Post: #1

I turned 22 not too long ago and I can't take my angst for my parents seriously anymore. My upbringing was tainted with abuse at school & illness My parents only offered monentary support, video games as a kid and medical expenses as a teen. Their failure to protect me as a child and offer emotional support is the root of our unaddressed issues and my bitterness. My direct motivations are my father's hostility toward my leaving college(I'm publicly active in non-PC politics and thus unemployable, I've kept this from my parents) and the need to coordinate a trip to NYC to see a vision specialist(We struggle to coordinate groceries.)

My goal is to reinvent my family as a team with solid communication & a singular objective for the future. Id not have my father complaining about being left out of discussions nor us to continue subtly manipulating each other for our own agendas. I've observed all three of us feel the tension at home as all of us rely on constant distraction when home and the place gets messier by the year. Our home is not a 'home base.' I seek to start a company and become active in politics, my parents would have me avoid rocking any boats and just get by until I can cash in their inheritance decades down the line(They actively trade stocks aND have stated this to be their purpose.)

I intend to lead the change and am here asking for advice from anyone whose done anything similar. I'm partially working off the book Radical Honesty and mostly working off past experience & what I've picked up from forums like this one.

My current plan is to speak with each parent about the need for a family meeting, outline my objective, and relate to the stagnation we are all allowing in our lives and home. This is so everyone has time to think about what to discuss in said meeting, personally I intend to outline my politics, buisness objectives, and clear the air about what happened in the past from each of our perspectives. We need to make our home a place to recharge rather than a stressful environment.

I'll take whatever advice I can get. I plan on recording these discussions to help others in similar situations as I did when I dropped out of college.

Post: #2

It's a laudable goal and I applaud your vision and plan.

Here's a potential flaw: your parents see you as their child, not as their equal, and this dynamic has been reinforced for 22 years. For you to interact in they way you envision, as peers, they need to see you as an equal. They will do that when they realize you're an adult. What accomplishments have you made that will shift their perception of you?

I suggest asking them "what if anything would you want to do that is different from how things are now?" and really listen. What makes them happy or sad? Can you do/not do that? From your first few sentences, they don't sound particularly motivated to get as good an outcome as you are. What incentive do they have to change the status quo? Negotiate the change, e.g. you agree to go back to college part time in exchange for them letting you live your own life and getting rid of some of those constant distractions you mention. Also, start with some smaller goal easier to negotiate. It will be difficult to achieve everything quickly.

If you can't take the angst, and they don't change, just move out.

Post: #3

Just leave. You won't change them, they're old and set in their ways and see you as a subordinate. You'll just be wasting your time.

Post: #4

If I ever move to another country and have kids there, I might not even tell my parents their grandkids exist. seriously.

Those who come from abusive parents are always told this bullshit from other self-righteous people about how they need to spend all this time with their parents and shit. Some parents don't deserve that.

You need to leave to some place far away and limit contact with them. Many will wag their finger at you and act like they know better, but if you feel something is wrong with them you're the one who decides.
People tell you to put up with your parents' bullshit because they themselves don't have to deal with it.

It's like priests who tell you to get married when they themselves don't want to put up with a woman all the time. They're telling you to do something they themselves won't do. Maybe your parents really aren't worth maintaining a relationship with.

People who come from good upbringings think this sounds harsh, but they don't know how bad it can be in a dysfunctional 'family'.

It was always a challenge dating cause Id be with girls from high quality families, and they just couldn't comprehend or picture why I didn't really care about my parents. Their narrow world view can't imagine anything different from what they grew up with.

Post: #5

(01-14-2016 11:50 PM)Disco_Volante Wrote:  Those who come from abusive parents are always told this bullshit from other self-righteous people about how they need to spend all this time with their parents and shit. Some parents don't deserve that.

I think he said the abuse was at school and the parents were inattentive/unsupportive. Not ideal, but not as bad as abusive.

I don't think this situation warrants cutting them off. He can still improve things, but I tend to agree with others here saying to just move out. Keep the occasional contact, and when they realize he's really gone they'll come around and be nicer.

Post: #6

I won't say moving is impossible but I don't see it as a wise decision. Financially it's best for me to stay, college or working on my own buisness it's the only option. My eyesight makes driving risky, limiting my independence. I'd be working any deadend job I could find to get by which doesn't move me any closer to my goals.

My parents are stagnating and stressed, slowly retreating into themselves. They fell apart when I got ill and it looked like I wouldn't make it. They went along with my childhood abuse as they were told I was mentally retarded and wouldn't make it out of school. Passed high school with honors, there is no doubt they know they were tricked. All signs point to their being wracked with guilt. They're unhappy and don't want for anything but to keep expenses down so I have an inheritance. I don't see where it would help me to give up on them even if my plan all along was to abandon them asap. Right now I see them as victimized and hurt as I was a few weeks back. Before anything happened they were obsessed about doing everything right, when I was really young. They read all the parenting books a 90s couple could find.

I'm not sure they know how to see me, they don't ask anything of me and were set to fund my college & a car. I became ill senior year of high school which stalled all of that. Deep down, I can't say why I started to care. It's more than improving my living situation. I half feel that if I can put this in order I'll be better prepared when the day comes I have my own family. And half that I relate to who my dad was long ago, the contrast between 'the only sibling to escape the family farm' and the friendless couch potato gets to me.

Post: #7

I used to hold resentment towards my parents but after being incarcerated, iv heroin addiction, dealing with a fucked up injury and them having my back when not many people did I really realized the importance of family bonds and the depth of their love for me.

My father was 48 when I was born and I'm 27 now so he's getting up in years, I would hate for him to pass with unresolved bullshit and tension. So even though my parents were semi dysfunctional and a pain in the ass I made a concious decision to quit being a pussy and forget the past.


It sounds like you're making the right move, just remember life is short and they most likely did the best that they could, which is really saying something.

I don't know if I fathered a bastard spawn at 48 with a hippie cunt if I would have the fortitude to raise a spoiled little shithead. So yea maybe he beat my ass a few times and was distant but fuck it he put a roof over my head.