Post: #1

He was only 31 or 32. My daughter met him in high school. He was a laid back, popular kid who drove a cool old pickup truck. They conceived around graduation time and broke up a few months after my grandson was born.

Sadly, he was one of those guys who reached his pinnacle of success in high school. He spent the rest of his life seemingly dodging any kind of responsibility. I’m not hating on him; this is merely a cautionary tale.

Hi was in a bad car wreck a few years ago on a drunken night, and broke his back. I don’t know if he was the driver and it doesn’t matter. As far as I can tell he was on painkillers (oxycontin?) ever since. I’m not sure if that led to his demise, but I’d say probably, directly or indirectly. There will be an autopsy.

I don’t really care that much about him. I care about my 11 year old grandson who must carry this burden for the rest of his life. And yes, I’m judging him (the dad) but not from a position of superiority. I failed as a father too, in many ways.

If you lost your dad at a young age I’d like to know what the adults in your life did, or could have done, to help you. I’m very close to my grandson and I’m in a position to spend time and money to make a positive difference.

Post: #2

Basically all you can do is try to be the masculine figure in his life. You can do that without replacing his father. You are his grandfather. He’s at the age now where he needs somebody like that. Ages 11-13 are the “make or break” years, where boys usually find their first role models. You can’t replace his dad but u can learn from both his mistakes and your mistakes and give this kid a great head start into teen years.

I know it’s a rough time but he needs to learn game(maybe not just female game but he needs to learn to be confident talking to and leading people). He need to learn the importance of working out and hard work. He needs to learn the importance of learning.

I’m just telling you things many boys wished they had as a kid. I’m around kids 11-18 every day and many wish they had a good relationship with somebody somewhat masculine.

Post: #3

The most important piece of advice I can give is that you need to help the kid by not sugar-coating what he's going to miss out on and by the sound of it has to some degree already missed out on by not having a decent father around, and although it's going to hit a bit close to home in the years rounding 14 through 18 you're going to need to make it clear to him that he's suffered because his mother fucked up her mate selection criteria (obviously put it in nicer terms than that).

If you don't explain to him effectively how mum and dad fucked up, how it's going to affect him, what he needs to do to counteract that and how to avoid making the same mistakes then he's going to lose many years of his life finding these things out the hard way and likely make a lot of the same mistakes or other related ones.

My circumstances were similar to your grandson's but unfortunately both my grandfathers were already dead. I was raised under the bullshit premise that my surroundings and family income and defective family unit in general was irrelevant to my future and overall well-being, and that as long as I had food in my stomach most days of the week then I was fine. Suffice to say all of the people responsible for having a hand in my upbringing were dodging responsibility for compromising my future with their shitty choices and therefore gladly attempted to reduce the situation to that typical socialist atomized "you have school and clothes and food, the rest is up to you" bullshit. I had all the unconditional love in the world but I became increasingly angry and isolated because "there was nothing wrong with me" but my life was still going nowhere. Nobody was willing to tell me "there are things wrong with you, it's not your fault, but if you want to win you're still going to have to deal with it".

Coming into his teens the kid is going to need to be made aware of what pieces in the puzzle of his life are missing so that he doesn't waste 10 years of his life wondering why the picture isn't coming together. As a patriarch your job is not to offer unconditional love and emotional support. You have the much harder task of red-pilling your grandson about what his mother and father robbed him of and what he needs to do to avoid ending up in the same situation, for his sake and the sake of his future family.

Post: #4

I would think that for the next few months the more pressing issue is how to proceed with your daughter, without whom you won't have much access to or relationship with the grandson.

Yada yada patriarch is all fine and good... But it's you and your daughter both that will have to figure it out together.

I imagine she might not be so on board with the proposed "your mom fucked up her mate selection" lessons...

Post: #5

Unfiltered opinion: Your grandson will be better off.

Many men hate their fathers, but near everybody appreciates their grandfather. Probably a byproduct of age and having done it before, grandfathers know how to raise a kid.

Post: #6

You know what to do, be a great role model, support, teach and mentor the young lad.

Focus on the positives (the great things you can do together, how you will be there for him etc) not the negatives (how bad his dad was, what he will miss without a dad etc)

I agree with the above poster, your daughter may need more support up front than the grandkid... check in with her, again keep it positive.

Good luck and be kind, supportive and shelve the judgments and make a positive change to your loved ones, they are after all, your flesh and blood.

Post: #7

Edit: sorry I misunderstood the title, just saw it was your daughter's husband. Condolences

Post: #8

(02-24-2019 02:12 PM)NomadofEU Wrote:  Edit: sorry I misunderstood the title, just saw it was your daughter's husband. Condolences

No worries, not her husband, her high school boyfriend.

Post: #9

Thanks for all the feedback. The teenage years loom on the horizon. He has high emotional intelligence but I'm sure it will be difficult for him as he comes to grips with how his parents have let him down.

Post: #10

I still have my father but I have several close friends that grew up without fathers in their every day life (divorced, absent, etc.) and also have a young relative with a father inconsistently in and out of his life.

I agree with the above about your daughter relationship being more important in the short term. Like it or not, a single mother has all the power to decide what relatives she brings her kid around. So I think in order to get to the grandson, you should keep your daughter happy. Not only that, but in general that should be important. She's your own blood and is going through a very vulnerable time right now. If you keep your daughter's morale up, that will be good for your son. Keep her motivated to be a good influence on your grandson, steer her away from possibly being neglectful or having a lineup of new guys coming into the grandson's life.

As for your grandson, I have learned more about women from my grandfather than my father. He has the old school mentality I kind of need for it. I would say you can still pass down masculine qualities to him just by being in the picture and a regular part of his life. Yes, it will hurt not having a male figure there every day, but just being consistent, a positive role model, and giving him good advice will bridge a gap. He will still need a male voice in his life and will subconsciously seek one as he gets older. These are important years coming up I will agree with that. I'll put it this way. I have a great father and would still say there were 3-4 other male role models I learned a lot from in my life. Without a father, those male role models are just under a bigger microscope.

Don't go talking too much shit about his father though. You don't have to blue pill him with everything about him, but save the negative stuff for important moments. There's things about my life I would not want my younger relatives knowing unless they absolutely have to. I'd put the same rules in for this case. At the end of the day, the guy is still the kid's father and this is going to be a vulnerable spot as is without all the talk being negative.

Post: #11

What ever you do, do not, and I mean DO NOT bad mouth your grandsons father in front of him. This goes for your daughter as well. The worst thing you can do is try to turn a child from their father. If you do so he'll hate his mother, act like her and become an angry person. Fastest track to becoming a fuck up.

Post: #12

I do not have such an experience so I cannot offer any advice. However, your grandson is lucky to have a grandfather like you, who cares about him.

Post: #13

How old are you OP.

Post: #14

I agree with you all about not saying anything negative about his father. I'm sure he'll realize on his own some of the flaws that were there.

Post: #15

(02-26-2019 10:43 AM)Beirut Wrote:  How old are you OP.

I'm 57. I'm strongly considering selling my motorcycle to increase my chances of surviving until he's well into adulthood. I've been his primary father figure since he was a baby and I pray he doesn't have to experience another crushing loss for a long long time.

Post: #16

@Duke Seems like you’re already feeling that way in your gut, you should probably do it. I know they’re fun, sexy, cool, alpha, badass, whatever, but my friend died on a motorcycle in an accident that he had zero responsibility and fault in and ever since then I have felt that the risk of riding one isn’t worth it.