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As my game has gotten tighter, I've grown increasingly disenchanted with American women. Entitled, bitchy, prude, judgmental, superficial, uptight... you name it, she's got it.

But I've found a warm, soft respite from this terrible scourge. Big Beautiful Women.


Nirvana

Yes, I'm talking about FAT GIRLS. Or as I like to call them, Cuddly Orbicular Women (COWs). COWs are an underserved gold mine, but it's only a matter of time until men realize this and their egos inflate to match their beauty. We're living in the golden age for milking macking COWs right now, so you had best take advantage.

Despite their lack of conventional shapeliness, you'll need to be in tip-top shape to win their favor; their lack of fitness is no excuse for yours.


Where to Find Them:

All You Can Eat Buffets:



COWs need to eat quite a bit to maintain their beautiful, bountiful figures, so buffets are one of their favorite destinations. You'll want to avoid the trendy ones, like Brazilian and Korean Barbecue Buffets, because ugly skinny people tend to frequent those, and nothing upsets COWs more than the site of people south of 400 lbs. I've had the most luck with Sizzler's lunchtime salad buffet.

Sample elderly chat line: Look at her plate and say, "Do they *really* let you eat all you can eat?" She will be too happy to introduce you to this most American of institutions.

Sample Cocky Funny opener: You see her with only 2000 calories of gravy on her plate and smirk condescendingly, "You must be new to this."

Walmart:



Unfortunately, Walmart has gone south the past couple years, because a certain website publicized the talent that frequents these spots. Ever since, it's become a bit of a sausagefest. Still though, a COW's gotta eat, and preferably cheap food that comes in bulk packaging, so she doesn't have to walk around too much between feeding times. Remember, with her in it, a COW's car doesn't get the fuel economy that yours or mine would, so she's got to economize in other ways.

Broke-ass Hoods




COWs come in all colors

Let's face it, no one wants to hire a COW for anything beyond the most menial of positions, so a COW has gotta make do. A COW also doesn't want to have to see those infuriating anorexic 'fit' people, so she confines herself to the poorer parts of town. This is great for us, because it means her living standards aren't too high, so she's a cheap date. Unless you're going out to eat, going drinking together (higher tolerance), traveling (extra plane tickets), driving her somewhere (that fuel economy again) or down the line, getting a shared health insurance plan. In those cases, a COW could be several times more expensive.

But if you just offer to say, watch Jerry Springer together, no coin necessary amigo.

Places To Avoid

Look, not everywhere is a COW rich environment, though it may seem that way here in the States. There are certain places you want to avoid, lest you find yourself amidst a crowd of slim fit women. Here is a brief list of venues you want to avoid:

Places Where Food Is Not Sold
The Outdoors
Whole Foods
Classy Parts of Town
Pull-up Bars
Rope Bridges
Helicopters & Turboprop planes
Asians
Non-English Speaking Countries

Post: #2

LMAO! Nice one mate. Basil, perhaps you know. If you date a COW do you need to bring the flour or do they? I hear a bag of flour is needed to find the wet spot

Post: #3

Awesome data sheet! +1

The truth is: pussy is pussy. When it comes to fucking, the bigger laydeez aim to please.

As to where to find them, don't forget Club Bounce, if any of you cats ever find yourself in Southern Cal.

   

   

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"Motel and 24 hour food just 50 feet away"

I can just imagine the stampede after last call

Post: #8

Cuddly Orbicular Women (COWs) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Awesome post!

Post: #9

Already looking forward to April 1, 2013 here at RVF to see some more April Fool's comedic gold.

Post: #10

You forgot to mention to avoid GYMS!