Post: #1

I'm weighing the pros and cons of a potential move in with my mother.

My mother ("Eunice") had a stroke a couple of months ago.

Eunice has a house and car. I'd rather not post exact numbers. For sake of discussion, House value is $50K, with $10K still owed on the home. Car's value is $10K, no lien, owned outright.

My older sister ("Carla"), and her boyfriend "Eddie", are both in their early 50's. I'm in my mid 40's.

Carla is Power Of Attorney (POA).

Sam (myself) has three kids, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie.

As it stands now, Eunice will need 24/7 care for the rest of her life.

An assisted living facility or an in home caregiver is not financially viable.

As I review my post, I'm going to pause here for a moment to state that I'm trying to look at the entire situation with a realistic mentality. The following may read a little cold and impersonal, but please understand that this isn't the case.

For the last couple of months, I've been at Eunice's during the day. My schedule allows me the flexibility to work from home most of the time. Eunice comes with me to pick up the kids.

Carla and I have been taking turns spending nights at Eunice's. A few times, our cousin Lilith has come over to spend time with Eunice, and has stayed overnight on multiple occasions. Lilith is also considerably younger than Carla or myself, and while her help is certainly appreciated (and Lilith has been compensated for her time), Eunice is also not Lilith's responsibility.

Eddie (Carla's boyfriend) is having a 'hard time with all this'. Eddie has only seen Eunice once since the stroke, and that was only because of the Thanksgiving holiday.
It seems his (Eddie's) mother went through the same thing. And while I'm sympathetic to that, we're also talking about a grown man in his 50's, that has known Eunice for at least five years. To be fair, I might hold a different opinion on Eddie and his hesitation to see Eunice if his history with her or Carla wasn't as long.

To clarify, Eddie has always been well received by Eunice, and has never been shunned or disrespected by extended family at any of the holiday gatherings. And on at least two occasions, Eunice has footed the bill for group vacations for all of us, including (but not limited to) airfare, hotel, and multiple day outings while on vacation (ex:theme parks), which Eddie has been a part of.

Carla is continually stating that she "needs to spend time with Eddie". Yet has no problem leaving myself and my kids with Eunice (not that I/we have any problem spending time with Eunice, but Carla's attitude toward needing to spend time with Eddie seems to supersede anything else, including Eddie coming over to Eunice's to spend time with Carla.

A couple weeks ago, Carla stated that Eddie gave her (Carla) an ultimatum... him or Eunice. I suggested to a teary eyed Eunice and crying Carla that she tell Eddie to go pound salt and call his bluff (Eddie moved in with Carla a couple of years ago. Carla was self-sustaining her mortgage, the move benefited Eddie financially).
Since then, apparently Eddie has recanted that statement, he had a 'rough week' and took it out on Carla.

Carla is a slob, doesn't clean up after herself, leaves dishes all over the place at Eunice's. And while Eunice is a bit of a pack rat, Carla's house looks like it could potentially be on an episode of Hoarders.

Carla has suggested that Eunice move in with me for at least a couple of months. During that time, we would sell Eunice's house, and then take the profits from that sale, and purchase a house that Eunice, Carla, and Eddie can move into.

My house isn't the ideal setup for Eunice and her condition. While it would work on a temporary basis, it wouldn't work long term.

Just taking everything that's transpired so far into consideration, my gut tells me that something (in our/Carla's control) will happen that changes this master plan (Carla, Eddie, and Eunice living together). Which will have Eunice with me indefinitely (again, not that taking care of Eunice is a problem, but the 'plan' will change once Eunice is out of her own house and into mine).

And Carla and I both hold the opinion that putting Eunice in a home would not be a positive move for her, both physically and mentally.

So I'm considering moving into Eunice's house.

Eunice's house is a two-bedroom ranch. Roughly 1700 sq ft. In theory, putting up a couple of walls in the basement would give Bart, Lisa, and Maggie not only their own rooms, but some of the remaining space can be used for their 'own' living room. The taxes would go up (based on myself and the kids living there). One possible solution/starting point (which was suggested by Eunice pre-stroke, when her husband/my father passed earlier this year) would be my picking up the difference in the taxes, and possibly 'kicking in' for half the mortgage (a reasonably low number).

I have equity in my house. I'll make money if/when I sell it, even if I sell it below market value. Conversely, Carla would lose money by selling her house.

Noteworthy: When I only hinted to Carla the potential logistics of my moving in with Eunice, I had to quickly talk her back down, reiterate that this was only an idea for the moment, and it requires a lot of consideration on my part as well as flexibility on her part (should I choose to do something with my kids, ex: a day/overnight trip).

If I go this route, I'd have my name put on the deed of Eunice's house.

Now for the grim part... in the event Eunice passes.

(Just to keep the math easy, let's say the home is paid off prior to Eunice's passing):

- I get "life use" (?) of the home or until I sell it. Then Carla and I split the profits.
- If Carla wants the car, she can have it, and it's value (at the time ?) is added into the price the house (eventually) sells for, and the car's value comes off of Carla's end. I realize the numbers won't be exact, but just to give an idea of my thinking:

- Carla keeps the car at $10K. Five years later, I sell the house for $50K. $10K+$50K=$60K. Sam keeps $30K, Carla keeps $20K (because she kept the car valued at $10K at the time).

Things that I currently see:

Pros:
- I'd profit from my own home sale
- I'll save money with a lower 'mortgage payment'
- Any of mom's assets won't be burned up by assisted living/home care
- Mom is 'home' (which we feel is better for her well being in the long term)

Cons:
- Mom will be here 24/7
- My personal time is already limited (based on my custody schedule), this would limit it more
- I see my living with Eunice as being 'convenient' for Carla. Knowing Carla, I would expect her already minimal amount of time spent with Eunice to dwindle even further. Something will always come up in regards to Carla (if that makes sense).
- To a certain degree, I still have the 'freedom' I had since my divorce, save for the evenings I spend at Eunice's. Closing a chick at my current place is still on the table, albeit limited. Moving in with Eunice would pretty much make closing at "my place" non-existent.

In the same token... doctors, nurses, friends, family, have continued to tell Carla and I that we "need to make sure you guys are taking care of yourselves".

So there's quite a bit to consider, both for myself and my kids. It's a significant decision to make.

So I'm asking for the forum's help.

Any experiences, input, advice, suggestions, anything I might be missing, any potential angle I may not be seeing, and anything I haven't considered would be greatly appreciated.

Post: #2

Here it is.

You gotta take care of your mom. No other way about it.

It's gonna suck, so make it good for you financially. If Carla isn't going to move in with her, she shouldn't get jack fucking shit when your mom passes.

Post: #3

There's absolutely nothing wrong with intergenerational living. As your mom continues her steps towards the end of life, it will be significantly easier for her to be surrounded not only by you, her son, but by her grandkids.

I would definitely consider renovating the basement for your kids. This will greatly expand the value of the home and give maggie, bart, and lisa their own space.

As the kids get older, it's important to teach them the importance of looking after grandma.

Here's the final question: are you comfortable taking care of your mom the same way you'd take care of a baby? This means sponge baths, diaper changes, and spoon feeding her.

If not, you might be able to have a nurse come in every now and then to perform the more tricky bedside tasks. I have friends that do this and live in with their grandma who is 95.

I would make sure you and carla are 100% on board with the financial arrangement and that the estate is cleanly organized in a last will and testament. Situations like this can devolve into a fight over a deceased's stuff.

Post: #4

(12-15-2017 02:11 PM)The Beast1 Wrote:  I would make sure you and carla are 100% on board with the financial arrangement and that the estate is cleanly organized in a last will and testament. Situations like this can devolve into a fight over a deceased's stuff.

This is the hardest part. With Carla's situation with Eddie, you can't just take Carla at her word. Her words will change as Eddie's do and as the numbers move around on various balance sheets.

Get everything locked up tight legally before the shit hits the fan, not when.

Post: #5

Mate, much love for putting your mum first, even though your sister looks like she isn't.

Your plan is a good one, and you may need to sit down with sis to point out that however does the lion's share of care should get the house as a reward.

Post: #6

(12-15-2017 02:00 PM)Steelex Wrote:  If Carla isn't going to move in with her, she shouldn't get jack fucking shit when your mom passes.

This definitely, in fact you can make it fair for Carla, add up what it costs for 24/7 care and just deduct that from her half of the house when it's sold. I can guarantee that will be pretty much $0 before long.

Post: #7

I appreciate all the responses so far.

I kind of had it out with Carla a couple hours ago.

Long story short, I commented that I've been doing a lot of the heavy lifting lately, and would prefer to have a day to spend with my kids and just my kids. Carla stated that while her and Eddie were going to dinner tonight, they had a few things to do tomorrow, at which point I mentioned that Eddie can come over and spend time with Eunice...

Carla: "Well, we've got stuff to do-"
Me: "Whatever.. whenever you get here."
Carla: "You know, I work all day."
Me: "Yeah, and I've been here every day since Mom came home."
Carla (hand up): "I'm not dealing with you right now."

Me: "I'd like to spend some time with my kids. Maybe (referring to Eddie) you can bring your kid over here tomorrow."

Carla lobbed a healthy handful of expletives in my direction and stormed out. The tone and veracity of her words led me to believe that the topic of Eddie not coming over has been on her mind, and I'd just put that topic on Front Street.

A short time later, she sent a text that she's making some phone calls to try and get some help (from extended family, I assume ?), and also mentioned that Lilith will be able to stay from Sunday until the middle of the week at the most.

I have no idea what her and Joe talked about after she left, but I also don't think that Carla "gets it".

My mother isn't anyone's responsibility but ours (myself and Carla's). If finding other family members to 'help out' is the direction Carla is choosing to take, it's become crystal clear to me after tonight that Carla has no intention of altering any of her habits other than what's minimally necessary to keep whatever illusion that she's "the good daughter".

Tomorrow, when my mother is more lucid and comprehending, I'll (try to) have a serious discussion regarding my moving into her home.

The trick is making it fair for Carla, and reasonable enough that she takes the deal.

One consideration would be like DJ Matt posted above. I'll figure out what 24/7 home care would cost, and go from there.

Any other input, advice, suggestions, or ideas are always appreciated.

Post: #8

Carla has power of attorney. Assume that all effort you put into this will be entirely charitable and that you will end up with no financial gain other than what you can extract in hand before death.

Quote:...it's become crystal clear to me after tonight that Carla has no intention of altering any of her habits other than what's minimally necessary to keep whatever illusion that she's "the good daughter".

Your duty still remains, and I understand that, but you need to put Carla in check. Is Eunice still able to transfer power of attorney to you? If so, make that happen immediately. Carla obviously has a list of priorities on which you and Eunice are very low. What I'm hearing is "she's holding out for her 10k car + 20k payout at best or at worst stringing you along before she takes everything, and she'll contribute minimally until then while dragging her feet the whole time and making a bad situation much worse."

If you're going to do this then get everything on paper, up to and including who will look after her on what days. Carla gets one week. You get the next. Whatever. But you can't keep chasing her to perform some vague idea of "her share" when we all know that a bitch's share is "fuck, stop bothering me plz". Cut it fifty/fifty, and for God's sake, don't move in. If you move in then as reliably as the sun rises in the morning, Carla is going to call in a make every excuse in the book for why she can't do her part, since you're already there and apparently her go-to for ending an unproductive conversation is "I'm not dealing with you right now."

You guys obviously can't afford to have her cared for by a professional so you're reduced to the unfortunate option of spending half your time being a carer and the other half being a task-master. Accept that fact and play out those roles or things will end up much worse than they otherwise might.

Post: #9

^ THIS MAN clearly has first-hand experience with this. He will be correct. Every time. Not just with your Eunice and Carla, but with all Eunices and Carlas.

Post: #10

You're doing the right thing, but Leonard has it. You need to get power of attorney transferred over to you.

If she's unwilling to do this expecting some sort of estate pay out, make it clear to her that if she doesn't have the energy or time to care for mum then going into an assisted living home will deplete the estate leaving everyone with nothing.

You shouldn't be moving into her home, taking care of her home and life, without power of attorney. It sounds like your sister just wants money which doesn't surprise me one bit. Get power of attorney, give her the car, and tell her to buzz off.

Post: #11

^The only reason I didn't suggest that is because it sounds like there's not enough cash to put her in care for her likely lifespan, and the cheaper nursing homes are hell. Believe me. Many of the clients would prefer to be taken outside and shot rather than endure the theft, beatings, cold showers etc.

Carla might be an annoying bitch but even whipping her to put in the time is better than allowing her to wash her hands while Malone might end up with no house, no car, and no money to keep his mother in care down the track, at which point Carla will say "you made the choice, it's all on you."

The numbers will quickly begin stacking in favour of whipping Carla to contribute. It might take a few hours of his life a week but it'll yield perhaps a week per fortnight in payout.

Post: #12

Hey Leonard...

Switching POA is a conversation I can have with Eunice in the next couple of days. The argument between Carla and I took place in front of Eunice (by Carla's choosing). Took me a few minutes to calm Eunice down and explain that she (Eunice) did nothing wrong. Eunice suggested that Eddie is 'having a hard time with this' (which word for word seems to be Carla's official response to the Eddie issue)...

"You know what, ma ? Eddie's been a part of Carla's and your life for the past five years. He's a big boy, he can suck it up and come and visit."

Eunice sort of nodded in agreement, I think tonight's outburst by Carla has put a new light on things.

All that said, knowing Eunice the way I do, switching POA (to me or anyone else) is a hard sell to her. Part of it will be (from Eunice's perspective) that it won't go over too well with Carla.

You read that right. Eunice wouldn't want to upset Carla.

She's always been tip toed around. Certain things we shouldn't say around Carla because it might upset her. She's considered morbidly obese (and refused the offer to have lap band surgery because she didn't like the idea (??)), she's never been married, no kids of her own. And just to give an example of the 'leeway' Carla has always gotten, she (Carla) for the longest time had never gone to a hospital or a funeral... because she doesn't like them. So when Carla eventually came to the hospital for both my/our father (when he was alive) and my mother a couple months ago, as well as attending my/our father's funeral, guess who was overly praised for "having the strength to come to the hospital/funeral" ?

(That wasn't my trying to bash Carla, but more to give the forum an idea of what I'm dealing with).

So another question, as cold and uncaring as this is going to sound...

If Eunice doesn't want to change POA to me, how do I insure that what Leonard has said above doesn't happen ?

Quote:Assume that all effort you put into this will be entirely charitable and that you will end up with no financial gain other than what you can extract in hand before death.

Post: #13

I agree with Steelex and Leonard. Massive respect for doing this for your mum. It was not long ago that a whole family from kids to grandparents lived under the same roof. My grandmother looked after her mother (my great gran) after a bad illness. My gran believes it gave such a boost to my great gran mentally that she defied the doctor's thoughts on her only living for less than a year. She went on to live for 10+ years till her 90's that allowed me to get to know her for a short time until she sadly passed when I was 7. It is sad that so many people leave their elderly parents in a care home without any sort of visit for months and perhaps years at a time. Generations living under the same roof is something that needs to come back into popularity.

Post: #14

I don't have any advice to offer but want to commend you on your clear thoughts and efforts. Most weaker people in the same situation (even with the best intentions) would let their frustrations with their deadbeat sister be used to make their mother suffer but you've obviously got the maturity to see it for what it is and not let that happen!

Post: #15

All this talk about heritage and money...this simply makes me sick to read. We are not talking about a Rockefeller type of heritage, a 50k house is just peanuts, it is an average american yearly salary, this money will be spent very easily with imagine an hipotetical bad bet in a business venture or similar, or worst in healthcare, since you or any of us is getting any younger.
So, from I understand, you have a sister, your sister is a spoiled and imature brat who does not give a damn about your mom and is only waiting for the day she dies to reclaim her paycheck.

So my advice is that you do not move in with your mother. This is all very easy to speak in a forum and from an outsider perspective, telling that you have to take care of her and move in, jeopardize the rest of your youth doing so, yes, because you are in your mid 40s, still full of strenght to make a life better for yourself and yours, and still with a lot to live to live, like seeing your kids growing up, or bangin some hot 20 year sold sluts, whatever, its your life your choice, but you are also not getting younger, and with nowadays healthcare your mom can live more 10, 20 or who knows maybe 30 years. Which adding to your age now, and you will be an old, sad and bitter man, probably fat, ugly and lonely when she finally dies for your relief....

Your mama is the person that loves you more in this earth of ours but you have to think also about YOU.

You have two good things on your side. You have kids who are your mamma grandkids, and you have a sister who also has her kids. So all of you need to sit down and make an action plan. There is a lot of people in the picture that can have a play. Your kids, your sister kids, you, your wife, your sister, her husband, and also outside agents like nurses etc...

I would say to put your kids in school next to grandma and they go have lunch with her every day, nurses coming in daily, you coming in also daily (even.if that implies you moving closer), your wife also helping you etc. You guys are a family, and if you all dont share the burden, at least in time, then your sister has to give a fair share of the money that will be spent with nurses.

If you move in to take care 100% of your mother...it will be also the end of your life.

Post: #16

Thanks for all the replies so far.

To Rocha, a couple of thing I want to clear up (and I type this with a "leave emotion at the door" perspective)...

- As far as heritage and/or money, the numbers I quoted in my original post aren't the real numbers. Significantly higher than the $50K/$10K example, but not in the $1M neighborhood. Not even in the same zip code.

- Yeah, sister is a spoiled brat. There was a situation last year (when my father was still alive). My mother (prior to the stroke) needed to travel out of state to visit her hospitalized sibling. My father at that time was not doing well, and my mother lamented about leaving him here while she went to visit her sibling. At the time, my sister and I both told her (Eunice) that we would take care of our father while she went out of state. So Eunice hopped on the next plane out.
My kids and I spent the entire week with my father, Carla was nowhere to be seen. Upon my mother's return, Carla was apologetic that she wasn't able to spend time with our father while Eunice was gone, her explanation being that she "had been busy all week".

Looking back now, that was the canary in the coal mine.

- As far as my sister Carla, she has NO kids, and is not married to Eddie. Which isn't to suggest that she spend MORE time at Eunice's because of that (versus my having my kids), the problem is that Carla isn't doing what would be considered her 'fair share'. Simply put, while she has greater flexibility, she's not holding up her end of taking care of our mother, her reason being that she "needs to spend time with Eddie".

Ok... what's wrong with Eddie coming over to Eunice's and spending time with you there ? Again, not that I'm suggesting that they spend greater than her 'fair share' of time, but the excuse that "Eddie can't handle Eunice in that condition" is getting old and tiring.

- My school age kids gotten to see my mother/their grandmother struggling with everything from incoherent babbling to emotional meltdowns to bathroom related accidents. But Eddie, who has seen this sort of thing before and by default should know what to expect, "can't handle it" ?

- At this point, I'm not quite sure if it's Eddie that's truly got an issue, or if it's Carla who's using the guise of Eddie not being able to handle this as an excuse to not carry her (Carla's) end of the responsibility. It's gotten to the point where I (and by default my kids) are being taken advantage of.

*As I sit here and type this, I can confidently go on record and say that for all of my cheating/conniving ex-wife's faults, while she might not be/have been at Eunice's all day/every day, she would have been spending a hell of a lot more time than Eddie has been.

So I figure one of two things... either Eddie's being a little bitch about coming to see Eunice (and on a side note, it wouldn't surprise me if he's stepping out on Carla)... or this is all Carla's doing, it gives her some sort of plausible deniability with Eunice as to why she (Carla) can't spend "as much time with (Eunice) as she'd like to".

Funny story... a couple of years ago, when my father was getting worse (and still had high spirits and his sense of humor), he, Eunice, Carla, and myself were joking around (but not really... but really... but not really), it was "agreed on" that in the event something happened to Eunice first, that I would be responsible for my father, and if something happened to my father first, that Carla would be responsible for Eunice if something happened to her.

(I should pause here and reiterate that we've always been a somewhat comedic family. I imagine that we're not unique in this, but while the next paragraph may come across as grim and uncaring, it wasn't the tone of the conversation, if that makes sense).

Carla's (playful) verbiage, in front of our parents, was something along the lines of, "If something happens to mom first, you get to move in and take care of dad. And if dad goes first, I'll move in with mom." To which I amusingly agreed. My mother laughed, my father threw a thumbs up, and that was the end of the 'joke'.

Now, I put 'joke' in parentheses because if this situation were the other way around, Carla would be holding my feet to the fire based on that conversation. She'd point out that on X day, at X time, I agreed to move in with our father and take care of him. But because the proverbial shoe is now on the other foot, the conversation above is "just a joke".

(I hope that made sense).

It's a double standard with Carla. It's always been that way.

The problem now is that Carla won't continue to do her fair share, equal part, or whatever else we want to call it.

And Carla doesn't understand 'reasonable', because Carla is only worried about Carla.

Post: #17

Perfect example of how women are almost always completely unable to logically think about any situation - it's all about how it makes them feel in that very moment, and of course there are no happy feelings whatsoever in this case. I'd generally agree with most of what everyone else said here, but let me throw one other hypothetical into the situation here.

What if you took advantage of those same feel-good-in-the-moment/incredibly selfish emotions and...what if you moved to a place that wasn't yours or your mothers?

What if you found a new place, using the sale of your own place + the estate of your mother, to get a better permanent spot for both your children and your mom? You might be able to get a significant upgrade with the cash and have a permanent place for the rest of your life, and your children down the road.

Here's the thing, back to emotions...it sounds like Carla just wants to somehow "end" this situation.

If you move in with your mom, the estate battle will take forever. But again, women live in the moment. If you tell Carla that you'll move your mother into a new place right away, and give her a percentage of the sale...all her concerns go away. Who knows, $10k to go shopping + the car might be enough to sway her in the moment and get her to sign on the dotted line.

Those same "in the moment" emotions might convince her to take the immediate payday. Obviously make sure you have this all in legalese writing.

Then you've washed your hands of your sister's poison, you've got a great situation in the future and a good one in the present, and you've got complete control of the situation - undoubtedly the most important thing of all.

May not be feasible at all depending on where you live and house prices, but it might also be worth a shot.

Some other things that stood out to me:

Quote:One possible solution/starting point (which was suggested by Eunice pre-stroke, when her husband/my father passed earlier this year) would be my picking up the difference in the taxes, and possibly 'kicking in' for half the mortgage (a reasonably low number).

Don't do this. Let Eunice pay all of it. Have it come out of her estate which will ultimately be less for Carla in the long term (while you yourself bank those payments)

Post: #18

I want to take a moment and acknowledge the forum.

I was very hesitant to post my situation here.

I typed up my original post, and tweaked it multiple times. While some of my posts address finances and end-of-life, as well as my general venting about my sibling, one of my biggest concerns prior to posting was that I might be be perceived as trolling (or worse).

After reading many of the responses, I'm comforted to know that I'm among like minded men who can look past any potential misinterpretation of my post(s), past any sort of perception of an ulterior motive, and see my story for exactly what it is.

I just want to say thank you to the forum for understanding where I'm coming from with my situation, also having the wisdom to realize that this isn't about anything other than what I feel is best for my mother, and not passing any sort of judgement on any possible misleading statements I've made in my posts.

I truly appreciate all the responses so far (both public and private), and look forward to reading more, and gaining more advice and suggestions.

Post: #19

(12-16-2017 02:28 PM)This Is Trouble Wrote:  What if you found a new place, using the sale of your own place + the estate of your mother, to get a better permanent spot for both your children and your mom? You might be able to get a significant upgrade with the cash and have a permanent place for the rest of your life, and your children down the road.

This was something that was considered from the offset, and I did another search this morning. Unfortunately it doesn't work for a number of reasons:

- I'd need a minimum of four bedrooms (between myself, mother, and my kids)
- Anything that's affordable is in the not-so-good parts of town
- Homes that I do find that meet the above criteria don't have a layout or floorplan conducive to my mother's needs.

*Conversely, if Carla and Eddie could find a new place with Eunice, their search results garner both considerably better neighborhoods as well as affordable living and conducive floorplans... and that's simply based on them only needing two bedrooms as opposed to my four.

In the same vein, Eunice's house is a two bedroom... in theory, Carla and Eddie moving in would be relatively simple. Clear out the second bedroom, move their shit in (well, maybe not as clean cut as I've suggested, but a lot easier than my building walls in the basement for the kid's rooms).

And all of that's also not figuring in amenities that Eunice's current house has, including (but not limited to) central air (which seems trivial on the surface, but is a big deal to Eunice and her comfort) and a standby generator (again, might be trivial to someone else, but it makes a difference in caring for Eunice).

The house that Eunice is in now "works". It's a ranch home, which means that Eunice isn't negotiating stairs to use the bathroom or lay down in bed. Central AC and backup generator aside, just the fact that the living space is all on one level has been huge when it's come to taking care of her.

All that said, I look at it like this... even if Carla has a sudden change of heart and turns around and says, "You know what ? Eddie and I are going to move into Mom's", or even, "We're going to get a house for Mom, Eddie, and I to live in", and even if they found a ranch home with the same amenities as Eunice's current home... I would still be with Eunice during the day, doing the same things with her there that I do with her at her home now. And I would also spend various overnights with Eunice. Regardless of Carla's current dodging of responsibilities, in all fairness it wouldn't be right that Carla and Eddie spend every night taking care of Eunice, either.

The short version is, right now I'm with Eunice during the day, and some nights. If Carla and Eddie either move in to Eunice's or buy a house for the three of them, I'll still be spending my days and some nights with Eunice.

So in the larger picture, it might make more sense that I move in with Eunice. The flip side to that is if (when ?) Carla's participation continues to dwindle, due to my living there and it being 'convenient' for her, what to do about that...

If I were to move in with Eunice, Carla was agreeable to cover (at a minimum) my non-kid days/evenings. Simply put, Carla would come over to the house, I'd drop my kids off to my ex-wife, and I'd then have "Sam Time" until I return (that night or the next morning). But that also doesn't account for any 'last minute outings'.

Since my divorce, my kids and I, especially during the summer, have always had the freedom to just pack up and go...
- "Hey, you wanna go see (new movie) ?" "Yes !" "Grab the snacks, we're leaving in ten minutes."
- "You guys wanna go to the waterpark ?" "Yeah" "Ok, grab your swimsuits and let's go"
- "(Relative) wants to know if we want to go sledding today." "Yup" "Get the sleds, we'll leave in a few minutes."

If I/we move in with Eunice, we lose that spontaneity. Any activities with the kids would either need to be pre-determined early on, and/or depend on Carla's immediate availability. "Carla, can you be here in ten minutes ? We're going to the movies.", isn't exactly fair to Carla, either (regardless of her current behavior).

Conversely, if Carla and Eddie move in with Eunice (same or different home), while I'd still have a reasonable amount of... freedom (?) in regards to my kids and spontaneity, I'd also want to spend one-on-one time with Eunice (freeing up Carla and Eddie to have their own time, which is fair in my mind). Whether the kids are in tow or not is dependent on the day/night.
But I also see Carla trying to manipulate that time and shirking her responsibilities. Almost on a 'guilt trip' sort of level... "Sam, Eddie and I are gonna go to ___ overnight... you don't have the kids tonight, right ?"

I guess what I'm getting at is this: I know myself, and I know that I won't screw Carla over. And while I'd like to think she wouldn't do the same to me, her behavior and participation as of late leads me to believe otherwise.

Post: #20

Credit to you mate, awful situation and sounds like everyone else is making it harder than it needs to be.

Agree entirely that you should be pushing for POA before going anywhere with the plan and that every single thing you do should be in written and signed contract forms. It is almost certainly worth seeing a lawyer.

You've got Eddie, who seems to be a leech attached to your sister who is negatively impact her when she's already bad enough on her own. Having him there as a +1 on everything will certainly work against you in every way, that's he a complete asshole and not willing to help out should show how completely self-centered he is as well. He's part 1 of why I'd at least talk to a lawyer because he's certainly weaseling his way in to whatever happens in the future and not only not willing to help but actually being proactively disruptive.

Carla seems like a piece of work as well, not what you want to hear about your sister, I'm sure, but something you need to be aware of. Someone who seems to be actively protecting her personal interests, not willing to help or contribute and who unfortunately controls all the legal power right now as well as having a terrible negative influence in her life is a really bad combo in a situation like this (I went through similar with my sister when my mother passed only luckily I had the legal control in that situation) and you really need to disarm her as much as possible and treat her like a child by giving her a schedule.

Think you need to work out if you think that Eddie and Eunice are even capable of providing the kind of care it sounds like is needed, from what I can tell you've got a pathetic man child who is leeching off your sister and a complete princess syndrome with your sister, they really don't seem to be doing the whole adult thing in this scenario, from what you've provided it just doesn't sound like them caring is a real option for any kind of long term solution which obviously leaves you providing it as the only option if professional care is not possible.

Again, this situation just sucks on every angle but it's in true adversity that you will see the true colours of the people around you and you need to make the decisions from that. I think the POA is the first obstacle though, legally you've basically got no control here until you sort that, even if it's making it shared POA with a neutral arbitrator.

Post: #21

Sam, can you talk to this Eddie yourself?

Leonard is right of course.

You have to get POA and you may have to be the bad guy for doing it.

Your mom may even resent you but this is what has to be done.

Also Rocha brings up some good points re you making the most out of your life.

Maybe you can just buy Carla off with the car. Fuck the car.

Carla doesn't want any responsibility while maintaining the image of "good daughter".

You can use that to get what you want.

Post: #22

Get everything in paper. Power of attorney and do all of that stuff while your mother is still alive.

If not, you'll take all the responsibilities and still Carla is going to end up with 50% of the stuff without having sacrificed anything on her part.

I'd get a lawyer. He could probably help you figure out the right way to do that.

Post: #23

Get POA before making any sort of move.

I've watched this situation play out before. In the end the sister lost her POA, and then her true colors showed. Right now you seem to be finding out what her true colors are, but it's better to do it now than later.

Depending on what state you live in, it might be possible for her to transfer assets to you anyway, and then be eligible for greater financial assistance from the state. If she has a medical event the bills could liquidate any equity she has, or potentially require her to get more skilled care than what you can afford. Either way you'll the finances gone over nothing.

You have kids to think about and ultimately ensuring their financial stability trumps you helping your mother. You cannot sell your house and move in unless you have POA to gaurantee security for the property your kids will be living on. This might sound harsh as well, but if your mom had the poor judgement to give her POA, and refuses to switch it, then you shouldn't offer her anything more than 3-4 days a week in help. It's not being petty demand a parent respect you.

On a side note, the economy of where you live sounds very sad.

Post: #24

One way to call out your sister and set things up for a POA changeover is to have a family meeting with her and mum and say "I will come on these days, and sister will come on these days"

Split it 50/50 so its fair and MAKE the sister do her share of the care, or admit that she can't/won't in front of mum.

Only two outcomes - either she steps up, or mum sees that she will not step up.

At the moment you are in that difficult position of doing the heavy lifting and having mum not appreciate it, and give your sister a free pass.

Post: #25

It sounds like you are in a situation where you can choose Eunice or Carla, but not both.

You are going to have to be a man and break some egg shells.

Either way, someone is going to go ballistic and berserk. Just make sure it's not you and remain the strong oak that shrugs off the female storm.