XXL 
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Relationship with ACoA Dilemma
Have you ever been in long term relationship with a ACoA [Adult Child of Alcoholic]
Long story short. the girl I'm dating revealed that she was diagnosed with this. Good news is that things are more clear now and even though a lot of her behaviors/reactions are still weird to me at least it makes sense to me why she does what she does. But is it really an excuse to let a lot of things slide? Bad news is that it's quite a tough love and while never ending ups and downs keep me "busy" with her and engaged it's starting to get tiring. Makes me wonder about any potential future with a woman like that.
Here's the thing. The girl is actually cool. Young (22). Beautiful from head to toes. Really down to earth. Very feminine. Raised in a old school way. Has "conservative" value system about dating / relationships / family. Always looks great. Takes care of herself well. Dresses very classy. Acts like a well mannered lady so it's pleasure to go out with her. Likes to cook. Great in bed, very sexy and wild. Has "no matter what" attitude, can deal with anything to get shit done if she wants. Very resourceful and streetwise so to speak, can handle people and tough random everyday situations. Loyal, she could go through fire and water to be together. Very "ride or die chick". I find it very very attractive. OK awesome. But..
At the same time, as weird as it might sound, she has a lot of mental issues due to her upbringing/past so there are lots of things in every day life [even small ones] that often cause unnecessary problems and misunderstandings. She's aware that she tends to self-sabotage her life and relations with others but that understanding alone does not eliminate the problem at all. She's trying to do something about it but it requires a lot of support and care from me to work on it.
So what's the big deal about her? Here it is. Let's check:
Fear of intimacy? Yes, she didn't want me at first and did a lot to make it clear. But her "soft core" won eventually. She told me lately that deep inside she actually craved to be with me despite saying otherwise.
Approval seeking due to lack of self-esteem? Absolutely. Very often asks "is it good or bad?" when I tell her something about herself, someone or something as if she needs to put it in a good/bad box in her mind.
Unaware of what normal behavior is? I don't know, my impression was that she seemed kind of surprised when I expressed my desire and care like it was something pleasantly new to her.
Depression? Yes, "logging off" from time to time, mood swings, major hopelessness at times.
Problems at school (attendance, grades)? Yes she hated it.
Feeling different from other people? I noticed. Common phrase is "you just don't get it".
Tendency to be afraid of authority figures? Not really afraid, more like challenging them [including me ; )].
Addicted to excitement? Yes, she likes doing risky stuff, yolo tendencies
Living in reaction rather than acting from desires? Fuck yeah, very indecisive and lost, needing to be lead [but still hates to be told what to do].
Sensitive / craving to be taken seriously? Oh yeah, quite uptight about herself, I was told I was mean countless times when we met.
Soft core, steel wrapper? Yes. She can be put on such a show that I anyone could believe that she's the strongest woman on earth. On the inside however things are crumbling hard.
Abandonment issues? Scared of being left behind or ignored. Even basic distraction from what she's saying, not listening to her can piss her off.
Black and white thinking? I don't know if it's ACoA trait exclusively but it feels like to her everything is either good or bad. Someone is cool or stupid. Very rarely there is something in between. Responds best to direct/upfront type of communication [she's Russian by the way].
Victim mentality? Yes, tends to interpret bad things that happen as someone's bad intentions and other's fault as if the whole world is bad and wants to get her and she's defending herself.
Self sabotaging tendencies? Unfortunately. This is fucked cause for some reason she can't live in peace and harmony [to a bigger degree than regular women], and creates drama almost as if she couldn't handle happy times for too long.
Does anyone have first hand experience with such women?
Is there a chance for future together or am I on my way to hell by being together with such person?
Attention: I'm not asking those who want to chime in to preach about how every relationship is destined to fail and that no woman is worthy of loyalty and that I'm stupid blah blah blah...
(This post was last modified: 02-02-2016 06:53 PM by XXL.)
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| 02-02-2016 05:59 PM |
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kaotic
Innovative Casanova
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RE: Relationship with ACoA Dilemma
I can't answer your first question XXL, I've never been with a woman who was diagnosed with this.
I think you'd be on a pathway of destruction thinking about LTR'ing her.
She might be cool, she might be feminine, but that's a LONG laundry list of red flags my friend.
I think deep down you know that your gut feeling is right about this girl.
Which is why you were specific of the red flags and negatives, you just wanted to confirm with us, what you thought about her.
You mention her positive potential to her being a mother/wife - apply the negatives you listed to her role as a mother and/or wife.
Doesn't sound good does it ?
Self sabotage, DEPRESSION, and abandonment issues are just a few of the major highlights I could see in an LTR, marriage, or child bearing.
I think you know what to do, it's time to cut her loose.
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(This post was last modified: 02-02-2016 06:23 PM by kaotic.)
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| 02-02-2016 06:23 PM |
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XXL
True Player
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RE: Relationship with ACoA Dilemma
(02-02-2016 06:23 PM)kaotic Wrote: I think you'd be on a pathway of destruction thinking about LTR'ing her.
She might be cool, she might be feminine, but that's a LONG laundry list of red flags my friend.
I think deep down you know that your gut feeling is right about this girl.
Which is why you were specific of the red flags and negatives, you just wanted to confirm with us, what you thought about her.
You mention her positive potential to her being a mother/wife - apply the negatives you listed to her role as a mother and/or wife.
Doesn't sound good does it ?
Self sabotage, DEPRESSION, and abandonment issues are just a few of the major highlights I could see in an LTR, marriage, or child bearing.
I think you know what to do, it's time to cut her loose.
My radar or gut is off because I have no experience with that kind of people and don't know what to expect. I can only predict what's coming based on what already happened and recognizing certain patters.
Those red flags are not my ideas. I compared typical traits of ACoA to her behavior and I see lots of direct similarities. Basically she's a wounded soul with victim identity.
(02-02-2016 06:59 PM)Ensam Wrote: Is there any evidence that she:
1) Sees that there are some serious flaws with her personality?
2) Is taking positive steps to address those flaws?
[edit: just read the part where she's apparently aware - what kind of help is she getting?]
1) Yes, she's well aware of them and admits it openly
2) Yes, I see she's working on herself and takes certain steps to change the way she responds to things
Besides some kind of therapy I help her with it.
(02-02-2016 07:07 PM)Days of Broken Arrows Wrote: This sounds almost exactly like a woman I dated when I was 23 and she was 22. Met her in college.
Waaaaay to difficult to deal with. Beautiful woman, but too much for me to handle.
In retrospect, I think she was just a drama queen and had it not been for her dad being a drunk she'd have been going on about something else. But I could be wrong.
Good luck with this. I'll never forget the night she called me in tears because her younger brother got his first DUI arrest. It was like some kind of Bizarro World rite of passion for her dysfunctional family.
You might want to head over to Rollo Tomassi's blog to see if he has some writings dealing with this. It sounds like an area he might have covered.
As for me, I would strongly recommend you NOT play any Tom Waits music around this girl. Odds are she won't see the humor in songs like "The Piano Has Been Drinking."
Yeah difficult for sure but once you can deal with that kind of a woman then you can deal with them all. My frame has never been more bulletproof than now. I wear mental kevlar. No girl can mess up with me.
(02-02-2016 07:19 PM)LongDongSilver Wrote: Does she have mild fetal alcohol syndrome or just a dysfunctional upbringing?
Dysfunctional upbringing. She's gone through every shit there is possible except going to jail.
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| 02-03-2016 10:12 AM |
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Smooth Operator 
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| 02-03-2016 11:12 AM |
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