I have first discovered the NoPorn/NoFap movement on this forum. At first I did not pay it much attention nor did I even agree with it.
Porn addiction and maladies related to it seemed ludicrous to me I thought and then I unzipped my pants and jerked of to some internet porn.
But you guys made me more observational of my fapping. I’ve realized to be in ‘possession’ of over 20 GB of pornography on my computer which stung a little. ‘Is that really normal?’ I thought to myself. Niggling in my mind I still went happily on my way cumming to plastic bitches in contorted positions.
Two things broke the camels back for me:
1. I realized that after fapping I was always lethargic and out of energy. My mind is foggy and I cannot concentrate. I felt like a puppet on strings, going through the motions, not feeling truly anything nor having the strength to do anything.
2. My girlfriend read an article about men not being able to cum with their partners due to porn and asked me if that is the case for me almost never having an orgasm when we have sex.
Goddamn that struck like a spear through my porn infested heart. I knew it was true the second I heard it. I’m ashamed to type this out now, feels like putrid ooze is on my hands, but I want to come out clean.
My lowest point was when I waited for her to go to sleep in order to look at porn and fap or wake up early to look at porn and fap.
Now when I look back at my behavior back then – Jesus Christ have mercy upon me. Or better yet, don’t. What I did was nothing worthy of a Man. I let lust control me.
When my girlfriend confronted me I just felt like a kid being caught trying to steal cookies all over again: ashamed, ashamed and ashamed. My heart heavy, my breathing erratic, hands sweaty and could see her water filled eyes piercing through mine. There was no reasonable reply I could offer her.
She is a good girl. Traditional, looks good, feminine, likes to cook, has a healthy sexual appetite and a submissive nature. And here I am – throwing all of this away for internet garbage.
I could not sleep that night. My heart was beating like crazy. She was sleeping on my chest and despite the fact that she said that she doesn’t mind if I watch pornography I felt warm tears sliding down my body. She did mind. Of course she did, who would not?
The next day I started reading
Your Brain on Porn and made a vow to break this vicious cycle.
I am happy and proud to say that I’ve made it. It was by no means easy but that is why I’ve said that if I can make it then so can you.
This picture depicts my road down NoFap and one day that will forever remain etched into my mind is the 9th of July 2016 when I succumbed yet again to the scourge that is pornography.
I had an accident with my bicycle where the handlebars smashed into my sternum so hard that I lay in bed for 2 days due to the pain. At first I thought I broke something but thank God did not but it did make breathing heavy as every time I inhaled I could feel stinging.
Simple movements hurt like a bitch and all I was able to do was read and watch stuff on my iPad.
And then it happened.
It first started slow but I could feel the itch in my crotch and I started to look at stuff tangentially related to pornography. Just enough to rationalize in my sick mind that I am not really watching porn until it was too late.
I started fapping to pictures of assess and I had an orgasm.
It was the worst orgasm I’ve ever had.
The cum in my hand felt like slime. I felt dirty laying there motionless due to the pain, with an iPad in my right hand showing big luscious asses.
I thought that this was it, that I would never be able to make it.
Until I did.
I forced myself to get up, got a good cold shower to clear my head and said to myself, like a mantra: ‘This is just a setback. This is just a setback. This is just a setback.’
Everything else is history. There were trying times but a book about
pimping, written by Iceberg Slim helped.
He wrote that a man has to have his skull in order if he is to succeed in anything – from a honest day to day job to pimping.
This is all a man needs: a functioning skull that is in order.
I highly recommend reading the book, for educational and entertainment purposes.
My abstinence from pornography and masturbation made me notice many changes in myself:
- heightened concentration
- heightened motivation
- elevated desire for women
- copious amounts of sex with my girlfriend that keeps me satisfied
- my eyes dart from women to women that I genuinely find beautiful and on top of that I always seem to fix my eyes on their lips, breasts and booty
- better relationships with friends, family and partner
- I can hold my ground much more easily and combatively than before
- I am less scared
And more.
Was it easy? No.
Will it ever be easy to maintain? Hell no.
Is it worth it? Fuck yes.
I know you guys will make it. The days will fly by and before you’ll know it you’ll already be there.
Only now do I understand why God was made an integral part of the Alcoholics Anonymous steps to achieve sobriety – faith is needed.
And I have faith that you will make it.
Godspeed and God bless, my brothers.