Post: #26

I quit racing after my second kid, too much money and time. I sold off all my bikes and gear, I still have a dirtbike I trail ride occasionally. I've been thinking about getting a street bike again... The thing is I like to ride them they way they were meant to be ridden and 90mph in 2nd gear down the main street or through the canyons is just asking for trouble.

Post: #27

I know. It can be addictive. Tons of hot women are into supercross though. Since you're knowledgeable, it's definitely a good source to meet women.

Post: #28

RWS - you and I are basically the same guy. Im 41, divorced for 6 years, one child, and I am trying to sort it out. You and I are both going through something remarkably similar right now.

A little history - I too am bumming right now from a break up with the hottest girl I have been in a relationship with. Its way over now, thanks to the board, and all of the thoughtful responses from everyone here, I have moved on well.

I just looked at my expenses for October and I have spent $500 this month on women(drinks & food mostly). I am seeing four different woman regularly, and none of them have really wowed me. Now for November and December I dont really even care if I see another. I would rather have the $500 in my pocket.

There is a deep level of confidence from game, in knowing that if you want to go out and find a GF, or a date, you could do it almost immediately. Through approach, game, online, social, etc, after learning and practicing game for all of these years since my divorce, I know that I can find a woman to be with, fairly easily. Even a GF.

Game has been very satisfying for the last 4 years. I date girls 10-20 years younger. A few months ago I had a SDL with a 21 year old, not from a bar, in the middle of the day. That can happen all the time if I just go out and do it.

When I first got divorced a buddy of mine who had two divorces under his belt at 35 said to me, "now you can go work as much as you want, or go get with girls as much as you want." That made sense and stuck with me because it means its up to us, we have what we want, we can really pick our path when we feel like it.

I kept my child from my last LTR, they did not meet. Early issues in the relationship made me hesitate, in hindsight, it was a good decision. My first LTR sounded like yours. A "good" but crazy girl, that moved in, and became extremely close to my child. She was very good to her, and my daughter never saw any issues with her and I. But I couldn't stay with her because she was pushing hard for marriage. The issues with her sent me off to do game.

My biggest question right now, is if I want to remarry. Truth is, Im not really that lonely. Work is a huge chunk of my life, I have friends that I see on and off, but not a huge social circle. Plus my time with my daughter, which has the same time challenges that you have. I see these people with huge social circles and I get envious, but at the end of the day, I do what I want, pretty much every day.

The loneliness hits often, but doesn't hurt as bad. Like you I like to be alone. What mostly stings is still the breakup, but its going away everyday. Especially on the weekends when I am without my child, or without a GF.

If I have any purpose right now, its to be a responsible parent, and enjoy life everyday. That is, to live responsibly, earn as much as possible, bank my money, and live for my next point in life. Its to improve my weaknesses, and develop myself into a better version of myself. Someone told me it takes at least three years to get over your divorce, literally getting over trauma. I see these guys jumping into a new marriage 1-2 years after divorce, and I dont know how they can do it.

With 9 years left of raising my little girl, I have my next phase in life to think about. In 9 years I want to be mostly retired from my current gig, at that point. With a large bank account and the freedom to do what I want.

I hear you about old hobbies becoming boring. Right now I have no desire for the gym, but it comes and goes. I really need a sport or activity. I used to race bicycles and was serious in Crossfit for years, and I am bored with both of those. I want to do something new. I thought about learning tennis, or BJJ. Something new. I could go back to Crossfit because its rewarding all around. I also want to start a side business, but my main gig is 60hrs+ per week, with travel. I just went to Europe this summer, and I am headed back in 2017. Travel is something I wont negate any longer.

Either way, you and I have it good. We can choose to do whatever we want. We aren't locked into a bad relationship anymore, and leave the ones we see headed that way. Parenting alone is wonderful, no fights with the ex, no conflicts or depression, but you can really be happy with your kids and do the things you want to do. We can really get the most out of life and enjoy the fruits of our labor, because when you think about it, we have put the time in.

Post: #29

RunsWithScissors, I just got caught up on your posting. I appreciate the honesty and quality of you reporting and hope your writing continues with your progress.

Gio is right, we're all here to learn. Many guys start having moderate success with girls (meaning they rack up a few bangs) and think...now what? Well, just because you've made a few shots doesn't mean you have game...Never lose the beginner mindset.

This Gio line goes a long way.

(10-29-2016 12:35 PM)Giovonny Wrote:  If it was boring to you, it was probably boring to her.

Obviously, you were too much in your own head at the time.. Thinking about game.. thinking about how to game her... Thinking about how to create emotion... Thinking, thinking, thinking...

Don't think, feel.

Have fun.

Post: #30

(10-30-2016 06:01 PM)Vaun Wrote:  Someone told me it takes at least three years to get over your divorce, literally getting over trauma.

This spot on! Even though you think it won't or you feel different from time to time, its only after a number of years when you can look back and realize that it really took about three years to get over your divorce.

Post: #31

redbeard Wrote:RunsWithScissors, I just got caught up on your posting. I appreciate the honesty and quality of you reporting and hope your writing continues with your progress.

Gio is right, we're all here to learn. Many guys start having moderate success with girls (meaning they rack up a few bangs) and think...now what? Well, just because you've made a few shots doesn't mean you have game...Never lose the beginner mindset.

Thanks redbeard. This resonates with me, I've definitely learned how to (perhaps clumsily) get pussy and women in my life pretty much whenever I want, but I still feel like a total beginner when it comes to game. For the situation that Gio commented about it being boring to her, I've been thinking back to it and trying to figure out what I could have done better and am pretty much stumped. I can see the end goal but not how to get there. I'm much more of a practical guy than a theory guy so all the theory and experiences I read about here inspire me but don't necessarily leave me with the toolset to achieve it myself. This comes back to hard work and practice on my own, and spend time with mentors when I can.

Post: #32

I'm starting to realize how sweet of a life I actually have. I get paid fairly well to do something I usually enjoy and have flexibility at work when I need to take time to deal with life. I have two amazing boys who serve as constant motivation to be a better man. I'm skilled socially and am improving that consistently, in part to get better with women but also because I enjoy interacting with people. I'm healthy and fit, and getting bigger and stronger as I continue to work out. I'm able to have sex with multiple women a month without having to cheat or lie to any of them, and can get dates most any time I want if I plan ahead and put in the work. My friendships are slowly growing and expanding as I continue to take initiative with new people. Life isn't perfect but overall things are good.

Recently I've been getting interest from younger and/or hotter women (I've posted in the players log about them, most recent is a 26 year old who is 15 years younger than me I'm getting out for drinks this week). This is good as I'm no longer settling for any woman who will show interest in me or spread their legs, but it's causing some cognitive dissonance. As soon as these women express interest in me, they immediately become less attractive to me and in my low times I even have thoughts of "What's wrong with her that she's interested in me?" For example, I invited the hot neighbor mom and her kid over to have dinner and a movie with me and my boys this weekend, as she warmed up to me over the course of the night (to where her leg was pressing against mine on the couch during the movie) I literally saw her features change in front of my eyes and she became more plain and less attractive to me. The 28 year old came over Fri for an hour or so, she called me out on having lied about my age on my Match profile and yet after I handled it well she continued to make out with me, and I'm wondering what's wrong with her that she's into me? My first thought is it's an evolution of the validation seeking behavior I've always had with women combined with my slowly deepening understanding of women's behavior and game. I've also long felt like I only attracted damaged/broken/needy women, I wonder if I'll even be able to recognize a good woman if she comes along...

It's weird to simultaneously be feeling pretty good about my life and at the same time questioning why hot young chicks are into me. I have to say that my thinking has changed a bit in regards to women, I'm finding it much easier to accept their behaviors as just part of being a woman and this helps me really just enjoy spending time with them when they have good qualities to offer.

Post: #33

Been sitting on this for a long time and think it's best for me to vent a bit, as it started coming out in other threads.

I've been really down and hard on myself lately and don't know how to fix it. I'm frequently sad, and sometimes short tempered with my kids. I don't have trouble coping with my day to day life. The negative feelings largely go away when I'm self medicating with weed and/or alcohol, otherwise I'm frequently miserable when I'm alone. I'm doing most of the things I'm supposed to in order to become a better person and to be fulfilled by myself, and there's some progress but even in the face of progress I'm left doubting myself. I don't think I know who I am or what I want from life, sometimes even what I want in the moment. I'm pretty sure that leaves me portraying myself as a fairly uninteresting person and explains why I rarely get invited to do things with people. I don't like confrontation, and withdrawing affection is my only way of enforcing my boundaries with people. I'm worried I need professional help to make significant progress, but I've seen multiple therapists before and it doesn't make significant change, I just talk about my problems and feelings.

As for the ways I'm trying to better myself, I'm lifting 2-3 days a week and climbing at the gym 2 days a week, reading regularly (currently reading Hemingway), focusing on my photography as a hobby and creative outlet, being social when I'm out. I have 3 plates at the moment, all of them are pleasant, attractive girls who love having sex with me but none of them inspire me. I've turned off online dating apps for a couple months now and made a couple of cold approaches but that hasn't gone anywhere.

Here's an example of times when I really get down on myself. Yesterday evening I went to the gym to go climbing, wanting to be active and social on Valentine's day rather than spend it with a plate. As I walk up to the door a tall attractive woman comes out and walks past me, I'm looking at her attempting to make eye contact as I often do, we hold it, she looks away then back at me and held eye contact, her neck actually swiveled as she walked past me. I said hello but was too surprised to take act. I figure she thought she recognized me but it felt like attraction. Getting positive attention from women is so unexpected for me, even though I'm often looking for it, that I don't know what to do when I get it and I fail.

I'm an outgoing, social guy, but I think it must be very surface level, so people seem to enjoy talking to me when we encounter each other but I don't think I cross their mind much otherwise. Which I interpret as me not providing value. When I walked into the gym I talked to the guy working the desk about the Valentine's day candy they had on the desk, I talked with a few of the guys climbing and got some advice from an expert on how to help with my forearm pain. I know the names of most of the people at my local coffee shop and they know mine, we talk about climbing and books and my kids and they tell me bits about their lives. I attend a bi-monthly Dad's drinking group regularly and am getting to know more of the guys there. But then the weekends without my kids come and I don't have shit to do except whatever I plan for myself or if I reach out to the few other people.

I get too attached in my relationships with women, I invest in them too quickly and get my hopes up for something of value that will be long lasting. The reality of the red pill is making me sick. I don't know how to be self focused, I don't want to think of women as just bitches and sluts the way so many guys here seem to do, but I've failed in all my past relationships and I know I have to do things different to stop making the same mistakes over and over again.

Some of this definitely has to do with the end of a fling I was having with the hot old flame I've talked about before. I could write all about it, but I'm pretty sure it basically comes down to me wanting her more than she wanted me and me not being interesting enough to hold her attention for more than a couple of months. She grew a little distant, and rather than ask her what was going on I just nexted her, it looked like she was heading towards ending things with me and I didn't know how to handle what I felt was disrespectful behavior. I know there's other amazing women out there, but I don't think I'm attractive to them.

I'm getting sidetracked talking about women. They are a big part of this, but I know that ultimately it's about me. I don't fulfill myself and I don't know how to change that. I think the only real answer is to keep at it and to expect change to be slow.

Post: #34

The reality is you have decided to raise your kids, which from what it sounds like, is your mission now. Have you taken the time to define your mission in life, and what you want to really achieve?

You're caring too much about what other people think, and being way too hard on yourself thinking about that. Keep digging for new friends and activities with other people. Relax a little too.

Lifting/meditation/no fap/adventure/game/reading - all positive but not the basis of your life. Whats your higher purpose?

No surprise this came up now, this week. I've had two mindsets over the last 5 years. One where I swore off relationships, LTR's, gf's, all together. I didnt look at women like trash, I just didn't want to be with one in a relationship. It wasn't fake, I didn't want anything other than fun dates and sex. And I lived like that for years. Im in that headspace now. Last night on V Day I cut off all contact with all of my plates(3), cooked chicken at home and played guitar. In my gut I didn't want a GF.

My other mindset was to find another wife or LTR, and impregnate a woman. And live day to day daily life with a woman. I've done that several times. But I dont consider myself a failure there. Lately now I just constantly remember how miserable I was with a woman. Other than sex, I am really digging deep to even remember any real happy memories. And the ones I have had I have had with a lot of women. Those feelings aren't unique to one woman.

Take the time to really think about your lifes purpose, and mission. And write it out. You will subscribe to that, to shape your life, daily life, mindset, actions, etc. I recently rediscovered mine. You're anxious like me, and I have a hard time relaxing as well. But when I focus on myself, and really take care of myself, I really get some satisfaction.

Post: #35

(02-15-2017 08:11 PM)RunsWithScissors Wrote:  Been sitting on this for a long time and think it's best for me to vent a bit, as it started coming out in other threads.

I've been really down and hard on myself lately and don't know how to fix it. I'm frequently sad, and sometimes short tempered with my kids. I don't have trouble coping with my day to day life. The negative feelings largely go away when I'm self medicating with weed and/or alcohol, otherwise I'm frequently miserable when I'm alone. I'm doing most of the things I'm supposed to in order to become a better person and to be fulfilled by myself, and there's some progress but even in the face of progress I'm left doubting myself. I don't think I know who I am or what I want from life, sometimes even what I want in the moment. I'm pretty sure that leaves me portraying myself as a fairly uninteresting person and explains why I rarely get invited to do things with people. I don't like confrontation, and withdrawing affection is my only way of enforcing my boundaries with people. I'm worried I need professional help to make significant progress, but I've seen multiple therapists before and it doesn't make significant change, I just talk about my problems and feelings.

Don't do this. Turning to weed, alcohol or whatever to "self-medicate" only causes you more problems. Not only will you still have the original problem you're running away from, but now you'll have a vice dependency issue as well.

Quote:As for the ways I'm trying to better myself, I'm lifting 2-3 days a week and climbing at the gym 2 days a week, reading regularly (currently reading Hemingway), focusing on my photography as a hobby and creative outlet, being social when I'm out. I have 3 plates at the moment, all of them are pleasant, attractive girls who love having sex with me but none of them inspire me. I've turned off online dating apps for a couple months now and made a couple of cold approaches but that hasn't gone anywhere.

You've got to move away from looking to women for meaning, inspiration, etc. That's a dead end street, my friend. True validation must come from within. As cliche as it might sound, as long as you're happy with who you are, that's all that matters. Fuck what anyone else thinks. Especially women.

Quote:Here's an example of times when I really get down on myself. Yesterday evening I went to the gym to go climbing, wanting to be active and social on Valentine's day rather than spend it with a plate. As I walk up to the door a tall attractive woman comes out and walks past me, I'm looking at her attempting to make eye contact as I often do, we hold it, she looks away then back at me and held eye contact, her neck actually swiveled as she walked past me. I said hello but was too surprised to take act. I figure she thought she recognized me but it felt like attraction. Getting positive attention from women is so unexpected for me, even though I'm often looking for it, that I don't know what to do when I get it and I fail.

I'm a little confused as to how you can have three plates but go onto say "getting positive attention from women is so unexpected for me." There are guys out there who would kill to have one woman interested in them, and you're juggling three. Even if they're not the cream of the crop, you're still doing better than most. Perhaps it's easier said than done, but try being more appreciative of what you have.

Quote:I'm an outgoing, social guy, but I think it must be very surface level, so people seem to enjoy talking to me when we encounter each other but I don't think I cross their mind much otherwise. Which I interpret as me not providing value. When I walked into the gym I talked to the guy working the desk about the Valentine's day candy they had on the desk, I talked with a few of the guys climbing and got some advice from an expert on how to help with my forearm pain. I know the names of most of the people at my local coffee shop and they know mine, we talk about climbing and books and my kids and they tell me bits about their lives. I attend a bi-monthly Dad's drinking group regularly and am getting to know more of the guys there. But then the weekends without my kids come and I don't have shit to do except whatever I plan for myself or if I reach out to the few other people.

I'm not sure what a "drinking group" is exactly, but I'd recommend finding a better group than that. There's nothing wrong with having an occasional social drink, but if you've already admitted to turning to weed or alcohol as a crutch, it doesn't sound like the best fit for you, in my opinion. It seems as though you're interested in many other more positive hobbies that would be better for you to meet people whilst doing.

Also, you know you're going to have weekends without your kids. Don't wait until they're gone to start planning what you want to do. Plan it out in advance. That way you'll have something to do, or some project to work on. What is something you never seem to have enough time to do? For me, it's reading. For you, it might be something else. If you don't know what it is, you can fill some of your time trying to find out what it is. Keep trying new things 'til something sticks.

Quote:I get too attached in my relationships with women, I invest in them too quickly and get my hopes up for something of value that will be long lasting. The reality of the red pill is making me sick. I don't know how to be self focused, I don't want to think of women as just bitches and sluts the way so many guys here seem to do, but I've failed in all my past relationships and I know I have to do things different to stop making the same mistakes over and over again.

The red pill isn't making you sick. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but it won't make you sick. What'll make you sick is taking the blue pill, and turning a blind eye to the truth of what's going on all around you until one day it comes to knock you right on your ass. The warning signs will have been around the entire time, but blue pill conditioning will inhibit a man's ability to see it coming.

The bottom line is this -- don't pedestalize women. They can be an enjoyable part of a man's life, but they mustn't be his raison d'etre. I've said it before, but I think it bears repeating -- A woman would rather play second fiddle to a man with higher priorities than be "everything" to a man with nothing else going for him. Find a mission in life but don't make the mistake of making women your mission.

Quote:Some of this definitely has to do with the end of a fling I was having with the hot old flame I've talked about before. I could write all about it, but I'm pretty sure it basically comes down to me wanting her more than she wanted me and me not being interesting enough to hold her attention for more than a couple of months. She grew a little distant, and rather than ask her what was going on I just nexted her, it looked like she was heading towards ending things with me and I didn't know how to handle what I felt was disrespectful behavior. I know there's other amazing women out there, but I don't think I'm attractive to them.

Once again, you're spinning three plates currently, right? I'm not sure where this idea of not being attractive to women is coming from. Unless these chicks are just absolutely wolf ugly, I'm not understanding why you're not finding at least a little satisfaction from concurrently tagging three chicks.

Quote:I'm getting sidetracked talking about women. They are a big part of this, but I know that ultimately it's about me. I don't fulfill myself and I don't know how to change that. I think the only real answer is to keep at it and to expect change to be slow.

I know you've mentioned having trouble finding a mission...Perhaps you need a "Raymond K. Hessel" experience to wake you up to what you really want to do in life.

Post: #36

Thanks for chiming in my friend, I know our experiences have had similarities.

(02-15-2017 08:48 PM)Vaun Wrote:  You're caring too much about what other people think, and being way too hard on yourself thinking about that. Keep digging for new friends and activities with other people. Relax a little too.

I don't know how to change this. What Anonymous Bosch said in the Older Guys thread about challenging myself and expanding my boundaries makes sense to me though.

(02-15-2017 08:48 PM)Vaun Wrote:  The reality is you have decided to raise your kids, which from what it sounds like, is your mission now. Have you taken the time to define your mission in life, and what you want to really achieve?
...
Lifting/meditation/no fap/adventure/game/reading - all positive but not the basis of your life. Whats your higher purpose?
...
Take the time to really think about your lifes purpose, and mission. And write it out. You will subscribe to that, to shape your life, daily life, mindset, actions, etc. I recently rediscovered mine. You're anxious like me, and I have a hard time relaxing as well. But when I focus on myself, and really take care of myself, I really get some satisfaction.

I don't have a mission in life beyond raising my boys and working towards having some security for my and my boys' futures. I'm not going to be amazing at photography or mountain biking or rock climbing or cooking or software or any of the things I'm pretty good at, it doesn't make sense to me to invest so much into something I know I'm not going to excel at. This thinking bothered me before, but what Lizard of Oz said on the previous page has resonated with me:

Lizard of Oz Wrote:And lastly -- you should never worry about not having a "mission in life". A continuing sense of "mission", and brooding on that sense, is something that characterizes a few great men, and many more nuts, weirdos and losers. For most normal men, this sense is something that can come and go intermittently; it can be acknowledged when present, but it's not something that needs to be sought. What should be sought is not your mission in life, rather, what should be sought is life itself, and all its modest everyday charms. Keep living it as best you can and trust that it will come to you over time.

With that said I do think investing time and energy into hobbies and activities I enjoy is a very good thing and something I need to keep doing more of.

Post: #37

(02-15-2017 10:32 PM)LeoneVolpe Wrote:  Don't do this. Turning to weed, alcohol or whatever to "self-medicate" only causes you more problems. Not only will you still have the original problem you're running away from, but now you'll have a vice dependency issue as well.

I understand it being interpreted this way, but I don't have vice dependency issues. My intention with sharing this was to convey how my thinking changes while under the influence; I'm able to get out of my head and see things without all my emotions getting in the way. I'm still working on the 1/4 oz of pot I bought with friends 9 months ago and smoke a couple times a month. The Dad's drinking group is a social group where 30 or so local dad's get together on a Thurs night at a different local venue to have a couple beers, throw darts or play cornhole, socialize, and raise some money for charity. We've also started a dinner night once a month, this month we went to a local steakhouse and enjoyed samples of 5 cuts of steak and learned about how the restaurant portions out large cuts of meat to get the various steaks, it was pretty cool.

(02-15-2017 10:32 PM)LeoneVolpe Wrote:  You've got to move away from looking to women for meaning, inspiration, etc. That's a dead end street, my friend. True validation must come from within. As cliche as it might sound, as long as you're happy with who you are, that's all that matters. Fuck what anyone else thinks. Especially women.

This is exactly my point, I don't know how to do this, except keep being alone and working on things to improve myself until I don't hurt anymore.

(02-15-2017 10:32 PM)LeoneVolpe Wrote:  I'm a little confused as to how you can have three plates but go onto say "getting positive attention from women is so unexpected for me." There are guys out there who would kill to have one woman interested in them, and you're juggling three. Even if they're not the cream of the crop, you're still doing better than most. Perhaps it's easier said than done, but try being more appreciative of what you have.

I've read tons of posts from guys that don't get any women and I recognize my situation is likely different than theirs. I'm able to get with women (+13 notches last year), though mostly just via online. Two of my plates are from online, one is from a random encounter cold approach. I do appreciate that I'm not involuntarily celibate, thank you for the reminder.

(02-15-2017 10:32 PM)LeoneVolpe Wrote:  Also, you know you're going to have weekends without your kids. Don't wait until they're gone to start planning what you want to do. Plan it out in advance. That way you'll have something to do, or some project to work on. What is something you never seem to have enough time to do? For me, it's reading. For you, it might be something else. If you don't know what it is, you can fill some of your time trying to find out what it is. Keep trying new things 'til something sticks.

I have things to do, just most of them are alone or superficially social. I often hit the gym early on the weekend mornings and lift or climb, then head to the coffee shop to read and chat with the people I know there. I'll do house chores or yard work, work on a project, go on a bike ride, do some cooking for the week, go on a date or have a plate over, connect with my out of town friends on Xbox for a bit. The vast majority of it is alone and I feel unwanted and undesirable. Persevering on trying new things seems to be the answer.

(02-15-2017 10:32 PM)LeoneVolpe Wrote:  Once again, you're spinning three plates currently, right? I'm not sure where this idea of not being attractive to women is coming from. Unless these chicks are just absolutely wolf ugly, I'm not understanding why you're not finding at least a little satisfaction from concurrently tagging three chicks.

These girls are all fairly attractive, my main plate is the best of the bunch and General Stalin has seen a pic of her and I do have satisfaction from tagging them. I have this internal thought process that there must be something wrong with any woman who would want to be with me, I'm not sure where it comes from but it instantly makes them less desirable to me.

These girls are not as high quality as the old flame I was recently seeing. It's like eating hamburgers all the time and then you get a nice steak and you don't want to go back to hamburgers very often anymore.

I do need to get to a place where it's not necessary to have a girl that inspires me, but to where I can recognize that as a nice option to have in my life when it works out.

(02-15-2017 10:32 PM)LeoneVolpe Wrote:  I know you've mentioned having trouble finding a mission...Perhaps you need a "Raymond K. Hessel" experience to wake you up to what you really want to do in life.

I think you may be right, this is a good reminder, thank you.

Post: #38

I figure it's time for an update since my last posts. I'm still regularly depressed though do have some high moments and really try to embrace them. Most of the depression seems to reside around self esteem issues. I'm working harder at climbing and am getting more social with people there, but not to the point where I get invited to do things outside of the gym. I'm climbing 2x week and lifting 2-3x a week, recently tried a yoga class there and really enjoyed it especially for the meditative aspect I was able to cultivate. My social situation is improving a little though very slowly. I got a dog and have been enjoying having her around for company, I think it's good for me as an exercise in practicing patience. I've been drinking less alcohol especially during the week, rarely smoking pot, going to bed and waking earlier, doing more projects around the house to make my place look and feel good. I've been reading a lot including several social psychology books and some classics like Hemingway, and recently I've been practicing Spanish using audio tapes. I had quit online dating in February which was the source of the vast majority of my new bangs, I've still managed +6 new girls for the year. I've gotten pickier and will next girls earlier or not make moves on them when they aren't very interesting or hot. I'm rarely very nervous anymore when I make approaches and have been indirectly opening all sorts of people consistently and frequently, though I still suck at escalating and showing intent.

I've not talked to the old flame (hottest girl I've ever been with) since we basically mutually ghosted back in January, though she stalks my Instagram regularly, and I still miss her. (side note: I've got probably 6 girls I've either dated or banged that still follow me on Instagram even though I don't follow them, seems kind of weird). I figure she'll reach out one of these days but I know it wouldn't be good to be involved with her again.

My long-term plate of 14 months finally broke things off last month, she was a lot of fun but I knew we weren't going further mainly because she's a full-time mom, but also because I didn't feel inspired by her in any way.

Remember the neighbor single mom from last year that Giovonny said "If it was boring to you, it was probably boring to her. "? I had sex with her this weekend, we've been doing a lot of hanging out over the past several months with our kids but rarely alone time. Got her out for a hangout Friday night that was clearly set up as a date, had a great time, back at my place we talked about it, she said she's terrified of commitment, I said no problem I wasn't trying to lock her down or get any commitment from her, she suggested staying the night. She's probably the 2nd hottest girl I've been with, PhD scientist, has her life very well put together, very feminine without being too girly. Sex was good, but I don't know if things will go anywhere from here.

I can't help but think that the hotter women I've gotten with have all chose to end things with me (sort of assuming things won't go anywhere with the neighbor) which doesn't help with the self esteem issues. The impression I have is that I've improved myself enough to start getting their attention and even secure an occasional bang, but don't have high enough value to keep them interested.

Both the long-term plate and the recent neighbor hookup told me they have known me for a year but don't feel like they know me very well. I think there's value in having some mystery to personality, but the impression I got is both of them felt like I have a hidden side and it made them slightly uncomfortable.

I keep going on, trying to appreciate what I have, to not expect anything but be open to accept anything. The hardest part seems in trying to be happy with myself.

Post: #39

I know some posters aren't going to like this, as it's woo-woo, but what gives me the most satisfaction in life is to reach flow-state. I don't know if yoga provides this but I doubt it. Meditation is not the same as flow.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flow_(psychology)

The best way to experience flow is to cultivate a hobby, usually a creative one, and put in your 10,000 hours ala Malcolm Gladwell. Once you reach that level of expertise, then when you apply yourself, you enter flow (aka The Zone).



Flow state is kind of like being on drugs, but it's highly therapeutic, at least it has been for me with my particular hobbies. Here's a Ted talk on it.

I don't have a lot of notches, but what I have done is approach sex in the same way I do my creative hobbies. I want to keep honing my skills to get more and more out of it each time. It therefore becomes less about the woman that I'm with and more about logging more hours at the plate to hone the skill. This has allowed me to avoid some of the burnout/ED problems that men typically experience as they enter middle-age, since I have this feeling that there's always room for improvement. Of course, this confuses the hell out of women as they interpret my high level of effort with me being in love with them, but that's the only downside.

But the point behind all this is as you get older and older if you keep investing your time into one or more skills like this you will be able to start to really notice this steady improvement. I wish I could apply this to physical fitness as much as I do elsewhere, but whatever it is, there's no way your self esteem won't go up as a result.

If you don't do this then life begins to feel very repetitious and pointless after a while. I've got to maintain goals that are lofty enough to keep me busy indefinitely.

My daughter is still trying to figure this sort of stuff out for herself, and a LOT of people never do as adults. They don't know what their aptitude is so they just assume they can't do anything. The self-doubt my daughter keeps laying on me about her path in life is not limited to minors. It's something that can linger on through your entire life. I still go through waves of it, but I've reached a point where I know a couple things I'm really good at. When I say "good" I don't mean the best in the world, just that I know I can do some things that others can't.

I think the biggest limiting factor is motivation, because it's f*cking hard work to invest those 10,000 hours.



It takes discipline and sacrifice elsewhere. The whole wax-on-wax-off bullshit. It doesn't matter what it is. Game is what this forum is about but it's just one of many skills you can learn to help you feel good about yourself.

Post: #40

OP, this has been a great thread for me as well. You and I are also very similar in our tales. Age, single dads, good jobs, etc.

I don't have much to contribute aside from: I've been there. The three year rule was an absolute truth for me. I had finally accepted the fact that I would never get over it. I had decided to just forget about women and stay alone. Although I had lots of game and plenty of notches in those first three years the loneliness and depression would often get to me. But alas, it passed. That was years ago and although I've relapsed here and there I'm stronger than ever.

I wish I could give you better advice on being happy with yourself. For me I just decided to. I wrote it. I said it out loud. I told others that I was. For so long it was all lies. But, convincing the mind is a process and slowly but surely it took hold. The mind wants to believe what you are telling it. It's hard to comprehend that you have to convince your own mind of something but it's true.

You have the voices of these random and anonymous strangers telling you that your life is pretty great. But none of our voices matter. Your mind isn't listening to the strangers on the internet or the hottie from down the street.

Your mind is only listening to one voice.

Keep saying the things that matter.

Only one voice matters.

Your own.

Post: #41

RWS, you are doing all of the right things. Keep going man, being in a similar situation and age, I am quite envious of your lifestyle. It sounds pretty damn good. I may be outside looking in based on what you shared, but it sounds like you have taken the right steps to move on with your life, in a healthy way. You could go overboard and party and bang your way through your new found freedom, and I can tell you from experience, its fun, but at the end of the day can leave you empty, and only somewhat fulfilled knowing you could do it. I've been largely doing that for five years, and I am ready for a new stage.

You cant deny getting good at game though, for an early 40's guy, you're still young. I would spend the time and effort to do it. The innate confidence and self assurance of knowing how to connect quickly with a woman you desire, from a chance encounter, is undeniably one of the greatest tools a man can ever posses. It literally cuts away all of the desperate anxious yearning for women, you may have felt all of your life. You are totally right for deleting your dating apps.

Where I take major issue with you; your value is not related to what some "high value girl" thinks of you. Just because it hasn't worked out with a few of these chicks, its not an indication of your self worth, who you are as a man, or how "good" you are with women. My guess is you are probably one of the best guys these women have ever encountered, just by how well you live and take care of yourself, and they move on either because they just want some fun, or, because you dont show up as the supplicating beta male ready to play daddy to their fatherless children.

Is that what you really want right now? With all of this freedom, and peace in your life now, do you want to step in and play daddy to some chick who lost the dad to her kids?? I would fight that tooth and nail. I also date a lot of "high value" women. College educated, good careers, attractive. But women are all the same. They want to land a man the same way, for the same reasons. So if you are not showing up begging to meet their kids and take them all to an amusement park, they probably take you for a guy who wants some fun. And thats not too bad, they will actually leave you alone!

Don't ever expect your ex to call you back. Just totally move on. I am guilty of thinking this at times, and its been over a year. But I have moved on and its futile to imagine such things. Keep adventure seeking. You are completely free! You can literally do whatever you want now. What do you really want to do in life? You realize this is a really rare opportunity for a man.

Post: #42

Haven't heard from you or seen you much this year. If you want someone to hang with or chat with I'm always here and more than happy to get together.

We ought to go shooting together sometime or go for a hike.

Post: #43

(11-01-2017 10:29 AM)General Stalin Wrote:  Haven't heard from you or seen you much this year. If you want someone to hang with or chat with I'm always here and more than happy to get together.

We ought to go shooting together sometime or go for a hike.

This is true, in large part because I never really make the hour+ drive down unless it's to visit you guys or pick someone up at the airport. I do appreciate the times you've checked in, and would enjoy going shooting or any outdoors stuff. I did pick up a new (to me) sports car a couple months ago that makes the drive down much more enjoyable.

Post: #44

(10-31-2017 10:56 PM)Mountain Man Wrote:  I wish I could give you better advice on being happy with yourself. For me I just decided to. I wrote it. I said it out loud. I told others that I was. For so long it was all lies. But, convincing the mind is a process and slowly but surely it took hold. The mind wants to believe what you are telling it. It's hard to comprehend that you have to convince your own mind of something but it's true.

You have the voices of these random and anonymous strangers telling you that your life is pretty great. But none of our voices matter. Your mind isn't listening to the strangers on the internet or the hottie from down the street.

Your mind is only listening to one voice.

Keep saying the things that matter.

Only one voice matters.

Your own.

Despite everything else I've written, this is what it really boils down to. Thank you for seeing through things and helping distill it down, I've been stewing on this for a couple days. My mind really does only listen to me and I can't help but send it a lot of negative and destructive thoughts. In spite of all the working out, the hobbies, the good times with my kids, the high points of my days, the love and affection of my family, fun times with girls, it all gets undone with a simple thought that cascades and drags me down. I'm trying hard to change these patterns, I've been listening to an NLP recording mentioned by a forum member in another thread, doing "I love myself" thoughts recommended in a book I recently read, and just trying to have a more positive frame in all my day to day interactions. It's slow going but I have to make a change if I want to be happier in my life.

(10-31-2017 11:24 PM)Vaun Wrote:  You cant deny getting good at game though, for an early 40's guy, you're still young. I would spend the time and effort to do it. The innate confidence and self assurance of knowing how to connect quickly with a woman you desire, from a chance encounter, is undeniably one of the greatest tools a man can ever posses. It literally cuts away all of the desperate anxious yearning for women, you may have felt all of your life. You are totally right for deleting your dating apps.

Vaun, thank you for your consistent encouragement. I desperately want to cultivate this skill, have the confidence and self assurance but it seems so difficult and far away. I can get sex from mediocre to average, even a few higher quality women, but even with a lifetime notch count of 44 it feels more like dumb luck than ability or skill. I think a big part of it relates to what I wrote in the previous paragraph about negative thoughts and needing to love and be comfortable with myself.

Thanks for letting me vent here, it does help to get it out to people who will tell it to me straight with tough love.