Post: #26

Quote:Maybe get the girl who told you to show him the texts, if not you risk your own friendship.

The odds of that happening is approximately less than 0%. If AntiTrace as his friend, and on top of that being male, can't find a way to get the news to him, then the chance of the girl stepping up is nonexistent, no?

Post: #27

Don't be the bearer of bad news. If you must, get someone else to tell him.

Post: #28

Tell your friend as soon as possible.

Here is what he should do. Hire a private investigator to gather evidence. Figure out a way to move assets to foreign bank accounts. Also make sure he hides anything that is valuable. He should also try to enlist the support of his family in this.

Does the man she's cheating with know that she's married? He might not. Some guys will break it off immediately if they learn the truth.

Post: #29

Is your friend not dependable enough to keep his source a secret?

Let him know that it could put you in jeopardy if that gets out. And then talk him into gathering more "evidence," as an earlier poster suggested, instead of blowing up and confronting her right away.

The new evidence can then become the means of leaving you out of it.

Of course, this depends on how cool-headed your friend can be when experiencing extreme emotions. It's hard to judge how anyone will react to such a situation.

Beyond All Seas

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe.
To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it, you'll be lonely often, and sometimes
frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." - Kipling

Post: #30

Fuck the dirt the broad has on you. Tell your friend what is going on. If you really were his friend you wouldn't put the whore above him.

I had a similar thing happen to me college. An ex hooked up with my friend, she got pregnant, bitch came to me saying it was mine. Being the hapless fool, i took care of it and re-ignighted our relationship.

Long story short, all of my previous college "friends" are no longer my friends because they all knew and kept their mouths shut. Real friends keep other friends accountable.

Post: #31

(08-16-2014 11:05 PM)AntiTrace Wrote:  

(08-16-2014 10:58 PM)Mac Chicken Wrote:  Sorry for your friend. The situation seems quite hard for him since his career is threatened.

Do you intend to tell him ?

I havent decided.

Unfortunately the guy shes fucking has some real bad dirt on me and would undoubtedly try to bring me down with him.

Right now I just simply can't do it. I need to get myself in a better position to protect myself from the fallout. Yes he is my good friend, but I'm not starting my life over from square one because I feel like telling him is the right thing to do.

Minding your own business typically has a better practical outcome than trying to be a hero.
Don't jump on me, I'm just the messenger for what I've seen in real life.

Plus, why do you believe the gossiping person trying to stir shit up? If the presumption is women are dishonest, why believe her?

If he ASKS you and you are true friends, that's a whole other story.

Post: #32

(08-17-2014 08:15 AM)iknowexactly Wrote:  

(08-16-2014 11:05 PM)AntiTrace Wrote:  

(08-16-2014 10:58 PM)Mac Chicken Wrote:  Sorry for your friend. The situation seems quite hard for him since his career is threatened.

Do you intend to tell him ?

I havent decided.

Unfortunately the guy shes fucking has some real bad dirt on me and would undoubtedly try to bring me down with him.

Right now I just simply can't do it. I need to get myself in a better position to protect myself from the fallout. Yes he is my good friend, but I'm not starting my life over from square one because I feel like telling him is the right thing to do.

Minding your own business typically has a better practical outcome than trying to be a hero.
Don't jump on me, I'm just the messenger for what I've seen in real life.

Plus, why do you believe the gossiping person trying to stir shit up? If the presumption is women are dishonest, why believe her?

If he ASKS you and you are true friends, that's a whole other story.

I have screenshots of their text conversations (between the two girls). While none of them openly say "Hey gurrllll, i totes jumped on this other guys cockkk!", it is very obvious that it did happen.

I'm minding my own business right now. He has some serious career moves going down in the next couple months and he needs to focus on that. Telling him now would put him in a worse position.

Post: #33

(08-17-2014 04:58 AM)CactusCat589 Wrote:  

Quote:Maybe get the girl who told you to show him the texts, if not you risk your own friendship.

The odds of that happening is approximately less than 0%. If AntiTrace as his friend, and on top of that being male, can't find a way to get the news to him, then the chance of the girl stepping up is nonexistent, no?

It can be done easily, I've seen it happen a few times. I've even been duped into telling someone their girl was cheating myself, and I was one of the guys being cheated on with in question... Needless to say that was a bad decision.

If it's a good friend I would definitely make sure he finds out, but I would not tell him myself. That almost always ends badly for the messenger. AntiTrace, wait until the right time then convince the girl who showed you the texts to tell him. If that doesn't work, consider having the screenshots sent to him anonymously.

Post: #34

(08-17-2014 08:15 AM)iknowexactly Wrote:  Minding your own business typically has a better practical outcome than trying to be a hero.
Don't jump on me, I'm just the messenger for what I've seen in real life.

I know what you mean, but there has to be a line somewhere that you mind your own business vs. get involved:

He's about to step in front of a car, of course you pull him back.

He stuffs his face constantly and is getting obese, you mind your own business and he'll figure it out eventually (or not).

His wife cheats and will likely take 50%+ of his money, ruin his career and life? I guess we each have to decide what we'd do and what we'd want our friends to do for us. I'm pretty fucking sure what I would do and what I'd expect a true friend to do for me.

My bud saw my chick in a bar once macking on some guy, and waited 3 days to tell me, first told her she had to tell me or he would, of course she went turtle mode. I dumped her immediately after confronting and getting evasive answers, but thought my "friend" was a bit shady for not telling me asap. What the fuck, avoid the drama and share the intel. What happened to bros before hoes? He's a good friend and all, but now my trust in him regarding important matters has evaporated.

Post: #35

Why does it seem like you guys are afraid of your friends or the truth?

I would just tell him straight up without batting an eye. Dude you better check your ho I saw some texts on the other skanks phone that don't look like she's being honest with you.

Post: #36

(08-17-2014 09:07 AM)Engineer Wrote:  

(08-17-2014 08:15 AM)iknowexactly Wrote:  Minding your own business typically has a better practical outcome than trying to be a hero.
Don't jump on me, I'm just the messenger for what I've seen in real life.

I know what you mean, but there has to be a line somewhere that you mind your own business vs. get involved:

He's about to step in front of a car, of course you pull him back.

He stuffs his face constantly and is getting obese, you mind your own business and he'll figure it out eventually (or not).

His wife cheats and will likely take 50%+ of his money, ruin his career and life? I guess we each have to decide what we'd do and what we'd want our friends to do for us. I'm pretty fucking sure what I would do and what I'd expect a true friend to do for me.

My bud saw my chick in a bar once macking on some guy, and waited 3 days to tell me, first told her she had to tell me or he would, of course she went turtle mode. I dumped her immediately after confronting and getting evasive answers, but thought my "friend" was a bit shady for not telling me asap. What the fuck, avoid the drama and share the intel. What happened to bros before hoes? He's a good friend and all, but now my trust in him regarding important matters has evaporated.

I think you should go easy on your friend. 3 days is not long, and he did tell you, after all.

He was looking out for your best interest, while still trying to stay out of it as much as possible, every step of the way. Many "bros" would not do the same.

Sure, he probably could have and should have acted sooner, but as you can see by this thread, everyone has their own ideas about how to proceed with this type of situation.

Personally, if a friend failed to tell me completely, I would probably scratch that friend (note to OP).

But if he waited a few days, trying to get her to fess up, or did get her to fess up, I wouldn't hold it against him. Outcome is the same either way. Unless he was proposing a toast at your fucking wedding or telling you what a great couple you were while all this behind the scenes drama was going on, of course. haha

Beyond All Seas

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe.
To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it, you'll be lonely often, and sometimes
frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." - Kipling

Post: #37

(08-17-2014 09:09 AM)el mechanico Wrote:  Why does it seem like you guys are afraid of your friends or the truth?

I would just tell him straight up without batting an eye. Dude you better check your ho I saw some texts on the other skanks phone that don't look like she's being honest with you.

Once again El Mech spits the wisdom of the trailer park.

Beyond All Seas

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe.
To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it, you'll be lonely often, and sometimes
frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." - Kipling

Post: #38

If you consider him a brother then you 100% must tell him, or you are no true brother at all.

Post: #39

^^ Right on. Think about how you would feel in the same situation.
If I would find out that a good friend of mine had withheld such information from me,even for a few days I would get pissed off. It's betrayal for not letting me know and he would no longer be my friend.

Post: #40

(08-17-2014 09:36 AM)RioNomad Wrote:  If you consider him a brother then you 100% must tell him, or you are no true brother at all.

One again Rio brings real-world reason to the forum.

Beyond All Seas

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe.
To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it, you'll be lonely often, and sometimes
frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." - Kipling

Post: #41

The question you have to ask yourself is what's more important: your friend or your friendship?

If you value the person over the relationship then tell him - he probably would want to know if he doesn't on some level already but you'll likely lose the friendship.

If you value the relationship over the person (and there are times when this is ok) then stay out of it.

Post: #42

I wanted to elaborate on my previous post in this thread. I had advised the OP to do nothing. This is my reason.

Couples have their own dynamic. They don't behave rationally. They have a great deal of emotional investment in their relationship, even if it's going south.

When faced with a problem, many of them follow their first instinct, which is to band together and join ranks. And blame the outsider: which will be you.

Try to get in the middle of some domestic squabble like this, and you will get burned. Guaranteed. You will lose your friendship with this guy.

A man can forgive anything except a surplus of honesty.

No, your buddy most likely won't appreciate your "honesty" or candor. He's going to feel humiliated, and his pride will be seriously wounded. Deep down, he will resent your having seen him so vulnerable and humiliated. And it goes without saying that when the woman finds out, she will unleash bloody hell on you.

No good deed in this area will go unpunished.

There may be exceptions to this rule for situations where someone may be walking into imminent and obvious harm. But those exceptions are few and far between.

Those of us who have had to deal with couples facing crises know what we are talking about. They're going to band together and blame the world. Eventually, the relationship will dissolve.

But you need to let that happen in its own time.

Leave it alone.

Some other posters in this thread have given different opinions. It goes without saying that I strongly disagree with them, and my comment is based on personal experience.

Post: #43

tell him. If you don't want to be the messenger drop $250 on a private detective as a initial gift of a retainer and get the PD to give your buddy the information and to say he was hired by a concerned friend and offer his services to collect more evidence if the guy doesn't believe it.

You can then choose to reveal that you hired the PD or not, but the husband now has the information from a credible source and a way to follow up if he needs to investigate more.

Alternatively, drop some money on a family lawyer to deliver the information instead of the PD.

Either way, the messenger becomes a credible source vs. some random person

As to QC above^ my opinion is also based on personal experience that I ended up, in the long term, resenting those 'friends' that knew and said nothing more than the slut herself.

Post: #44

My two cents:

I think he's likely to find out at some point, whether it be soon or far into the future

When that happens do you really want that horrible feeling of knowing you could have let him know sooner?

Would you then want to deliberate between telling him you knew all along vs. denying all knowledge of it

I personally would approach him calmly "Hey man, can I talk to you for a second?"

Then take him into a different room NLP-style. "Look. as a friend I really have to tell you something, it's up to you what you do about it, but I got sent the following messages...."

Post: #45

(08-17-2014 10:41 AM)Quintus Curtius Wrote:  When faced with a problem, many of them follow their first instinct, which is to band together and join ranks. And blame the outsider: which will be you.

Try to get in the middle of some domestic squabble like this, and you will get burned. Guaranteed. You will lose your friendship with this guy.


No, your buddy most likely won't appreciate your "honesty" or candor. He's going to feel humiliated, and his pride will be seriously wounded. Deep down, he will resent your having seen him so vulnerable and humiliated. And it goes without saying that when the woman finds out, she will unleash bloody hell on you.

If it's clear that my friend's wife has been cheating on him and I would let my friend know. Why in the world would he team up with his wife against me, or even blame me? I can't see this happening. Remember it's his wife who's done the damage, not me.And if it still would happen, this friend has truely showed his colours for what he is and that is not a real friend in my book.

If I would "get burned" for being the provider of the ugly truth for my friend?
Come on. If you can't show that you feel humiliated or wounded to a brother then he's not a real brother.

"Unleash bloody hell on you"
I assume that has something to do with divorce and going to court in America.

Post: #46

(08-17-2014 11:12 AM)LeightonBlackstock Wrote:  I personally would approach him calmly "Hey man, can I talk to you for a second?"

Then take him into a different room NLP-style. "Look. as a friend I really have to tell you something, it's up to you what you do about it, but I got sent the following messages...."

(08-17-2014 11:20 AM)Chaos Wrote:  If it's clear that my friend's wife has been cheating on him and I would let my friend know. Why in the world would he team up with his wife against me, or even blame me? I can't see this happening. Remember it's his wife who's done the damage, not me.And if it still would happen, this friend has truely showed his colours for what he is and that is not a real friend in my book.

If I would "get burned" for being the provider of the ugly truth for my friend?
Come on. If you can't show that you feel humiliated or wounded to a brother then he's not a real brother.

Sounds good in theory, but in reality he's still guaranteed to hate you for telling him. @Chaos, you're making the fatal mistake of assuming a guy will act logically in this situation. Unfortunately, they never do.

@AntiTrace If you tell your friend he's been cheated on, you're fucked. If your friend finds out you knew about it and kept it under wraps, you're fucked, even if you told him later on. Your only decent option here is to play dumb and have someone else deliver the news. That way you not only preserve your friendship at a time when he will most need it, but you also protect yourself in case he decides to stay with her, which is more likely in this situation then you might think.

Post: #47

Edit to think more

Post: #48

Quote: Sarah Robertson: We were wrong.

Jared Cohen: You mean *you* were wrong.

Sam Rogers: I'm heading for the conference room.

Jared Cohen: I want you to hear this.

Sam Rogers: I don't want to hear this. How do you think I've stuck around this place so long?

The above exchange is from the movie Margin Call, but it applies here too. There are some things you just don't want to know. The fact that your friend's wife is cheating on him is high up on that list.

Of course, you can't un-know what you know. More importantly, at least one person knows that you know. Best play is along the lines of QC, Deluge, and co. Get someone else to deliver the news and keep your own hands clean of what is guaranteed to be a shitshow. And do it fast, since there's no way this one is staying under the rug, considering how many people already know. Best to not have him find out about the original news and the fact that you knew, but didn't tell him.

The only time I'd deliver the news personally is if it's actual family by blood.

Post: #49

(08-17-2014 11:20 AM)Chaos Wrote:  

(08-17-2014 10:41 AM)Quintus Curtius Wrote:  When faced with a problem, many of them follow their first instinct, which is to band together and join ranks. And blame the outsider: which will be you.

Try to get in the middle of some domestic squabble like this, and you will get burned. Guaranteed. You will lose your friendship with this guy.


No, your buddy most likely won't appreciate your "honesty" or candor. He's going to feel humiliated, and his pride will be seriously wounded. Deep down, he will resent your having seen him so vulnerable and humiliated. And it goes without saying that when the woman finds out, she will unleash bloody hell on you.

If it's clear that my friend's wife has been cheating on him and I would let my friend know. Why in the world would he team up with his wife against me, or even blame me? I can't see this happening. Remember it's his wife who's done the damage, not me.And if it still would happen, this friend has truely showed his colours for what he is and that is not a real friend in my book.

If I would "get burned" for being the provider of the ugly truth for my friend?
Come on. If you can't show that you feel humiliated or wounded to a brother then he's not a real brother.

"Unleash bloody hell on you"
I assume that has something to do with divorce and going to court in America.

The problem here is that you're not taking human emotions into consideration.

When you tell a man that his woman has sold him out, you're not allowing him to save face. You are exposing his vulnerabilities, his weakness, his shame. His undying shame. He won't forgive or forget that.

When it comes to husband-wife relationships, neither men nor women behave rationally until the very end, after they know that things are irretrievably broken. And even then, I'm not so sure.

If your friend loves his wife or has any feelings for her, he is going to feel betrayed, humiliated, and angry. He will likely want to do anything he can to save his marriage.

What he won't do (not in America, anyway) is immediately fire her ass, shake your hand, and pin a medal on your chest for honesty. The world doesn't work like that. We live in the real world. Guys don't adhere to the "bro code" anymore. What he'll do is run back to her, whining, and confront her about her infidelity. We live in a society populated by manginas, simps, and pussies. Expect him to behave accordingly. You will lose him as a friend if you tell him.

And then the first thing she will do is try to find out how he discovered it. Which means you will be targeted by her gang of shithead friends for abuse and slander.

And your precious "friend" you tried to save? He'll accept any excuse that his cheating wife gives him. Why? Because he needs to. Because he needs to save face. That will trigger a psychological need for him to blame the messenger, which is you.

I've been down this road before, so believe me when I say it. There may be a clever middle ground you can run here, but it is unlikely. I wouldn't behave this way, but I know that I'm different from the majority of guys in the US.

Do what you will. I've said what I can.


Q

Post: #50

If you are a real friend you should tell him, I wouldn't care about the outcome. I certainly wouldn't be friends with someone who would hide something like that from me.