Post: #1

How is your relationship with your dad? My dad has never been close with me but bought me my first car, put a roof over everyone's head, gave advice when I asked for it but only when I asked. He never did things like play sports with me or talk to me about girls but gave me my first sip of beer when I was maybe 9 or 10 and would let me sit on his lap and drive on the highway. I don't remember us ever really having a one on one talk about anything growing up. He was an alcoholic for most of my life and I think I was always mad at him for not acting like I wanted him to and only "talking" to me through my mom.

We didn't talk for a few years until a family member called me one night and said we need to start commuicating. He made me call him and tell him how I feel so I just said we should talking more like a normal dad and son. Every once in a while he'll call me or I'll call him but I still can't get the balls to ask him why he's never tried to be close or talk to me about anything. I think it's because his dad was like that with all of his kids but he should of learned from that. I actually have a lot of shit to get off my chest with him but I don't know. One day I'll try to.

Post: #2

Alcoholic, barely know him.

Post: #3

The only way to understand your dad - is to understand the relationship he had with his dad.

Post: #4

We're not very close, as in talking about too intimate stuff, but we share some activities and have a good relationship. I certainly can't complain, and I don't think he can either.

Post: #5

He was a pretty serious alcoholic for probably twenty years, but he got arrested for drunk driving and quit cold turkey; the difference is amazing. I would say our relationship is getting better but could still use some work.

Post: #6

(05-31-2013 01:05 AM)cardguy Wrote:  The only way to understand your dad - is to understand the relationship he had with his dad.

Doesn't always work like that.

I have a poor relationship with my dad but I learnt from that how to have an awesome relationship with my child. My father had a poor role model in his father but if you have enough introspection and social intelligence you should be able to correct mistakes made by past generations. In the way that kids of drug addicts often don't follow that path but instead it drives them on to not repeat the mistakes.

Post: #7

I'm kind of in the same boat that you are houston, my dad has put a roof over my head, has spoiled me (my older sisters didn't get that treatment since my family was poor when they came to America), my dad and I both love soccer but it's still kind of iffy as in I don't exactly watch it with him, etc.

My dad has like 8 siblings and he's the 3rd oldest, he was I guess you could say 'the rebel' of his family. Maybe his dad and him weren't that close as well for that reason therefore he isn't as close as he should be with me?

I've never been close with my dad, I'm way more closer with my mom.

Post: #8

My dad gave me more than a sip of beer. He used to polish off a 24 pack with his buddy over in the guy's garage. I would play outside in the dirt. By the time my dad and his buddy'd had half a dozen I would get tired of playing in the dirt so I'd join them. They let me drink beer with them. I was 5 years old drinking beer. Luckily for me he kept his blow to himself.

Post: #9

Pops and I are more like close friends than father and son. I don't ask him for anything nor does he of me. It has been like that for many, many years now. It's not a bad relationship, it's just different.

Post: #10

My father is, and continues to be a high functioning alcoholic - the type that is highly social and doesn't really know the meaning of "work/life balance". Working 6 or 6.5 days a week is common for him, and he's continued this into his mid 60's!

My parents divorced when I was 11 (24 years ago) due to his alcoholism and physical abuse towards my mother (that I never witnessed thankfully). I've never had a close relationship with him, never really had any meaningful conversations with him, always just trivial/banal crap.

He's the type of guy that is well respected amongst his friends, and certainly has some good traits when you overlook his poor fathering skills. He's active with the local Rotary club (and in some ways a bit of a status whore), and is definitely a good provider - I guess that's what he thinks is the best way to convey his love for family?

I had a hard time growing up because I always had this guilt hanging over my head, that I'd turn out like him - a wife beating alcoholic (which was constantly suggested by my older sisters). I've come to accept over time that things aren't always "black and white", and that part of his behaviour was the product of his relationship with my mother. That's definitely no excuse for continued abuse in a relationship, but he'll always be the way he is, nothing can change him.

I just wish sometimes that I had a father that I could have a meaningful relationship with, that took an active interest in my life, not someone who is rigid (value wise) and devoid of emotion in a father/son sense.

Post: #11

My dad's always been good to me and my sister, thankfully.

Him and my mum split up when I was about 4 and we used to go and see him for the weekend at the end of every month up until I was about 11. My mum's husband at the time was causing a massive grief over my dad, even threatened him in front of me and my sister, and it was making life at home hard. I made the hardest phone call I've ever had to make at 11 years old and told him we couldn't see him any more. Fucking horrible.

Didn't see him for five years and I held a bit of resentment over him cheating on my mum to end their marriage, but when we started seeing him again it was fine. I see him maybe every few months now, it was a lot more a few years ago and we'd go to the football and whatnot together but he lives in Liverpool, me in London. He's looking to move down here though for work some time this year so I may see him more.

Post: #12

Barely a relationship to speak of. No birthday presents / attempts to make contact or have a conversation / no pride in my achievements etc.

I used to be upset about it and angry with him for not trying, but it could be as much my fault as it is his. Although thinking about it, I wasn't exactly the worst teenager to have around.

I'm not particularly fond of him as a person, but I'd still be upset if anything were to happen to him.

I never knew my paternal grandfather but I'm guessing it was a similar situation as he's never spoken about him to me.

I have other role models and men I respect but they're rarely a substitute.

Post: #13

Awesome guy, strict on us as kids, which didn't make sense growing up but i can see the value of the lessons now that I'm an adult. We didn't get along so well when i was younger but now that I've got kids we have more to relate to and he doesn't have to be an authority figure any more. As a high school graduate with no further education that quit drinking in his 20's he's gone on to be self taught auto restorer, rennovation contractor and retired with an investment portfolio that he built and managed on his own. He's a real inspiration.

We stayed with my Dad after he and my Mom split up and it was man house. Dad restored motorcycles in the kitchen, the babysitter moved in once we all left home and our home lives were a rotation of which brothers got to stay home and play video games while the others went to help work on cars in the garage or home repairs.

Post: #14

What does it feel like to have a dad that you never saw?

Post: #15

(05-31-2013 10:07 AM)cardguy Wrote:  What does it feel like to have a dad that you never saw?

my dad grew up parent less, he seemed more broken up about his lack of mom, but that could be because she was an alcoholic and he got to have closure with his dad idk

Post: #16

It's good but he and I suffer from the same character flaw.

Although we enjoy each other's company, we are not needy at all and we are content in our surroundings.

He lives in a place that is in my view uninhabitable and is happy as fuck.

So I'll offer to fly him and my mom out (even though I don't really care for her) to visit. Pay for hotel. The hotel thing.

He is happy living in a cramped house and to just sit outside with his dogs, playing his guitar, and watching the squirrels. (He has a squirrel feeder.)

When we are together, we have a great time and have really interesting conversations.

But I have no desire to go to where he is, and he has no desire to come to me.

Neither of us are emotionally needy, so we don't talk on the phone much either.

So a lot of my friends think I'm estranged from my dad when the truth is he and I are crazy about each other.

We're just crazy in our own ways and are able to be very happy apart and we don't get butt hurt when neither of us calls for months at a time.

Post: #17

(05-31-2013 12:19 AM)houston Wrote:  I actually have a lot of shit to get off my chest with him but I don't know. One day I'll try to.

Don't wait.

Seriously.

He'll be dead or senile before you know it. Or he'll get into a car wreck.

"I never told my dad what I wanted to" = a major regret. If he dies before you get a chance to talk, that will not only haunt you for years, but it will also negatively affect your other relationships.

Post: #18

(05-31-2013 05:56 AM)Windom Earle Wrote:  My father is, and continues to be a high functioning alcoholic - the type that is highly social and doesn't really know the meaning of "work/life balance". Working 6 or 6.5 days a week is common for him, and he's continued this into his mid 60's!

My parents divorced when I was 11 (24 years ago) due to his alcoholism and physical abuse towards my mother (that I never witnessed thankfully). I've never had a close relationship with him, never really had any meaningful conversations with him, always just trivial/banal crap.

He's the type of guy that is well respected amongst his friends, and certainly has some good traits when you overlook his poor fathering skills. He's active with the local Rotary club (and in some ways a bit of a status whore), and is definitely a good provider - I guess that's what he thinks is the best way to convey his love for family?

I had a hard time growing up because I always had this guilt hanging over my head, that I'd turn out like him - a wife beating alcoholic (which was constantly suggested by my older sisters). I've come to accept over time that things aren't always "black and white", and that part of his behaviour was the product of his relationship with my mother. That's definitely no excuse for continued abuse in a relationship, but he'll always be the way he is, nothing can change him.

I just wish sometimes that I had a father that I could have a meaningful relationship with, that took an active interest in my life, not someone who is rigid (value wise) and devoid of emotion in a father/son sense.

exactly same stuff but instead my mother was telling me that Im like my father.... and Im much younger then you.

Post: #19

I was very close to my dad. He was a real man, a great father and he taught me a lot. Unfortunately he died 3 years ago when I was 14.
I still wish I could talk to him, I think he'd be very proud of what I have achieved in my life so far

Post: #20

My dad is my best friend, greatest mentor, and my favorite drinking buddy. I wouldn't be the man I was today without him in my life. I'm lucky in that he is both alive and well, and as I approach thirty lives only about 10-15 minutes away.

Post: #21

Meh.

See him about once a year or so. Parents split before I came around. Good guy and all and I like visiting when I can but never anything in the way of mentorship, advice, etc.

Post: #22

My father was always overweight when I was younger (obese). He drank constantly and has turned into an alcoholic over time. He has almost zero social skills which made it very hard to live with and go out with. And most recently he is restructuring his finances...

Any of you who have a semi normal relationship with your dad, treasure it.

Post: #23

(05-31-2013 01:22 PM)Pacesetter20 Wrote:  Meh.

See him about once a year or so. Parents split before I came around. Good guy and all and I like visiting when I can but never anything in the way of mentorship, advice, etc.

Same here. He has another family, is a good guy and I like him, but I have no memories of us playing sports, having meaningful conversations, of him giving me life advice, etc. In a way, its kinda sad, but it could be worse.

Post: #24

Am I the only one here with a good father? Professional, supportive, hard working, loved by everybody. Worked a lot during my youth, but still made it to soccer games, etc. Granted we had our squabbles between 14-22 as I was testing boundaries and growing, but now that I'm settled we get along great. The dude loves my mother and loves being a dad. He is always bragging about my bro and I. Glad I had him as a role model.

Post: #25

My parents are divorced, but very amicably. Both are remarried and get along with each other and each other's new spouses etc. Very 'progressive' I suppose, which knowing my views on progressivism makes me laugh. I love both my parents, though would argue I am closer to my Mum. However, after reading the 'Losing a parent' thread, it made me reflect and I realised I love them both absolutely equally, but for different reasons. Or, that I love them both equally, but LIKE them for different reasons more so. Me, my bro (21 - Cambridge student, just finished his finals, I'm very proud) and Dad are going to see the new Fast and Furious flick on Sunday. Nothing like some mindless, stupid action movie to bond male family members!

Edit- Reading about other members who have had their Dad's die and stuff, makes me appreciate this forum all the much more. Great guys opening up without fear. There's absolutely nothing 'beta' about being emotionally open about this stuff (at least not in the eyes of other men - women are often bitches and sense this apparent 'weakness' and will sometimes friendzone men for this behavior, whilst simultaneously claiming they want me to be more open with their feelings), and anyone who says it is is just trying to be 'alpha'.