Post: #1

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/08/1...mcclaskey/



I want to verbally lash her with the f-word.

As soon as I hear her say, “I remember what it was like to date. I am so happy with my husband,” I want to beat her like Rocky in the title fight with the Russian.

You know what, go fuck yourself! Fuck your happy fucking relationship where you can hang your hat and reflect back on your dating life as a pastime. Further, take your happy fucking relationship out of my fucking face.

I have been told, “You are so strong.”

To which I reply, “That is my only option.”

I could march around like every other single thirty-something woman and attempt to live on the campaign, I am just investing in me and focusing on my work right now. But I know that is bullshit. If you so much as offer to carry my groceries for me let alone fuck me until I see god, I’m going to want to shack up with you.

I have focused on me to the point I have astigmatism. I have taken all the steps to become an interesting person. I can even amuse myself with irony. The pure reality of it is that sometimes I am more interested in the life I could be living than the one I currently exist in.

Nestle up to the fire kids, because I am about to outline Why It Sucks To Be Single.

1. Dating: I hate dating. I hate the farm to factory way we date in the 21st century. If someone told me that the rest of my dating life would look like never leaving puberty, I would have started a heavy drug habit long ago.

Instead of passing notes, I get a two sentence text-message arranging a time and place to meet up. I’m not sure if I am going on a date or figuring out where to bury the body.

We have already started out on the wrong foot. Fuck it, you are sitting down and I am dragging my feet. The whole arrangement stinks of licentious ambitions soaked in as much effort as it takes to make yourself cereal for breakfast.

And the stupidest part is, I agree to it and then post my stupid agreements to Facebook.

2. Facebook: You are a mother fucker. In fact I’m sure there is a fan page for “mother-fuckers” and I have yet to “like” it.

Thanks to you I found and reunited with my first love who is now my latest ex-lover. Thanks to you I can post my pathetic musings at one a.m. and hope that the person I am interested in will read them and somehow want to marry me after he decodes my carefully crafted tag-lines that are also linked with pictures of cats doing stupid things. You have now mainstreamed stalking and turned my friends into reconnaissance warriors scouting pages for the post that says, “I want her back.” I would have never known my ex was in a new relationship if it weren’t for status updates. You have taken passive-aggressive to a whole new level. So, thanks for that Facebook.

3. Grocery shopping/weekly chores: “Hum, what shall I eat tonight?” I’ll take a double of mac and cheese with a side of table for one. Would I like help carrying these upstairs? “It’s cool I got it.” In fact, I will cook, clean, do laundry, balance my check book and rub my own feet. Fucking fantastic!

4. Other happy couples: It is unfair that the representation of my crushed dream gets to walk down the street holding hands on their way home to have the eight hours of amazing sex that I am about to download off a free porn site and then turn off five minutes into watching it because I feel like an alcoholic drinking alone in the dark cold void of solitude. Fuckers!

5. Masturbation: I am a pro at getting myself off and knowing what gadgets to use. But, I just spent the day running my own business, cleaning my house, getting my car repaired, creating a sustainable business plan, doing yoga and eating right, and now I have to give myself a hand job? Suffice to say, I am overworked and it is turning into a chronic condition.

6. Activities: Besides shitting, I pretty much prefer an activity partner. It’s a Friday night and the pubs are full. Let me just belly up to this bar by myself and talk to my whiskey. Um, no thank you. In this case, having someone to do fun things with is like adding ice cream to pie; it just makes it better.

7. Creepy men: When you are with a good guy who will watch your six, you have a built-in labia blocker. No creepy guy is getting past your man-shield. “Thanks for taking the creep bullet babe, now let’s go home and have sex!” If you don’t have this, then you can always travel in packs of girlfriends, but someone is going to be taken out by the ever-heard-of-double-penetration-call-me guy.

8. My parents: When you’re single, this is standard parental conversation.“How are you honey? Who are you dating?” “Shit ma, I just came over to borrow some Tupperware, and yes I will bring it back!”

9. Religion: “Hold up. You are telling me that I can’t have sex until I marry someone?” That is like telling an innocent man he has to do hard time in order to get laid. I’m not bending down to pick up the soap. I prefer body wash and I want someone else to be rubbing it on me while telling me how sexy I am. I’ve yet to read a verse in the Bible talking about that.

10. Divorce: Some people my age have been married twice already! It’s like they are fishing in a hatchery and I have been ice fishing all these years. That being said, being single after being married is a whole other article.

I’ve got my bridle and saddle ready boys. Just let me know which one of you lucky fellers is going to let me ride you into the sunset. Yee-haw bitches!

But for real, for a good time call….

Author’s note: Life is a parody of itself unless the decision is made to make it serious. Say what you will, and so will I. Thank you for reading.

~

Editors: Lori Lothian and Anne Clendening

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Post: #2

On her website:

King James Version (KJV)
20 For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

Post: #3

Post: #4

That girl isn't nearly attractive enough to be sitting on that bar like that.

I'm going to write to my congressman and senator.

Post: #5

Summing up: too uninvested in dating; too addicted to computer drama; too lazy to cook properly; too resentful of other's happiness; too interested in using masturbation as an easy salve for unhappiness; too boring to entertain herself; too arrogant to listen to the wisdom of elders; too offended by the idea of self-control and moderation; too dominated by the life trajectory of her stupid friends.

No wonder she's single. Well, other than the fact she's a fucking creepy looking girl with horrible legs.

Post: #6

Foulmouthed, sarcastic, whiny, narcissistic, lazy, crude and complaining- I can't believe a good man hasn't snatched her up yet

Post: #7

(09-18-2013 02:59 PM)renotime Wrote:  That girl isn't nearly attractive enough to be sitting on that bar like that.

I'm going to write to my congressman and senator.

can you just get her fired via twitter?

Post: #8

(09-18-2013 01:57 PM)calihunter Wrote:  

....single thirty-something woman....

Haha! She lost at dating!

Post: #9

Biggest kicker is she has a master's in counseling. Hahaha... Cunt should practice what she tells other people...

Post: #10

Still would pump and dump after a few beers though

And I'm sure I wouldn't be the first.... or the thirtieth....

Post: #11

Quote:Activities: Besides shitting, I pretty much prefer an activity partner.

Jesus Christ is this what passes for humor from American women these days?

Post: #12

(09-18-2013 03:53 PM)Agent 47 Wrote:  Biggest kicker is she has a master's in counseling. Hahaha... Cunt should practice what she tells other people...

Women's inability to tell people what they need to hear rather than what they want to hear has fatally-damaged the field of psychology.

Post: #13

(09-18-2013 04:08 PM)MrXY Wrote:  Still would pump and dump after a few beers though

And I'm sure I wouldn't be the first.... or the thirtieth....

Agreed. She's probably a freak in the sack.

I say that with all due respect.

Post: #14

The typical litany of self-delusional narcissism which passes for snarky "humor". At a time in her life when she should be lowering her outrageously unrealistic expectations, she instead is doubling-down on the arrogance and bitterness.

Post: #15

(09-18-2013 05:29 PM)aphelion Wrote:  

(09-18-2013 04:08 PM)MrXY Wrote:  Still would pump and dump after a few beers though

And I'm sure I wouldn't be the first.... or the thirtieth....

Agreed. She's probably a freak in the sack.

I say that with all due respect.

Obvious you guys didn't read the article:

Quote:I could march around like every other single thirty-something woman and attempt to live on the campaign, I am just investing in me and focusing on my work right now. But I know that is bullshit. If you so much as offer to carry my groceries for me let alone fuck me until I see god, I’m going to want to shack up with you.

Quote:I’ve got my bridle and saddle ready boys. Just let me know which one of you lucky fellers is going to let me ride you into the sunset. Yee-haw bitches!

But for real, for a good time call….

Post: #16

(09-18-2013 07:23 PM)Quintus Curtius Wrote:  The typical litany of self-delusional narcissism which passes for snarky "humor". At a time in her life when she should be lowering her outrageously unrealistic expectations, she instead is doubling-down on the arrogance and bitterness.

No man can ever provide an Educated Media Major with a greater love than she already has for own intelligence and wit.

Their snark is so damn generic it's factory-produced.

Post: #17

(09-18-2013 08:12 PM)Aliblahba Wrote:  

(09-18-2013 05:29 PM)aphelion Wrote:  

(09-18-2013 04:08 PM)MrXY Wrote:  Still would pump and dump after a few beers though

And I'm sure I wouldn't be the first.... or the thirtieth....

Agreed. She's probably a freak in the sack.

I say that with all due respect.

Obvious you guys didn't read the article:

Quote:I could march around like every other single thirty-something woman and attempt to live on the campaign, I am just investing in me and focusing on my work right now. But I know that is bullshit. If you so much as offer to carry my groceries for me let alone fuck me until I see god, I’m going to want to shack up with you.

Quote:I’ve got my bridle and saddle ready boys. Just let me know which one of you lucky fellers is going to let me ride you into the sunset. Yee-haw bitches!

But for real, for a good time call….

Guilty.

Post: #18

WB

Post: #19

Would definitely bang. But that's not saying much.

Post: #20

(09-18-2013 01:57 PM)calihunter Wrote:  I’ve got my bridle and saddle ready boys. Just let me know which one of you lucky fellers is going to let me ride you into the sunset. Yee-haw bitches!

But for real, for a good time call….

Post: #21

Great points made here already before me, just wanted to add she is so unfeminine. Which is what women like this need to hear. The reason you can't find a man is because you are not feminine. As already pointed out she is negative, lazy, etc.

But there is nothing feminine about her. She is dressed like a 19 year old in her picture. Wear some adult shoes, not clown shoes. Wear some stockings, you are too old and not in shape enough for bare legs. She admits she doesn't cook and sounds like she doesn't take care of herself. And the joke about "shitting" is about a big of a turn off as it gets.

Post: #22

Quick work of advice, put the words of the article in quotes - otherwise it looks like you wrote that bullshit!

Post: #23

(09-19-2013 02:52 AM)It_is_my_time Wrote:  Great points made here already before me, just wanted to add she is so unfeminine. Which is what women like this need to hear. The reason you can't find a man is because you are not feminine. As already pointed out she is negative, lazy, etc.

But there is nothing feminine about her. She is dressed like a 19 year old in her picture. Wear some adult shoes, not clown shoes. Wear some stockings, you are too old and not in shape enough for bare legs. She admits she doesn't cook and sounds like she doesn't take care of herself. And the joke about "shitting" is about a big of a turn off as it gets.

Agreed. My spider sense tells me that she would have a terrible vagina, either badly shaved or hairy, off in colour or smell, like an arbys roast beef sandwich or all of the above. Thats just the way it is with girls who are lazy, negative and vulgar.

Post: #24

(09-19-2013 09:44 PM)wiscanada Wrote:  Agreed. My spider sense tells me that she would have a terrible vagina, either badly shaved or hairy, off in colour or smell, like an arbys roast beef sandwich or all of the above. Thats just the way it is with girls who are lazy, negative and vulgar.

If you're skilled at Day Game, be prepared to hear "I wasn't expecting to have sex!" a lot from the 6 & 7's, particularly in the colder months. This either means hairy legs or a bush like Chewbacca. They just can't be bothered making the effort. I've never seen this lapse with a girl i'd rate higher - they know their sexual value.

I sometimes wonder if Greater Effort in Grooming could bump a six up a peg or two.

Post: #25

(09-20-2013 05:02 AM)AnonymousBosch Wrote:  

(09-19-2013 09:44 PM)wiscanada Wrote:  Agreed. My spider sense tells me that she would have a terrible vagina, either badly shaved or hairy, off in colour or smell, like an arbys roast beef sandwich or all of the above. Thats just the way it is with girls who are lazy, negative and vulgar.

If you're skilled at Day Game, be prepared to hear "I wasn't expecting to have sex!" a lot from the 6 & 7's, particularly in the colder months. This either means hairy legs or a bush like Chewbacca. They just can't be bothered making the effort. I've never seen this lapse with a girl i'd rate higher - they know their sexual value.

I sometimes wonder if Greater Effort in Grooming could bump a six up a peg or two.

I definitely think so. So many American women don't even try these days. If women actually tried, but then behaved like children and were terrible people, then I would be frustrated a lot.

Instead many just behave like children and are pretty much terrible/selfish people, but they don't even try so they don't look good.

Flip flops, sweat pants, jeans in inappropriate situations, old women without stockings, even young women in the office without stockings, open toed shoes, slobby clothes that hang off them. Simple things that would take all of 5 minutes max to go from a 5 to a 6 or 7 and very few of them do it.