Post: #1

We all know this guy — or are this guy: in his 30s, affable, attractive, and yet he’s never been in a serious long-term relationship. And as his single status stretches into a third decade, one has to wonder: What’s the deal? Far from being undateable, this guy may simply not be ready to change his independent ways. Or, he may be all too willing to do so — but something’s blocking him. If you feel you may fall into the latter category (or know someone who does), stop worrying about what’s slowing you down and read on to learn about how five types of die-hard bachelors contribute to their perpetually single status and what steps to take to break the cycle.

The workaholic
For the guy who makes work priority number one, a relationship can seem like a hindrance for which he hasn’t the time or energy. It’s likely that he’s set lofty career goals for himself — perhaps finishing medical school, rising to make partner in his law firm or starting his own business — with personal deadlines (say, by age 35). Take it from Doug, 31, of Washington, D.C.: “My main focus is getting to a point in my career where I am stable and accomplished enough to move on to a job that I really want to do,” he says. “I can’t sacrifice or compromise my career path for anyone yet.”

Reality check: Waiting for the “right time” isn’t the solution, according to Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of DSI: Date Scene Investigation. “This guy needs to understand that life doesn’t start when he schedules it,” Dr. Kerner points out. And it needn’t be a lonely climb to the top: rather than derail his career, a supportive mate could provide stability, encouragement and an attentive ear. And for the guy who is working to become husband material, consider this: 91 percent of women in a Match.com survey reported that they tend to fall in love with a moderately successful career person with a balanced life rather than a very successful workaholic.

The partier
For this guy, weekends in Vegas and hitting up the newest parties and clubs has too much appeal to entertain the possibility of settling down. Says self-described “committed bachelor” Sean, 30, of Brooklyn: “I go out to have a good time — mingle, dance, have fun — and not to meet someone.”

Reality check: As the Seans of the world mature, they may notice that their party-hearty peers are becoming fewer in number or that the average age of his social circle — and of his dates — remains constant as he ages. Another warning sign? More numbers in his cell phone for “friends with benefits” than those belonging to actual friends. The bottom line is, for all the fun of casual encounters and late nights out, a partier would do well to understand that a committed relationship has its own joys, too — even excitement and novelty. “These guys are adrenaline junkies, and they fear that a commitment to one person will be no fun,” says Dr. Kerner. “But really getting to know one person in a relationship can be a source of passion and adrenaline, too.”

The shy guy
It’s a fact: Meeting women requires conversation — which can be problematic for a shy guy and can stunt his relationship prospects. “I go out with the express purpose of meeting people, but I hardly ever screw up enough courage to talk to strangers,” admits Alex, 31, of Raleigh, NC. “Even if I do, I wuss out and leave before I get anywhere.”

Reality check: Rather than forcing social behavior in a high-stress situation, like at a loud nightclub, shy guys may be better off searching for potential mates who share the same affinities. “The shy guy doesn’t have to walk up to someone cold,” says Dr. Kerner. “Instead, he should put himself in situations that present opportunities for easy conversation.” Dr. Kerner suggests theater clubs, team sports or anything else with expectations for regular participation, like volunteering. Or, if you do start dating someone, suggest making it a double date or an activity date, thereby reducing the pressure of a one-on-one outing.

The too-picky guy
For all his many, many first dates, this guy is resolutely single, never having met anyone who quite fits his mold for the ideal mate. He is convinced that there is someone out there and is alternately determined to find The One or frustrated by his inability to do so. Says Andrew, 30, of Scarsdale, NY: “It’s impossible for me to compromise. I can’t settle for someone who doesn’t attract me physically, emotionally, intellectually and so on.” Compounding this inability to compromise is the belief that perfection in another personal really exists — a notion that could lend itself to fantasies of discovering love at first sight. “A guy with impossibly high standards may fall for someone, but then he’ll see this person’s flaws and imperfections and become disappointed,” says Dr. Kerner. Unfortunately, this can lead to discounting potentially great matches, as the picky guy may be unwilling to give a date with, say, a tendency to use emoticons in emails or “too short” hair a chance.

Reality check: What these guys need to accept is that no one’s perfect — and include themselves in that statement. And, in Dr. Kerner’s opinion, “There is no such thing as a soul mate,” he says. “Rather, it’s the journey of building a great relationship over time that leads to a ‘soul mate’-type of closeness.” So the next time you’re iffy about a girl, give her more of a chance before you write her off.

The none-of-the-above guy
Of course, there are guys who might not fall into (just) one of these categories, who are comfortable with themselves, outgoing and trying to meet someone to share their lives with — but for whom it just hasn’t happened yet. Guys like “chronically single” Greg, 30, of Boston, explains: “I’m ready to give my heart to someone and to do some hard work to find her, but I have yet to find that person.”

Reality check: Keeping adages such as “Love happens when you least expect it” in mind may not totally assuage feelings of “What the heck is going on here?” Suffice to say that this still-single guy is not alone — and won’t be for long if he keeps an open mind, gets active in organizations that provide opportunities to meet others and gives luck (or some effort) a chance to work. “Regardless of his circumstances, the important thing for a single guy in his 30s to do is to put himself in situations where he’s meeting women — whether it’s making time to join in activity groups, dating online or signing up for singles’ events,” says Dr. Kerner. So, single guy, keep your chin up and continue taking those leaps of faith into the dating pool. Sooner or later, you’ll find someone who sees you for the catch you truly are.

Matt Schneiderman is a writer based in New York City.


Article courtesy of Happen magazine, http://www.happenmag.com.


http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?ar...rID=689629

Post: #2

Workaholic partier here.

Ill keep the friends with benefits thanks. No alimony payments to worry about.

Post: #3

i was married twice and am in my mid-30s. i have a 7 year old brazilian born daughter... luckily, no alimony to pay as her mom's family is really rich

no way to marry again

Post: #4

I'm an unwilling workaholic and very willing partier (note for other guys here: going to medical school is a great way to cost yourself notches). The shy guy sounds like your typical C&C beta male.

Post: #5

They are missing one....

The Traveling Man Whore that just aint ready for a relationship!

Which I clearly fall under! lmao

Post: #6

I definitely fall into the shy category

I have to point something out Houston. Every single one of these categories sends a subliminal message that it is "BAD" to WANT to be single in your 30's, and ends each category with a "solution" to help you no longer be single eventually....as if there were something wrong with you

Or am I reading this totally wrong?

I for one, do not think that any man that has had a successful life, been thorough scores of women, traveled to dozens of countries and made $$$ out of something he worked hard for...should "keep his chin up" as the article says and hope for a resolution to his "problem" later on.

Granted some guys truly do not know what they want, but I know what I don't want: a one sided contract or relationship that favors women in every aspect.

Everyone worries about turning 50, and being "alone"...reality check: At 50, I see myself like the smooth talking DOS EQUIS beer commercial guy.....think he's alone?






The older you get, the further south you should travel, and alone is something you will look forward to from all the 20 year old college girls harassing you in Colombia.

Kids are overrated, and relationships more so....

I'm 36...and if I am still single at 46....I'd consider that success!!! But then again, I have my very own category no analyst/psychologist or love investigator can ever understand.

Mixx

Post: #7

I appreciate Mixxs life philosophy, and I definitely hope to be as successful (in my own way, of course) as he is, or at least as he makes it sound, ha!

But thank God not everyone thinks like him or we'd all be fucked.

For the record, I intend to get married and have kids. Loads and loads.

But I won't let that stop me from having fun! (thank you au pairs and mistresses)

Post: #8

This is a very silly article that equates being single as some kind of disease or problem.

Being single is NATURAL and relationships based on contractual sexual ownership (in other words, marriage) are UN-NATURAL.

Throw me in the 'single and sane' category.

Post: #9

My best guess is that the entire article was written, edited, and published by one being: A PISSED-OFF WOMAN!

Mixx

Post: #10

I'll be 43 in August and my hitting streak of no wife and no kids still stands. I learned early while in the military that a wife (unless she's rich) is a liability. 70% of the women married to troops or long term girlfriends cheated on their men on a regular basis. That coupled with "The Talk" from mom at the age of 14 about the games that women play didn't help. I'll never forget the last eight words she said to me before she walked out of my room- "Son, anything goes when it comes to hoes". I never got my heart crushed again.

Post: #11

(05-22-2011 12:13 PM)vinman Wrote:  I'll be 43 in August and my hitting streak of no wife and no kids still stands. I learned early while in the military that a wife (unless she's rich) is a liability. 70% of the women married to troops or long term girlfriends cheated on their men on a regular basis. That coupled with "The Talk" from mom at the age of 14 about the games that women play didn't help. I'll never forget the last eight words she said to me before she walked out of my room- "Son, anything goes when it comes to hoes". I never got my heart crushed again.

LMAO! Cool post. I have not heard that saying in a few years. I grew up my teen-age years listening to that song.





Mixx

Post: #12

(05-22-2011 08:18 AM)MiXX Wrote:  Everyone worries about turning 50, and being "alone"...reality check: At 50, I see myself like the smooth talking DOS EQUIS beer commercial guy.....think he's alone?

I've been married once already and I'm about to turn 26. The beta inside says "Never beeee alllooooone!!!!", but following that advice got me into a shitload of bad relationships. Fuck that guy.

As long as you keep your head straight, being single for a long time, if not the rest of your life is not a bad thing.

Post: #13

(05-22-2011 09:26 AM)Lumiere Wrote:  This is a very silly article that equates being single as some kind of disease or problem.

I know! I wouldn't be surprised if the author is really a faggot or female

Post: #14

Here's a picture of the author of that "article," Matt Schneiderman. He has beta-chump face (or gay-dude face) to me. I can almost imagine his interactions with women. Why would I take "dating advice" from this clown?

   

Post: #15

(05-22-2011 05:26 PM)Tuthmosis Wrote:  Here's a picture of the author of that "article," Matt Schneiderman. He has beta-chump face (or gay-dude face) to me. I can almost imagine his interactions with women. Why would I take "dating advice" from this clown?

He might not actually be human. I think the guy is just some office drone prototype.

As for the article itself, it is just telling guys to "do what's right" by getting ready for marriage and weekend trips to Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Keep your hopes up that some princess will fall into you lap "when you least expect it". Just another example which shows us why the mainstream advice about relationships is always either flat out wrong or bad for men.

Post: #16

Is it possible to be all of them?

Post: #17

This article is just an exercise in shaming, one designed to get men to "sign on the dotted line" so to speak and enter contract en masse with women.

The problem is encompassed within a few of financial analogies I personally am fond of using: return on investment, risk, and the role incentives play in driving behavior.

1. Return on Investment(ROI): Most modern American women have a very poor ROI, especially for a reasonably successful, financially secure (or affluent) single guy in his 30's/40's. That guy is in his prime: with the affluence, experience and confidence he has attained over time, he can (assuming he's stayed in decent shape) pretty much have his pick of women.

This guy (rich, older, in shape) is the "Mr Big" that all the women want to snag, but they fail to realize that he has no incentive to let them snag him. To do so, he'd need to give up his sexual access to a wide variety of women, give up his financial freedom(tying much of it to her) and give up his independence. This all amounts to a massive investment, so we have to ask: what is the return? What does a woman bring to the table in return for all of the investment Mr. Big makes by committing to her?

To put it simply: Women are depreciating assets. This episode of the Tom Leykis show is a perfect descriptor of the topic. If you guys don't know about Tom Leykis, get on Youtube and start listening, there are hundreds of his shows recorded and posted there. He's like Roissy's father.





To summarize the video: The average American woman, even when attractive in her mid-20's, is a depreciating asset who would give Mr. Big a negative return on his investment. They just don't bring much to the table aside from their looks(which will deteriorate), and are thus better off rented or leased than bought(read: married).

American Mr. Bigs (and even the Mr. Above Averages or Mr. Somewhat Larges) are figuring this out, and they are selling their stock en-masse. The author of this article can't change that reality.

2. Risk: As noted above, men give up a lot and expose themselves to a lot by getting married. Marriage is a great deal for women: it provides them with more security, minimizing the risks that they would otherwise face. Men don't get those benefits, but instead receive more risks, which come primarily in the form of rather unfavorable divorce laws. By signing on the dotted line, they give a woman the opportunity to take half of his assets, his home and his children whenever she pleases, regardless of what he does and how good he is.

Does your average financier regularly take on extremely risky investments? Not often, especially when they don't offer the potential for extremely high returns(as noted in point one, ROI). Men aren't going to do things any differently.

3. Incentives drive behavior: This is a common saying in the financial world and it applies elsewhere as well. The female empowerment movements that began in the 60's and 70's accelerated the death of the patriarchy. Patriarchs(male heads of the family, "family guys") are no longer valuable, respected or widely appreciated in this society.

The "nice guys" who often evolve into the best "family guys" (the ones who would be most willing and able to get married and stay that way) are frequently avoided by women in this society in favor of men with less of a "nesting" demeanor (men generally referred to as "bad boys" for their lack of pedestalization of women and their unwillingness to embrace the traditional family man role). Guys who were raised to adhere to this role are, in quite large numbers, voicing their disappointment with their treatment by their female peers who don't seem to appreciate or respect them.

Why don't American women appreciate/respect them? Because while men have been raised to be "respectful" of women and pedestalize them (lest they be labelled misogynists), women have been raised to shake off those old traditional gender roles.

In other words, we've created an entirely new game with new rules that we allow women to play freely, but we haven't brought men up to speed. They're still playing by the old rules, and are thus getting caught off guard when they realize that "being nice" and doing everything a woman wants isn't the way to her heart. This society creates "nice guys" and then summarily makes it very difficult for them to succeed. This naturally breeds resentment, further eroding any incentive to play by the "traditional" rules and marry.

Watch American TV and you'll see many patriarchs portrayed on sitcoms and other shows as bumbling morons, outsmarted by their small female children and all of the women in their life.

In other words, what we are seeing is a society where men who want to marry, become family men and adhere to that type of traditional role and commitment are rejected, cheated on, and roundly insulted. The women don't appreciate them and the divorce laws are punitive.

There is ZERO incentive in this society to become a patriarch. Every card is stacked against them form the word "go" (childhood, when he's told how "being nice" wins women's hearts).

Of course, zero incentive to marry creates a lot of incentive to go the opposite route: play the field, and remain free. That path breeds a far happier existence in this society than "being a nice guy" and "manning up" to marry a woman does, which is why so many guys are taking it.

Nothing short of a widespread and fundamental shift in the way this society views and treats men (especially patriarchs) and how women behave and view men will stop this trend.

Post: #18

I look at marriage the way I look at having an office job. It's a good option for a lot of AVERAGE guys who want something stable in their life. A guy who is above average intelligent, creative and entrepreneurial has no need for an office job as he can get a much better return running his own biz. But not everyone has what it takes to an entrepreneur so working a corporate job gives them a tradeoff between their freedom and being able to make a living. In much the same way, a guy who is at the top of his game with women has no real incentive to get married if he always has easy access to sex with a fine pick of attractive women. But let's be honest, that lifestyle(like the Dos Equis guy) is out of reach for the majority of men. So it may actually be a decent option for a very average guy who'd rather have some stability and regular access to sex rather than be out at bars and clubs every night at age 45 looking for ass. It's also a good route to go if you want a family. I feel like this...once you hit a certain age(maybe in the 40s or so), you should be developed enough so that you don't have to LOOK for women. I know the Dos Equis guy MIXX posted above is caricature, but just using him an example, a guy like that ain't going to be out approaching women with some female opinion at clubs every night. An older playboy type of cat like that is going to have made a nice nest egg, have mad social proof, probably have a phat condo overlooking some beach somewhere and likely turns away more women than he fucks. If you're a guy at that age still coming up with routines at bars and clubs, then just hang it up and find a decent wife somewhere. Hell, buy one from Ukraine or Colombia if you have to.

Post: #19

I fit the workaholic stereotype and I am only 18, ugh!

Try having to deal with parents who expect you to put grades before anything else and it turns into a pain.

I am not the too picky guy but some types of girls just don't attract me.

Post: #20

Athlone; great summary. I knew intuitively what you're saying about ROI-- Now I'm 55 and so glad not to be a slave to child support and that I haven't had to build everything up twice. .

NOW the ROI to go to Ukraine/Columbia/Uruguay[anywhere but 1st world] and get a 22 year old wife is worth it, as long as she's not a party girl.

But before I do that, I'm going to make very clear, in a more diplomatic way of course-- I have the money here, I'm the boss, and if you argue pretty much about anything: I go, and my money goes with me. ( Of course this requires staying in a country without confiscatory divorce laws). If she's rich she can leave whenever she wants and is easily replaced. I don't care about luxury. Or rather, the biggest luxury is a sweet wife/GF who doesn't bitch.

And ALL kids get genetically tested for paternity. (You don't have to ask/tell her about that.)

It's a much better position than in the USA, where SHE can say ( even at 50 and ruined appearance-wise: ) " I have the law here, and if you argue, I go, and YOUR money goes with ME."
Easy choice.

In some ways, although my income is low, it's an advantage I have a pension rather than assets in a brokerage or whatever in that it's indisputable that I earned that pension before I ever met the particular demon. The lawyers at the pension fund are experienced and wary about women going after pensions they had nothing to do with earning.

The time period I worked and earned the pension is documented and indisputable, and the date of any marriage will clearly be outside of those dates.

Of course, in the USA they can attach it for child support, but not for a post work career greedy b^&th.

Post: #21

Right on Athlone McGinnis !

Just 1% of the world are men made to be successful, who'll fall and get back up, become richer and more successful and are living the life others dream of.

The other 99% are the sheep the 1% needs to achieve his targets. Women don't have this category; a smart, beautiful, rich woman who continuously works on her personality doesn't exists. And I'm not talking about a nice, feminine personality yet... She'll settle with the personality she has. Nature urges her to settle and to search for security (marriage, kids,...).

It doesn't matter how you look at it: if you belong to this 1%, marriage will have a negative influence on you. There's no chance it will improve your social, financial, creative or personal status as a man in this category. On the contrary.

Post: #22

(05-22-2011 09:03 PM)speakeasy Wrote:  I look at marriage the way I look at having an office job. It's a good option for a lot of AVERAGE guys who want something stable in their life. A guy who is above average intelligent, creative and entrepreneurial has no need for an office job as he can get a much better return running his own biz. But not everyone has what it takes to an entrepreneur so working a corporate job gives them a tradeoff between their freedom and being able to make a living.

Let's not loose perspective here.

There are plenty of roles in corporate America(as well as medicine, science and even government) for above average guys with above average intellect and skill to make a well above average living.
The banker, his managing directors, the "Big-Law" associate and the partner he works for all work "office jobs". They're also not average, and they quite easily pull over a quarter million American dollars a year.

I understand the appeal of the entrepreneurial spirit and the freedom it can offer in theory, but it is not the end all and be-all of success, nor is it necessarily superior to every corporate path out there.

Post: #23

Can someone write an article, "5 types of guys who get married before they are 35"

1. The Boring Loser that Snagged an Average Chick
2. The Guy That Has Only Had Sex with One Girl, His Wife
3. The Guy That Does What All His Friends Do And Doesn't Want To Get Left Out
4. The Poor Short Term Decision Maker
5. The Guy Whose Parents Still Tell Him What To Do

Post: #24

(05-22-2011 01:15 PM)SFTD Wrote:  

(05-22-2011 08:18 AM)MiXX Wrote:  Everyone worries about turning 50, and being "alone"...reality check: At 50, I see myself like the smooth talking DOS EQUIS beer commercial guy.....think he's alone?

I've been married once already and I'm about to turn 26. The beta inside says "Never beeee alllooooone!!!!", but following that advice got me into a shitload of bad relationships. Fuck that guy.

As long as you keep your head straight, being single for a long time, if not the rest of your life is not a bad thing.

That "Never beeee alllooooone" voice is a bitch! The even sadder part about being needy and getting into bad relationship because of neediness is that many times you'll end up turning what could've been a wonderful and advantageous 'friends with benefits' relationship, into a tragic, never should've been tried, 'committed' relationship! Most women were never designed for you to marry! (or move in with) MOST situations are better left friends with benefits or fk buddies. I can honestly say that about my last girlfriend. As long we she and I were just hanging out, partying, fking, and eating out, we were perfect! She was sexiest, horniest, freakiest, most fun girl I've ever been around, with good job, intelligence and good conversation! Fast forward 2 years, after having served time in a 1 1/2 year committed relationship....broken up and not even speaking to each other! Sadly, I can't even pretend that I didn't see it coming. I sort of knew from the beginning that she most likely wasn't the one! The very 'fun' things I liked about her is also precisely what made her a poor girlfriend candidate! Lol.
Learn to be by yourself, learn to enjoy being by yourself, and then choose your girlfriend/wife candidate from a place of sober, objective strength!

Post: #25

(05-23-2011 03:47 PM)babelfish669 Wrote:  Can someone write an article, "5 types of guys who get married before they are 35"

1. The Boring Loser that Snagged an Average Chick
2. The Guy That Has Only Had Sex with One Girl, His Wife
3. The Guy That Does What All His Friends Do And Doesn't Want To Get Left Out
4. The Poor Short Term Decision Maker
5. The Guy Whose Parents Still Tell Him What To Do

This is awesome!! What about "The 5 worst ways guys who got married in their 20's got screwed?"

1) Wife got fat
2) Wife no longer enjoys sex
3) Wife left and now he's paying alimony and child support
4) Married and older 'more mature' woman who is now a hag
5) Has 3 kids he doesnt want after wife told him "i cant get pregnant"