Post: #1

Talking to Mom about my Dad. He left her for another woman 10 years ago. She desperately tried to keep the family together, but he didn't care about the financial implications or precarious situation it would leave the family in. He persisted.

I remember that painfully. Basically sent my mother into near poverty for several years before she finally managed to get her own career started after being a home-maker for 15 years.

Today she dropped a bombshell as we were discussing my father, and told me he fathered a daughter with a woman 20 years ago in California. At that time as well as later, she decided to do what was best for the children and sacrificed her dignity in order to buy us time. It didn't help that her own parents refused to help her. She even offered to adopt the girl. She's an atheist but that has to be a Christian act if ever I saw one.

If he fathered the child, but had learned his lesson, you could forgive him - but my Mom basically sacrificed 20 years of her life to raise his children, even offering to raise his bastard spawn, and he still smashed the marriage in the end. She's doing ok now, but I can't for a moment fathom the grief and distress he must've put her through, knowing she's defintely a fragile person.

Part of me wants to ask "why?". But I have come to realize my father is devoid of compassion for others and is an epic sociopath. He's made a career out of hating on liberals and left-wingers for undermining Western civilization and principles but this is almost unforgiveable hypocrisy. Not to mention he rewarded devoted, total loyalty with a giant turd.

And then there's my Grandparents? What kind of sick person refuses to help their daughter when her husband is a total creep?

And finally there's my sister. What about her? Does it even matter? This is so fucked up.

Anyways... as you can imagine I'm not pleased with my father right now. Nor my Grandparents. I'm posting this now before I go to bed because I'm not sure how to react. Will sleep on it. I'm expecting some fucked up dreams. Hoping for some advice.

Post: #2

I have friends who's dad skipped out, much like mine did. Only thing you can do is raise your kids the right way and reinforce it in their minds that you will always be there for them

Post: #3

You never know the full story. Don't take sides if the story is one sided. I know this is a very personal subject but you have to look at it from both their point of views.

Post: #4

In situations like this, I am usually inclined to blame the woman anyway, because the responsibility and options to choose a good man were both on her, and she chose an "epic sociopath".

Ok, I realize that's not helping. What chyamor says is probably the most true. My best advice is not to feel degraded or somehow punished because your dad abandoned the family. It's a horrible event, but it is not something that you need to "correct", or "fix". It's a bad thing that you survived. The best thing you can do is not let this "aftershock" get to you and make you do something stupid. You need to live your own life, as you did before.

In any case, wish you all the best.

Post: #5

well, the two real issues is that I still talk to my father and Grandparents. I really don't feel up to being nice or pretending to be family given this new information of betrayal. When it came time to pull through they instead deserted. I guess that's a choice some people make, but do I condone that by pretending nothing happened?

as for my mom's version, she was pretty open about her own faults and whatnot. But the point of marriage is to put aside your own happiness to serve your spouse. She did that. He rewarded her with desertion. I think that's pretty low.

A talk-the-talk but no walk-the-walk kinda deal...

Post: #6

Just because they're your blood relatives doesn't mean you have to associate with them. If you feel that they've betrayed you or crossed your boundaries past the point of forgiveness, cut them out of your life.

Post: #7

Its from the past. Its poison that wont kill OTHERs if you drink it. Best to not drink the poison of anger.. Let it go.

Punch it out on Punching Bag. Workout. Deep breathing/ Meditation.