Post: #1

Okay, I am freaking out a little. It is 2:37am. My ex showed up drunk knocking at my window. I was stupid and let her in. She went into my room and I got something to drink. I came back and she was gone along with my phone. She was in the bathroom going through it.

I got it back and went back to my room. She came in and climbed on top of me and was trying to get it from me. There is nothing threatening in it, I just didn't want her to see the text exchanges I have going with two girls and have her blow up.

So she is talking reminding me how she showed up last week and I tried to rape her! WTF?? She claims she had her sleep monitoring app running and it shows me trying to rape her.

No. She showed up and was frisky and I was tired and wanted to sleep. She kept going until finally I was awake and was ready to go and she backed off. She said she didn't feel like having sex anymore.

I never pushed her down or restrained her. Later on in the early AM she got a text or IM. She jumped up out of bed and said she had to go.

That was the last time I saw her prior to tonight. She showed up drunk again. Now she is telling me she recorded the whole thing and I tried to rape her. That her attorney sent stuff to the police five days ago, etc.

Fortunately I was smart enough to record her with my phone during part of her tirade. I repeated told her not to drive home drunk that I called her a cab. I also texted her saying she should not drive drunk and I hope she gets home okay.

She responded to the text saying she doesn't know what I am talking about and if I don't stop bothering her she will get an order for protection!

I can't afford a lawyer now. My divorce is finally over and now this?

If she did record our previous encounter should I be worried. She showed up unannounced and tried to push herself on me. Only later did I relent. But we did not have sex. Is this entrapment?

Any and all advice appreciated.

Post: #2

Wait and see.

Sounds like the rantings of a drunk woman.

Try and stay calm.

Post: #3

(06-16-2015 02:56 AM)CrashBangWallop Wrote:  Wait and see.

Sounds like the rantings of a drunk woman.

Try and stay calm.

I hope you're right but I am not going back to sleep any time soon.

Post: #4

(06-16-2015 03:00 AM)Caractacus Potts Wrote:  

(06-16-2015 02:56 AM)CrashBangWallop Wrote:  Wait and see.

Sounds like the rantings of a drunk woman.

Try and stay calm.

I hope you're right but I am not going back to sleep any time soon.

We understand. But do your best to relax and stay calm.

If it ends up being nothing, then you'll have gained nothing from freaking out.

If she does make an official allegation, then a calm mind will be your best friend.

You can beat this.

Post: #5

Which country is this in?

Post: #6

The United States

Post: #7

I'm on my way to work. I will check back in a few hours. I really hope this turns out to be nothing but what should I do in the meantime?

Talk to an attorney? Alert my boss? He knows I had a run in with her before and I don't want him to be blindsided by anything. (I work for an agency where anytime we are involved with PD bosses are notified).

Post: #8

Not to come in preach-y, but I would strongly advise in future, even with girls who aren't just hookups, that you get messages from them the next morning saying that they had a great time/enjoyed staying over etc. Screenshot them and save them somewhere. As someone who trained as a lawyer, it is generally very compelling when you are able to produce a record of someone else's words predating an allegation to use to undermine their claims.

As has been said, it is most likely the claims of a drunken, bitter girl trying to get a reaction (assuming your version of events is the correct one). Whether she did or did not report you, it is out of your control now. Worrying or working yourself into a state is counterproductive at this point. Proceed as normal, try to go about your daily life as you would in more regular circumstances. Do not go on long rants at her, or do anything to make yourself look guilty. Do not give credibility to her story with 'Sorry you felt that way' or anything like that.

As far as I can tell, she does not allege rape, she alleges that you 'tried to rape her', which in the confines of a relationship is a pretty grey area. What it really means, assuming you didn't have sex, is that you tried to initiate sex, which she refused, at which point you took no further physical action. I am not an expert in this area of the law by any stretch, although I did far more than the mandatory minimum of criminal and evidence law. My suspicion is that attempted rape within the confines of an otherwise consensual sexual relationship is going to be a very difficult one for her to prove, as all it basically amounts to is you trying to have sex with someone where those actions have previously been welcomed, and on finding that those actions were unwelcome, you ceased trying to have sex with her.

Post: #9

Like the other guys said, try to stay calm, as difficult as that may be. You need to be in a rational, reasonable state of mind to deal with this intelligently, and you can't do that if you let yourself get carried away by you lt emotions. It sounds like she is trying to get you riled up and to manipulate you.

You have to be smart right now, and you cannot let your emotions make you do something that will give her more ammo.

Whatever you do, do NOT have any more contact with her -- especially not alone. Do not put your hands on her or let her put her hands on you. If you give her so much as a bruise, even just trying to get your phone back from her, it's not good.

You were smart to record her. Do that from now on if she tries to interact with you. Do not contact her. If she shows up at your house, do everything you can to make it appear like you aren't even there. Leave the lights off, do not respond to her knocking, etc.

If you used an attorney during the divorce, you might consider contacting him.

Again, do NOT have any more contact with her, especially alone. Do not call her, do not email her, nothing. She will turn even the most innocent interaction against you.

Last thing to remember: don't believe what a woman tells you, believe what her actions show you. She is probably lying her ass off just to screw with you.

Post: #10

(06-16-2015 04:12 AM)H1N1 Wrote:  Not to come in preach-y, but I would strongly advise in future, even with girls who aren't just hookups, that you get messages from them the next morning saying that they had a great time/enjoyed staying over etc. Screenshot them and save them somewhere. As someone who trained as a lawyer, it is generally very compelling when you are able to produce a record of someone else's words predating an allegation to use to undermine their claims.

Curious from a legal perspective what a man would do if he texted, "Hey, I had a great time last night" and girl doesn't respond. As I see, sending this text to get a confirmation could easily backfire if the girl doesn't confirm (or agree). It also implies man initiating the text is slightly concerned and puts power in the girl's hands - if the girl does intend to falsely accuse a man of something, she now knows not to respond to his text. She can then claim, "He raped me, and pretended the next day that we had consensual sex by sending a text." The same is also true with the action of, "Hey, let's go to breakfast together." This can easily backfire if she simply says no. It would be interesting to hear any attorney weigh in on this, as it doesn't seem to be the best move, but this could be wrong.

The only solid protection I see (legally) is recording every encounter because it's hard to say, "It was rape" when the girl is screaming, "Oh yeah, f**k me harder" on film.

Post: #11

(06-16-2015 05:07 AM)SunW Wrote:  

(06-16-2015 04:12 AM)H1N1 Wrote:  Not to come in preach-y, but I would strongly advise in future, even with girls who aren't just hookups, that you get messages from them the next morning saying that they had a great time/enjoyed staying over etc. Screenshot them and save them somewhere. As someone who trained as a lawyer, it is generally very compelling when you are able to produce a record of someone else's words predating an allegation to use to undermine their claims.

Curious from a legal perspective what a man would do if he texted, "Hey, I had a great time last night" and girl doesn't respond. As I see, sending this text to get a confirmation could easily backfire if the girl doesn't confirm (or agree). It also implies man initiating the text is slightly concerned and puts power in the girl's hands - if the girl does intend to falsely accuse a man of something, she now knows not to respond to his text. She can then claim, "He raped me, and pretended the next day that we had consensual sex by sending a text." The same is also true with the action of, "Hey, let's go to breakfast together." This can easily backfire if she simply says no. It would be interesting to hear any attorney weigh in on this, as it doesn't seem to be the best move, but this could be wrong.

The only solid protection I see (legally) is recording every encounter because it's hard to say, "It was rape" when the girl is screaming, "Oh yeah, f**k me harder" on film.

Speaking from experience, they will feel shocked/upset/hurt if they do not get a call or text the next day after a bang, and will respond if you send one. I guess if they were blacked out drunk, they might not remember anything, but you don't want to be getting in those situations anyways(like the one in the OP)

Post: #12

(06-16-2015 05:07 AM)SunW Wrote:  

(06-16-2015 04:12 AM)H1N1 Wrote:  Not to come in preach-y, but I would strongly advise in future, even with girls who aren't just hookups, that you get messages from them the next morning saying that they had a great time/enjoyed staying over etc. Screenshot them and save them somewhere. As someone who trained as a lawyer, it is generally very compelling when you are able to produce a record of someone else's words predating an allegation to use to undermine their claims.

Curious from a legal perspective what a man would do if he texted, "Hey, I had a great time last night" and girl doesn't respond. As I see, sending this text to get a confirmation could easily backfire if the girl doesn't confirm (or agree). It also implies man initiating the text is slightly concerned and puts power in the girl's hands - if the girl does intend to falsely accuse a man of something, she now knows not to respond to his text. She can then claim, "He raped me, and pretended the next day that we had consensual sex by sending a text." The same is also true with the action of, "Hey, let's go to breakfast together." This can easily backfire if she simply says no. It would be interesting to hear any attorney weigh in on this, as it doesn't seem to be the best move, but this could be wrong.

The only solid protection I see (legally) is recording every encounter because it's hard to say, "It was rape" when the girl is screaming, "Oh yeah, f**k me harder" on film.

Eradicator more or less nailed it. Honestly, recording it without consent is just as likely to land you in hot water.

I wouldn't over think the not texting back thing, the kind of girl that does that (in my non-expert opinion) is likely a seriously hardened shagger. Even the girls that have subsequently gone cold on me have always texted back a bit, even if only for a few hours. It does no harm at all to send the text, particularly if you include some sort of compliment ('I had a great time, you looked really cute last night. Did you get home ok?') even if it is lame or some throwaway line. I have a hard time picturing the girl who, having decided to sleep with you, is suddenly repulsed at hearing from you an hour later when you ask if she got home ok (assuming you didn't actually do anything creepy or untoward). A simple 'Hey, ye me too it was fun' as a response from her is all you need to shut down that avenue of potential false claims later.

Post: #13

I need to correct a few misconceptions:

I was not drinking last night or last week. I was home asleep in bed both times when she came by/called and then knocked on my window to wake me up.

She was not blackout drunk. She wasn't sloppy or slurring her words. I could smell alcohol on her breath (both times at the Hockey Game) and you can tell from the recording her vocal tone and tempo are a little off.

This girl was not a pump and dump. She is someone I was with for a year and a half. I do still have feelings for her but I have got to get her out of my life.
Last night when I opened the door to go outside I was not planning on letting her in but she quickly squeezed past me.

She has been all over the place with text messages. She demands that I never contact her again and then she demands that I talk to her. She blocks my phone so I can't respond and then a day later I get a text from her so she has unblocked me.

In case you haven't guessed it she is the one I was referring to in my post about hiding/moving Google search results. She feels that I have ruined her life and now I think she wants to do the same to me. (Of course her drinking too much while on pain meds, being obstinate with the police and then kicking one of them didn't help her cause). She earned herself three felonies and two misdemeanors.

But it is all my fault and she is going to crucify me. Or so she says.

Again, we did not have sex on either one of the two nights. She claims to have recorded last week and I recorded last night.

I'm trying to think if I said or did anything that would get me in trouble.

I don't know if she turned the recorder on as soon as she was in my bed or if that came after she finally got me awake. If it was on the whole time it will have me telling her to go sleep or stating she or I can move to the couch in the living room.

Tuth, sorry for the poor sentence/paragraph structure but this is stream of thought stuff.

Should I email the voice memo to a friend in case something happens to my phone? I am not very tech saavy so I don't know how (or want to) move things to the "cloud".

Her status hearing is up on June 30th. She has said she doesn't want me there. But prior to all of this the cops and ADA's told me I should be there and state I do not wish to proceed on the charge of Domestic Abuse.

I didn't want to pursue it but the police do it for you if you won't. They told me that is because women will often change their minds after they call.

Post: #14

Tuthmosis,

Would you please move this to the proper forum. I didn't mean to post it in the Newbie forum.

Thanks.

Post: #15

I read somewhere on the forum that though it might be illegal to record it is a better charge than a false rape allegation. Clearly, I am not a lawyer but it seems reasonable if you used it to protect yourself and it wasn't an attempt to upload it as porn cooler heads will see the reality. Or at least I hope.

Stay calm. Don't do anything can escalate the matter. If you think your recording truly helps you ask your lawyer if you should make a backup copy and give it to him. Last thing you need is to lose your phone.

Post: #16

The only response to a false rape charge is a scorched earth.

Cease all contact with her.
Make your attorney aware of the situation. As an officer of the court, going on record with him is a good idea.
Go to court and state that you DO want to proceed with the Domestic Abuse charge.

Stop it with the crazy chicks!

Post: #17

It's going to be cheaper to get a lawyer in the long run. You can probably find someway to come up with a few grand, letting her get a rape charge in on you is much, much more costly than an attorney who will probably be able to work with you on payments.

Post: #18

Dude, this chick is in a wild drama roller coaster thrill ride, wrecking everything around her and enjoying all the crazy drama on the way down.

Don't feed the animal. Cease all contact with her. Do not respond to anything she says, not matter how dire or dramatic. Lie still, play dead and hope the rapid drama bear wanders off to tear up something else.

Post: #19

Whatever you do do not communicate with her in any way, and for the love of god do not say "i am sorry" or "this is my fault" or "I was wrong" in any shape of for in text or conversation with this unstable woman- show no remorse of any kind. If you are forced into a situation where she imposes her presence on you be very, very calm- attempt to say nothing and just walk away, if she makes a scene in public act as if she is an angry child and remain calm until you can walk away. If she comes to your home DO NOT ANSWER THE DOOR, if she attempts to break in or becomes belligerent begin filming and call the authorities. No matter what you must remain calm at all times, remember she is a woman and weak like a child , she is just acting out but you are the man, the calm rational man with infinite patience and frame control she is an unstable vindictive volatile woman whom you wish would seek psychiatric help- If the police come that is your stance, "officer this poor woman needs help, she is emotionally unstable and I just want her to get the psychiatric medical attention she so obviously needs" be very, very calm while you say this. Do not raise your voice, do not get defensive, feign concern for her mental well being if police are involved. Your calm demeanor will likely enrage her further and bolster your credibility, and cause her to act even more volatile with police as witnesses. As it stands from your story if you remain calm, and do not involve your work supervisor unless absolutely necessary, you should be able to come out of this relatively unscathed. Remember she cannot effect your mood unless you allow her to, because you are a calm, rational man in total control of your emotional state and(although she is nuts and trying to get a negative reaction from you) you just hope that poor damaged girl just gets the help she needs.

Post: #20

Nothing new since this morning but I thought I would share the texts. These are at 2:03am. Shortly after she left

CP: Please be careful going home. You should not be driving after drinking.

Her: What are you talking about? Leave me alone crazy. I've asked you countless times to stop talking to me. Adhere to it. Please.

CP: Very well. But please stop showing up here drunk in the middle of the night. Thank you.

Her: I'd suggest you stop lying and contact my friends.* They don't believe anything you say, so stop being a crazy pervert rapist. Thanks.

And, CP, before you start lying AGAIN on record, please remember that it's a criminal offense. You're not above the law.

CP: Her, I have refrained from contacting you as you asked. Now please stop showing up at my home drunk in the middle of the night and acting provocatively.

Her: So stop lying to me and hire an attorney. You're going to need one.

I haven't shown up drunk at your house once. Stop lying. Again. You make me sick.

Seriously. No more texts or I'll file an order of protection.

I'm not sure what she means about lying on record. I didn't want to pursue the domestic violence charge and I told the police and the State's Attorneys office the same thing when this first started.

Post: #21

(06-16-2015 11:44 AM)Caractacus Potts Wrote:  Nothing new since this morning but I thought I would share the texts. These are at 2:03am. Shortly after she left

CP: Please be careful going home. You should not be driving after drinking.

Her: What are you talking about? Leave me alone crazy. I've asked you countless times to stop talking to me. Adhere to it. Please.

CP: Very well. But please stop showing up here drunk in the middle of the night. Thank you.

Her: I'd suggest you stop lying and contact my friends.* They don't believe anything you say, so stop being a crazy pervert rapist. Thanks.

And, CP, before you start lying AGAIN on record, please remember that it's a criminal offense. You're not above the law.

CP: Her, I have refrained from contacting you as you asked. Now please stop showing up at my home drunk in the middle of the night and acting provocatively.

Her: So stop lying to me and hire an attorney. You're going to need one.

I haven't shown up drunk at your house once. Stop lying. Again. You make me sick.

Seriously. No more texts or I'll file an order of protection.

I'm not sure what she means about lying on record. I didn't want to pursue the domestic violence charge and I told the police and the State's Attorneys office the same thing when this first started.

Post: #22

^ I seriously would have beaten her ass. I'm not saying you should but that's too much for me.

Post: #23

(06-16-2015 11:44 AM)Caractacus Potts Wrote:  Nothing new since this morning but I thought I would share the texts. These are at 2:03am. Shortly after she left

CP: Please be careful going home. You should not be driving after drinking.

Her: What are you talking about? Leave me alone crazy. I've asked you countless times to stop talking to me. Adhere to it. Please.

CP: Very well. But please stop showing up here drunk in the middle of the night. Thank you.

Her: I'd suggest you stop lying and contact my friends.* They don't believe anything you say, so stop being a crazy pervert rapist. Thanks.

And, CP, before you start lying AGAIN on record, please remember that it's a criminal offense. You're not above the law.

CP: Her, I have refrained from contacting you as you asked. Now please stop showing up at my home drunk in the middle of the night and acting provocatively.

Her: So stop lying to me and hire an attorney. You're going to need one.

I haven't shown up drunk at your house once. Stop lying. Again. You make me sick.

Seriously. No more texts or I'll file an order of protection.

I'm not sure what she means about lying on record. I didn't want to pursue the domestic violence charge and I told the police and the State's Attorneys office the same thing when this first started.

This girl is crazy.

I bolded the part that I think in hindsight you should have stopped. Any attorney is free to weigh in here, but I don't think that you texting what you did after provides evidence for innocence. This is similar to the example and doubt I mentioned earlier where the girl contradicts what you're saying, like she's building a case with evidence knowing that the court will favor her.

I would seriously stay away. What an attorney might help you with is how the court would look at things if you initiate a restraining order on her (ie: beat her to it). Since she's accusing you falsely of things, and she continues to show up, you pressing for a restraining order would be the rational behavior of someone who's tired of being harassed. But I am not attorney and am unsure of how you initiating a restraining order would look with the courts.

Post: #24

So let me get this right, she's recorded you and is going to submit that, and you've recorded her but are afraid to submit that.

Get a lawyer now, and make sure you are at that hearing. Psychopaths have successfully false rape charged men before, often because of the tactical mistakes of the man. Read up on prior examples so you don't make the same mistakes. Don't want to see this end up on another reddit AMA.

Post: #25

Play any relationship you might have with a member of the PD and let them know what's going on.

A friend in law enforcement who can shade any potential action on your part is a huge help.