Post: #1

I received a text from my mom about 30 mins ago saying my grandmother, who has suffered from terminal cancer since last year, has finally passed.

I read the message, and simply accepted it. No tears, no hurt feelings, no negative emotions. I simply felt blank and empty.

I kept searching within myself for an emotional response, for some tears to come from somewhere. Nothing. I plunged into a state of introspection, trying to understand why I wasn't feeling sad.

I analyzed my relation to my grandmother, to my family, and my relation to myself and my emotions. I was trying to validate this feeling of emotional non-response but it simply didn't make any sense to me.

I know I can feel emotions. I've cried before, especially at the immediate notice of the passing of loved ones. For instance, my previous grandparents (on my dad's side) passed when I was about 7/8 years old respectively. I cried then. My older (half) sister committed suicide when I was roughly 9/10 years old - I cried then. My oldest (half) brother passed when I was 23 years old. I cried then also.

Now today, upon hearing of my grandmother's passing, no emotions. The difference between today's situation and the previous one, I believe, are the emotional distance. In those previous situations, I lived at home with my family. The emotional environment was much more intense and heightened. Everyone around me was sad and crying, the feelings of loss more deep and palpable.

Now today, at 26, I sit alone in my apartment, a fairly emotionally neutral environment by comparison, and I can't find the tears. As far as my relationships with the previous family members, I would argue that I was closer to my recently passed grandmother than all of the rest. She helped raise me along with my mom, from birth till roughly age 10, as my dad was in the US, working on bringing us from the home country.

When I came here in 2001, my personality changed, for better or worse as I got acclimated to this new environment. My grandmother stayed behind and didn't come to this country until roughly 2006/7. And even still by the time she got here, I was a different person. I had grown more distant from her and my family. And she existed merely as a figurehead from that point on. I would see her occasionally, as she lived with my aunt, and we were always cordial, but I never felt a truly deep connection to her anymore as I did when I was a child. I hardly felt a truly deep connection to anybody.

I find it a bit disheartening because I don't want to feel this way. I want to be sad, I want to shed tears, but I can't. Not right now anyway. I imagine when I get around my family in the days to come, during funeral proceedings, and I'm immersed in the environment of loss and sadness, then I'll probably cry.

For now, I remain mostly unaffected. I plan on calling my mother soon, to offer her some words of comfort. I know this has been hard on her and I do care about how she feels.

I was hoping someone here has had a similar experience, or has some insight into the matter of personality and feelings, to help me better understand this situation.

Have you ever not felt any emotion in a situation where you thought you should be feeling some emotions, like really intense emotions?

I know I posses narcissistic qualities. I believe, to some degree, the vast majority of people are narcissists. It's the emotional non-response I'm concerned about. My preliminary research points to sociopathy, but I'm no expert on the matter. I plan on seeking out a therapist of some kind in the immediate future. I would like to better understand myself and this situation. This is not the first time I've lacked an emotional response to something where I expected to have one.

Post: #2

Grandmother dies. *Starts thinking about whether or not he is a sociopath*

Post: #3

TL;DR

You didn't even know her well, just because she is "family" doesn't mean you should be grieving over the passing of an elderly relative you weren't even close to on a personal level - you're just overthinking it.

Post: #4

"I wonder if I'm a sociopath." --Said no sociopath ever.

Post: #5

SudoRoot?

Post: #6

(04-20-2016 09:36 AM)Suits Wrote:  "I wonder if I'm a sociopath." --Said no sociopath ever.

Unless they're just saying it to try to convince everyone else that they're not a sociopath

Post: #7

This is actually quite normal. Don't over analyze it. The lack of feelings doesn't mean you are a sociopath. Many people experience a lack of feelings when a relative dies. Denial and shock often precede any emotional release. The best thing you can do is focus on being a good son by supporting your mother now. My condolences.

Post: #8

I figured there would be guys on here trolling in response. But I understand where you're coming from. Thanks.

Post: #9

When one of my grandmother dies I'll be sad, the other I won't give a fuck about.

Don't consider myself a sociopath.

Post: #10

Was your grandmother a graduate?

Post: #11

Also sociopathy doesn't really mean "lack of feelings", that's more of a pop culture protrayal anyway.

People with high functioning autism for example lack feelings but aren't "sociopaths".

Sociopath essentially means going out of your way to harm others intentionally and having no remorse

Post: #12

This makes me think of the episode in Madmen when Roger had no emotional reaction to his mother passing away. Later we see signs of his emotional turmoil.

Grief is a funny thing. It seems as though she was a second mother to you. Focus on being strong for your mother. The feelings of loss will eventually emerge.

Post: #13

Tears have nothing to do with love or death.

Your grandmother has been ill for a year, likely you have already accepted her death.

I didn't cry when I heard my granparents died. The first time I smelled my grandfathers machine shop after he passed I sobbed a few seconds.

A few months after my other grandfather died, I heard that he was found laying on the floor, scratching his way toward his pills. That choked my up, knowing he was desperate to keep on living. His last years were spent making peace with his family, especially my father.

What I am trying to say is you can't force tears. Grievance is different for everyone.

I am sorry to hear of your loss. But its been 30 min, maybe get off the internet and take a long walk.

Post: #14

It'll hit after the funeral.

Post: #15

My grandmother (who is and will always be the person I loved the most in this world) died recently. I didn't cry, I didn't return to the US for her funeral. She was 90 and had dementia for the past few years and her quality of life wasn't that great. I would have been ok with her passing a year sooner... She lived a long life and for the most part it was a good life. What else can you ask for? Am I sad she did live to hit 105? No.... I'm not a heartless bastard but the world is the way it is and me crying isn't gonna change that. Don't get it twisted I cry and feel sad at times. Just not when it comes to the death of someone who lived a full long life passing away.

Everyone deals with death their own way I suppose.

Post: #16

Others have already posted helpful and insightful encouragement. I just wanted to add that to an extent, we are all narcissistic, and we live in an age and culture that encourages narcissism. While narcissism is related to psychopathy, it is not the same. All psychopaths are narcissists, not all narcissists are psychopaths. A concern over your emotional apathy is a good sign that you most certainly aren't a sociopath.

Even if you're not a sociopath, I think it's good to prioritize our emotional development. I've had some experiences through life that have certainly contributed to a "numbing" of my ability to empathize over the years, and it's something I've been giving greater attention to recently. It is a work in progress, but I've had encouraging results thus far.

Some resources that I've found helpful are:
https://infrakshun.wordpress.com/an-intr...this-blog/
https://infrakshun.wordpress.com/2014/01...meaning-i/

and

http://www.ponerology.com/psychopaths_1.html

Best of luck on your journey.

Post: #17

Early on in the 7 Stages of Grief?

Post: #18

If your mom dies and you don't shed a tear then worry. But if your a sociopath you won't worry at all you will be indifferent.

Post: #19

When my own grandmother died, I saw my dad cry for the first time, which was wild. He's the most measured, calm man I've ever known, and it was weird to see him tear up. As for me? I'd visited her half a dozen times at most and she was never the warmest woman around. A tiny, old woman from Ukraine. She was no match compared to my mom's mom, who was the epitome of love and femininity. My dad's mom was cold, detached and icy. A great matriarch? Yes, absolutely. She was on all the school boards, making sure her sons were excelling at school, maintained a lovely home for my dad, or so he says, and had five kids. But I never really knew her and didnt cry at her funeral.
I'm sure you're not a sociopath. You probably just didn't know the woman well.

Post: #20

I hate this fetish we have with socio- and psychopathy. By we I mean society at large. It's a way to demean masculine feelings and responses to tough situations. What some may call 'sociopathy' could actually be calm, acceptance, and maybe even strength.

Your grandma was sick for a year. You thought of her impending death at least once throughout that time. Think of this equation.

Happiness = reality - expectations. You expected her to die. So your mood is not affected. But what if a sibling died in a car accident? When I think of that, I almost start to tear up myself. I would not be expecting that, and thus would hit me hard.

What you are feeling is actually a healthy response. In stoic philosophy, peak tranquility is being able to abolish all negative emotions and replace them with positive ones. You've already chosen not to dwell on the negative. That's great. Now, how are you going to comfort your mother? By bringing out all the positives of what is a sad situation, so that she doesn't dwell on the pain she feels herself.

Lastly, if you have few shared memories with this grandparent, of course you're not going to feel as strongly.

So, sorry to break it to ya, no, you're not a sociopath. In fact, your examination of the events shows introspection and empathy. Now go call your mom and help her by reminding her how great a life your grandma had. She was lucky to be healthy enough to have children, see her grandchildren, have a full life, and died just in time to avoid seeing xyz become president of the US (replace xyz with Hilary, Trump, Bernie, whoever your family hates the most).

Post: #21

More "sociopaths" and "psychopaths".

OP read these threads. I think some of the same responses will come to you. I don't have enough GIFs for this every time it pops up.

/thread-54253.html


/thread-54664.html

Post: #22

I think the reason you didn't cry, is that, in a sense you already have cried.

You already had a long time (months) to think about and know that your grandmother was going to pass away, so when the event finally happens, you have already gone through the range of emotions that would have experienced.

I have seen this happen with other people and even extended families, where a person was ill for a long time and no one was crying or anything at the service. The people are not crying because they are heartless or didn't care about the person, it is that most of them already went through those emotions weeks, if not months ago, as the ill person was in decline.

Post: #23

We need to officially designate the "psychopath" troll. Third times the charm...


Some people just need to get the fuck off the internet and stop theory jockeying. Christ.

Post: #24

When my (paternal) grandmother died two years ago right before Christmas, I didn't feel much before, during, and after the funeral. Watching my mother and aunt cry, my stoic father look a little somber, and the obvious grief on the faces of the other attendees made me wonder for a time what was wrong with me. I held her hand one last time, hours after her death and all I felt was cold. I felt no tears and wondered if I should, or how I should feel.

When my grandfather eight months after her funeral, I definitely missed him and wished I had spent more time with him, but didn't really feel much grief. Like Kamikaze talked about, I was unsurprised that my grandmother would die (she was old) and that my grandfather would die (it was a miracle he lived to ninety, after being shot nine times in WW2). Honestly, I felt his time had come. His quality of life was not good and the few visits he enjoyed from family were few and far between. His funeral, in fact, made me worry about the mortality of parents, as I had never contemplated that before.

Last year, 15 April, my Father called me to tell me that my mother had suffered a stroke 3,772 miles away. Said with almost heavy voice, that he didn't know what to expect, but if she survived the next twenty four hours, she might have a chance. My mother had not even died, and I instantly had a hoarse throat, heavy heart, and watery eyes. Had to go for a long walk, away from post to give myself time regain composure. I had only just started worrying about her mortality months before and it was now a distinct possibility. I was less than a month away from graduation and getting sent off for training, away from family and friends. The first time I saw her laying the hospital bed, I could barely stand to look at her for more than five seconds before walking outside to lean against the wall. Luckily, she's since recovered a little bit. Though she may never fully be herself again, she's alive and well.

My point? Everyone is affected differently by death, especially because everyone knows the deceased in varying capacities and extents. It's normal to be sad. It's normal to not feel anything. It's normal to wonder if you should.

You're no psychopath. Just human.

G

Post: #25

Old people die. It's what they do.

Gma dying after a year long battle with disease is not a tragedy.

When death strikes out of the blue, to someone who still should have many years left, then it tends to garner a much harsher reaction from those affected.



Does this post make me a psychopath?