Post: #1

edited due to privacy concerns

Post: #2

Sorry to hear about your situation.

How long has this been going on for?

I would suggest to not throw medication at the problem, but rather, talk through it (debrief). If you have close friends or family, reach out to them. If not, it might be an idea to seek professional help, where medication isn't part of the solution.

And have you been candid with your feelings to the family member with the terminal illness? You may feel that you are burdening them, but I think you'll find that on the whole, most people who face a life threatening illness will have only a tight-knit group that rally around them, and other non-important people in their lives falling by the way side. Be part of the tight-knit group I say - show your support, it can be cathartic and not to mention energising for the person who is suffering.

By the way, medication will only serve to mask the emotional issues, which will simmer underneath until the veil is eventually lifted. It takes strength and courage to deal with it head on, but it is the only proper way.

There is nothing weak about admitting that you are struggling either, you're only human.

Post: #3

edited due to privacy concerns

Post: #4

Hate to say it, but if you don't deal with this in an honourable way (physically see them, show your support), notwithstanding your own personal issues, you're going to regret it for the rest of your life.

Post: #5

Don't block it out, mate.

This is part of the burden of being a man. This is why we're emotionally-stronger than women. We're needed when the shit goes down.

The instinct is there to just want to make the pain go away or ignore the situation entirely but you need to experience the pain to learn to cope with it, and to healthily-process the death. It will hurt, but you are a man, and you are stronger than hurt. Stare down the hurt. You can choose to not let it break you.

You've correctly-identified the cause of your dread. As is often the case with depression, it's the feeling of having no control over the situation. Of course you can't control it - it's death - it's as natural a part of life as birth. Accept that it's pointless to think about trying to control it, and that it's no failing of yours to be unable to 'save' your loved one. It's. not. your. fault.

Take a few steps backwards, and realise the smaller, achievable tasks that can make this transitionary period easier for the family. These are things you can control. Embrace them. It might be as simple as organising doctors, washing sheets or cooking meals. Just spending some time with the dying talking with them helps - they need someone to listen. You have an opportunity now to experience a clarity of purpose in a way that truly matters, something few of us get to experience in modern life. Everything you do can truly count.

The coming ending is as natural a part of life as birth, and need not be feared. The more time you spend observing the process, the less frightening it becomes. I've been there at the moment of passing for multiple loved ones, and, every time, it was an honour. My sister and I even cleaned and prepared my mother after her passing - an utterly humbling experienced that bound the pair of us closer.

This will hurt, but hurt passes. The mental resilience you will build from this experience will deepen your masculinity in ways you won't yet understand, but women always sense. Look death in the eye, learn not to fear it, learn to accept that it will one day come for you, and you will possess gravitas, my friend.

Medication is not the answer, bar some kind of complete breakdown of function or a desire to self-harm. If you're struggling, I'd chose to talk to a trained grief counsellor, as they can help you understand what you are feeling is entirely-normal, and something everyone goes through.

As a strange bonus, you will soon discover who your true friends are.

Hold fast, CJ.

Quote: its funny, because it's not ME burdening them, its the other way around, and yes it may seem cold but Fuck, I JUST got my life back together after making a stupid business mistake that I have been paying for for 2 years already. Just the thought of having to go back home right NOW of all times is really really hard.

Welcome to Stage 2. What you're feeling is natural.

Post: #6

(10-09-2015 05:28 AM)AnonymousBosch Wrote:  Don't block it out, mate.

This is part of the burden of being a man. This is why we're emotionally-stronger than women. We're needed when the shit goes down.

The instinct is there to just want to make the pain go away or ignore the situation entirely but you need to experience the pain to learn to cope with it, and to healthily-process the death. It will hurt, but you are a man, and you are stronger than hurt. Stare down the hurt. You can choose to not let it break you.

You've correctly-identified the cause of your dread. As is often the case with depression, it's the feeling of having no control over the situation. Of course you can't control it - it's death - it's as natural a part of life as birth. Accept that it's pointless to think about trying to control it, and that it's no failing of yours to be unable to 'save' your loved one. It's. not. your. fault.

Take a few steps backwards, and realise the smaller, achievable tasks that can make this transitionary period easier for the family. These are things you can control. Embrace them. It might be as simple as organising doctors, washing sheets or cooking meals. Just spending some time with the dying talking with them helps - they need someone to listen. You have an opportunity now to experience a clarity of purpose in a way that truly matters, something few of us get to experience in modern life. Everything you do can truly count.

The coming ending is as natural a part of life as birth, and need not be feared. The more time you spend observing the process, the less frightening it becomes. I've been there at the moment of passing for multiple loved ones, and, every time, it was an honour. My sister and I even cleaned and prepared my mother after her passing - an utterly humbling experienced that bound the pair of us closer.

This will hurt, but hurt passes. The mental resilience you will build from this experience will deepen your masculinity in ways you won't yet understand, but women always sense. Look death in the eye, learn not to fear it, learn to accept that it will one day come for you, and you will possess gravitas, my friend.

Medication is not the answer, bar some kind of complete breakdown of function or a desire to self-harm. If you're struggling, I'd chose to talk to a trained grief counsellor, as they can help you understand what you are feeling is entirely-normal, and something everyone goes through.

As a strange bonus, you will soon discover who your true friends are.

Hold fast, CJ.

Quote: its funny, because it's not ME burdening them, its the other way around, and yes it may seem cold but Fuck, I JUST got my life back together after making a stupid business mistake that I have been paying for for 2 years already. Just the thought of having to go back home right NOW of all times is really really hard.

Welcome to Stage 2. What you're feeling is natural.

This is good, I had things to say to this but, I can't find the words.

Thanks.

Post: #7

(10-09-2015 05:32 AM)CJ_W Wrote:  This is good, I had things to say to this but, I can't find the words.

Thanks.

No need.

Peace will come in time. The mental resilience I forged in blood and fire by facing death head on so many times means I no longer experience the five stages when a loved one dies: there is simply the stoic acceptance that we were sharing a journey for a while, but they're arrived at their destination, and I'm honoured that, for a while, I had such damn pleasant company.

It doesn't mean I don't feel sadness, but it's both a rich and sweet sadness, one that my shoulders are broad enough to bear without stumbling.

Feminists would call this emotional strength 'toxic masculinity' and say that not breaking down into hysteria means you're 'repressing' unhealthy emotions that will eventually explode in an uncontrolled burst. This is the legacy of sub-100 IQ ex-hippie women entering the psychology field in the 70's and filtering everything through their vaginas, thinking you need to 'talk' about everything. Internal stillness is not repression: it's a healthy acceptance of the reality of what you can and can't control. Once you understand that about Death - the big one - most other random obstacles that comes your way in life are much easier to navigate. I only get phased when shit is really, really disturbing now.

For now, though, talk to professional help if you need it. There's no shame in it.

Post: #8

Sounds like a mix of anxiety and depression. This is a common problem, maybe more common than you think.

There are many ways that you can limit or combat this type of thing.

1. Keep up an exercise routine every day or every other day, so that your body has a way to cope with the stress.

2. Keep a good diet.

3. Read stories or books about men who have gone through great hardships and survived. This for me is very helpful. To know that others endured what you might be going through is key.

4. Stop trying to control everything. Realize that you are in the hands of Fate, that you do everything you can, and then it is up to higher forces.

5. Undertake some sort of specific ritual every day that serves as a meditative purpose. It will help your mind to occupy itself on other things than worry:

Spin tops (I am not kidding. Just finished a biography of Jack London, and he used to play with tops of all sizes to reduce his stress and anxiety).

Work on crossword puzzles.

Write

Build models

Collect stamps

Nearly any ritualized activity will do. The brain needs a way of unclenching its "fist" on the object of worry, and focusing it on something else.

Post: #9

Try St Johns Wort, apparently works well for this type of thing

Post: #10

I'm with AnonymousBosch on this one.

If you haven't done so, I'd recommend reading books on stoic philosophy. Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius, or Seneca.

I've dived deep into these books in times of distress and their teachings have helped me greatly. I really try to live my life by these principles.

Life and death are just the same expression of the infinite change that occurs constantly in the universe. Just as we are born and energy was given to us to create life, so it will happen that we will pass on this energy in death...and in reality there's nothing to fear and beyond our control.

You must face these situations head on, and would not recommend numbing with any type of substance.

Hang in there man.

Post: #11

Post: #12

You are slowly coming to be reminded of your own mortality, the primordial fear.

If I were you, I wouldn't fight it. You know what it is. Maybe there is a reason you are experiencing it in the way that you are. I believe there can be a realization behind this, if you decide to look further into it.

Post: #13

(10-09-2015 06:19 PM)Neo Wrote:  Life and death are just the same expression of the infinite change that occurs constantly in the universe. Just as we are born and energy was given to us to create life, so it will happen that we will pass on this energy in death...and in reality <strong>there's nothing to fear and beyond our control</strong>.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8dlkC_zBSPc

Since, energy is never destroyed, it is just as likely that your consciousness will continue on without your body.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?se...rsion=NKJV

"And as it is appointed for men to die once, but after this the judgment"

Everyone should fear death, because of the judgement that will follow, but blessed are those die with the hope of eternal life in Christ.