questioned her about it, she would say it was the neighbor kids. Thats wierd!! The only neighbors we have are the teenage boys next door. Odd??

The other day I was driving to work and the brakes went out on my car. Police said it looked suspicious. Like someone cut the brake lines. I figured it was probably just wear and tear. But, its a new car.

She's a really great cook. But, lately I haven't been feeling well after eating. Always see a bottle of bleach sitting on kitchen counter. Whenever there is a sale on bleach at the grocery store she laughs and tells me we need to stock up???

After we got married I agreed to take on her last name. I have no problem with this because I respect her so much. Here's the problem. Her last name is Hurtzer. My first name is Richard. I'm a kindergarten teacher. So on the blackboard I have to write my name for the students. Mr. Dick Hurtzer
For some reason all the parents are giving me dirty looks. Now I maybe in some trouble at school. The principal says the parents don't want to leave their children with me???

What do you guys think. I do love her so much and think she would make a great mother some day.

Post: #2

You could be gay. Some high possibilities.

Post: #3

So we have:

1. tramp stamp
2. other tat's alluding to promiscuous sex at sea
3. possible incestuous cucking
4. references by her navy guy friends of her being the "ship mascot"
5. burnt spoons
6. drinks a 30 block a day
7. possibly attempted murder
8. taking of her last name
9. jacks off the dog


Nah dude you're good, aint no problems here.

Post: #4

(09-06-2016 05:03 PM)Travesty Wrote:  You could be gay. Some high possibilities.

Post: #5

Dick Hurtzer. Yeah okay, OP is definitely a troll.

Post: #6

Post: #7

Thought I'd give you guys a good laugh for the day.

Post: #8

you got me good, I thought it was serious cause it started off mild, knew it was joke at the point of "She says he suffers from a strange condition that he can't go to sleep until she rubs his balls." was actually laughing by this point and you had me in stitches by the time i got to Dick Hurtzer.

The question marks at the end of each statement was a nice touch.

10/10 will read again

Post: #9

(09-06-2016 05:32 PM)Schlep Wrote:  Thought I'd give you guys a good laugh for the day.

Way to ruin my sadistic fun.

Post: #10

Given that it's a joke, this would have been better for the lounge, or the joke thread. Making it into a thread, with this title, leads people to believe you have a genuine question/concern (at least until one reads the first couple paragraphs).

Post: #11

^ My bad..I apologize.

Post: #12

No need to apologize brother, just something to keep in mind.

Post: #13

She sounds like a keeper. Whenever your toilet is clogged, you can just use your wife instead. She is a very versatile woman.

Post: #14

we need more satire like this on the board.

Post: #15

(09-06-2016 04:56 PM)Schlep Wrote:  She has a wierd relationship with her family. Told me her brother and her slept in the same bed until they were 17. She carries around a picture of him with his shirt off in her wallet. Also, whenever her dad comes to visit. He kisses her on the mouth and smacks her across the butt and calls her sweetie. Then tells me to go to the store for awhile???

I am not sure about that. If you go to the store you might find your mother-in-law.

Post: #16

Seems legit

Post: #17

I've read the first 3 paragraphs and have come to the conclusion that you married a big slut, I'll now finish reading the rest

Post: #18

It was a joke Sydney Crosby. Thought I'd give you a good laugh. I sure as hell hope no one is that stupid to wife something like that up. Lol

Post: #19

Well played sir. As I was reading I had to check the calendar to make sure it wasn't April Fools already.

It would've been a lot more believable if you toned it down a little. 6/10 WNR. I bought the first half but then it went so over the top I knew you were trolling.

Post: #20

Does she have a sister who is single?

Post: #21

pics or gtfo.

Post: #22

Doing this on days other than April 1st really increases the payload because no one expects it... well, except our incredible troll detectors!

Post: #23

Sad thing is, I'm pretty sure this is someone's actual situation somewhere.

Post: #24

^Except she's 40+, overweight, has 3 kids and doesn't like sex.

Post: #25

@ Suits
I was gonna ask if your single. She does have a sister. Who is alittle better looking. If your interested send pm.