Post: #26

(05-19-2014 11:43 AM)Dusty Wrote:  I started reading a book that combines cognitive behavioral therapy with mindfulness. I haven't gotten very far in the book, but what I read is very intriguing.

Sounds interesting. Care to share the title?

Post: #27

It's called :Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World
by Mark Williams, Danny Penman for Rodale Press, Inc.

Quote:Life can be relentless, frantic and exhausting – but it doesn’t have to be this way…

MINDFULNESS reveals a set of simple yet powerful practices that you can incorporate into daily life to help you break the cycle of anxiety, stress, unhappiness and exhaustion. It promotes genuine joie de vivre; the kind of happiness that gets into your bones and seeps into everything you do. The book is based on Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT). MBCT revolves around a straightforward form of mindfulness meditation which takes just a few minutes a day for the full benefits to be revealed. MBCT has been clinically proven to be at least as effective as drugs for depression and it is recommended by the UK’s National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence – in other words, it works. But more importantly, it also works for the rest of us who aren’t depressed but who are struggling to keep up with the relentless demands of the modern world. In short, Mindfulness helps you meet the worst that life throws at you with renewed courage.

Mindfulness is co-authored by Professor Mark Williams of Oxford University, co-developer of MBCT and inspiring meditation teacher.

Post: #28

Yeah - I shouldn't be affected by negative people. It is just that people in the UK are too polite to come straight out and tell somebody they have a shitty attitude on life. SO sometimes you are wondering if the problem is you and not them - since nobody else calls them out for their bullshit.

She is a grade higher than me at work - so I have to tread carefully. If she was my grade - I would have broken her down by now.

But because she is a grade higher - as soon as I try and get into psychological warfare with her, she would pull the management card and try make my life a misery.

So - it is easier just to wait her out. Only one more week to go!

In future - I need to shut myself off from people. The problem is we are a small office where people shoot the shit all day. It is not an environment where I can keep quiet for 8 hours a day. I can do it for a couple of hours. But after that I feel like I have to start entertaining people with my contrarian rants.

A bad habit all round. I just don't like being surrounded by dumb people and am always trying to raise the intellectual temperature in the room.

The problem is mostly with me. And as soon as you start engaging with people - their outlook on life starts infecting yours like a virus.

Post: #29

To add to an earlier discussion...

This is the best TED talk I have seen. The speaker is amazing, and he explains some fascinating and surprising secrets to being happy.





There is literally no reason to be unhappy ever again.

Post: #30

The best is to stay as far away from those kind of people as you can, they wll only drag you down.
I knew a guy like that once, a miserable ginger cunt and one of the most negative people Ive ever met. He used to be a decent guy then got fucked over by some sl00t and never got over it. All he did was suck the life out of people around him and wallow in his misery it was disgusting. You cold literally feel the vibe shift in a room once he entered. I have no tolerance for people like that and stay away as far as I can.

Post: #31

Man - that is so true.

I totally forgot to mention that.

The worth of a person can be summed by a simple observation.

Does the energy in the room increase when they enter.

Or does it drop?

It is like there is a vacuum from the fourth dimension sucking the fun out of a room when certain people show up. You can even feel it with your eyes closed.

Post: #32

It is very easy to be unhappy.

One principle of buddhism is that unhappiness is caused by comparing yourself to others. The more you think about this the more you see that it is indeed THIS that makes you unhappy.

"Oh that dude is fucking a hotter chick than I am" - you get mad, jealous, & unhappy.
"That dude's fucking 3 hot chicks and I can't even get a date" - you get mad, jealous, & unhappy.
"that dude's making $1million a year, he's a dumbass and he only works a 20 hr week." - you get mad, jealous, & unhappy.
"I'm at the gym working my balls off 1.5hrs/day 5x/wk for 5 yrs, and that dude just cause his genetics looks twice as good as me and barely goes to the gym." - you get mad, jealous, & unhappy.
"That chick gets out of speeding tickets just cause she's a cute girl." - you get mad, jealous, & unhappy.
"I live a healthy life eating healthy, going to the gym, getting sufficent rest and not partying and here I am with cancer will everyone else is drinking every day and healthy and happy." - you get mad, jealous & unhappy.


It is true that you can look at these as MOTIVATIONAL - strive to get what you don't have - but there almost always is that concurrent undertone of still comparing yourself to others and not being happy with what you got as you are.

This should not be an excuse to not strive to better yourself, but it's a fine line between self-improvement for the sake of self-improvement vs for the sake of trying to be like someone else.

Post: #33

I don't compare myself to others.

And it is dead easy doing this.

Cos' we will all be dead soon. It is amazing how short life is.

We are all in a speeding car heading to the edge of a cliff. And soon we will all go over that edge and die.

Worrying about who has cooler clothes than you or a better life as you speed at 100mph to the edge of that cliff just seems silly.

Fuck the red pill. Take the 'Soon - you too will be dead' pill!

Post: #34

Hmmm, Good question. I'm working out of a negative self-view currently.

1. I used to think I was the scum of the earth and that my life was done for before it ever began. A shitty mindset will always bring you down. I never realised how negative I was, but I'm nowhere near as negative as I used to be.

2. Drinking seems to make me lapse into old patterns of doubt and mistrust. I avoid drinking to the point of inebriation.

3. I used to hang out with really negative people and that set me back quite a bit. I don't really blame them though: I chose to stick around out of a misplaced sense of obligation. Facebook was a major contributor to this too. I was always trolling people to get my kicks because I couldn't seem to find pleasure in relating to others over anything positive. Facebook's role in negativity cannot be underplayed. I don't think everyone should delete their Facebook, but I definitely feel way less negative without Facebook.

4. I never got laid. In fact, I was so negative that I would often pass up opportunities to get laid because I would be really fucking rude to women without a goal in mind. I'm not saying you should be a doormat, but if you're always an asshole without ever letting them feel like they can get to know you, then you'll be sexless. Trust me on that one.

I think a part of the reason I was so hateful was due to depression (I had dysthymia). The depression probably was partially inherited and partially dietary. I swear I would put down 1k-1.5k calories a day for many years. It's hard to be chipper and energetic when you're always underfed and used to being underfed. Luckily, I got into lifting and managed to flood my body with nutrients and endorphins on a daily basis. I find myself feeling more positive as a result. Also, it's hard to feel bad when you look at your body in the mirror and you feel a sense of pride and accomplishment. I think having something to work towards is a key component of happiness in life. No one told me this when I was younger and I suffered as a result. However, I'm glad I had to learn that the hard way. Now I know that I should always have a goal and a mission.

5. I recently found out that I have low testosterone levels and may have hypothyroid disorder as well. This explains a lot to me, but I'm going to get retested before I begin getting treatment for both issues. These two things may be HUGE contributors to my other problems if I have low test. and Hypothyroid disorder.

Overall, I would say that a lot of negativity is rooted in the diet. Most people eat shitty food and don't exercise. If you think You can have an awesome life with a bad body and bad diet, then you're mistaken. Take care of the ground work (food, diet and exercise) and you'll be less miserable in the long run.

Post: #35

You gotta' have a goal.

To an outsider it looks likes I am aimless and not doing anything.

But every second of every day I am constantly working on stuff and chipping away at things.

As the actor, Matt LeBlanc said recently:

"I love to do nothing. But it's a very busy nothing."

Post: #36

Cause ain't nobody getting no poosy

Post: #37

Well from CBT terms, she is magnifying the negative in her life, and minimizing the positive so it has no effect. In a way a mental negative filter which turns everything she experience into a something negative. There are a host of other distortions as well, but those two stood out the most to me. She is an older woman and probably stubborn, so there is almost zero chance she would self reflect and be honest enough about her self to fix these mental distortions.

Post: #38

(05-19-2014 09:11 PM)kbell Wrote:  Well from CBT terms, she is magnifying the negative in her life, and minimizing the positive so it has no effect. In a way a mental negative filter which turns everything she experience into a something negative. There are a host of other distortions as well, but those two stood out the most to me. She is an older woman and probably stubborn, so there is almost zero chance she would self reflect and be honest enough about her self to fix these mental distortions.

Great post, kbell.

I can tell that your understanding of these CBT ideas is starting to deepen in a serious way. It's when you can apply them confidently in this way that you know you're getting somewhere -- keep it going!

Post: #39

She probably puts then down in order to make her feel like she's on more of a pedestal.

It's a lack of confidence in herself if she has to do that.

Post: #40

The older you get, the less tolerance you have for people who have to air their misery publicly.
You can't help people who don't want help. I learned this early on.

I tell guys you have to consciously divorce yourselves from all toxic personalities by the time you hit 30.

If this is just a co-worker issue, it boils down to this: Is the co-worker helping you get your job done, or hindering? This is a bottom line any good manager would be considering.

Stay aloof and watch your back.

Post: #41

In the UK - the person who has worked the longest in an office tends to really run things.

Even if they are at a lower grade.

Managers want try to keep the loyalty of the staff - by keeping the most senior member of staff on side.

Post: #42

(05-19-2014 05:13 PM)cardguy Wrote:  I don't compare myself to others.

And it is dead easy doing this.

Cos' we will all be dead soon. It is amazing how short life is.

We are all in a speeding car heading to the edge of a cliff. And soon we will all go over that edge and die.

Worrying about who has cooler clothes than you or a better life as you speed at 100mph to the edge of that cliff just seems silly.

Fuck the red pill. Take the 'Soon - you too will be dead' pill!

To respond to myself for a second. I am very passionate about this mindset.

I walk past a graveyard everyday on the way to work. And I feel a lovely sense of contentment that in about 30 years time I will be joining all those people in there.

Every one of those broken old slabs of marble represents a real person who used to have the same hopes, ambitions, sexual fetishes and dreams as the rest of us. And now they lie forgotten in the middle of nowhere - as the birds shit all over their headstones.

THIS IS THE ONLY TRUTH. THERE IS NO GOD.

Post: #43

(05-19-2014 01:20 PM)Jackreacher Wrote:  My life is so simple, my home is a place of peace, so much so that the ones that do get a look in are usually drawn to come back.

Girls come to my home, sometimes with food, sometimes to cook, maybe clean(I was a bit surprised by this as I am in the states), whatever it is I make the decision ultimately and it's good times. They're not here everyday I get time to refresh and relax on my own.

We've had some threads on here about how to set up a good bachelor pad.

However I can't remember stuff for apartment features or home design to help establish a calm, peaceful environment.

Any knowledge you have on that topic would be appreciated.

Post: #44

This is a subject that is near and dear to my heart because it's a tiger I have been riding for the past few years and I think I am only just really starting to get out of it.

There is definitely a vicious cycle of stress that leads to bad eating, poor sleep, getting run down and not exercising, which also inhibits the ability to alleviate stress. For me, the source of a lot of this was colleagues who are lazy, incompetent or stupid, but then I do work in the public sector, so those things are taken as given to a certain extent because of a lack of accountability. Certainly on a weekly basis, all sorts of stupid things would/do happen, and they really fuck with me. Should they not fuck with me? Should I not care? Call me stupid, or call it a protestant work ethic, but I do think there are certain professions (teaching being one of them) where people shouldn't just be phoning it in.

Anyway, as an example, last year, there was a period of time where kids from another class would appear in my room about five minutes into the lesson, make a whole lot of noise, and then run off. It was obviously ridiculous. The first time it happened, I got busy with something after class and forgot to deal with it. The second time, however, I left my own class as soon as it happened (those kids were responsible enough to be left alone) and went to the other classroom, grabbing another adult (English speaking military service school helper) along the way. A minute after we arrived at the other classroom (now ten minutes into the lesson), the teacher arrived. She was sort of like, "What's the problem?" in a very dismissive way. The problem was that if that silly bitch had been in her classroom on time, then her students wouldn't have been off on an adventure disrupting my class. That kind of thing has happened multiple times with that teacher alone, and when I have gone to superiors, they've shrugged their shoulders or thrown their hands in the air. Fast forward to this year, and this clown is one of my co-teachers. A month ago, she openly cockblocked me to kids who had been screwing around in class. I went to a superior about that and he did nothing. A couple of weeks later, I heard (from the other side of the room) my co-teacher saying to a new military service guy that I'm always angry in her classes (she didn't think I could understand what she was saying, and so was openly discussing this in class around the students).

These situations are a major mindfuck because they're so Kafka-esque. You're meant to go along to get along, even if the other person is being an unprofessional dickhead and affecting your ability to do your own job. Yet the moment you call them out on that, everyone acts like you're the person behaving inappropriately and being unreasonable. I don't know, is it so unreasonable to be angry when someone openly fucks with you? Is anger an illegitimate response after you've asked nicely a dozen times?

Eventually though, I realised that the deeper issue is just that when you interact with idiots, there is no winning solution other than not interacting with idiots. If you give up or lower your standards, you become just like them. If you react against them, they play "gotcha" with you, whether that was their intention all along or not (and that question -- are they intentionally fucking with me or just that idiotic that they really don't see what's going on here? -- is a secondary mindfuck).

My solution in digging myself out of this mess and the collateral damage it has inflicted in other areas of my life has been threefold. Firstly, knowing that I am going to leave, I have stopped giving as much of a shit, or have engaged in petty politicking whereby I try to employ passive-aggressive modes of pinning something on someone else. Those are really bad both in terms of my responsibilities as a teacher and upon myself, and I could see how long term, they would be devastating, even if adaptive in a sense. That's no way to live life.

Secondly, I have focused on other projects out of work (or used work time to work on such things). Last year, for instance, I wrote a 500,000 word novel in about 4.5 months, then spent another 6 weeks working on a second draft. This year, I wrote the first draft of a sequel, which turned out to be 400,000 words in under two months (it was pretty manic, and I averaged about 6,800 words a day, with my biggest day being almost 12,000 words in one sitting).

Thirdly, I've built up enough capital and passive income to where I am satisfied/confident that I can just walk away (45 days to go!!!) and focus on other things (in this case, starting a business soon, amongst other things, e.g. writing). Ultimately, the only way up is out. Unless you're a Gandhi-like figure, you're not going to reform a system from within.

Furthermore, there are lots of other people I'm just cutting out of my life. You are the average of your five closest friends, the saying goes. I'd also add that you are the average of your five closest working relationships if you're not very careful. People get the governments (or cultures) they deserve. It's all of that stuff. It's part of a broader theme I am trying to implement where if a situation is shitty, I move on to a place where it's not shitty, or better yet, I create my own situation where I have control. I think having a sense of control, a sense of being able to positively effect change, is really important.

Yet it's a wild ride, and I know that I'm nowhere near out of the hole yet. I expect there's going to be a decompressing period after I leave here. Incidentally, I'm thinking of writing a book after I leave, a kind of Catch-22 of the education system. Some of the conversations I have had with colleagues could have been lifted right out of that book.

Post: #45

Because to live is to suffer!

Post: #46

The more well paid the job is, the less misery person is likely to show certainly in a work context.

Post: #47

Their misery come from their innate selfishness. It's been proven from time immemorial that helping others not only help them but yourself. A miserable cunt is a selfish cunt.

Post: #48

Misery loves company. I honestly often think a lot of what is posted in this section is too bitter, cynical and angry about women. It's even worse on blogs. It's the same with racism, anti-islam and the like. While there can be a lot of truth in what these people write, the bitterness and loser attitude will infect your brain like a virus if you hear it often enough.

In my experience, perpetual bitterness comes from loneliness and a lifetime of having shit shoveled in your face. That and thinking that any good will come from comparing and measuring your life against others.

I have an unfortunate inclination towards anger and bitterness, precisely because some people do have had to struggle more in life than others and it can make you very angry to see others who have had everything given to them on a silver platter try to proclaim that you should thankful for this and that, feminists and socialists come to mind.

The difference is that I am fully aware of this dark side and I do my best not to pass it along onto the rest of the world and not indulge that kind of angry thinking. It's often something you get from your parents, a dark and pessimistic way of looking at the world. A lot of people have very low self awareness though.

Post: #49

(05-20-2014 12:56 AM)LeBeau Wrote:  

(05-19-2014 01:20 PM)Jackreacher Wrote:  My life is so simple, my home is a place of peace, so much so that the ones that do get a look in are usually drawn to come back.

Girls come to my home, sometimes with food, sometimes to cook, maybe clean(I was a bit surprised by this as I am in the states), whatever it is I make the decision ultimately and it's good times. They're not here everyday I get time to refresh and relax on my own.

We've had some threads on here about how to set up a good bachelor pad.

However I can't remember stuff for apartment features or home design to help establish a calm, peaceful environment.

Any knowledge you have on that topic would be appreciated.

I can't give much advice on home design but I can say I enjoy simplicity and I find that this simplicity has been conducive in fostering the kind of atmosphere I personally like. It also helps to be at peace with yourself, that sets other people at ease when they come to visit. Also I move often, I won't be getting the chance to decorate my apartment with things aside from what's already here. I don't even have a TV in the living room which is fine with me.

If I can give some minor advice I'd say you might that find warm colors and dim lighting be very soothing, also a comfortable couch that two people can lay in is almost essential for me. Can't think of anything else at the moment.

Post: #50

A general disconnect from nature seems to be the main factor. People live unnatural lives with false expectations. They don't know what they want or what will give their lives meaning, so they fill the void with material things, be it food, drugs, alcohol, or video games. Likewise, their morals are confused. Higher ideals such as courage, bravery, and group loyalty, and practices such as honoring one's ancestors and rising in the face of adversity are scoffed at and belittled. Men aren't allowed to be men and women are encouraged to act as masculine as possible, this causes a form of subconscious schizophrenia and prevents the living of a balanced life.