Post: #1

Forgive me if I'm kind of thinking aloud here, but....I'm also out to create a discussion.

Do you think there is room for self-improvement in relationships? Is it damaging to think that there isn't? I've never had one that lasted over 6 months and that places me in the minority out of the people I know. Right now I've got friends who've been coupled up for 2, 3 years and have had ones of 4, 5 years in the past. Maybe its because I never had a successful one that lasted that long, but whenever I look at them I get this feeling that their own lives ground to a halt once they got hooked up. Stating the obvious perhaps? Bear with me.

A lot of these people go from one to the next without spending any significant length of time alone. I don't understand people like this. Its been 2 years since my last relationship, something that by this stage I'm pretty happy with. It seems to me that, when you're constantly getting into a new relationship with some girl, you never have any time to be ALONE, and if course you know I mean "alone" in the good sense. Time to take stock, reflect, focus etc etc. They get all cosy and settled down and (in my eyes) lose something of themselves. Some kind of vitality. Are you feeling this?

Post: #2

" I get this feeling that their own lives ground to a halt once they got hooked up. "

You are correct. I had this sentiment even before I had my first girlfriend; back when when I was still an ugly son of a bitch. But now that I've tried my hand at relationships; I can include that there is no place for self improvement in a relationship; at least not for me. When I was in relationships I found them to be more of a nuisance. Wasting money going to the movies and paying for popcorn that cost 20 fucking bucks. Wasting time just going out. Wasting time hearing her complain about things. It's bad enough I can't talk about all of the things I'd like to talk about (science, robots, architecture) but it's even more annoying hearing gossip or about some stupid tv show. Then there is the whole "meeting a woman's needs" What the fuck does that even mean?

I rather just fuck and toss. That's all I need to do with a woman. When I start a family, there will be no cohabitation. Why do that when I could just opt for joint custody.

I was always into cooking my own food and cleaning up after myself. Why would I want a woman to do this for me? Then there is all the studying and exercising I do. Coupled with my entrepreneur plans why would I get into a relationship? They'd just be a parasite to me like all the other women I dated.

Post: #3

You have to set limits, for sure.

Kick her out, be unavailable, have your own space, tell her your mission comes first. Be unapologetic about it.

Make it clear: she is a welcome part of your life, but you determine how big a part of it she is.

Women will try to gain hegemony over your life to a greater or a lesser degree. There will be some struggle. You have to be firm.

If she doesn't like it, NEXT.

Post: #4

This applies to both genders with people in this day and age. Regardless of age; social acceptance affects the younger masses and the older masses are in need of acceptance as they are seen as 'undesirable' if single.

People's motivation for self-improvement and expanding their comfort zone is predominantly fueled by the need for validation. A lot of said validation is from peers and in essence, relationships, where people become vulnerable.

This vulnerability being rewarded leads to less validation sought thus stagnating any self-progress. Hence girls become fat, guys become boring in relationships.

Of course, this is applicable to many things, such as the masses queuing for iPhone 6's etc.

Being a lone wolf, allows me to evaluate myself on a non-biased platform, with my own standards and ideals, not someone else's.

I have been infinitely happier as women conform to my own norms (MLTRs, fuck buddies, social clingers etc.) and therefore become accepting because it is mine. Just like Sp5 mentioned, sharing his wisdom as usual; he can perhaps spread more light on older people as my experience doesn't apply there.

Post: #5

If you are happy with your situation, don't change it.

You should be 'self-improving' anyway, and it is a quality that will draw women to you.

It is possible to 'self-improve' within a relationship, but I feel that it depends on the people involved, as some people can stifle or stunt others, and some can inspire great change and/or motivation. It is dependent on 'chemistry', something I used to think was bullshit, but I see its existence more and more often.

Post: #6

(09-20-2014 04:28 PM)UroboricForms Wrote:  Forgive me if I'm kind of thinking aloud here, but....I'm also out to create a discussion.

Do you think there is room for self-improvement in relationships? Is it damaging to think that there isn't? I've never had one that lasted over 6 months and that places me in the minority out of the people I know. Right now I've got friends who've been coupled up for 2, 3 years and have had ones of 4, 5 years in the past. Maybe its because I never had a successful one that lasted that long, but whenever I look at them I get this feeling that their own lives ground to a halt once they got hooked up. Stating the obvious perhaps? Bear with me.

A lot of these people go from one to the next without spending any significant length of time alone. I don't understand people like this. Its been 2 years since my last relationship, something that by this stage I'm pretty happy with. It seems to me that, when you're constantly getting into a new relationship with some girl, you never have any time to be ALONE, and if course you know I mean "alone" in the good sense. Time to take stock, reflect, focus etc etc. They get all cosy and settled down and (in my eyes) lose something of themselves. Some kind of vitality. Are you feeling this?

Most become complacent in relationships and stop growing individually. Self-improvement and purpose in life should never take a backseat to a relationship. Paradoxically if it does, the woman will loose respect for you. Women define themselves through their relationships. Men need to have a higher purpose outside their relationship.

Post: #7

Interesting replies so far. With my guy friends that are in this situation, its like you can almost see the defeat in their eyes.

Post: #8

You always lose something of yourself when you fence in your sexuality in relationships ... thats why I dont do it.

Currently have multiple unfenced relationships, some of which I have been in for 10 or 12 years.

Post: #9

Lived this and survived to tell about it

Long before the ink was officially dry on my divorce, I had checked out of the relationship

She had too; but she was too lazy to get herself in shape and get back out on the market. Instead, she pleaded with me to "repair" the relationship to which I declined.

Knowing that we were going through the motions, I asked why she exactly she wanted to continue on with this charade only for her to tell me that she didn't want to have to 'start over'. Even though I knew as much, the admission still made me turn away in disgust.

So instead of her wanting to better herself within the confines of our relationship, and present her 'best self' to me she wanted me to settle for the status quo. Nada

Part of what you are describing is insecurity on behalf of both partners; codependency

Making that other person your "world" is setting yourself up for a helluva letdown

Sorry, I can't settle for mediocre, because I ain't a mediocre dude

Post: #10

Another fucked up thing in the realm of relationships is that the same woman who will get lazy & allow herself go to shambles within a relationship, will then turn around and get in the best shape of her life in order to snag a new unsuspecting guy.

Showing she was ALWAYS capable of improvement but never was properly motivated enough to do so.

Just seen my ex last week (shared custody), and unfortunately for her current bf she is still eating her way into the upper 200's

Post: #11

(09-22-2014 12:42 PM)MY DETROIT PLAYAS Wrote:  Another fucked up thing in the realm of relationships is that the same woman who will get lazy & allow herself go to shambles within a relationship, will then turn around and get in the best shape of her life in order to snag a new unsuspecting guy.

Showing she was ALWAYS capable of improvement but never was properly motivated enough to do so.

that hits a nerve for me. My ex of 7 years slowly put on weight throughout the relationship, never got fat, but defiantly let herself go some. She started working out like crazy while we were still together, got in really good shape and bailed on me right as she was looking her best. Lame. Obviously I had some fault here too, I basically stopped gaming her completely when I bought a house and some property, and likely caused her attraction to fade. Still though, she got hot on my dollar and then bailed on me. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice......well you know the rest.

Don't know if she has a new BF or not, and don't know if she has put any weight back on, but I can totally see that pattern repeating for her.

Post: #12

"It seems to me that, when you're constantly getting into a new relationship with some girl, you never have any time to be ALONE, and if course you know I mean "alone" in the good sense. Time to take stock, reflect, focus etc etc."

This is something that normally comes from the mouths of women. Western women at that.