Post: #1

[I didn't author this, but it's epic...]

Knock knock

Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.

Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.

You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.

Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles!

Come on into the living room.

Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Hey, let's check out the kitchen.

Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.

And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches.

Let's go back into the hallway!

Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back...

Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go!

Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe.

Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.

Now let's talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute!

Wow! I can't believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don't need a box. Just throw it out.

Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on!

See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you!

Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.

I'm back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.

Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we're going to do it again sometime! Maybe I'll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. Good night!

Post: #2

I'm not sure I'd call a beta dudes date night epic. From that story the girl was in the lead the entire time, doesn't sound like anyone on this forum.

Post: #3

(11-16-2015 10:13 PM)cascadecombo Wrote:  I'm not sure I'd call a beta dudes date night epic. From that story the girl was in the lead the entire time, doesn't sound like anyone on this forum.

That's the point

Post: #4

papizan, hilarious

Here's my every girl - every girl who says "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve my best," doesn't have a best.

Every girl who posts 'Well-behaved women rarely make history,' is boring as fuck.

Post: #5

^Anytime a girl uses one of those idiotic, contextually skewed Marilyn Monroe quotes it should be an instant red flag that she's a damaged trainwreck

Edit:

These quotes trigger me

Post: #6

Most girls are boring and basic as shit. These are generally the ones who try to make it out like their lives are the most interesting.

Post: #7

If I see a girl who doesn't list her interests as:
- Wine (It's classy you see and I can only have cocktails when a guys buying because they're like super expensive)
- Gym (I never go but I look really good in my active wear at brunch and it's fun to pretend)
- Travel (See my ubiquitous picture of me posing in front of x landmark during college/uni holidays)
- Netflix (I went through the entirety of Gilmore Girls and Charmed in 2 months!)
- Food (I'm a foodie don't you know, lets have brunch)

I'll die of shock.

Post: #8

Girl I just met, and fucked that says:

"OMG. I cant believe we did that. I never do this. This never happens"

PT :

Post: #9

That story is why you don't do dinners on first dates.

Or ever, pre bang, for that matter.

Post: #10

So many parallels in the original post it' scary. I recently took out a girl who ordered a big pasta dish and had three bites...I asked twice if she wanted a box. "No it's ok"...yada yada yada next. Incredibly wasteful.

Post: #11

It cuts off the ending where she clothes the door, pulls out her phone, and texts Brad to come over and bang her then leave.

Post: #12

"...as empty as my soul."

Ha!
Killer closer.

Post: #13

The more boring the girl, the more elaborate her Facebook page.

Post: #14

None of those things have ever happened to me.

I'd have bailed at "I'm really looking forward to this date."