Post: #1

XO Jane and Jezebel have published the same article about a woman's advice on how to better manage the annoyances of casual sex at her apartment.

The article begins, as expected, with the eloquence of a elementary school child:

Quote:BARFFFFFFFFFFFFFF, I hate new sex.

A woman who looks like she couldn't give her pussy away to the perpetually hard-up then lists 5 ways to improve on hosting the next pound session at her place. Here are her rules:

1) Find someone with whom you can have casual sex that won't make you feel totally gross after
2)Clean up your place. But only, like, a little bit
3)HIDE YOUR GOOD GROCERIES
4)Run the humidifier on its highest setting
5)Remember that thing you gotta go do

The hide your groceries was my favorite. I'm guessing that most fatty fuckers don't even enjoy the sex act itself, but instead place great importance on raiding her fridge after the fact. It sounds like this one keeps hers stocked like a gourmet doomsday prepper.

Here's the author:



And she wonders why she's single.

Post: #2

That "Hide your good groceries" comment is bizarre, and you're probably right as to the reason. I can't imagine a hot chick worrying about hiding her 'good' groceries before having a guy over.

Post: #3

(01-10-2014 05:37 PM)assman Wrote:  That "Hide your good groceries" comment is bizarre, and you're probably right as to the reason. I can't imagine a hot chick worrying about hiding her 'good' groceries before having a guy over.

Right. A hot chick's fridge is half liquids, an assortment of half-eaten leftovers, Greek yogurt, and maybe some vegetables. Hot chicks do not stockpile snacks.

Post: #4

I don't get the humidifier thing. Why?

Post: #5

(01-10-2014 05:48 PM)Handsome Creepy Eel Wrote:  I don't get the humidifier thing. Why?

dude since when do chicks ever make sense?

Post: #6

(01-10-2014 05:26 PM)Bacchus Wrote:  

She needs to do something about that chest hair.

Lol "Putting away the groceries" was slang in the old neighborhood for the old in-out, in-out.

Post: #7

The elaboration on groceries was:

---------------------

HIDE YOUR GOOD GROCERIES.

Caps Lock on because I mean that shit. Last dude I had up in here was like, “Hey, can I get a glass of water?” and came back to my bed with the Brita pitcher, a package of sopressata still wrapped in butcher paper, an unopened bag of Oreos, and a container of expensive-ass Whole Foods marcona almonds.

All I could do was sit there, mouth slack in disbelief, and watch this dude eat the three-piece mild from Popeyes I was saving for breakfast in two gigantic bites as his slimy penis recoiled back into his body. Now I keep some bottled water on the nightstand. HE ATE MY RED BEANS AND RICE WITH HIS FINGERS, YOU GUYS. I mourn to this day.

---------------------

According to the story, he returned to the bed carrying six items:
Pitcher of water
Salami
Oreos
Almonds
Fried Chicken (this is what she meant by 'three-piece mild from Popeyes')
Red beans and rice side, also from Popeyes

Assuming that even 1/3 of this is true (did he carry a tray? make several trips?), clearly the men she hosts have eating habits as disgusting as hers. Maybe they deserve a tasty treat.

Personally, I never thought to do this - raid her fridge after the bang. Lets go back to the RVF cliche - was this alpha?

Post: #8

The fact that a wildebeest like that can get published on two mainstream/popular websites talking about "rules" of casual sex is disturbing.

Post: #9

(01-10-2014 06:02 PM)Nolecbo Wrote:  Personally, I never thought to do this - raid her fridge after the bang.

In the spirit of the "I just had sex" thread, we should have a "I just ate this from her kitchen" thread to document the plundering of a one night stand's kitchen after plundering her holes.

Post: #10

I wouldn't fuck that slut with a dead man's dick.

It did remind me of this time we were at some random chicks' apt. They both passed out, my boy and I were hungry and it was pretty late. So, we cooked up a few items (they didn't have much), unless you count 80 boxes of mac and cheese and two pallets of ramen food, ate, took a half-full bottle of Jameson and called a cab.

Post: #11

The reason that this woman has so many horrible sex experiences is because only horrible dudes will fuck her. She knows this, but chances are that she will never admit, maybe not even to herself.

Post: #12

(01-10-2014 06:01 PM)Sombro Wrote:  

(01-10-2014 05:26 PM)Bacchus Wrote:  

I'm sure sharpening one's penis in her rabbit-toothed mouth is a thrilling sexual experience.

Post: #13

(01-10-2014 06:44 PM)HeyPete Wrote:  I wouldn't fuck that slut with a dead man's dick

^ This.

Post: #14

The fact that she had all that in her fridge is the shameful part. Dude merely took one for the team by clearing out all that junk. Saved her from diabetes and a heart attack.

He's a hero.

Post: #15

Ah yes the old myspace angle, clearly a SIF, although I think the secret's out already

Not to mention a face that would send a train down a dirt road, plus a tatoo that is so huge and disgusting it sticks out the top of her shirt

Post: #16

(01-10-2014 06:02 PM)Nolecbo Wrote:  All I could do was sit there, mouth slack in disbelief, and watch this dude eat the three-piece mild from Popeyes I was saving for breakfast in two gigantic bites as his slimy penis recoiled back into his body.

Ah, fried chicken...the cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast.

Post: #17

If I ever fucked a disgusting beast like that, she wouldn't have to hide her groceries because I'm hungry. She'd have to hide her groceries so I wouldn't piss in her milk and wipe my ass with her sandwich bread.

Post: #18

Wait a second.





I think those XOJanes might have got us on this one.

Post: #19

(01-10-2014 06:12 PM)assman Wrote:  

(01-10-2014 06:02 PM)Nolecbo Wrote:  Personally, I never thought to do this - raid her fridge after the bang.

In the spirit of the "I just had sex" thread, we should have a "I just ate this from her kitchen" thread to document the plundering of a one night stand's kitchen after plundering her holes.

My friend and I had a long discussion about what causes a girl to hit the wall. His theory was every time a guy fucks a girl and never calls her again, another wrinkle appears in her face. I elaborated with every guy who took a small bag of doritos on his way out.

For the next 30 minutes, we talked about all the shit we should take when leaving a girl's house. Not stealing per say, not something she would call the cops about, but something that would really inconvenience her. The list included

The lint trap in her drier
The light bulb from the lamp
Batteries from her remote
Nail clippers
etc..

We agreed on a new game: we take the cap off of her milk jug (soy milk if she's lactose intolerant). Instead of notches, we now compare milk cap counts.

Post: #20

Also,

Quote:And I know it’s a thing (maybe a sitcom thing?) to bitch about having to do a fake porn moan under the same sweaty, hairy, disgusting meatsack of a pre-corpse...

...as his slimy penis recoiled back into his body.

I guess body acceptance is just for women.

Post: #21

Uhhh, guys? I know we're all pretty caught up in the whole "hide your groceries" thing, but...

Quote:1) Find someone with whom you can have casual sex that won't make you feel totally gross after

What fucking animal incest mutation has she fucked to ever feel disgusted post-coitus? I'd like to meet the loser that got a bad review from this pig.

Post: #22

"When I was 19 or whatever I would've banged whichever bro rang up my purchase at Foot Locker without so much as a "Hey bud, what kind of music do you like?" But I'm old now, so I gotta know what's on your Spotify and the last thing you DVR'd before I disappoint you with the only three things I know how to do in bed. "

damn, its like they don't even try to hide their self loathing anymore.

Post: #23

(01-10-2014 08:03 PM)HeyPete Wrote:  

Wait, is this a cat tattoo lurking out of her pullover?

Post: #24

We need an answer on the humidifier, and we need it now. It's too strange to ignore.

I guess if go over to a girl's house and she has the humidifier going full blast, it's on.

Post: #25

The humidifier is for the smell of her snatch.