Post: #1

Many of us experience events that put us in a state of stress/ paranoia from time to time. How do you stay indifferent/ stay calm throughout the whole ordeal?

Briefly. The thing that's worrying me right now is the fact that I might be facing jail time in a military prison because of a fight I got dragged into in April. The incident was only brought up today, a month later and my superior officer told me that the other parties involved have written statements and asked me to write mine, which I have.

I basically placed the blame on the guy who threw the first punch and said his behaviour was unprovoked and I responded appropriately in order to subdue him,

Have no idea how this would Pan out. I hope it would be informal punishment rather than a jail sentence, and If it is a jail sentence, I'm not mentally prepared for it.

Advice?

Post: #2

You tell yourself that you did everything you could. I'd try to hire some sort of lawyer and take their advice.

Taking deep breaths will lower your heart rate and blood pressure will calm your mind when you seem to be getting really overwhelmed to the point of getting sidetracked.

Inhale for a count of 5 and exhale for a count of 5.

But back to your original question: first you make sure you actually did everything you could do in this case. As for getting yourself ready for time in prison, go into survival mode and keep your ass down and your head up, don't drop the soap in the shower. Try and take like 2 minute showers to minimize the possibility of getting ass raped in the prison showers, just wash your underarms, feet and face and rinse off and get out.

Post: #3

First, some level of worry is normal -- it would be strange if you weren't worried at all about events that can affect your life. Worry is just your brain's way of reminding you that you should do what is in your power to prevent negative outcomes from happening and to increase the chances of positive outcomes. So to start with, accept that you will have some worry, and don't worry about being worried.

Second, you should heed the signal that your brain is sending you by nagging you with worry and do something about the situation. In this case if you are worried about possible charges, you should find a good military lawyer and consult him about what your strategy should be. Don't do anything rash, and don't make any statements that can be used against you; find out what your rights are and make use of them.

Third, the thing you want to avoid is excessive worry, or worry that becomes obsessive and counterproductive. The cause of excessive or debilitating worry is usually the irrational idea that a negative outcome is so unthinkably terrible that it must not happen; it would just be the end of the world if it does, so it MUST NOT. This is irrational on a number of levels:

-- First, you can only do your best, but you have no complete control over events. So thinking that something MUST NOT happen is pointless, because reality does not have to conform to your beliefs. So you should accept that whatever you do, negative outcomes can happen, whether you are "mentally prepared" for them or not, and that's that. Accepting this make you less likely to worry obsessively.

-- Second, the idea that a negative outcome would be unthinkably terrible is usually greatly exaggerated. Even if worse came to worst and you were to get charged and get some jail time, it would be unfortunate and something that should be avoided if possible, but very likely it would not be unthinkably terrible. These are not very serious charges from what it sounds like, so even in the worst case it would likely be a short sentence and not in a max security facility, you would be quite likely to make it through the jail time more or less unscathed, etc. It is very rare that the negative outcome one worries about is really catastrophic, so it's worth realizing that. Think of it as something that would be unfortunate, but not HORRIBLE or UNTHINKABLE.

-- Third, the odds of the negative outcome actually happening are often exaggerated. In your case, there aren't even any charges yet, and quite possibly, maybe likely, there won't be any. Even if there are, you may well beat them or get a punishment short of jail time. Part of excessive worry is the irrational idea that the negative outcome is necessarily the most likely one; this is another irrational idea to be recognized and dismissed.

********

In short, some worry is normal and the correct reaction to it is take charge of the situation to the extent possible and do what is in your power to ensure the best outcome. Excessive worry is an emotion that proceeds from irrational thoughts: the negative outcome MUST NOT happen; it would be UNTHINKABLY TERRIBLE if it did; and it is VERY LIKELY to happen. Recognize that these thoughts are irrational and dismiss them from your mind; recognize when you have such thoughts and dispute them if and when you do.

For more on all this, check out Dusty's great REBT thread:

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Post: #4

Thank you guys for your advice. Lizard of oz, this is just what I needed to hear. I'll keep you updated on what's happening. Basically I wrote my statement like this "I gave him a hug, he struck me and I responded accordingly so as to stop him from striking me. So and so restrained the agressor thereafter."

Post: #5

It's easier said than done, but a few things that help me:

1. Accept the situation you are in. It is happening, whether you worry or not, you are where you are and you must accept that and internalise it.

2. The most important part of accepting something is to assess whether you made the best decision you could have made, with the information available, at the time of taking the action. Forget about current consequences, forget about future issues that are only now becoming clear. At the time of taking any particular action (whether it's hitting someone, or making a business decision), did you make the best decision you could have done in the circumstances, given any variables of time, pressure, missing facts etc. Forget about whether it was the 'right' decision, was it the best decision available to you.

In your situation, if you hugged a friend and he lashed out and it was genuinely unprovoked and unforeseeable, and you felt that there was a continuing threat, then taking a short, sharp, relatively harmless (to the person) action, may well have been the best decision available.

3. Control the unfolding situation. Allow concern over the unfolding situation to sharpen your senses, and drive you to assess all angles as they emerge. Stay ahead of any emerging issues and try not to be blindsided by anything. Try to assert a degree of control over how things proceed - basically try not to be completely reactive, rather be proactive where possible, and where you can take a calculated risk that you will not exacerbate the situation.

This is a SERE principle - win small victories where you can, and concentrate on the next small victory. That will give you something positive to work towards while other shitty stuff may be coming your way.

Post: #6

Figure out what is within your control and, therefore, worthy of your worries. Worrying about something is only good as a motivator.

If you cannot control something, worrying is pointless. More than that, though, worrying is counterproductive as it takes your attention and resources away from things you can actually do something about. It also creates stress and negative energy that will affect other aspects of your life.

If you make a mistake, accept responsibility. If you can remedy a situation, do so. If you have to slay a dragon, slay that dragon. But never concern yourself with things outside your control.

Post: #7

Read Carnegie about how to conquer worry.

Post: #8

For me the following works quite well:

1. Write down the things I have to do and the things I am worrying about, this takes them out of my head and onto my list.
2. Exercise- I'm always far calmer after a 10k run or an hour cycling
3. Mindfulness- Even a 5 minute guided meditation from a smart phone app makes things much clearer to me
   

I've been in business with guys who were in a hole for millions and completely calm, Then someone else having problems with a €50k a year business and ending up having a breakdown. It's not the issues it's how you deal with them.

Post: #9

Worrying about it will do nothing. Take action and prepare for the worst outcome.

Call for help and see who your REAL friends are...

Post: #10

Meditation. There are many offerings of legit (non-cult) free sessions around, including mindfulness groups.

Also.. learning to separate worrying about things you cannot control from things you can.

I think I saw on 60 Mins, the Tv show, this ex Navy Seal, say that he taught himself not to worry about stuff that is like farther away than 3 feet from him (something like that). Basically if he can't touch, see, or hear it, it probably is not something he truly needs to worry so much about.

Post: #11

Thanks for the responses guys.

Yes it is silly to worry about something out of your control; like how hydrochondriacs worry about diseases.

I'll lie low for the time being and hope for the best. I honestly do doubt that my superior officer will take action, if it happens it happens, if it doesn't, it doesn't.

Post: #12

I'll be plagiarizing this if shit blows up.

"This was the only option I had, my safety was on the line"


quote='H1N1' pid='1014982' dateline='1430913014']
It's easier said than done, but a few things that help me:

1. Accept the situation you are in. It is happening, whether you worry or not, you are where you are and you must accept that and internalise it.

2. The most important part of accepting something is to assess whether you made the best decision you could have made, with the information available, at the time of taking the action. Forget about current consequences, forget about future issues that are only now becoming clear. At the time of taking any particular action (whether it's hitting someone, or making a business decision), did you make the best decision you could have done in the circumstances, given any variables of time, pressure, missing facts etc. Forget about whether it was the 'right' decision, was it the best decision available to you.

In your situation, if you hugged a friend and he lashed out and it was genuinely unprovoked and unforeseeable, and you felt that there was a continuing threat, then taking a short, sharp, relatively harmless (to the person) action, may well have been the best decision available.

3. Control the unfolding situation. Allow concern over the unfolding situation to sharpen your senses, and drive you to assess all angles as they emerge. Stay ahead of any emerging issues and try not to be blindsided by anything. Try to assert a degree of control over how things proceed - basically try not to be completely reactive, rather be proactive where possible, and where you can take a calculated risk that you will not exacerbate the situation.

This is a SERE principle - win small victories where you can, and concentrate on the next small victory. That will give you something positive to work towards while other shitty stuff may be coming your way.
[/quote]

Post: #13

Booze.

Post: #14

Put more weight on the bar