Quintus recently recorded
a podcast about burnout but sensed a hidden query accompanying the main question.
I invite everyone to give it a listen, because I think it gives a lucid answer to a question/problem a lot of men who are trying to get out of the matrix are facing.
The feeling of disconnection with others.
When he said that in many ways a Man today who tries to do things the correct i.e. the masculine way is a lonely Man something inside of me clicked. A lot of thoughts rushed into my mind, as if a dam broke somewhere and the raging waters came crashing down.
I had to put them onto paper.
What you are about to read is something which was inspired be Quintus, which is why I dedicate it to him.
Hope you guys, especially Quintus, will like it.
The Peak
Sometimes I wonder why I do this.
Sometimes I wonder why I have put myself into such a situation.
Yes, I really do have to wonder sometimes, how it has come to this, that I suffer so much.
It cannot be due to a matter of my heart as I feel it’s every ferocious beat like a scream into my ear to stop and give myself some rest. But I cannot.
It cannot originate out of my mind as it relentlessly tries to coax me with sweet soothing voices, like murmurs from a nymph within a grotto, to stop and give myself some rest. But I cannot.
There is something else which urges me to go on. To not stop, to not rest, but to move, forward. It is truly difficult to describe what this something is and many Men, much wiser than I, have tried, are trying and will try to decipher it.
But maybe they will never find an answer. Maybe it is something that mustn’t be answered or maybe all of us already know the answer and must only find it; within ourselves.
In the midst of my musings another gust of wind blows into my face and only with all my strength I prevent myself from falling down into the depths. Nature, once again, shows me its might and my own insignificance.
I look down and see how much I’ve already made only to look up and see how much I still have to go. My heart and mind are trying, to persuade me to stop from this foolish endeavor, but to no avail as the it heartens me to go on. Forward. Upward.
Slowly I climb and each move I make sends spasms through my body that wish to make me cry out in pain. But I endure, for the body of Man was made to endure. The more I push myself the more I know that I can push myself a little more. Just a bit, a little bit. Until I reach the peak.
I see a rock protruding from the wall, inviting me to grab it. It was quite far away, more so than usually, but it is something I have done a millions time before. Instead of diligently preparing I did it with a half hearted measure. I got cocky.
Fortune does favor the bold, I thought to myself.
I lunged towards it, grabbed it and before I could secure my hold a whirlwind threw me of balance. Desperately I tried to burry my nails into the stone and could hear and feel the futility – my nails simply got torn off.
Fortune is a cruel mistress, I thought to myself.
I was falling into the abyss and darkness came over me.
Why do I do this?
Why has it come to this?
Why do I have to suffer so much?
Because I have to.
Because it had to.
Because I must.
I’ve tried everything else. I’ve diligently followed the masses on the Road. I wonder how the people are. Probably merry as the Road is a simple walkway which offers ample opportunities for distraction. Instead of being where I am I could have been eating, drinking and enjoying myself.
Yet I did all of that but was not satisfied. Walked on the Road, ate, drank and was merry. But what I’ve indulged on did not sate my appetite, what I drank did not quench my thirst and what I’ve laughed at did not make me happy. I numbed myself into a sedated stupor but I was not fulfilled.
After I came to my senses again I’ve realized something terrifying – that I did not know where I am nor how did I get here. Desperately I tried to ask the masses for information and direction but what they said did not make any sense. Their words confused me. My body slumped down and nobody paid any attention.
The Road got me lost.
I walked where I was supposed to, only to find myself astray.
I ate and drank what I was supposed to, only to find myself starved and parched.
I did what I was supposed to, only to find out that I seem to know nothing about the World.
Ah, yes.
This is what I’ve wanted to know all about – the World.
At that precise moment something within me kindled and it urged me to go. Away, on a different path. I stood up and faced the masses. Slowly I started walking against the crowd and felt how they try to turn me around to follow the current once again. Gently at first but with each step I made more forcefully. Until they threw me out.
Never before have I seen so many people but felt so alone at the same time. I wanted to go back, my heart and mind telling me to do so, but the it pushed me onwards. I’ve realized my disconnection with the people – the cord was severed. Strangely enough I was not angry at them or sad because of my predicament. I accepted the fact and started walking, my own way.
I travelled for what seemed like forever through lands unknown until I came before the Mountain. Words can hardly describe it. Gargantuan, beautiful, horrifying, primal. The it beckoned me to start climbing, like an invisible hand guiding me towards the wall to begin my ascent. Having followed it until now I did not see any reason to stop. As I prepared I saw something in the corner of my eye, something strange, something unbelievable – footprints.
They stopped on different places before the Mountain signaling that those who have come before have also begun their climb. Some I followed with my eyes until I’ve lost them on the horizon which meant they must have started somewhere else. Maybe close or far away, but that did not matter.
What mattered was the fact that I was not alone.
I opened my eyes and found myself lying on a slab of stone meters from where I fell. I stood up, shook down the snow from me, grit my teeth and started climbing once more.
Why do I do this?
Because I have to.
As I climb upon the wall not caring for the howling winds as they try to throw me down.
Why has it come to this?
Because it had to.
As I climb upon the wall not caring for the droplets of rain, raging thunder and flashing thunderbolts trying to scare me down.
Why do I have to suffer so much?
Because I must.
I grab onto a ledge and with the last ounces of my strength pull myself over thinking that I’ve made it. As I roll onto my back I see there is still a long way to go. It seems infinite, never-ending. The mountain, Nature itself is mocking my struggle, showing me with kingly arrogance the idiocy of my actions.
Funny, the ignorance of masses did not bother me when I left them but the arrogance of Nature stirred a furry that I’ve never felt before. I screamed at the top of my lungs letting out all of my anger, sadness, desperation and hopelessness.
I tried, I thought to myself.
I gave my best, I thought to myself.
But it was not enough, I thought to myself.
It just was not enough, I thought to myself.
A tear slid down my check for a moment and turned into ice the next.
The chilling winds did not feel cold anymore but like a summer breeze.
The crispy snow like a mother’s blanket.
I closed my eyes once more and saw pure white engulfing me.
It is enough, I thought to myself.
I can finally sleep.
But a noise did not want to let me rest. Bellowing winds? No, the noise was not like that. Thunder? No, the noise was not like that. Snow tumbling down the mountain? No, the noise was not like that. Snow? Snow… footprints upon the snow! Someone was walking towards me!
Before I could react I felt a hand on my shoulder and another rubbing off the blanket from my face. I looked and saw a man. Not a man, but a Man. His eyes clear, his face showing signs of wear and tear. A Man who has seen things, a Man who knows things.
Behind him I observed more shadowy figures which I was able to make out as they got closer. More Men, different sizes, different types, some with grave injuries and some without. Some were missing whole limbs which made me wonder how they got up until this spot until I’ve remembered that there are probably more paths leading up the Mountain.
Each of them lost something but none of them lost the gleam in their eyes. They were luminous and filled with purpose.
The Man who was looking at me nodded and I nodded back. He offered a hand and I pulled myself up. The other Men started marching once again towards the summit. I wanted to join them posthaste but before that I turned around.
The ledge offered a beautiful view of everything I’ve already travelled through and in the distance I could see the masses of people walking on the Road only to realize that the Road has a circular shape. They are literally walking in circles. But do they know it? Even if they did, would they care enough to act?
Before I could answer any of these questions I looked again towards the Man who saved me. He invited me to join them. Instinctively I’ve answered without a saying a thing. I simply started marching with the group and felt something odd within my chest. The it within me got stronger.
Ah, so this is it – the it.
This is what they call the male spirit
This is what they call the Soul.
Is the Soul the World? Or is the World the Soul? Instead of getting an answer I’ve gotten two questions. The fact amused me.
But one thing I did get to know – that I’ll find the answers to all my questions up there, on the Peak, with the Men. Some of us will probably die on our way, but not one of us will give up. We will not allow ourselves to give up.
For we are Brothers seeking the truth about the World.
Now I know why I do this.
I know why I have put myself into such a situation.
Yes, I know how it has come to this, that I suffer so much.
Because I want to know.