Post: #26

I hated him because he did not bother to teach me right from wrong and I had to learn the hard way about it by experiencing every wrong turn and breakdown possible. I learned all I know from personal experience and trials; things my own father could have taught me. I didn't hate him for putting food on the table because that is why I loved him dearly when I was suffering. What bothered me was that he didn't bother to get to know me period. He suddenly popped into my life from nowhere expecting to make a difference, but he could not even identify anything about me. He couldn't even remember my birthday or even what grade I was in at the time. The fact that a son grows up with a father ignorant of him is beyond pathetic and in no way justifiable.

Post: #27

I'm sorry to hear that. I agree that having a good Father in a child's life is very important and children do benefit greatly from it. No question about it.

You mentioned that as a child you would have a fantasy about your Father being all these great things. I want you to know that every child does that, even when their Father is around. Children look at Mothers and Fathers as Demi-Gods and expect them to be as such. It's what Jung described as the Mother/Father Archtype.

Only later in life as we get old, do we have the opportunity to see that our parents feet really are made of clay. Just as the neighbors, or the store clerk, or that friend of yours that sometimes makes bad decisions. We see them as ordinary people. When this happens it can be very unsettling, but it can also be a relief because it helps us let go of all the anger we carried with us so long for them not living up to the expectations that only Gods could fulfill.

Post: #28

(02-25-2014 08:07 PM)Onto Wrote:  Men don't have sex with women to feel validated. They have sex with women because they want to possess them. To possess the feminine, to bring its wildness, fullness under our control and domain. Ever see those lions having sex? Do you think the male is concerned with feeling validated?

There are various reasons for wanting to have sex, many of which do not involve validation.

And I agree with you completely in the sense that a man who has passed through the purple cloud and is living from the masculine center is not interested in seeking validation in sex.

But there are men who do seek this because they aren't fully centered yet, and it leads to many problems in their relationships.

Post: #29

(02-25-2014 01:29 PM)runninutebball Wrote:  There is a lot of good perspectives on here. I really appreciate the advice and thoughts. Even the weird purple cloud thought experiment

I'm not sure this is salvageable. I just wish it was. We did a six month trial before I left on my most recent assignment. It started well and ended badly. We're not really talking or sharing like a couple anymoe but communication about my son is good. I think if it wasn't for him we both would have bailed by now. I mentally checked out last year and I can't seem to check back in.

Regarding divorce, I'd have to file in the US. Divorce is not legal in the Philippines. The only way local authorities will recognize a Filipina divorce is if the foreigner is the plaintiff and it's done outside the Philippines.

For those preaching the sublime joys of the foreign woman, there are benefits but there are also drawbacks. Big ones. My wife shuts down when she gets offended or hurt. She will ignore me for hours. This is called tampo and it's normal for a Filipina. So anyone thinking filipinas are magic should cine back to reality. Also, they don't love being with older men and the idea that there isn't an age stigma in the PI is false. Amongst themselves it is rare to see large age gaps. They tolerate the age gaps for money and passports. The party stops real quick once they realize you won't be providing one or the other. I saw this over and over with Americans there. I thought I was smarter because I married a woman my own age.

Anyway, thanks for all the responses. I will be seeking some counseling before final decisions are made.

For the record, you seem to be operating logically and mostly above board with this whole ordeal. Counseling is obviously your next step, at that point she will either a) Realize that you mean business, and the fact that you have sought an outside opinion means that this issue could not be resolved within the confines of your marriage. Sometimes this causes sober thinking on the part of BOTH parties or b) Use it as an opportunity to drive a further wedge/air our your dirty laundry to "someone who will listen" to her. Use the therapist as a confidant, ally.

Be sure NOT to fall into a 'War of the Roses' frame. Remember when /if it becomes unsalvagable, you ONLY concern is your son not to get into a mud slinging contest.

Best Wishes!

Post: #30

You're in a tough spot bud but so is she. It sounds like until recently they have moved around with you but things outside of your control are keeping them from moving to you? If so then there's not much you can do on that front. Sure you could take a job back in the U.S. but she married you knowing you worked abroad right?
My opinion is she's screwing around. Women are sexual creatures. If you she's not having sex with you she is with someone else. I have seen many Filipinas cheat here in the states and I would say the rate they do is greater than American women.
I have a young child also and I won't work out of town for that reason. It has been awesome to see her grow on a day to day basis. With that being said if you choose to divorce her and working abroad the judge may screw you more than usual. Before you tell her anything contact a lawyer to see about your options and if a judge could let her take the kid back to PI if you divorce her.

In the end only you can decide when you know it's over and there is no coming back. I can tell you excatly when I knew my first marriage was over.

Post: #31

(02-26-2014 12:34 PM)JayTx Wrote:  My opinion is she's screwing around. Women are sexual creatures. If you she's not having sex with you she is with someone else. I have seen many Filipinas cheat here in the states and I would say the rate they do is greater than American women.

It's entirely possible she is creeping on the side too - and that may well be the reason why so far she hasn't brought up her husband's affairs.

Post: #32

You're in a tough spot bud but so is she. It sounds like until recently they have moved around with you but things outside of your control are keeping them from moving to you? If so then there's not much you can do on that front. Sure you could take a job back in the U.S. but she married you knowing you worked abroad right?
My opinion is she's screwing around. Women are sexual creatures. If you she's not having sex with you she is with someone else. I have seen many Filipinas cheat here in the states and I would say the rate they do is greater than American women.
I have a young child also and I won't work out of town for that reason. It has been awesome to see her grow on a day to day basis. With that being said if you choose to divorce her and working abroad the judge may screw you more than usual. Before you tell her anything contact a lawyer to see about your options and if a judge could let her take the kid back to PI if you divorce her.

In the end only you can decide when you know it's over and there is no coming back. I can tell you excatly when I knew my first marriage was over.

Post: #33

(02-24-2014 09:10 AM)runninutebball Wrote:  I searched for a similar thread but didn't find one, also not sure if this is the correct category but here goes. I married a Filipina a few years ago and we had a baby soon after. During the pregnancy sex became rare. After birth we didn't have sex for almost one year and it has been rare since. I work as an expat overseas. Family couldn't join last contract and has been delayed by visa issues this contract. My wife has threatened to leave at least five times in the last six months (and multiple times before that). I'm at the point where I don't care what she does if it weren't for our son.

My son is a great kid, friendly, smart. Looks a lot likeme and we've bbonded. I know he has missed me while I've been gone. My wife is a good homemaker and a great, slightly smothering, mother. Given my job which I don't want to give up, if I pull the trigger on separation I will see my son once a year for the next Couple of years and maybe summers after that. I've also cheated twice in the past year and I think my wife knows about one of them because she may have been looking into my email. She hasn't confronted me about it and if she did I'd pull the trigger on the separation because I'm tired of the drama.

So, married/divorced guys of the forum with kids, what would you do in this situation or what did you do in your situation? I know it seems "beta" to seek perspective on something so serious from this forum but I need a different look. My father, brothers and friends are all Mormon ( I was too until recently) and I have already heard the party line from them. I found this forum during my last overseas tour and it's helped me out a lot so I would like to hear a male, perspective outside of my religious upbringing.

Hit me with your best shot!

I'll add my perspective since I can relate. I'm married (7 years) with 2 kids, 3rd on the way. My marriage has been on and off the rocks many times over those years. Before the kids, I was really beta and wanted to please her so I went along with her shit. After the kids, it became harder because I didn't want to lose them. One fine day, a few years ago, I found the forum and started reading. I opened up more and started challenging my views. In the first part of this process, I was likely a complete asshole. Went away for work and took a side trip to Thailand, Sweden etc. Came back and became an even bigger asshole. During these "asshole" phases I truly found out something special to me - "what do I want?" Shit, I can tell you I haven't figured that out a 100% yet, but I'm at a much better spot than before, thanks to actually implementing the stuff I learned here. In doing that I eventually started talking to her more but remaining firm in what I want. Listen, I'm not saying cheating was right; but, you're a guy. You did it because there was something missing from her that you sought outside. You need to make it absolutely clear to her what that was or is.

You seem worried about keeping the kids and pleasing her. Remember that you can please her but eventually your frame will break and she'll have control over you emotionally even if she does leave you. You don't want that; because it affects te kids. Take control! You will always have your kids, but don't let them see you miserable. Don't let them see you threatened or beat down whether you're with her or not.