Post: #1

Dear all, I write this in light of recent frustration with my parents.

I'm in my early 20s and my parents are approaching their 60s soon; the age difference of 36 years between myself and them has always caused friction between our relationship. In addition to this, I have an overbearing mother and a weak father, causing me to further dislike them because of their constant petty arguments and passive aggressiveness.

I have been back in my home country for 2 months now, after being away for most of 2015, and will leave at the end of August, for 9 months, before returning, in 2017. The time away from my parents has made me realise how unhealthy my parent's general negativity is.

With regard to their transition to their 60s, I've caught myself thinking negatively of them, to the extent of despising them, because of their old age and the behaviour that follows.

Specific examples:-

1. Complaining about noise and their ears hurting

2. A general sense of misanthropy. Cussing someone out for not giving up their seat on the train for them etc.

3. Being particular about where to eat

4. Being increasingly grumpy

5. Being increasingly needy

6. Antiquated, archaic thinking

7. Failing to realise that I'm an adult and not a teenager

I understand the reality that they're approaching their old age and these behaviours are to be expected, in one way or another, but at the moment, I'm having a hard time controlling my temper and find myself increasingly annoyed.

How do[/align] I check myself whenever I catch myself thinking badly of them?

Any input would be greatly appreciated.

Post: #2

I don't blame you. This is way too early in life for you to be dealing with parents in their sixties.

Are you living with them?

If so, moving out will make all of this disappear except for when you know you have the patience.

Post: #3

It is tough, I can relate but I don't have an answer personally, I just try to limit the amount of time I talk/spend with them, at the least it makes the eventual phone call/visit abit better because there is some quality catching up to do.

I love them, they are my parents afterall, but my patience is tested frequently, especially with my father as he suffers from short term memory loss, he will forget conversations you have with him as they are going on which leads to things going in a complete circle very often. Still, I try and imagine our roles swapped and how I would like to be treated, I think the last thing you want in that situation is people treating you like a moron, so obviously just have to accept that I will be telling him how the weather is in poland 5 times in one phone call.

Post: #4

I can sympathize. Parents are just as flawed as the rest of us. My own parents were somewhat older when I was born, too.

My response is that unless they've done something you find unforgivable, they deserve your respect. This is different from being an obedient little puppy or waiting on them hand and foot. It's fair to be annoyed by their shit. But the best response to the stuff they do that you hate is striving to make yourself better.

My own father is in poor health due to a lifetime of his own bad choices. I get pretty angry over it; sometimes when I go home to visit him it feels like I'm watching the man who raised me sitting in his room, blankly staring at his TV, waiting to die. I handle it by using it as a motivation to get out of bed at 5:00 A.M. every day to meditate and lift weights. I absolutely won't let that be me.

Assuming they've been decent to you, try to grin and bear the bullshit and use it as a motivator for improving your own life. After seeing my own old man in a hospital bed, practically on death's door, I've had a hard time ragging on him for, say, insisting we only go this this one single restaurant in all of New York City, even as a joke. I wouldn't wish that experience on anyone. So just let the trivial shit pass you by.

Also, I would try and realize that they are most likely proud of you for what you've done -- if they are, of course; I was pretty lucky. Every time my mom or dad do something that makes me want to give them a smartass response, I think of how they sacrificed years of their lives to help me become the person who has achieved all that I have. They weren't the greatest parents, honestly, but they still put in some of the prime years of their lives for me. So giving them shit over something they say to me, a successful adult man, is not really a good way to repay them.

Post: #5

I saw from your profile that you are from China. Some observations from people in the USA who came from North East or South East Asia. These observations apply a lot less to people from Japan, Taiwan, Singapore, South Korea. But more to countries like mainland China, Vietnam, Thailand, etc.

Did your parents 'have a plan' on how they were going to retire? By plan, I mean arranging finances, arranging plans for retirement activities, plans to deal with eventual illnesses like Alzheimer's?

The plan I have seen often is that their kids will take care of everything. I have met more than a few 1st generation or immigrants who suddenly find themselves burdened by their parents. This often creates a lot of friction because it detracts from the 'kids' getting their own lives in order and started families of their own. The kids also get drained emotionally, which is the source of a lot of tension with their parents.

My own wife is in this category (she is from Thailand). Her dad retired from the Navy in his 50s with no plan and nothing more than a pension that has been eaten away by a high rate of inflation. His and his wife's life has been a toxic strew of money issues and boredom.

There is not much you can do about it, other than disowning your own parents (I am in no way recommending this). You can take your frustrations though and use them as the mental fuel to make a plan for yourself, so you don't repeat how your parents live.

This situation did motivate my wife to save and plan for the future. My own parents with my Dad taking the lead, planned out his sunset years very well. His 60s through early 80s were spent enjoying a very active retirement. His declining health and my mother's (Alzheimer's) has not been a burden on his children. My wife insists, and I agree, we will be like my parents and not hers.

Post: #6

Get you a fairly plain and young Hispanic wife to take care of them if they must have help. Earn the family money amd free up her schedule. Problem solved.

Post: #7

(07-31-2016 05:31 PM)debeguiled Wrote:  I don't blame you. This is way too early in life for you to be dealing with parents in their sixties.

Are you living with them?

If so, moving out will make all of this disappear except for when you know you have the patience.

Ill be out of here by the end of the month, but I feel my patience diminishing increasingly.

Post: #8

(07-31-2016 05:41 PM)NewMeta Wrote:  Still, I try and imagine our roles swapped and how I would like to be treated, I think the last thing you want in that situation is people treating you like a moron, so obviously just have to accept that I will be telling him how the weather is in poland 5 times in one phone call.

Excellent point.

(07-31-2016 06:48 PM)Frank Underwood Wrote:  I can sympathize. Parents are just as flawed as the rest of us. My own parents were somewhat older when I was born, too.

I handle it by using it as a motivation to get out of bed at 5:00 A.M. every day to meditate and lift weights. I absolutely won't let that be me.

Assuming they've been decent to you, try to grin and bear the bullshit and use it as a motivator for improving your own life. After seeing my own old man in a hospital bed, practically on death's door, I've had a hard time ragging on him for, say, insisting we only go this this one single restaurant in all of New York City, even as a joke. I wouldn't wish that experience on anyone. So just let the trivial shit pass you by.

I think of how they sacrificed years of their lives to help me become the person who has achieved all that I have. They weren't the greatest parents, honestly, but they still put in some of the prime years of their lives for me. So giving them shit over something they say to me, a successful adult man, is not really a good way to repay them.

Never really saw it that way, thanks for enlightening me.

(07-31-2016 07:18 PM)Hell_Is_Like_Newark Wrote:  I saw from your profile that you are from China. Some observations from people in the USA who came from North East or South East Asia. These observations apply a lot less to people from Japan, Taiwan, Singapore, South Korea. But more to countries like mainland China, Vietnam, Thailand, etc.

Did your parents 'have a plan' on how they were going to retire? By plan, I mean arranging finances, arranging plans for retirement activities, plans to deal with eventual illnesses like Alzheimer's?

The plan I have seen often is that their kids will take care of everything. I have met more than a few 1st generation or immigrants who suddenly find themselves burdened by their parents. This often creates a lot of friction because it detracts from the 'kids' getting their own lives in order and started families of their own. The kids also get drained emotionally, which is the source of a lot of tension with their parents.

My own wife is in this category (she is from Thailand). Her dad retired from the Navy in his 50s with no plan and nothing more than a pension that has been eaten away by a high rate of inflation. His and his wife's life has been a toxic strew of money issues and boredom.

There is not much you can do about it, other than disowning your own parents (I am in no way recommending this). You can take your frustrations though and use them as the mental fuel to make a plan for yourself, so you don't repeat how your parents live.

This situation did motivate my wife to save and plan for the future. My own parents with my Dad taking the lead, planned out his sunset years very well. His 60s through early 80s were spent enjoying a very active retirement. His declining health and my mother's (Alzheimer's) has not been a burden on his children. My wife insists, and I agree, we will be like my parents and not hers.

My parents have saved up enough money for their retirement. Its not so much finances that irk me, rather, it's the way they behave compounded by their old age. Nagging for example, is what irks me the most.

Post: #9

Thank you all for your responses. I feel much better right now, after you've shared your own experiences with me.

I suppose it is something everyone has to deal with at one point in their life. There is no other option, other than accepting it for what it is, and using it as motivation to better my life.

Post: #10

It's very common for adults of any age to have tension with their parents. The tension comes from a lot of factors, among them:

1. Parents' inability to accept their children as adults, and constant need to revert to old parenting mentality.
2. Son or daughter's inability to see their parents as regular people with faults and foibles.
3. Generational differences.
4. Cultural and priority differences.

It's just tough. The only way you can really manage it is to:

1. Try to be sympathetic to their point of view.
2. Do your own thing and live your own life, and stop looking to them for approval. You won't get it, generally.
3. Respect them as your parents, but don't expect them to be your friends or buddies.
4. Build your own life, with your own friends, career, girlfriend, etc.

Post: #11

Aggredor, I feel your pain brother.

I need to give you some background to understand where I am coming from. I have nothing to hide and I hope this helps a few other people as I have been through quite a bit of shit that has taught me a few lessons.

I am hitting mid-20s now and my father is 61 and mother is 66. I have a strong suspicion that my dad has Asperger’s due to his strange ways and my mom is riddled with Rheumatoid Arthritis. One is from a very rich family and the other from a very poor family. One is white, the other is not; they lived on opposing sides during apartheid in South Africa. When I was 5, they moved overseas as my dad has dual EU/RSA citizenship so no grandparents to take care of me in my absence. I pretty much took care of myself and this made me less reliant on my parents and I took pride but also despised them for this. As you may have guessed, I am the only child (important).

I had a very bad relationship with my parents growing up. I had fights and sent my dad to hospital once. Nearly jumped out of the car on the highway due to an argument we had. I left home at 19 to go to the army (compulsory and honestly, good for people). That ended up being worse than home but I learned my lessons. I got an honorable discharge to leave and go to university instead of wasting multiple years of my life doing mundane shit (occupied place but not in a state of war so just basic training, gun shooting and mainly babysitting the camp). That was the last time I lived at home and it made me grow as a man, going to the army and university on the other side of Europe.

This being said, it could always be worse. This is important, perspective. My girlfriend has a super dysfunctional family and due to this, she is very supportive of mine and makes an effort, I should probably do the same.

Tangents aside, I will break down what I did, what I am doing and what I will continue to do.

What I learned:

Leaving home is good for you but go and make a life elsewhere

See the world for yourself and understand that there are many things your parents have been sheltering you from. Some good, some bad. You will hate them or thank them but ultimately, the lesson remains; most parents are just winging it. This will put it into perspective for you, when you have children. You can’t plan for it, you just adapt around it and make shit happen. Some people have things work out for them, others don’t.

I upped and left Europe and moved back to South Africa, away from my parents. When they visit, I feel like they are being invasive. Nonetheless, people grow fonder of each other in their absence.
I am sure you have come to appreciate certain things in their absence. They are humans, they love you unconditionally and they have sacrificed a lot to get you to where you are. They live for your successes, to be able to impress their friends during their dinners, to be able to look back on how far you have come. I do shit for myself but I also aim to make my parents ever increasingly proud.


Accept them for who they are

They are who they are.
They grew up in different times, a different era and life was very different. Due to this, their understanding is less and less of what you experience and your lens on society. My mom was shitting in a hole in a mud hut 20m from her home. No electricity or water. My father lived in a 6 room mansion, went to the best boarding school in the country and fought in the war (he has some crazy stories). Their understanding of current life is way different but props to my parents, they are very open-minded.

Respect who they are as you would want to be respected

Regardless of what they say, they will respect you and it would take a very bitter individual to not respect their children, given you are not fucking up your life. Understand that they have your best interests in mind. One thing I learn as I get older, parents know better than what we usually do, when it comes to major decisions which are based on morality and ‘forks in the road’.


Understand what they are going through

You don’t need to agree; they aren’t seeking your approval anyways, due to the nature of your relationship. All they want is for you to understand. This is very easy to do.

- This is why they complain, they have too much free time and/or live in fear of not being able to adapt as fast as society is changing. We complain about the shit on this forum and we are sub-40 for the most part.

- This is why they are needy, because they want that validation and assurance that you will be there for at the end of the day, family > all.

- This is why they are particular, because they are entitled to be that way with their time. A lot of people at that age have made shitloads of sacrifices and are tired of doing so. They will hold their ground over the little things because to them, I don’t think they are as insignificant.

- This is why they bicker with each other, because with all their investment in each other, neither of them as won the power struggle to change each other. Ultimately this is what keeps them together, they are still challenging each other. This is what I noticed with divorced couples and couples that are still together. Some lose the motivation to challenge each other, others continue to do so.

The reason I write this long post is to help you understand because understanding is what I lacked. I wish my therapist told me this when I was 15 and being taken to anger management for being excessively violent as a kid and seeking out alternative channels (hooliganism) to exert these insecurities. I hope to help anyone else avoid this.

Step 1: Understand their perspective. Leave home, grow up (if you take this as condescending, you need to grow up), have experiences that will throw you outside of your comfort zone.

Step 2: Accept who they are and that they will not change. All you can do is accept. You can still change, they cannot. This comes through the form of respect.

Step 3: Control your anger for it is pointless, frame your relationship as positive and be calm. Put it into perspective. When we are in the army and there was the ‘idea of being invaded’, my trials and tribulations with my family seemed insignificant.

As a man, you have the ability to control such anger. We can only get angry at things we see in ourselves. When my dad used to piss me off it was because I would see myself being able to do things like that. The more I vowed to not be like him, the more it happened. I think this is probably where ‘pushing buttons’ comes from.

Step 4: Devote yourself to your own cause. I have been building my own life, my own skills and generally have for a long time. You enter this world alone and you leave this world alone. You will earn the respect of your parents and they will stop nagging you when they start to see you as a man, not a child. Your anger is one of a child, not an adult and it creates this beckoning cycle. Your father will respect you and even though your mom will always treat you like a child, she will also respect you (women ping through their alpha male’s reality).

Step 5: Recognize that their time on this planet is limited. Take care of them if you can. Set them up for happiness, health and financial security. They trust me to make certain decisions on their behalf and I told them, they are not mine to make. I simply encourage them. My parents now live a happy, blessed life with friends that love them and a logistically perfect life. My mother has taken up other hobbies and my dad has gone on the be one of the de-facto authorities in his obscure hobby (Aspergers people seem to be like this).

Step 6: Do all the above and love unconditionally. The harshest thing after burying your child is one that does not love you in return despite your efforts to do otherwise. This comes from accepting old age and life. We will also be that way. We can only learn from those older than us in such scenarios.

80% of my life revolves around me. The rest is my family and 2 other individuals who I consider family.

I work hard to give back and sustain them financially and for their health. I will go to church with them, even though I don’t follow religion, just to show face. I call them once a week to let them vent to me for this is who they are.

We live in a society where people spend more time on facebook stalking hoes than actually phoning their parents and connecting with the people you are the closest to, literally and figuratively.

Women, jobs and mates come and go but family is forever. They will get sick and need you to take care of them. The same way that when we have children, they are there to take care of them while we hustle.

It could be a cultural thing, being Mediterranean but I am proud of it.

The more you respect and love them, the more freedom they will give you.

They only start interfering when you start to distance yourself from them as it becomes a power struggle.

Finally, there is a book that I would have liked to have read earlier, to help understand difficult interactions you may have; It’s called Games People Play by Eric Berne. It has a few examples which were relevant in the 1960s but certain things ring true. How people fall in to three ego states of Parent, Child and Adult. It covers Transactional Analysis.

I wish you all the best man.

Post: #12

^^^^^

Great comment by Noir

Post: #13

I'm in a similar situation to the OP, perhaps a few steps further down the line. My dad is 63 and mom is 61. It truly is a strange realm to navigate when your parents dropped the ball during your youth, were terrible role models, and never gave you a happy home environment. But, simultaneously, they unconditionally love you and support you 100%. It's easy to say fuck em and cut the cord for all the bad memories. Thanks for sharing a different perspective.

Post: #14

^^^^ What Noir said

Post: #15

OP, although I understand your frustration with your parents, I think you may be too harsh of them. I have been in your situation (my Mom had me when she was 30, for example).


First of all, as many of previous posters, you need(!) to understand that both your parents grew up in some different era, whose values are totally different than those in the current times. As people get older, it is much harder for them to get used to the current reality. They tend to mentally live in the past, and they will berate you if you do not adopt their norms.


Second thing, 99,9% of the people are "attention whores". Girls want to draw attention by posting semi nude pictures on FaceCrap, and parents want attention from their family by nagging them to death.


Your parents are that 99.9%.


And finally, your parents want to make sure that you are secure. It can get annoying sometimes, yes, but there is nothing you can do about that. For example, in my case, I had to call my parents every week, because I served in one of the most dangerous areas of the planet (Gaza), where being shot by a sniper, or blown to bits by a RPG or IED is not uncommon (even during peacetime). God forbid if I didn't...that is all I can say .


The only thing you can do is to do what Noir said, to be honest.


And yes, for the record, I am in my mid twenties.

Post: #16

What do you guys think of actually trying to make your parents proud? Finding that small percentage where you both agree and shooting for that as a filter?

I've been rebellious 90% of the time but the times I begrudgingly do what they want the harmony it creates is priceless. Might try it out as an experiment for a bit.

I'm not in a position to be able to cut them off because they help A LOT.

Post: #17

Have kids -- or get your siblings to.

My folks mellowed out once my brother got married and had a kid.

ymmv

Post: #18

(02-27-2019 04:46 PM)Sombro Wrote:  Have kids -- or get your siblings to.

My folks mellowed out once my brother got married and had a kid.

ymmv

then you get a whole new set of problems

Post: #19

I've got older parents too. My Dad is turning 71 this year and my Mom is turning 68 this year. I'm mid-twenties.

I've generally always had a good relationship with them, but for a while in highschool and the beginning of college, I thought pretty little of them at times. I don't want to air dirty laundry that I may or may not remember correctly at this point, but I'll say that I thought my Dad was too stubborn, couldn't admit when he was wrong, and unreasonably thought negative of my full-sister as a manipulative, scheming woman, who was always after something. He helped her very little in contrast to my half-sister who was at times a drug addict, stripper, prostitute, homeless, with two children out of wedlock, etc who he has supported on and off over the last two decades. I thought my Mom was a weak, cowardly, slovenly woman who always had something for me to do at home when I was only home on weekends (boarding school) or holidays (military school/college). I've got a vivid memory where she bought me a console for Christmas along with a few games, two days before Christmas asking me what I wanted over the phone. Then Christmas evening she asked me when I was going to pay her back for it. For a while in highschool, she still refused to knock before entering my room for a long time.

I had a mentor in college who insisted I appreciate my parents more because while he didn't have a good relationship with his parents, he missed them terribly and wished he made sure they knew he loved them. I had taken his call in the middle of a movie with my parents (at home) but took his advice to heart. Went to my Mom right after and said, "Mom, do you love me?"

"Of course I do," she replied and I said, "I love you too Mom." I went to my Dad after, who (in hindsight) looked visibly annoyed with me, "Dad, do you love me?" He looked at me and furrowed his brow, "Is it not obvious? The roof over your head? The food on your plate? What I buy for you?"

I answered back, "I guess I just hadn't heard it in a while."

"You used to."

That happened 6 years ago. Since then, I learned several things about my parents that drastically changed my opinions of them.

1) My Father bought beachfront property in the 80s but the housing market bust in the 90s and he had to sell it for a tremendous loss. He (and thus my family) was now 6 figures in debt. Retirement checks from the Navy and his current job barely put a dent in that loss. But I had no idea. My siblings had no idea. He chose for him and my Mother to suffer loss of the things they enjoyed so that my siblings and I could have regular birthdays and holidays, gambling on his ability to get a job that would pay enough to fix the debt and more.

2) My Mom was my Dad's second wife and he was her second husband. He had two kids from prior marriage - my brother (15 years older than me) and my sister (9 years older than me). She had no kids. My Mom used to write my brother birthday cards and buy gifts and sign his Mother's name so that he felt like his Mom loved him. To this day, I believe he still doesn't know this.

3) At one point in time, trying to rehab my half-sister who had lived in custody with his first wife, my Dad had the girl stay in the family home and even got her a slot in the nearby highschool. She had gotten herself kicked out of highschool, did drugs in or around the house, gotten my sister to start smoking cigarettes, and as my Mom found out because she tapped the phones, planned to get me, a two-year old at the time, high on weed. Upon hearing that, my own Mother went to my Dad and told him that either he'd kick my half-sister out or my Mom was taking the kids and leaving. Luckily, my Dad made the right choice and they're both happily married today.

and a bonus one

4) My Mom had a stroke, living overseas, a month before I graduated and commissioned. She couldn't make graduation. When I visited her in the hospital a few weeks beforehand, she looked half-dead and like someone else. Couldn't tell if she even recognized me and I had to walk out of the room about 5 seconds after walking in. With the exception of a week he took for work in the US and to see me for my birthday, he saw her everyday in the hospital. Once in the morning before work and once in the evening after work. He watched her and took notes and studied up on the subject enough he could argue with the doctors who were treating her in their language. He saved her life several times when nurses were about to give her too big a dose of blood thinner (a too high dose of which we believe led to the stroke). He made her food to eat so that she wasn't just eating crap hospital food. Got her back to the home country for better medical care. Is her care taker on the weekends when he's not working. Because of him, she can speak and understand full sentences, can walk unassisted for about 10 meters, about a quarter mile with a walker, has slimmed all the way down, has a full head of hair again, and more. All when the doctors said she'd die on the hospital bed nearly 5 years ago.

The only reason I was a nervous wreck, sitting against a wall with a bottle in hand is because I started to appreciate my parents even more after that phone call from my mentor. And I made sure they knew I loved and appreciated them. I realized that, despite the unpleasant things I learned about them, they were never perfect, but flawed like everyone else. But they loved me and did the best they could. Which is all I could ever ask for.

Ever since my Mom had her stroke, my Dad started to nag occasionally. Like when I went out after dinner, the night before graduation, he was insistent I have only one or two drinks, because I had gotten in big trouble for drinking before. He'll over-explain something as he's giving me advice, unprompted. And now I don't mind. I know he does it just because he cares.
_______________________________
TL: DR - try to see the good in your parents, realize they're only human, like you, and appreciate them as much as you can, OP. They won't be here forever.

G

Post: #20

I have little to add, but great thread.

Hitting your 60s is horrible. Everything you worked so hard to preserve goes to shit and there is NOTHING you can do to stop it. When you're young, you work hard and it pays off. When you're old, you work hard, harder, harder, and get nothing. That's when you realize you no longer matter, your life is draining out of you like water out of a broken cup. And worst of all, you can't stop it. that's why old people are grumpy...because they are terrified.

Post: #21

(02-27-2019 08:48 PM)MrLemon Wrote:  I have little to add, but great thread.

Hitting your 60s is horrible. Everything you worked so hard to preserve goes to shit and there is NOTHING you can do to stop it. When you're young, you work hard and it pays off. When you're old, you work hard, harder, harder, and get nothing. That's when you realize you no longer matter, your life is draining out of you like water out of a broken cup. And worst of all, you can't stop it. that's why old people are grumpy...because they are terrified.

I imagine having younger kids defrays this a little bit.

G

Post: #22

My parents had me when they were 20.

I moved out of their home when I was 18 and they were 38.

I am 39 now with a 4yo son.

I will be an old parent. This fact fills me with regret and shame, as I would not trade my son for anything, but he will one day be thinking the same things as those on this thread.

Post: #23

I dont see how a young man can start a family these days. It seems practical to wait until you have some financial nest egg otherwise youre placing extreme hardship on yourself. Maybe having a kid later keeps you young in some ways.

Its disingenuous to compare to your grandparents, who in 1958 at 20 years old could get a job that would support a family. The way companies lay off workers in 2019, youre putting yourself in a very tough situation.

Post: #24

My parents had me when they were young, OP yours when they were older, you describe troubles and I can describe just as many. I moved out of home when I was 18 and my father never spoke to me until I was about 25.

I notice alot of people when they hit there 60s and have been slaving away their whole life, act a bit over it all understandably, but then they realize they still have many years to live and get on with it again.

Also late 50s is not old OP. Live your own life now and let them live there's, but see them as often as you can and be respectful always.

I have been setting my self up to have children maybe in my late 40s. I wish I could have done it younger but looking back it would have ended in divorce. Im not cut out for marrying and having kids with a western women and have not found a hidden gem in the west recently. I did when I was in my early 20s but was to young and clueless to realize it.

Post: #25

(02-28-2019 12:50 AM)Laner Wrote:  My parents had me when they were 20.

I moved out of their home when I was 18 and they were 38.

I am 39 now with a 4yo son.

I will be an old parent. This fact fills me with regret and shame, as I would not trade my son for anything, but he will one day be thinking the same things as those on this thread.

I’m not sure that’s accurate. You have the opportunity to shape your relationship with your child how ever you want it. I’m also an old parent but there is no need for it to go down as op mentions his experience