Post: #1

I'm not the best with confrontation. And what I mean with that is if I get into a heated argument with someone, or a fight may potentially break out, or if I suspect a robbery or shooting may happen, I'm not the type to get right in the midst of it and welcome it. It's my nature, I always have been the calmer more collected type. At its worst, I sometimes clam up and get nervous, and that's very annoying. Gives off a weak vibe.

There are disadvantages to not being able to handle intense situations and I would like to improve on that if possible. I'm sure it can be done. I used to not be able to speak in public, and now I can. I use to not be able to talk to girls, and now I can. Etc. But that obviously came with practice. But how do you practice being confrontational?

Any recommended tactics for developing confidence or comfort with confrontation? The only times I've noticed where I have somewhat of this mentality is when I'm pissed off I care less about everything and almost want to confront people. But I don't see that as a viable solution.

P.S. I'm not talking about confrontation with girls, rather I mean with guys.

Post: #2

Since you tend to avoid confrontation, I have a fix that plays to your preference.
Get into a contact sport or boxing so you can force project a "Don't fuck with me" vibe. Stuff naturally tends to de-escalate when you're a scary dude.

Post: #3

Practice. Think of physically escalating on a girl, and how you were probably skittish about doing it once upon a time. Then, as now, you *wanted* to do it. But you lacked the practice and experience. You were scared of the repercussions, were convinced that everything would go badly when it wouldn't. You didn't have the physical, psychological familiarity with escalating that lets you now touch girls with aplomb, unthinkingly.

And will. You have to want to do it, and admit to yourself that you want to do it. Then you just force yourself, against your ingrained habit, to confront someone. It might come off as weak when you first start doing it, you might have to pick small battles, but you'll get better. That said, I don't know what kinds of confrontation you mean. A specific example would help.

Being non-confrontational can be a good thing. I wish I didn't get angry over things like someone cutting me off in traffic. It's easy to get caught up in the whole alpha worship, and forget that sometimes playing the aggressive alpha with other men just isn't worth it. As in, why put your ass on the line just to win some dick-waving competition with a couple irrelevant thugs? Plus, girls are actually more combative than guys nowadays. Almost every time I go out, some guy steps on my foot, or bumps into me, but it's obviously accidental, he apologizes, and I overlook it.

I have no problem confronting people, but not to the point of starting a fight.

My approach: In terms of body language, when in doubt, maintain strong or relaxed posture. Don't lean forward. Cock your head back and up a little. Make it a sidelong glance, not a direct one. Position your torso and feet in a direction other than your opponent. Maintain a neutral, relaxed and slightly dismissive tone, leavened with humor where appropriate. Overall, the effect is to make the other guy feel beneath you, not worthy of your full attention, even silly for fucking with you. It's less try-hard and also less likely to escalate a conflict, except with a really angry meathead.

Or...

Look closely at 0:26






is all you need.

Post: #4

Join a boxing gym.

Post: #5

Jiu Jitsu, boxing, Muay Thai, wrestling, lifting weights etc. Pick one or two you think you may enjoy and give it a try. All are great confidence builders in many areas of life, not just for fighting/confrontation. But you have to ENJOY doing the one you pick or you will never stick with it long enough to build confidence.

Personally, I love Jiu Jitsu.

Post: #6

Get a job in the trades, you'll confront assholes on a daily basis and you're three favorite words will become "go fuck yourself", worked for me anyway.

Post: #7

Learn to fight.

Join a boxing, BJJ, Judo, Kickboxing/Muay Thai, MMA gym. The cheapest (and some may say the best) choices are boxing and judo. It won't turn you into Billy Badass, but it WILL get you comfortable with the idea of a physical altercation. A key point is do something where they REALLY hit/throw/choke you, don't bother with some martial arts that are really little more than air tag. Once you get punched or thrown to the ground and realize "Hey, I didn't die, and I didn't crap my pants!" you will be MUCH more confidence.

Women WILL pick up on this. In the US, the most consistant times that women have approached me has been on my way home after Judo/Full Contact Karate classes. You just give off a vibe. Your body is flush with all of those hormones and pheromones that come from physical combat and women soak that shit up like it was honey.

From there you will NATURALLY develop your own style of dealing with confrontations with other men. Some guys like to scream and get all bug-eyed. My style is much more calm. I don't raise my voice and the more excited the confronter gets, the calmer I get. It stems from accepting that this may lead to violence and being perfectly cool with that. That calm confidence tends to de-escalate situations because 1) you aren't feeding into the other guys agression,2) often the other guy begins to worry about why you are so calm, and 3) he has an opportunity to back out while saving face.

Keep in mind something. The VAST majority of men do not know how to fight with any level of skill. They don't know how to throw a good punch, they have no clue how to work in a clinch, and they are completely screwed on the ground. Any significant amount of REALISTIC training will give you a huge leg up.

Post: #8

'And what I mean with that is if I get into a heated argument with someone, or a fight may potentially break out, or if I suspect a robbery or shooting may happen, I'm not the type to get right in the midst of it and welcome it.'

So your problem is that you are not worsening arguments, not getting injured or assaulting someone in a fight, nor are you putting yourself at greater risk of getting shot? Seems like quite the problem to have.

Post: #9

(05-30-2012 02:26 AM)RioNomad Wrote:  Jiu Jitsu, boxing, Muay Thai, wrestling, lifting weights etc. Pick one or two you think you may enjoy and give it a try. All are great confidence builders in many areas of life, not just for fighting/confrontation. But you have to ENJOY doing the one you pick or you will never stick with it long enough to build confidence.

Personally, I love Jiu Jitsu.

Did BJJ make you more confrontational?

Personally, it made me less confrontational, because I understand the seriousness of a street fight more deeply now. The same with fighting professionally in Muay Thai.

The original poster does not want to be non-confrontational though.

Post: #10

(05-30-2012 09:15 AM)joehoya Wrote:  Keep in mind something. The VAST majority of men do not know how to fight with any level of skill. They don't know how to throw a good punch, they have no clue how to work in a clinch, and they are completely screwed on the ground. Any significant amount of REALISTIC training will give you a huge leg up.

How does "realistic" training help stop you from getting stabbed in the abdomen with a knife or hit over the head with a beer bottle from behind? How does it prevent you from getting hit in the face and knocked out once you step outside the stairs where a few guys are waiting for you?

Post: #11

(05-30-2012 12:44 PM)Roark Wrote:  

(05-30-2012 09:15 AM)joehoya Wrote:  Keep in mind something. The VAST majority of men do not know how to fight with any level of skill. They don't know how to throw a good punch, they have no clue how to work in a clinch, and they are completely screwed on the ground. Any significant amount of REALISTIC training will give you a huge leg up.

How does "realistic" training help stop you from getting stabbed in the abdomen with a knife or hit over the head with a beer bottle from behind? How does it prevent you from getting hit in the face and knocked out once you step outside the stairs where a few guys are waiting for you?

Easy. Once you have been training realistically for a while, you (or at least I did) lose your desire to prove anything and makes you more humble. Notice that I said humble and not afraid. Backing down from a fight because you don't want the hassle is VERY different from backing down from a fight because you are terrified since you have no clue how to defend yourself.

IMHO, most confrontation is based on one or both parties being afraid of looking like a punk. When I actually started training, I learned two important things. 1) most people can't fight well. 2) there were people that could EASILY beat me. As a result, I had nothing to prove.

What did it matter if I could choke a guy with ZERO experience out in a bar, when there was a line of dudes in my gym that could do the same to me? Instigating a fight with someone who wasn't trained just to prove to others that I could beat him easily would seem like a punk move. It would be like me finding the smallest guy in the bar/club and trying to start shit with him.

As a result, I don't add fuel to the fire for fights. Not doing that lowers the number of fights you get into, which, in turn, lowers the chances of being stabbed/bottled/jumped in a bar or club. Learning to fight develops humility. But the humility comes from a position of strength, not a position of fear. In confrontations, people can detect the difference.

Humility from a position of strength gives your opponent a warning while giving them a way to back out without losing face. Humility from a position of fear can easily encourage an agressor to go further because he thinks he can physically or mentally defeat you and raise his stature with his group.

Post: #12

Let me clarify what I meant...sorry for the confusion. I'm not trying to build confidence to start confrontations. I'm trying to build confidence for when I'm in a confrontation of no choice of my own.

I don't want to start a fight, instigate a fight, egg someone on, or escalate a tense situation. I'd do the exact opposite. I'd want to walk away and smooth things over. BUT, on the chance the person does not back down, and it seems like shit's about to go down, I want to have the confidence/calmness to handle the situation and be it lose or win, at least know how to handle myself.

And not specifically all about fighting. It can be arguments, I'm wired for some snitching, who knows. I'm just wondering if there are ways to build an ability to basically have the same relaxed nature when I'm about to get into an intense situation as I am typing this post.

Post: #13

You could start shit and then practice talking your way out of it.

See a pretty girl with long hair in a bar with a boyfriend? Give her hair a good yank.

Start arguments with people parking their car telling them they just stole the parking space you were about to take.

hehehe

Or get a manager position at your workplace and learn how to deal with employees, especially when they don't get shit done what you need done. Same deal.

Post: #14

Its interpersonal skills - verbal assertiveness, persuasion, frame control. That's your most powerful tool.

Fighting will certainly give you a confidence/calmness. Knowing your hands can do damage, or if someone grabs you you can inflict pain on them, is certainly confidence building. Your words are then backed with the power and confidence you know you have in your own body, if someone were to continue overstepping your boundaries. And you exude a vibe of "I WILL defend myself and I AM competent at inflicting pain and damage". Definitely powerful.

BUT, at the same time. I think alot of guys who go too far down that road are actually missing a good point - and its that verbal strength is nearly always the most powerful tool to control or influence a situation. If you're overly focussed on martial arts to be your source of strength, in a "worst-case-scenario-I-can-hurt-him-badly" kind of way, then you're very limited. What about situations with bouncers, corrupt cops, groups of thugs, psycho boyfriends with weapons, etc? Or even important situations that demand deft and tact - business disagreements, negotiations, angry customers? Situations where fighting and aggression is either unwinnable or a complete fail and you HAVE to use your verbals to survive or get what you want?

Your first first line of defense, which is also your most powerful, is verbal assertiveness and fluidity, persuasiveness, frame control, etc.
Alot of it comes from experience. Im by no means an expert but Im getting better at it. I think this is really something you learn by osmosis too, from seeing and being around guys who are strong at it. Examples online are Tyler and Manwhore over at RSD - they are very good with this stuff.

A good book on assertiveness in general is "When I Say No I Feel Guilty". More about everyday situations but the principles of assertiveness he outlines and "your assertive rights" are absolutely golden. It makes you immune to whatever manipulative frames they try and put you in (which is what confrontation is alot of the time - an attempt to manipulate you), and you can focus on getting what you want out of the situation. Couple that with 6 months of boxing for pure physical confidence, I would think you'd be well on your way.

Post: #15

(05-31-2012 12:24 PM)RichieP Wrote:  What about situations with bouncers, corrupt cops, groups of thugs, psycho boyfriends with weapons, etc? Or even important situations that demand deft and tact - business disagreements, negotiations, angry customers? Situations where fighting and aggression is either unwinnable or a complete fail and you HAVE to use your verbals to survive or get what you want?

Your first first line of defense, which is also your most powerful, is verbal assertiveness and fluidity, persuasiveness, frame control, etc.

This is what I was talking about. Sadly I couldn't put it in words. Thanks for the book tip. I'll look into some form of boxing training too, though I'll be laughable when I start.

Post: #16

While the 'secret' to dealing with most of those situations is to steadfastly believing you're "in the right." If you don't fully believe that what you did and why, you won't be able to assertively stand your ground.

That being said, if you're in a situation with a psycho exbf the best thing to do is start dialing the cops in front of him. That usually scares em away. If you're accosted by a group of thugs, run. If you're dealing with anyone - either yourself or someone else - who's drunk, well everything gets thrown out the window.

Post: #17

@slubu- just breathe. Dont forget to breathe.

And be calm, there is no honor in fighting drunk people. Thats what usually is the cause of fighting. I have know people who broke hands, arms, noses. Not only is not physically unpleasant, it is also financially unpleasant as well. Hospital bills are pricey.

Best to apologize briefly and back-out and then go on your way. If it really comes to it, grab the nearest sharp or dangerous object and arm yourself.

Post: #18

Not everyone can be an intimidating MMA champion BUT every man can take lethal force training with firearms and get a concealed carry permit in most places (Except convicted felons) - a 5'2" woman with a 9MM who is properly trained how to use it and how to legally escalate to lethal force for self defense if necessary is a formidable ferocious female grizzly bear to the toughest street thug that might want to rape her. My future wife if I take one will be trained or she will not become my wife.

So as a man a CCP training with a reliable easy to carry piece (stainless 9MM Kurz, Walther, Sig etc) will dissuade even the worst thug muggas. As they teach in the service "two in the heart and one in the head you can be sure the mo fo is dead".

Some totally strange unknown trench coat goth phook came into the local Cigar Store Man cave last year when a dozen guys including me were enjoying smokes watching a game on the HD big screen and the goth had the balls to ask what would happen if someone tried rob the place - the guy behind the counter has a CCP and was trained at the local Sig Sauer academy in marksmanship, self defense and use of lethal force as well as advanced combat marksmanship with a handgun. There was one off duty cop and several veterans and one executive protection pro.

The shift manager behind the counter asked the guys how many were carrying? Our code to show - of the dozen 7 guns were raised - the goth phook left promptly never to return again.

Ignore the liberal Blue Pill media - In 99% of unexpected self defense situations guns prevent violence and protect YOU and yours from being a victim.

If you really want to project a serious controlled lethal do not eff with me attitude with real skillz and learn the precise language and tactics that will diffuse 99% of situations see:

http://www.sigsaueracademy.com/Courses/S...FinderID=7

Perhaps one of the most respected training academies in the country for everything from basic self defense up to advanced Law Enforcement, SWAT, Executive Protection and even specialized Military Training/refresher.

I am in the photo in my avatar and we "noseconers" all used to stand armed topside watch in port to protect the boat 7/24 - I would personally rate the Sig Sauer Academy as better practical combat arms training than any I received in the service.

Our forefathers gave us the 2nd amendment and right to keep and bear arms for a reason, learn it, know it, use it, support it, defend it and it will defend YOU!

Post: #19

(05-31-2012 12:24 PM)RichieP Wrote:  Its interpersonal skills - verbal assertiveness, persuasion, frame control. That's your most powerful tool.

Fighting will certainly give you a confidence/calmness. Knowing your hands can do damage, or if someone grabs you you can inflict pain on them, is certainly confidence building. Your words are then backed with the power and confidence you know you have in your own body, if someone were to continue overstepping your boundaries. And you exude a vibe of "I WILL defend myself and I AM competent at inflicting pain and damage". Definitely powerful.

BUT, at the same time. I think alot of guys who go too far down that road are actually missing a good point - and its that verbal strength is nearly always the most powerful tool to control or influence a situation. If you're overly focussed on martial arts to be your source of strength, in a "worst-case-scenario-I-can-hurt-him-badly" kind of way, then you're very limited. What about situations with bouncers, corrupt cops, groups of thugs, psycho boyfriends with weapons, etc? Or even important situations that demand deft and tact - business disagreements, negotiations, angry customers? Situations where fighting and aggression is either unwinnable or a complete fail and you HAVE to use your verbals to survive or get what you want?

Your first first line of defense, which is also your most powerful, is verbal assertiveness and fluidity, persuasiveness, frame control, etc.
Alot of it comes from experience. Im by no means an expert but Im getting better at it. I think this is really something you learn by osmosis too, from seeing and being around guys who are strong at it. Examples online are Tyler and Manwhore over at RSD - they are very good with this stuff.

A good book on assertiveness in general is "When I Say No I Feel Guilty". More about everyday situations but the principles of assertiveness he outlines and "your assertive rights" are absolutely golden. It makes you immune to whatever manipulative frames they try and put you in (which is what confrontation is alot of the time - an attempt to manipulate you), and you can focus on getting what you want out of the situation. Couple that with 6 months of boxing for pure physical confidence, I would think you'd be well on your way.

+1 When you learn to project a lethal self defense confidence in your body language verbal response is almost never necessary and if the attacker escalates - the verbal self defense language of lethal force usually strikes complete utter and total fear in the attackers core and they go into immediate flight response and unless they are blind drunk or whacked on drugs will disappear and never come back to the place they almost met their maker. Pavlovian response works.

Post: #20

(01-14-2013 01:12 AM)DVY Wrote:  @slubu- just breathe. Dont forget to breathe.

And be calm, there is no honor in fighting drunk people. Thats what usually is the cause of fighting. I have know people who broke hands, arms, noses. Not only is not physically unpleasant, it is also financially unpleasant as well. Hospital bills are pricey.

Best to apologize briefly and back-out and then go on your way. If it really comes to it, grab the nearest sharp or dangerous object and arm yourself.

+2 always better to walk away from a situation that does not feel right and stay out of places over run with drunks - belligerent drunks drive away desirable women and cause problems that's why clubs/bars have bouncers - on the same vein of thought do not get Drunk in public otherwise you are liable to meet lethal people you had no idea were lethal.

Post: #21

(05-31-2012 09:08 PM)slubu Wrote:  This is what I was talking about. Sadly I couldn't put it in words. Thanks for the book tip. I'll look into some form of boxing training too, though I'll be laughable when I start.

Here's the PDF version of the book, if you were still look for it (or if anyone else was curious).

Wald

Post: #22

Verbal Judo: Diffusing Conflict Through Conversation

Post: #23

Time reframe is one of the most effective tools I have learned to use in the workplace, with cops, g/f's ect. Leaned this from a seasoned pro years ago, but it took a long time to understand. Even now, I still fire off sometimes. Patience goes a long way.

Post: #24

This is one of my favorite topics. I can't believe I missed this thread.

Obviously, boxing/mma/fighting is the answer. Specifically, LIVE SPARRING. Don't just hit bags and mitts. HIT THINGS THAT HIT BACK.

This will build your confrontational confidence. Getting into good physical condition (stamina, strength) will also help. Getting into loud arguments with people will help. Challenging people to fist fights will help. Calling people out on their bullshit will help.

I know these are extreme examples, I'm just thinking out loud about things that increased my confrontational confidence.

Study the art of self defense. Educate yourself on the fundamentals of self defense.

Rule #1. The best thing to do is to avoid a physical altercation.

Violence is not worth the risk. Human flesh is very soft. Guys are out of their minds drunk and on drugs. Not worth it.

Learning the basics of self defense will increase your baseline confrontational confidence levels significantly. Of course it will take a few years of hard work and dedication but you knew that. Becoming a bad ass doesn't happen over night.

Learning how to fight and doing live sparring will force you to face those fears. The fear of getting beat up. The fear of actually having to fight. Go to a fight gym. You will fight. You will face that fear. Thats the best thing to do.

Being able to handle yourself physically makes you feel superior to 90% of the other men on the room, because in evolutionary terms, if it was a fight or flight situation to the death, the trained fighter will win. He knows that.

Unless, their are other weapons involved. If the guy has a gun, boxing wont help.

Still, learning to fight is well worth the investment, its one of the most masculine things you could ever imagine doing.

Oh wait???

Slubu was more interested in how to verbally deescalate a potentialy violent situation???

Well, then that would be persuasion, charm, verbal skills, etc. Like Richie already broke down:

(05-31-2012 12:24 PM)RichieP Wrote:  Its interpersonal skills - verbal assertiveness, persuasion, frame control. That's your most powerful tool.

Oh fuck. I just realized that RichieP already murdered this thread and shut it down. Great post Rich.

(03-10-2013 06:33 PM)Aliblahba Wrote:  Time reframe is one of the most effective tools I have learned to use in the workplace, with cops, g/f's ect. Leaned this from a seasoned pro years ago, but it took a long time to understand. Even now, I still fire off sometimes. Patience goes a long way.

What's "time reframe" ???

Sound beautiful.

Post: #25

(03-10-2013 06:33 PM)Aliblahba Wrote:  Time reframe is one of the most effective tools I have learned to use in the workplace, with cops, g/f's ect. Leaned this from a seasoned pro years ago, but it took a long time to understand. Even now, I still fire off sometimes. Patience goes a long way.

Could you expand on time reframing?