Post: #26

I have been going through a tough breakup myself over the past month or so, and here are a few of my thoughts:

The sting of rejection can play havoc with your ego. For me, this girl was beautiful, and reasonable company, and she broke up with me - at the age of 28, the only one ever to do so, and the only one I've been with that I've really liked. She has been on my mind a lot, but when I take a step back and analyse my thoughts about her, they are always conversations about her realising she made a mistake, and me telling her dispassionately that I couldn't now take her back. I don't sit and mope about 'the good times', or how special it was - in fact I'm hard pushed to think of anything that really set her apart from the other girls I've been with (apart from the spectacular fucking). Maybe I had to operate at 30% mentally with her rather than the 25% I'm accustomed to with girls - hardly worth pining over. What really stings is the blow to the ego, and the lack of ready replacement. Recognising that this is a matter of ego, rather than a matter of true tragic loss, allows you to address it for what it is.

To that end, whilst you shouldn't base your self-esteem on the opinion of any individual girl, a rejection can be a valuable form of feedback on where you are at currently. I realised that I manifested many of the unattractive behaviours that are so often listed on this forum - the ones we know turn women off - and whatever her shortcomings, I made mistakes that I can learn from and not make next time around. To that end, my future relationships will improve for the experience, whatever the short term pain, and for that I feel I must be grateful.

Beyond that, when viewed at a level of abstraction, what I feel women often offer as an ideal in the mind of a man is a refuge from the relentless hardness of life. This is largely a lie in practice, but we tie ourselves in knots finding ways to keep the lie alive. We lose the girl, but what hurts us most is the loss of an ideal that allows us to believe that life needn't be quite so difficult and unforgiving. In a sense, we use this ideal of woman to give ourselves an excuse to retreat from the world in a relationship, and in a way to become losers in a socially acceptable way. The solution I have found helpful is to try to accept reality in all its unlovely harshness, and to take the opportunity to become tougher, more worldly, and better equipped to realise the life I should like for myself, which without these tests and the knowledge they provide would not be possible. I have a clear idea of where I'm trying to get to, and I try to look at the setbacks and failures as crucial steps - every bit as essential as the successes - along the path to that ideal I'm striving for.

Finally, if that's all a bit vague and wishy washy, I suggest you look at all the men of 35-45 in the world around you who are tied to some girl or another of a similar sort of age - increasingly paunchy dudes, very many of whom are already done, and are on a slow crawl to the grave. Would you settle for that reality simply because you're infatuated with some girl now? If you have eyes to see you can appreciate how easily you could end up one of those guys because you'll settle for a little comfort and respite whilst it lasts (and it rarely lasts, even if the relationship does). When the girl leaves you to enjoy her last few good years, take a look around you at all the men who were not so lucky, who did not get this stark lesson or who couldn't learn from it when they did, and think, 'There but for the grace of God, go I'.

Post: #27

^ one of the best posters on the forum.

Post: #28

(11-07-2017 07:23 PM)littleG Wrote:  ^ one of the best posters on the forum.

*and best posts on this forum

Post: #29

For break ups, I cry like a bitch for a couple of months, then party like a madman and stick my dick in whatever, then again cry like a bitch. After three months you're over it. Never call or see the girl though, even if you initiated the breakup (you broke up with her for a reason) fuck that bitch.

Post: #30

(11-07-2017 07:23 PM)littleG Wrote:  ^ one of the best posters on the forum.

Rep that muthafucka then, littleG!!!

Beyond All Seas

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe.
To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it, you'll be lonely often, and sometimes
frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." - Kipling

Post: #31

(11-06-2017 03:38 PM)H1N1 Wrote:  Finally, if that's all a bit vague and wishy washy, I suggest you look at all the men of 35-45 in the world around you who are tied to some girl or another of a similar sort of age - increasingly paunchy dudes, very many of whom are already done, and are on a slow crawl to the grave. Would you settle for that reality simply because you're infatuated with some girl now? If you have eyes to see you can appreciate how easily you could end up one of those guys because you'll settle for a little comfort and respite whilst it lasts (and it rarely lasts, even if the relationship does). When the girl leaves you to enjoy her last few good years, take a look around you at all the men who were not so lucky, who did not get this stark lesson or who couldn't learn from it when they did, and think, 'There but for the grace of God, go I'.

Great post overall but highlighting this part because I think of this often at 36.

I look back at all the girls it didn't work out with when I was younger, whether through their fault or mine, and no way I'd want to be with them now. Even the ones who've aged splendidly and still look hot. Think of all the young pussy and adventure I'd have missed out on if I'd have gotten what I "wanted" instead..and more certainly to come.

I am somewhat of a romantic at heart and would like to tie down some girl abroad and knock her up one of these days, preferably one around a decade and a half my junior. For now not only do I feel grateful for all the bullets I decided to dodge on my own but for all the ones that dodged me.

Looking back at the past certainly puts things in perspective every time things stop going well with a new girl. Time doesn't just heal - it puts things in a whole new perspective. "Succeeding" with one girl while you're still young may very well come back to bite you if you enjoy younger women.

Beyond All Seas

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe.
To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it, you'll be lonely often, and sometimes
frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." - Kipling

Post: #32

Playing this may be helpful:

Post: #33

If things were going good, I doubt she would ghost. Take a hard look at your behavior, her behavior, and try to pinpoint some areas that were off. Improve from there.

Post: #34

Meditation - understanding that everything is ephemeral....sadness, happiness, break-ups etc.. Allow the good /bad things to occur without dwelling on them. Meditate

Post: #35

In case anyone was curious, I later got in touch with the gal about May this year. She claimed she never got my texts and thought I ghosted her.

And...

she had a baby. And her and the Father are not on speaking terms. I haven't talked to her since.

G

Post: #36

I have just got through the whole thread for the first time and I was acknowledging all the opinions...

and at the end I started to laugh. All the advices are really good ones, but the final outcome of the situation is the answer itself. You have been excluded from plane flight, that ended up with crash.

Post: #37

If you have a life that has purpose i.e. interests that you pursue and that have meaning for you that you still do while you're in a relationship, the fall isn't that great. Never let anyone isolate you from your interests or your true friends. Many men make this mistake and pay for it dearly.

Post: #38

Workout, feel like an Adonis, admire my aesthetics in front of mirror.

Wait, what was I sad about again?

Post: #39

My own parents rejected me as a kid. No girl can match that.

Post: #40

I think taking time after a relationship to pause and reflect is a good thing. You shouldn't go dive head first into dating another girl, as you won't be fully available to her in the way that you could be when you have recovered - you'll be constantly comparing her to the last girl, and it's not really fair to her or yourself to do so.

Depending on the length of the relationship, you may need to take a month or so. Go hit the gym, focus on learning a new skill, and getting yourself in order. Often in relationships we forget who we are and what made us desirable in the first place. Find it again.

Contrary to popular belief, I don't think that running through a bunch of new pussy is the best idea. At least in the beginning. Don't go get drunk and make stupid decisions either. You should focus on making yourself better and creating what you wish to see for yourself. And then never losing sight of that again.

Interesting perspectives on here. There's no right or wrong way of going about it, but you want whatever you do to not harm you further.

Post: #41

Love yourself more than you love any girl. Especially one you just met.

Post: #42

(11-28-2018 07:58 AM)BadBoyGamer Wrote:  My own parents rejected me as a kid. No girl can match that.

I wasn't rejected as such, but I never received much love as a child, and even though that can make some people needy, for me it worked the other way around. I learned from early on to be self-sufficient and understood that I had, to quote George Benson, the greatest love of all.

Post: #43

Some of the best responses that I've read on the forum.

I've given my heart to two women and the pain still stings from both, even years later. Both of them at least temporarily ruined my life.

The other guys have said what needs to be said. It hurts most when you find a hot traditional girl who you have chemistry with and you are not in the small percentile of guys who can cultivate that easily. The key is not fully giving your heart by understanding that she is a selfish person who's best interest is herself, and if she determines that you no longer provide the best value then she can branch swing.

Post: #44

I think it's less about what you do after and more about what you do during. See, game is not just gaming the girl; it's gaming yourself. Inner game is not just working on your values, establishing a firm reality, nourishing your assets, strengthening your weaknesses, etc. It's very much about MAINTAINING self-awareness throughout the relationship - which includes being aware of how you feel at every juncture. And when you make yourself aware, always take a step back and assess why the girl means anything to you or your happiness. Be aware at every step what your successes and failures were to help retrace your steps. This is so key, because as men, we always want to make logical sense of things; it's part of what defines the masculine.

In addition, you should always be aware of the dynamics in the relationship. Like one of the previous posters suggested, the "heartbreak" you feel is mostly about the ego. Realizing this is one way to logically trace your source of pain and whether you're attached to her as a person or the sudden absence of your ego getting stroked. Retracing the steps has value because it gives you something to hang onto - that you have to work on it and do better next time/avoid the same mistakes.

One thing to keep in mind is that, after every breakup, you're going to feel pain. It can be gut-wrenching, but that's just part of life. The beauty about relationships is that you experience the rollercoaster of emotions and grow tremendously from them - so that the next time you get into a relationship, you have a reference experience that you can look back on and prevent yourself from making the same mistakes.

On top of that, you'll naturally gravitate towards higher quality women that will make you appreciate your growth journey since the breakup and may even make you feel somewhat ridiculous for having dated that previous girl in the first place. You'll look back and laugh, still appreciating that girl but realizing you could never date her again. Funny how life works.

Post: #45

Understanding what she was not doing. She did not look at your messages and think "haha, I will make him feel bad by not replying anymore, he will feel so bad". Ghosting usually happens because the one who ghosts is not aware of the consequences, of the pain the other person may feel because of that behaviour.

Again, as hard as it is for the one who was ghosted: this world, this layer of awareness, does not exist, in that moment at least, at the person who ghosts. Now you can say "ok whatever, maybe she is not a buddha, but I still think she would have been a good fit". If so, you have to try to accept that she had a different opinion. However, you may also ask yourself, whether you really (not only for the sex) wanna be interested in a girl who practices ghosting. I can't understand how you can truly be interested in a girl who ghosts. Crazy. How can you be attracted to such a level of "unawareness"? And if you miss the potential great sex, I suggest having sex with 10 other girls, you know, the standard tip but still the best one