RE: Do you believe in God?
One day I think I might write a book about coming to understand how real the Supernatural Life is. The series of events since July last year has been incredible with both deep insights and knowledge coming from nowhere, particularly how one event has given me later flashes of clarity during a later event, and how some events have echoed and repeated. I lost a girlfriend, and gained a Wife-to-Be. I was given both a Son and a Grandfather. I thought my life was ordered, but have discovered it was only regimented and disciplined.
The guys who privately heard me discuss Generational Curses and Family Demons last year, and, particularly, inheriting the sins of your parents know how I'd resolved to fix it and break the curse, (with me not knowing my Sister had resolved to do the same thing privately). You'll understand how real this was to me in a way a casual reader won't.
There's so much too this, for months now, but I'll give you the Cliff Notes version of the last week and a half, which has been amazing.
- I entered the State of Desolation, and strengthened my resolve to not give up on God.
- Seeking understanding, I was 'led' to the knowledge I needed to combat it.
- This also led me to an Exorcist, who explained that all of Dysfunction is really the result of demonic influence upon our wounds, often all stemming from one Primary Wound that they keep reopening.
- I've done a lot of research into the Blessed Virgin Mary this year, trying to understand why Protestants despise her so much, then considering the usual bracketed suspects were behind the Reformation (two different books by Rabbis taking Jewish claim for it), I understood that there is probably something important there being obscured. ('Mariology' by Rev M. J. Scheeben; 'This Vale of Tears' by AJ West).
- Their interpretations are of Mary being the New Eve, our co-redeemer with Christ, the woman whose heel has the power to crush the head of the Serpent forever.
- The Exorcist also explained that Demons are powerless before the Blessed Virgin, and said if you want to understand your Primary Wound, to approach her as Our Lady of Sorrows, with the Daily Seven Sorrows Devotion, and ask for it to be revealed to you.
- I tried it. Later that day, I, well, just understood that my Primary Wound was my inability to forgive my Father for his physical abuse of my mother, sister and I, and that all sins of Pride naturally extend from that. Everything I do that ever creates 'sin' i.e. dysfunction seemed to connect back to it, like one of those crazy conspiracy maps.
- A few days later, I Fell, after maintaining a State of Grace for a couple of weeks. Later that day, Fisto privately-messaged me. I didn't think his message was accurate, but I thought, "OK that's Pride talking. Even though some of it's obviously-wrong, look for the truth amongst it."
- I focused on what hurt the most to read, then accepted it.
- I then decided I needed to call Dad - something was pushing me - and asked my Sister for his number. He surprised me by saying he'd come over immediately.
- My Dad's a big, imposing man, even for his age. Think the Wrestler Bill Goldberg, but that guy's a pussy next to Dad. It's why my Stepmother is younger than my Sister. But when he showed up, I was surprised at how much me not speaking to him for what must be at least 30 years has injured him. He cried, a lot. I rarely cry, I'm more a 'manly tears' kind of bloke. Hell, I didn't cry over the videos that were linked here a few weeks back.
He praised my beard, took photos, and cried again that I had turned into a 'man'. I sensed that, despite his apparent outwards extreme physicality, he's a very emotionally-weak man.
- As such, I was struck with a sense of pity. That, despite what he looks like from the outside, he's just really, on the inside, a little old man, rather than the Monster I remembered. It's like he shrunk the longer we talked.
- He said to me "I never really understood what I did wrong". When I told Bill the next day - he really-advised me against this - he snorted. (He's seen the scars on my body). "Good emotional manipulation there." Which is pretty much what I thought as it happened.
I said "Well, yeah, but I'm strong enough to bear his bullshit, and I'm tasked to love him anyway."
- I offered to cook him and his wife dinner the next night, and told them to bring my 1 year old stepbrother. I kind of didn't expect them to show up - I figured she'd be suspicious and, being a woman, would be terrified of me poaching financial resources from her children that he adopted, as well as the one they'd had together. When I rang him later that day, he made excuses, and said he'd call me the next day.
I wasn't worried. I fed The Kid and Bill the dinner I'd prepared, telling the Kid what had happened and how - given that I told him to forgive his own father for abandoning him back in January - I wasn't being a hypocrite. It was later both he and I learnt from his Aunt that his Father was, functionally, brain-damaged, and his often bizarre behaviour suddenly made sense in its senselessness to both of us.
- My Father didn't message me until late that night, asking if I wanted to see today. I was getting a bit annoyed at the overcomplication here - I hate texting - so just said "Message me when you have time, and I'll work around you."
- This morning, I prayed the Seven Sorrow Devotion, and asked for my Father's Primary Wound to be revealed to me.
- I thought it was a coin toss today whether he'd show up, but he did, late in the afternoon. With the stress of the first meeting gone, we could open up a bit more. I said I didn't really want to dredge things up, and that blame wouldn't help and to just move forward, but he seemed to need to know why. It seemed to be a sticking point with him and my mother: he mentioned something my Sister said that he'd told her: how my Mother would get pissed off, he'd ask her what is wrong and she'd snap "You should know!"
I've long understood my mother's flaws, so I just laughed: "That's every woman. They expect you to read their minds, or nag you enough that you eventually tune out what they do say."
He looked confused.
I said, "You know, they're being passive-aggressive." I did an imitation. "Fine then, I'll hang out the washing all by myself."
He looked even more confused, so I stopped. "How does it work with [my Stepmum]?"
He shrugged and said "Well she's my friend, and we're straight with each other, so she just yells in my face or hits me when she's angry and I know what I've done wrong."
And then I suddenly understood, clear as day.
His confused looks whenever I discussed deeper emotional concepts, like how when he said "I'm sorry you had to look after your Mum with what happened to her", meaning her long death from cancer, and I said "It taught me a lot about myself, was a humbling experience, and demystified death for me, so I no longer fear it."
His inability to understand why my Sister, my mother or I would be angry with him.
The sense I always had as a child that Dad was interested in his own projects and we were always in the way and that he didn't want us around.
The fact that he'd be passionately-into a new hobby for a while, give it his all, then suddenly lose interest and move onto, meaning, I always had the feeling he took off the coat of my family and put on the coat of his new one.
The fact that, even as a child, I could never understand him, thought he was kind of dumb, and assumed I got my intelligence from my Mother's side.
- For the last thirty minutes, I'd subtly-noted his movements to myself: he'd been fastidiously lining up the placemats on the table just so or his left hand would wander into an absent-minded motion when he'd get excited.
My Father, who looks like the biggest Alpha badarse Player you've ever seen, whom always had women lusting after him and men wanting to be in his orbit, is, in actuality, Autistic.
I mean, he was just my Dad. How does a child know what is normal or not?
But now I can see he doesn't respond to emotional cues and unspoken subtext not because he's a steely-eyed bad boy, but because he genuinely-doesn't understand. His violence was, most likely, frustration over not understanding, the way my nephew pitches a fit when he gets confused and overstimulated.
And, just like that, 35 years of anger and resentment, of striving to achieve in every manner possible and slaying every stunning woman I came across to prove that I wasn't just a discarded coat just melted away, and all that was left was compassion. My father is just a big confused child, and I realised how foolish I'd been in my assessment of him all these years, how arrogant in my own summation, loving my own intelligence.
I'm just an idiot.
My poor, poor parents. Nothing could have ever saved their marriage, or stopped the hurt the divorce caused us all. All I could have ever have done was to forgive them and love them anyway, which I did with caring for her as she died.
With that, I understood that this was never about healing me - I'm stronger than I thought and it matters far less to me than I ever could have imagined - but it's about healing the hurt I've caused him, and that my role going forward is to be a Patient Father to him, not a Wounded Son.
He cried in my arms today, many times. I've joked many times about being Everyone's Dad, and the stable rock that everyone else throws themselves against when they break down, but I didn't understand I'd be the Dad to my own Dad, and too touched by compassion for him to cry myself.
It was only later, when I was alone, that I cried a few manly tears, understanding just how badly I've injured another human being, so long and so deep, despite what he did to me.
I rang my Sister a bit later: "Dad's Autistic, isn't he?"
She sighed gently. "I was praying you'd see it." She saw him earlier this week with her husband, and I'd meant to get together with her to catch up and find out how it went, but it just didn't seem to happen, almost like we were deliberately-kept apart.
"I've been horrible, for years. I forgave him, but I had to really spell it out for him."
"You need to be really direct with him," she said. "Or he doesn't understand."
"I noticed. It's good. I can see he's my emotional responsibility now. That I have to be the Dad as he ages. He's very... hyperemotional."
She nodded. "I think what happened to us mightn't be a bad thing. I think it made us very strong people, in a way he isn't."
I understood. "Strong enough to love him even though he'll hurt us emotionally..."
"... by not understanding he's hurting us." She completed my thought, then sighed again, and a heavy silence hung in the air.
I tried to lift the silence. "I prayed the Seven Sorrows this morning, and asked to understand, and, well, now I do, and it's humbled me deeply."
I'd sent her the devotion last week, but she hadn't commented on it to me yet, so it surprised me when she said she was looking at it an hour ago. "I looked further into it than what you sent me. The promised graces are beautiful."
The first one: I will grant peace to their families.
After we finished, I took a walk up on the Hill and watched the sun set. Some giant burden has been lifted from my shoulders, one I didn't realise I'd been carrying for so many years. Just... serenity.
Yeah, there was a hell of a lot more to this over the last six months: Withdrawing from all entertainment; the fasting; burning a stack of Occult Books a few months back; The Lebanese Woman; a pair of vanishing and returning glasses; even Smellmo and the Possessed Porn Stash. It's all one long, linked process: one deliberate domino falling after another.
Years of studying psychology and valuing Science was for naught, when all it really took was humbling myself before God, and understanding that, despite my intelligence, I really know nothing at all, and paying close attention whenever I felt the sensation of being pushed to do something.
So, yeah, I believe in God. The Supernatural Life is happening all around us, and I both sensed the problem and was lead to the solution, and can see events needed to happen in the order that they happened for it to work with pure forgiveness from my heart rather that trying to wound him with blame that wouldn't have registered with him anyway.
Try tuning into it, and see what you can do in your own lives.
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The following 1 user Likes RatInTheWoods's post:
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and like this 1000 times, I would.
