Post: #51

Beyond All Seas

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe.
To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it, you'll be lonely often, and sometimes
frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." - Kipling

Post: #52

A line I've used to devastating effect in the past, when I know a woman is single, recently single again, or if I just need to tease and punish her a bit for being negative:

"Looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of nobody today."

Post: #53

Q:What is the difference between a blonde an UFO?

A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

Post: #54

*that should have been "smart blonde".... my bad Still valid if you visit Turkey or Africa though.

Post: #55

This is one that has to be said instead of read because it's a play on words:

Q: how do you make a hormone

A: kick her in the ass

Post: #56

Woman: Help! An Irishman tried to rape me!
Officer: How do you know he was Irish?
Woman: I had to help him get his dick up.

---

My date and I got cornered down a dark alley by 3 black men last night.

"Oh my god!" my date screamed, holding on to me, "I'm going to be raped!"

"Don't be fucking stupid!" I replied, "How am I gonna rape you now that these dumb cunts have shown up?"
---

Me and my date got cornered down a dark alley by 3 black men last night.

"Oh my god!" my date screamed, holding on to me with fright, "I'm going to be raped!"

"Don't be fucking stupid!" I replied, "How am I gonna rape you now that these cunts have shown up?"

Read more: http://www.sickipedia.org/sex-and-shit/r...z2tRAcKFAa

---

I was raping a bitch the other night, the ol' in-out in-out, and she cried, "Please, think of my children!"

Kinky cunt.

Post: #57

(02-15-2014 06:18 PM)soup Wrote:  This is one that has to be said instead of read because it's a play on words:

Q: how do you make a hormone

A: kick her in the ass

I've heard a variation on that with

A: don't pay her

Post: #58

Why do women watch porn movies to the end?

They think they will get married.

Post: #59

A guy's fiancé goes out shopping.

Her best friend comes over and starts hitting on him.
She's starting to kiss him on the cheek and hug him...

He tells her he has to go.

He steps out the door and there's his fiancé.
She's so happy that he is doing the right thing by leaving.

Moral of the story:
Always leave your condoms in the car.

Beyond All Seas

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe.
To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it, you'll be lonely often, and sometimes
frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." - Kipling

Post: #60

What is the difference between a women and a washing machine?

The washing machine doesn't try to talk to you after you put a load in it!

Post: #61

I may have seen this in the manosphere before... I can't remember, but I touched up the punchline.


A store has just opened that offers free husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the following instructions:

“You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors to choose from. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"

A woman goes to the store to find a husband.

She walks in and on the 1st floor door a sign reads "Floor 1 - These men have steady jobs."

She reads the sign and decides to go up to the second floor to see if they have anything better.

The 2nd floor sign reads "Floor 2 - These men have steady jobs and love children."

She thinks to herself that she can do better, so she walks up the stairs to the next floor.

The 3rd floor sign reads "Floor 3 - These men have steady jobs, love children and are extremely good looking."

“Wow,” she thinks, but she decides to keep going. She walks up to the 4th floor and the sign reads
"Floor 4 - These men have steady jobs, love children, are extremely good looking and help out with the housework"

She can barely contain her excitement, but she goes to the 5th floor and the sign reads
"Floor 5 - These men have steady jobs, love children, are extremely good looking, help out with the housework and are very romantic(will fuck you good)"

She is so tempted to stay, but she knows that the next floor has to be the best yet. She walks up to the 6th floor and the sign reads
"Floor 6 - You are visitor 62,985,471 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that you are impossible to please. Please take a complimentary cat on the way out."

Post: #62

^ haha Will use.

Beyond All Seas

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe.
To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it, you'll be lonely often, and sometimes
frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." - Kipling

Post: #63

Beyond All Seas

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe.
To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it, you'll be lonely often, and sometimes
frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." - Kipling

Post: #64

Q : How do you keep a blonde busy for one day?
A : Ask her to sort M&M'S in alphabetical order.

Q: What does a blonde write for "sex" on questionnaires?
A: Often!

Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: Because they can't find the zip.

Post: #65

- When I was a little boy, my dad used to take me to the circus to go see the tattooed lady. Wasn't worth the effort though...now they're everywhere.

- My brother just updated his FB status to "I love my girlfriend <3". Now I'm all for dating younger girls, but that's a bit much don't you think?

Post: #66

Some of the jokes I post I've reworked...a few of them are original. Regardless, here's more.

-They say that women are like children...but with my girlfriend my cock slides right in...

- I saw the wife at the bank today. Not good news - I thought she'd wash up further downriver...

- If you truly love a girl be sure to make love to her as many times as you can before she starves in the basement.

-The wife told me today that I'm not the father of our daughter. I was absolutely devastated. All those years of holding back...

Cheers

Post: #67

Awesome thread, laughing at a bunch of these. Here's mine:

What do you call a blonde in an institute of higher learning?
A visitor

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, it better be open when she brings it to you.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95 percent of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Why did God invent women?
Because dogs can't bring beer

Post: #68

(11-09-2014 08:10 PM)ChrisPitts Wrote:  Awesome thread, laughing at a bunch of these. Here's mine:

What do you call a blonde in an institute of higher learning?
A visitor

Haha..or "Lost"

Post: #69

The Funny Sexist on Twitter is pretty good.

https://twitter.com/TooSexist

Quote:Iron Man is a superhero.

Iron Woman is a command

Quote:My girlfriend told me to see things from a woman's point of view...

so I looked out of the kitchen's window

Quote:A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone

Quote:My girlfriend is like a good steak on the grill. Once it starts bleeding it's time to flip her over to the brown side.

Quote:*texting girlfriend*

Me: Where's my super woman?

GF: I'm coming.

Me: Typo. I meant where's my supper, woman.

Quote:Women wake up yawning and men with an erection.
Coincidence?

I think not.

Quote:What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, she's already been told twice

What do you call a woman with one black eye?

A fast learner.

Post: #70

A married couple rushes to the hospital because the wife is going into labor. When they arrive, the doctor tells them that the hospital is looking for couples to try out this new machine that transfers a percentage of the mother's pain to the father during childbirth. The couple readily agrees to use it.
When the birthing process starts, the doctor goes ahead and says, "Okay, let's start easy. Transferring 20% of the pain to the father." After a few minutes, the husband, seeing that his wife is still in a lot of pain, asks for more. The doctor says, "Okay, transferring 40% of the pain to the father." The husband, noticing that he is feeling totally fine and his wife is still in pain, asks for more. "Okay, transferring 70% to the father." After a few more minutes, the husband tells the doctor, "Doc, I can handle this, give me all of it." So the doctor transfers 100% of the pain to the father.
The husband seems completely normal, and the wife ends up giving birth with relatively zero pain. Happily, the couple heads home.
When they arrive, they find the mailman dead on the porch.

------

So this elderly coroner and his new assistant are in the morgue when a body comes in. The coroner turns to his assistant and asks. "Are you ready, son?" "Absolutely!" Says the assistant. The doctor uncovers the body and the first thing the assistant notices is it's huge penis, the biggest he's ever seen. They go through the autopsy and the doctor covers him back up. The assistant turns to the doctor and says, "I don't wanna sound unprofessional, but did you SEE that guy's penis?" The doctor turns and goes "Yeah, what about it? I got one just like it!" The assistant, baffled, replies, "You have one just as big?!" And the doctor goes, "No, one just as dead."

---

"Now little ones, where do children go when they do bad things...?", Mrs Mary asked.
"I know! I know!", Little Johnny said with vigour, " they go behind the bushes in the playground!"
"Please little Johnny, mind what you say"
"Oh its true Mrs Mary!", voiced Susan enthusiastically, "T.J took me there and showed me his Weiner."
The teacher gasped in horror as T.J smiled mischievously.
"Oh, it was like a peanut it was!"
"Hah, so it was tiny?", the teacher relieved, asked.
"No, salty!"

Post: #71

- I was jerkin it watching the porn this afternoon when me mum walked in. Bad way to find out what she does for a living...

- I was at the pub last night when I saw some Siamese twins fighting. So I separated them...

- They tell me I'm a privileged fuck who was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Honestly I'm just shocked that me mum's such a pervert.

- The death of my wife has really changed - yes even improved - my love life. For one, she doesn't complain when I stick it up her bum...

Cheers

Post: #72

What did the battered woman do after she got back from the domestic violence shelter?

THE FUCKING dishes if she knows whats good for her!!!!

(Credit to Reddit for this joke.)

Post: #73

I had a feminist teacher in high school, but was too young to really understand what feminism was. At 16 I thought it was just angry women hating men (ironically, 10 years later that still remains true). Anyway, I got her fired up with this:

"Mrs. XXX, want to hear a joke?"

"Sure!"

"Womens rights"

She then went off on a 15 minute rant about how evil men are and how my father put me up to this. That same evening, I found out my dad was in her graduating class and banged her out

Post: #74

A few ones from The Funny Sexist:

What men do after an orgasm.
2% go pee.
3% fall asleep.
95% clear history and delete cookies.

-------------------------------------

Dating a single mom is like continuing someone else's saved game.

Post: #75

What's the smartest thing to come out of a woman's mouth?

-Einstein's dick